I am Marco Boerner. . .

I am so impressed by my little discovery that I have to write about it. First of all a short review of the last few days. Christmas dinner at my friend Lucas place with his parents was great, afterwards we saw the movie Gran Torino, this was even better! After Crash probably the second best movie that handles racism in a very interesting way. A movie that makes you laugh, that makes you shake you head, think and maybe cry. The main character is a person I could identify myself from time to time. I am not that racist, but indeed I might be grumpy from time to time. Especially in the last time as I felt I had to separate from a few in order to find my self, in order to get closer to myself. I was afraid of an screwed up mainstream end, but it wasn’t. I recommend what I saw.

Well and today, I had to get up at five, wrote for a while before I went to work. Boxing day… everyone went crazy. It was such a long day, I was so tired, so vulnerable, I felt so unpleasant, sometimes, a few moments I could feel good. The day started very very cold, that’s for sure. But friends gave me hugs to cheer me up and make me feel a little warm. : ) Still I was so lost today, almost no sleep and no strong thought to hold on to. I was at the mercy of the day. But overall it was funny. I am glad as it was done. I felt a little sucked… (not soaked, I just found out. So whenever I said or wrote soaked in the last time, it might be that I meant sucked. And the same with the word handsome, whenever I said handsome it can be that I meant handtame… Hahaha… lol… : )

I had to get a clear head, it was past due anyway, so I went out. Just for maybe half an hour. And it was a right thing to do. After this day. I have to focus on myself. I almost forgot that it is me who decides and I am the one who tells me who I am. I almost lost me less depending way. I was waiting for other people to change my life, I was waiting that other people bring me what I need. It was close, so close again, living at the edge. But then.. going out and I got it back. So I came back to my place. And here it happened. The little incident, the little try.

I ordered to many traveler checks last week, and so I am a little broke right now. But I don’t want to cash any of my checks unless it is really necessary. That meant I had to start cooking all the stuff I had since a while. I was eating a lot of rice int he last few days. What is not bad, yesterday I cooked quiet a lot, enough for fried rice in the morning. But this wasn’t that good. As I came back from my little trip I started frying the other rest that was left. What came out is a simple, cheap and very quick recipe how to make fried rice awesome. It started with oil in a pan almost under full heat, and also quiet a bit of oil so that the whole pan is covered. Now I filled the pan with the remaining rice. about one inch, maybe one and a half inch high. I waited a while before I scrambled the rice. In the morning I tried my rice with soya sauce because it was so try but the taste wasn’t that good. This time, still no other option what I could use as a sauce I just pured the sauce direct over the rice until everything seemed covered. I had no idea if this would work but at least it produced an interesting sound, so far no smell. I waited a while before I turned the rice over like burger meat, the ground of the pan seemed quiet dry so I added more oil. I did this maybe one, or two more time, I made sure the rice is sticking together quiet well, I used a …what was the name… spatula to press the rice together. After a while I took a fork and just tried a little of the rice, I was almost shocked how good it was. I couldn’t believe it turned out this way, I was thinking, how was this possible? I was lucky this time. Excited about my discovery I got a plate and put all the rice on it. It had a very interesting color, now the amazing smell reached my nose. Eating it was a pleasure, the consistence was also very interesting. Somehow sticky but in a very enjoyable way! It was so good that next time when I make rice I will direct prepare it that way. Sometimes coincidence, the circumstances and experimenting, maybe a bit luck and faith leads to the best things in life. Well, let’s see if this can proof itself in another way.

My head is so full, so many going on. One day you have to read it all. I have to laugh about all this now. Life is an amazing thing, my life right now acts very .. mmmh…. very wow. My few friends, when we sit together just ask me and try to get a little bit of this out of me, you have to feel this when I tell you all the things. Life…

But for now. I promised myself not to sleep before ten, so I have another hour. Can’t waste my day, and night with sleeping. I was in a very bad rhythm but now it is fine. I do want to keep this up, yes I do!

I would love to tell, but there will always be a secret in the next time. It’s all so wild. : )

I wish all of you a good night!! See you soon! Hope you had a good Christmas!

All the best, your

Marco

I was waiting for it, I was waiting for her the whole year. I had so many regrets that I ever gave her away. But since a few weeks now I got my new baby. I wasn’t sure how to call her, then I thought it should be someone I remembered believing in me. I baptized my love Lucy. In memory of a good friend, in memory of a special time. She deserves this name, and she deserves her named after her. Here are a couple shots, doesn’t she make it look good?? I really love her!

Checked out my site from time to time, I might upload a few more from time to time, when I feel like it. Let me know if you like it.

Have a good night you all.

Your Marco

PS: By the way, I had an omelet again, this time with loads of milk. It was awesome (”Awesome!”) First I thought I screwed it up but then it was so good that I even took a second plate and finished it all. And I was not even that hungry! I thought it tastes like from the restaurant. I think this means something! Having not a lot of hunger and going back for seconds! I am great! : P

Here’s the other shoot:

BTW, I love the movie!

As a butterfly I’m coming back. Just for a short time, for a little moment. Just to say hello, I’ll stay long enough to give a little glimpse of myself. And I’m here to cook you something!!! After that I’ll fly away again.

Let’s direct start and not waste any time.

Every man’s dream (cream for the once with the tiny ears) is two at the same time! I know, first of all I have to handle one, and it’s already hard to do so but never mind, today I thought: ‘Let’s just do it!’ ‘Let’s do it once, let’s do it twice!’

One of the two was colorful, sweet and tasty. It was a slippery mess with my fingers and it was a pleasure to discover the exotic nature of this kind . The other one was a hot Italian, a very … very piquant story.

But let’s start with number one. It was a faithful relation leading me to this idea. Making a salad, a fruit salad in particular. Not sure what to get I stopped at the now called “Metro’ supermarket. I remembered all this instant fruit salads you can buy for a fortune there but it all seemed too boring for me. I’m not that kind of ‘banana, strawberry, melon’ kind of guy. I need something a bit more special. And there it was, laying in front of me like an undressed girl. Actually not really undressed, this mess came afterwards. Mango’s from Brazil, long time no see. One for a dollar, the beginning was made. Besides this I choose two of this wired looking natural bananas, I thought it might look interesting and would give a slightly different taste. Later on, one went direct into the garbage and the other on top of a cabinet where I hope it will gain some taste. This bananas were too raw. Anyways, the exotic fruit section had more I could use, kiwi, three of them, was virtually ingredient number two. Not that exotic and probably quiet common in the boring salad trays but enough for me. Now my eyes were wandering over the sometimes quiet expensive fruits. Especially one of them looked appealing to me and for $0.70/unit I was able to afford it. I don’t even remember the name, the cashier did not now either. It took five minutes the get an idea of what it is. “It’s an onion!” said a women, “Check under peaches” said an employee, “It’s something else” comes from another cash, “The name ends with ‘-cooking’” was what I had to say. Finally they agreed for something and charged me for a fruit which name I never heard or read before. But it was at least the same price. Let me describe it.

Imagine a tomato but a little smaller. Skin and the leaves on top are harder. The color is less red, more orange with red and it has a kind of caramel look. If caramel would be a product made out of a fruit, this would be my first bet for the melted sugar job! No idea how to cut it I just cut in in half and then one side into quarters. I remember cutting my first pomegranate in Africa, without knowledge how to do it right it will take you hours to separate the sweet from the bitter. So if anyone plans to get a few pomegranates. Don’t hesitate to ask me how to cut it. I’m a proofed expert now in opening the almost holly fruit. But back to the new fruit. It seemed just the middle is eatable. I took one of the quarters and cut more and more pieces out and tried to eat them. I was actually surprised, you can almost eat all of it, just a little from the middle is left. The skin now felt similar to a mango skin. Actually the whole fruit is from the inside very similar to a mango, just not as fibrillar. The taste you could say is mango like but it’s not. It’s new, you can taste the red in the flesh. I knew this will be the secret ingredient in my salad. It was ingredient number three. Now I had everything for my salad, it was a hell of a mess to put everything together, unfortunate w/o the bananas. But finally I still made it. And as the salad was done I added a handful cut almonds. I thought this was missing, and I was right! Putting this in – it was a deserved “Awesome!” It will be even better tomorrow when the mango will be softer. I’ll take some to work!

Doing the salad, the little experiment with the fruit I didn’t know and don’t even remember the name was so cool. I felt like a little kid sitting on the floor and playing with his Lego! Just experimenting and not caring about the results. Just doing it was already so cool, and if it doesn’t work out this time, just do something else next. We ‘adults’ are just too adult. Take it easy, fly light is what I say! I really wish I could do this more often. Living a life like this, in balance with the little kid in us, the kid we pushed away and forgot as we started pretending to be mature, as we just wanted to be older, to be grown up. To be in balance with my little boy – verily deserved again for today: “Awesome!”

Now comes the second preparation, the entree. Let’s just assume I got already everything for it. Just follow the ingredients into the bowl and straight into the pan. (Don’t do it literally, it might hurt) My plan was an omelet. Since I practiced everything else I learned before to a lower grade of ‘almost-perfection’. That means from pork and beef to fish and turkey… everything you could fry in a pan. It was now time to do something else. Let’s go to the eggs. I never made an omelet, okay, here we go. By the way, last week I had the first time sausages made in the pan, Italian once, not too bad! Anyways. Five eggs in a bowl and especially in the beginning very clumsy mixed, but later almost professional looking. Next, salt and pepper and a few Italian spices. I just had Italian spices, that’s what decided for me the omelet will be ‘Italiano’!! A quarter red pepper paprika cut into little slices, a little garlic toe, I almost forgot that I still had them, and last but not least … nothing. That was as far as my knowledge about omelet went. A few moments later I got to know what was missing. My plan was to melt some cheese in another pan. I asked some Australian girl if she thinks this will work or if the cheese might burn. She said it might be okay and somehow she also mentioned something about milk but the sentence got lost. I did not asked about it, I did not want her to think I don’t know what I’m cooking. Milk??? Does a omelet need milk? I didn’t know, I still don’t know. I just pretended I know what I was doing, I as doing something that doesn’t require milk. BTW I added a sixth egg to the egg mix.

Now I heated up a pan and used a little oil. I poured all the stuff in there and waited. It was a lot I thought. Whatever it is, it might not be an omelet at the end. I felt like the guy who first accidentally fried a fish “Whatever it is, it might not be Sushi!?” Meanwhile in the other pan, a little bar of cheese started melting and wobbling. I just let it do. I went into the omelet thing and saw that the ground was already hard, I scrambled it a bit. I guess scrambled eggs might be the closest food to what I had in the pan, how boring I thought. But I wasn’t done. I waited until the egg was quiet hard. The cheese took a while but made it almost in time at the end. I put all the liquid cheese on one side of the omelet thing and now folded the other side over it. #3 of the day: “Awesome!” It worked. I gave the now calzone like omelet thing a coat of the oil that appeared in the cheese pan. I turned it once and treated the other side the same way. Another two minutes per side and done was the thing I call just for now ‘interesting … … thing’ But let’s give both babies a name.

Number one the salad I named: ‘Ouagadougou-some’

The ‘-some’ because you actually won’t be able to get kiwi nor the secret fruit in Ouaga. The only thing would be mango and the bananas I couldn’t use. So I guess ‘Ouagadougou-some’ is just fine. Let’s say perfect when I consider every aspect of the name.

The other thing I might just call, well:

‘Cheesy Italiano Calzone-like Scrambled-egg-omelet w/o Milk’

Today I love to repeat myself: “Awesome!” this was number four I think. And there was one more after I was done with eating my experiment. I never got to eat my Lego.. better for it, I guess better for me.. would be difficult to chew, hard to swallow and just a pain to sh… Whatever. Let’s just say it once more: “Awesome!”

And it might be enough for today. This public self-exposure might give you a little idea about my inner world, or maybe not. It’s hard to say, even for me. Still high of playing like a kid and having this amazing food.

Have a good night you all!

It was a long time since I last wrote. A whole other part of my life seems to be in between of now and my last post. Just that you know, I am doing okay, I would almost say pretty well from time to time. I hope you all do as well.

Have a good night again!

Your Marco – now flying away in his dream : )

(Mon Nov. 17 12:29AM)

PS:

(Thursday Nov. 27 12:21AM)

I never thought I will really publish this. But I guess it was a good way to get back on the horse. It was not my best written WTC, my writing is a bit rusty I think, but my brain is doing well. I’m actually a little excited to find a little time to share a little of myself again. I’m a little excited to let you know a little bit of myself and the last time. I wish you again a good night and see soon.

…I can melt!

The last few hours before I leave. I got my keys, saw my new room again. It’s even smaller then I remembered it. Hope everything will fit inside. I hope the internet will work already. If not, what can I do? I can’t imagine this. But actually it wouldn’t be too bad. A few days off the line. Meeting myself and other things in life to do…

I’m happy that she wrote yesterday. I’m glad to her from you! It seemed such a long time. There were so many different shades since we met the first time. So many different lights causing this shade. How many nuances of life?

I’m going to cook the last time here for now. It’s just simple pasta with pre made sauce. I just finished bringing the water to boil. It took ages, about twenty minutes. There’s almost no cooking equipment left and I had to use this too little pot. Don’t know if it is because of that or something is wrong with the stove. Anyway, now the pasta is in. Will take probably another half an hour before I can eat. After this I help my roommate to unbuild his room, made out of panels. After that, I’m going to move. Still hope I can get a bed before the night.

My computer will be the last thing I take out of here. So there might be time for a short ‘good bye and see you soon’.

Bye now,

Marco

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My last post!

Now It’s time to say good bye. I know it seems so stupid. I move just into another place but somehow changes means something to mean. Somehow you always have to leave behind. I say not just good bye to you, it’s probably a good bye for this time. A place where I grow, where I had to survive, where I lived just with the light in my imagination, just the light that came from far away to me. It’s a good bye to a special time. I will welcome what it new. It thought my computer will be the last thing I put away, but I guess it’s my little radio. I love the music, I need it. It’s part of me. Good bye Corktown, maybe one day you will be a great place to stay. I see the dreams here but also most of the people still sleeping. Wake up and grow. Remember me. I say good bye.

Your Marco.

*

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DAY ONE

- MEETING THE PAIN AND CRAZINESS -

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*

SATURDAY MORNING – 09:03AM

It’s Saturday morning. I couldn’t sleep long. It was about 8:45am as I woke up. I’m already weak and powerless. But the night felt good. It was a very balanced sleep and no laying around as I woke up. Last time I was eating was yesterday around 2pm. I expect to clean myself a little today and tomorrow.

About her, I follow what she’s saying and writing. I can’t really understand. I seems in the same post she uses unclear words like ‘him’ for me and someone else. Just separated trough a few sentences. I wish my Chinese translation skills would be better, so I would know if I read this right. Anyway. It’s probably worthless anyway. But what I feel is that she’s angry at me, that she fights me and all my words and thoughts. She doesn’t want to listen is afraid my words make her change. My words don’t change anything, it’s just me! I haven’t give a reason to fight me, there is no reason to show where love is. I think I understand this. If you feel like to cling on something, to push something – I don’t care. I mean yes I do care and still - it hurts and takes a lot not to feel – but that’s the way.

Just think about. What’s wrong? What are you mad at, why do you keep fighting? Why do you have to push some things that are going on? I see how everything changed, you writing, your reaction since – unfortunately that night. You said you wanted to help as good as you can. Be there for me as a friend… Well, it seems you prefer to hurt, you want me to pay back for my self. Payback for things that aren’t supposed to feel like that. Well I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not my responsibility what you feel, . . . what you love, hate, miss or just lost. If you would just understand a bit more, if you would just be a bit easier, not so complicated and fixed to something that doesn’t do anything good for you. Thing could be so easy – special. Not we have to go through all this again.

I feel actually quiet good just my body is shaking a little because of all this thoughts. I even started building my new website. It’s a nice design. I had the draft already drawn before I had the one right now. I almost didn’t want to do it but still I feel it’s time. I might work on this toady to keep myself focused on something else. I might go for a walk if all power is gone. I’m looking forward to see you, even just for a bit. Just to loose a bit this monotone feeling I get here from the internet. Screen addicted I guess. If you prefer to meet earlier, would be fine with me. Just give me a call but not to late.

I’ll write more later on toady.

Bye now.

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SATURDAY NOON - 12:12PM

In love - for a friend.

Hello Lucy!!

It’s a long long time ago since I wrote you, since our ways went apart. Right now I think it’s a good time to write you. Maybe coincidence or just curiosity what I’m doing brings you back here from time to time. It’s a good time now because things happened as you can see. It’s a good time now because I do my first fasting as I said I would. Even if it isn’t as long as it should. For this is just no time but it’s enough to get an idea. I miss your letters and could need them now. I remember that last one, the one that was supposed to be the first one – the one for today. I remember most of the words, I remember the story you told me about the dark alley. I loved this story, it was so much more. I would like to read it now but somehow I lost a few of you letters and this was one of them. But letters doesn’t matter as long as I still think about you from time to time. I will remember you as the angel who changed my life and was part of me for so long. I remember as the Virgen de la Luz was watching over our heads. The time we had in between was good and necessary. We both knew this, we both knew what was going one. In this case, even if we might have lied. We understood.

I’m looking forward to see you one day when my journey is finished. At least my travels, I guess my journey is never ending. And that is good! I know all this here will shake me a bit more and when I’m close to home I might need some time. I’s just amazing how much happened since I left and I just can imagine the amount that will come. There is almost no time to see through all this. Raw moments of enlightenment show me how far I already went and deep inside I’m already feeling that I’m grown to more then just the person who left a few years ago. It seems I’m more and more my own words, my dreams and my own story. It’s not just simple words anymore. I feel it’s me, I’m so close to myself. I accomplished to finally find what was always there. I wasn’t lying as I said who I am and who I want to be. I never was because now I think I can see. I can see myself in the mirror and start to recognize, almost start to love. I feel a strong heart, a strong brain and mouth and eyes who can show that this is really me. I just imagine how I could feel with my hands and body.

I still dream from the mountains near you. I still need to go. At the end of my journey it will be the right time. It will be lonely but I won’t feel lonely because I will have me and all my thoughts and memories I need to write down. One day I will come down. I guess it takes me a winter and the spring will welcome me as being free. It will be the end of my travel and since the mountains won’t be far you might be the first who can read it. I owe you this. That’s what I know. I hope you will be there.

I wish you something. Be happy and lucky because thats the Lu I met!

My Lucy Lu!

Your Marco

…your Mr. Marco B : ) I probably can’t wait until you’ll find it by chance…

[Lucy I just found this letter - you wrote it so much earlier then I thought!! I'm going to read it right now!!]

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SATURDAY EARLY AFTERNOON – 2:04PM

Back from the shower, cleaned from the dirt and smell of last night. It’s time to get out of here. I need something else to see. Sun would be a beginning. I just hope it isn’t too exhausting. I feel powerless from time to time and need to lay down, to rest for a few minutes before I can go on. I have a little headache but I think it’s because of this room here. I liked it so much in the beginning, now I feel stuck in this windowless surrounding. I need light and air! Well let’s see how the city treats me. Let’s see how this day can be my friend.

See you later I guess.

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SATURDAY AFTERNOON – 4:55PM

In the city…

As I left the house I felt weak, not strong and unsure how to handle the day. But some moments where I could show, I can be strong changed everything. I heard music different then ever before. Normally short melodies were extended to long, I was listening what the music had to say and it went direct into me. I became stronger…

Now music is faster, louder. Cuban melodies play my imagination, my fantasy. My memories as I was unbound, stranger on a long undefined road of daylie adventures came back. I’m finally home. People dancing around me. Oh my god, I am dancing – what is happen?? What is going wrong – what is going right?? Sweet music take me away!

The meeting with her was short and friendly. I didn’t want any more. I guess it was supposed to be like that. But it doesn’t matter now. Now I’m here. The sun is hot and heating up my skin. I get burned right now. I love it! Music take me away!

Cuba I never been there but I know it is a place to go. Far away from the tourist beaches, that’s where I will find! That’s where this music really comes from. Many times walked ways but never seen places…

I wish we could share this. I wish you were here and would experience the same! I never had the chance to share feelings like this. This is new for me, less then two years old. I wish we were closer.

I wish we could share the same melody, play the same song.

We should dance! Did you ever dance?

‘De Alto Cedro voy para Marcan
Llego a Cueto, voy para Mayar

El cario que te tengo
No te lo puedo negar
Se me sale la babita
Yo no lo puedo evitar

Cuando Juanica y Chan Chan
En el mar cernan arena
Como sacuda el jibe
A Chan Chan le daba pena

Limpia el camino de paja
Que yo me quiero sentar
En aqul tronco que veo
Y as no puedo llegar

De alto Cedro voy para Marcan
Lleg a Cueto voy para Mayar’

The band is playing a mix between Cuban music and some classic rock.

‘Back magic woman’ with a salsa twist sounds funny to me…

I need to go. But before I will have a look at the souvenirs.

. . .

I just came back…

Well now. Now I got a real issue. I just got the news that the guy who is renting me the room just signed with other people. That means he’s moving out here at the end of this month. That’s what I have to do now as well. So, well, I will be sitting on the street. What kind of faith is this? I just think about, I hope I can get a reservation at the hostel I was staying in the beginning. But I hate this place, this will bring me so far down. I just started to be really productive and so. Now sharing the room with up to nine other guys for a too expensive price. Waste of money, waste of time. What should I do with all my stuff. [Well, but this won't be a problem since I just found out almost every hostel is is for most of the days booked out!!!] Damn! Is there someone else out there looking for a roommate??? Well living with her would be perfect now since the guy is giving most of his furniture away… It never fits. If the one thing is solved the other makes trouble. Damn. This city is pushing me out of here. Damn, what to do? [Now I'm really thinking what to should, can do! Can't believe now that she changed her mind in the last second after everything was so clear and looking good. Head shaking...]

. . .

Chan Chan…

It’s my world… I just feel it

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SATURDAY EVENING - 7:30PM

Hello Tony.

It’s probably unexpected that I write you this way and maybe strange too. But it’s a strange time anyway – not just since a few month. I guess we all could call this a strange time. I said I will write you or stop by and tell you how things are going. I choose this way because I just want her and others to see my concerns right now. It’s important to me. OK, so far… I didn’t get anything related to photography as I wanted in the beginning, not even a job in a camera store. I don’t even think I want to work in a camera store. Actually, no - I don’t want. But I didn’t give up. I gave Toronto a chance. I started washing dishes on a weekend, then packing muffins in a factory outside of the city, and then almost two more month as a dishwasher again. At least the money was good, but the work and hours terrible. Even if I almost needed it, 60 to 70 hours a week seems hard but can be a relief. I call it experience, experience I don’t want to repeat right now. Well but finally since I’m still educated in IT I got a job as technician at Staples. It’s OK, at least I can use my brain, the people are good and I had enough free time to work on my own. I found some very creative people I could share some of my interests. Since a few month then things really got better. I got a kind of life, a kind of life I wished. I started writing again, finished a new website and was working on all kind of stuff. I read books and stuff and finally I had the chance to start with photography again. I’m running around with an old Leika 35mm SLR with a lens that has issues with the aperture, so that I have to shoot everything with F16… But still, I enjoy it because this makes me really think about the results. From time to time I pass your place and I like the pictures you made. I wish I could express myself, me feelings, my hope, wishes and - my ego trough pictures more. Everything that my pictures would show is done and doesn’t need to be a part of me anymore. But I’m working on it. Right now I’m into writing. I guess it’s the best way to express myself right now but it’s sometimes difficult.

I remember as I came to Canada, with big expectations and finally I had to lower down a bit. Keep it real I guess. As we met I was a kind of impressed by your appearance. To be honest I was disappointed not to learn from you. I’m not just talking about photography. There are many photographers out there. I saw something different. I guess it’s my search for some kind of father person. Even if I don’t like to admit it. I wish from time to time that other people, people I can valuate highly could have a stronger influence on me. But I guess we’re all on our own when it comes to the important questions in life. After we met I was talking to some friends in the hostel I was living and told them I found a great person.

Strange, I just feel like talking about all this right now. I have a hard time because everything seems to fall apart. I decided not to eat over the weekend just to get my brain clear. I guess that’s part of it.

I was just thinking how would things be. Would it be different, would I be a better person, or let’s say would things be better if I had the chance to learn from you or strong people like you? I don’t know. Can’t tell for sure. Things never end up as we want it. They end up always different. There is never a big change in our life except if we fight for it, if we are willing to give up for it. Sometimes I still hope from time to time things will be different. It would be cool if you have time to drop a few lines, write me a message, you have my address or leave a not here if you want to.

Ich rufe von Zeit zu Zeit hinaus in die Stille und hoffe auf Antworten, Loesungen, vielleicht auch nur auf die richtigen Fragen. Es passiert selten das etwas kommt zurueck, wenn nicht nur das Echo.

Meine Gruesse,

Marco

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SATURDAY LATE EVENING / NIGHT – 9:19PM

She couldn’t give me an answer. She just left.

It was such a long day. Can’t believe that all this happened today. It’s a endless story and this was just day one. Tonight it will be the end of something. Last week I told a friend this week, everything will be rebound, from shoes, over feelings and foot to people and especially me. Rebound cats, rebound pasta, rebound hope, rebound love, rebound me. A few people even got me to know as Marco Rebound Boerner. Haha. But now he just told me today, or was it yesterday? It isn’t allowed for me to be REBOUND for more then a week. So this night - midnight - I will be just Marco Boerner. I’m happy with this. At least I am. ; ) …I AM

Now it’s time for me to get out, I need a walk, some fresh air before I might try to sleep. I’m sure I will wake up earlier then today and the day will be harder. It will be an endless forth and back. I’m looking forward to some pasta, tomato sauce, maybe a steak with rice for tomorrow night, as soon as the sun went down.

I don’t know about all this, I just know it doesn’t matter what I do I still like her. Can’t even think about my living situation right now, can’t even think about anything else even if it would be important. Can just think about her. All day, all night. Take my love and give me a friend – be more! Why can’t it work like this? I still keep it quiet. I know, hard to believe. You saw someone great, someone special and I wanted you to get to know who is behind, how deep it can go. You met me now. I think I know you as well. I wished I could look behind your dark eyes. I wished I could see, could be part of what’s there. I would like it. But right now. Looking in your eyes would be enough. Just for a second, another glimpse. Another part of you, another part of what is mine.

Have a good night 0%

---

SATURDAY NIGHT – 10:37PM

From the bridge where I was going…

‘THE RIVER I STEP IN IS NOT THE RIVER I STAND IN’

I walked over this bridge looking for silence but stayed over the highway in the middle of the lanes. The cars went so fast, hundred of souls. I was watching the movement, looking into the lights. As I left I saw the river, better a dirty channel, the quiet railroad, a dark street with just a few cars, artificial green illuminated gardens surrounded by high fences. Also the bridge was busy. Streetcars made the ground quaking, more fast cars, people and me.

I’m so hungry now. I don’t think I can sleep.

Just on the other side of the bridge there was nothing, a big empty field and some green. I could hear the locusts and felt the silence over there. I would enjoy silence.

Helicopter, lights on the sky, everything is moving. I’m not part of this city – it drives me crazy! I wish you were my retreat. I need you as the person to go and let go. To take it easy, light and soft.

Back in the building everything smells good. I can smell the food from every door.

It’s silly that I still hope one day she might want to talk a bit more, about something more. And I wished she would knock on my door one day – since I knocked on hers for too long. She does not even know where I life. If you ever want to talk.. don’t even know the number, big building on St Lawrence Street and King - #108 . . It’s silly to write this but it’s a kind of faith thing I have in mind so long. I just needed to write this.

Have a good night again and if you really feel as I do now. I’m sorry again!

Marco – someone who needs you!

*

---

DAY TWO

- THE FINAL DAY -

---

*

SUNDAY MORNING – 9:50AM

I woke up 7:45 but stayed in bed until 9:15. Today I didn’t want to get up because I was afraid that things are like at the end of yesterday. I felt it was terrible. Except the feelings for her… First of all today, my internet wasn’t working, this was a shook but I could fix it. Some very nice mails where waiting for me and made the beginning of this new day much better.

I’m a bit worried this morning about my living situation. I need to make a plan. I hope I can find something not to far from work. Winter is coming and if I’m planing to stay I don’t want to walk for ages trough the snow. But it’s not easy to find something. Especially if you had already what you needed. I’m just not good at this. I can find you everything in the internet, from electronic, downloads, a good dentist, the cheapest flight etc. I’m actually pretty good in research – that’s what I did from time to time for my old employer in Germany, before the army… but I never had luck in finding longterm accommodations. I’ll look for hours and nothing shows up. I have a kind of bad luck with this. Unfortunately.

Let’s see how this day is going. I’m hungry and look forward for tonight.

See you soon!

Marco - not longer rebound.

---

SUNDAY NOON – 12:35PM

I go crazy with her! It seems we just follow some kind of pattern. Nothing is real anymore. We handle as we told to do, we handle as we saw it somewhere but nothing is true. And the bad thing is – we do remember the patterns but we don’t know how to go from the one to the next. Somehow this information is missing in our brain. We can’t even tell if anything will be the right thing. There is no proof because all this is made out of someones fantasy!

Now I’m threaten her. The best moment for me is the worst for her. It’s like to little points coming together in the universe, they came closer and closer, crossed each others way but we were to fast, wrong timing, the angel was wrong. So we couldn’t hold each other and make our ways to one strong line. We both went apart as fast as we were coming together. No turnaround now. Distance will grow and grow. Our ways, thoughts – everything more and more different. We missed the point and drift away, shoot away into the infinity.

What a bad end.

…I just wanted to know the truth but from everywhere things show up and tell a different story.

---

SUNDAY EARLY AFTERNOON - 1:11PM

You know, long long time ago there was a girl and she took me one thing. She took me the believe in messages. I can’t believe in the untold hidden things anymore. Since then there was just one way, I became the messenger. To still keep believing in this I had to write. Everything I wrote has it’s message because that way I know it isn’t just imagination. I see the messages because I write them. But since I lost this believe I won’t see what other trying to say in between the lines. I’m fighting for the clear truth against every feeling that shows different things, because the things between made me crazy ones, even if I still try to find. I’m not open for anything else and I’m not sure if this will ever heal. I’m going to write my messages but it will take a lot to ‘talk’ to me. It seems I lost one of the most exciting, most hidden parts of interhuman communication. At the cost of very valuable persons, friends, . ..

---

SUNDAY EARLY EVENING - 6:55PM

She was looking good today! Fresh and pretty like newborn.

I just came from the city. Had an exhausting walk to downtown behind me. I felt really powerless this time. I was a kind of nervous. I was thinking I hope my condition doesn’t screw anything but I also thought if I can make it like that I can achieve much more. So and I think things went out good. It seems, call it faith or not.. Can’t talk about believing right now. But I just payed first and last for the my new room in Chinatown, close to the Kensington area where I wanted to be. Close to things I like.

I’m close to happy now!

Can’t believe all that what happened so far. It’s been around 53 hours without food, it’s been around one week since the one night, it’s been around a month since it came stronger, it was more then two month ago since I realized you and since got you to know, it’s around four month ago since I saw you first, for seven month I came to Canada, eight month ago I left the boat, over a year ago I left Africa, before that I left Europe and it was in August 2006 as I left Germany to experience something completely new and different.

…A few hours left before I can eat. I’m looking forward to this special “What to cook” because I already know. I smelled every little source of food on my way back home, I’m so excited how it will taste! It should be great! I don’t even cook something special, just something easy and good!

So things went out OK - finally. Thanks to some good friends, thanks for all the mails. Thanks that others could believe as I was struggling!

They are going to break a window in my new room! It was windowless but I will get some light and green in front of my new place!

As I went back everything felt good, light and easy. A baby was looking at me and smiling. I could understand in this moment and would take the life as easy as this little human can do. If you feel good, just don’t think – feel good. I followed the baby’s eyes and was looking at the sky. A beautiful blue sky with little white clouds. It’s so long and it felt so good.

I just enjoy this feeling for now.

And you.

. . .

Thank you!

---

SATURDAY NIGHT – 9:12PM

It is done now!

It was exactly 9PM as I finished with my dinner. Wow, I feel different now. It was good. I feel like sleeping and going to bed. I eat so much, almost too much. I just found out I guess I was a bit blind as I started cooking. My roommate offered me some food because he cooked for all but I was so eager to get enough food that I said no. I made pasta and tomato sauce, over this I put three slices of cheese and I can’t believe it myself, over this three eggs over easy. I mean I have to say everything went out great but I felt already guilty while I was eating it. (I almost think it was against faith. I’m afraid to ask if it could show me that is was OK and exactly the right thing to do…) But still I was so hungry. I just forget about the dinner and feel good now. I feel good. Let’s see how my body will take it. What he had to offer, by the way. It sounds now perfect to me. He had about seven of this little gourmet potatoes left, one slice of fish and a whole pot with mixed salad. Good salad, looking very fresh and crunchy. It might have been the better meal. But that’s done. I guess I’m going for a walk, maybe take a streetcar downtown and come direct back. In the next time. I will eat healthy. This experience showed me this. It’s the better way of life. So far, amazing weekend. It was endless long and it’s still not over.

---

SUNDAY BEFORE MIDNIGHT – 11:50PM

I walked again the long way along the streets of the town. Just to meet your number. I had again in mind where my window will be. I didn’t want to knock on your door this time, didn’t want to call. I was just the messenger and it wasn’t just a dream. I was really there. Not noticed by you like the other day before we met in the park, but this time I came alone.

On my way back I went the way pass the park. First I wanted to walk trough it again but then I decided just to pass, just to have a look. But as I saw this place it seemed to be magic. I saw the bench where we were talking under the warm yellow light. I just had to go in. Now I sit here at the same place, get bitten by mosquitoes again. I did not even notice that last time until the next day. It’s a mystic place, so powerful and romantic. I don’t think about the past. I just imagine you were here. But the place is empty, just the green bench reflects the yellow light and makes a glowing spot where you were sitting that night. I don’t even remember that light was there before, not as bright as today.

Yes you gave me something that day. You don’t need to feel bad about it, not angry nor sad. You really gave me a souvenir. You don’t need to be angry because I asked you. I need to be thankful because you gave. That makes you a good person, instead of me. There is no reason to be awake. You have the right to sleep because even if you doubt it you heart is on the right spot. Thank you my girl!

---

SUNDAY - MIDNIGHT

Sit me on a park bench by midnight and moonshine and I will be a romantic!

I like the noise that silence makes

Pasta, cheese and the eggs. Actually it was the right decision! Man that was just good! As a man I need this food.

I like this energy now. Making step by step and no need to worry about.

My conclusion for the weekend – WOW!

Tomorrow I will get me one of these super tasty $8 chicken sandwiches from the coffee shops. Yummy!!

The radio plays:

“I’m still alive

Hey I, I, I, I’m still alive, yeah”

Keeping balance while dancing over the stones in front of my place. No problem!

“I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, but, I’m still alive”

Now the day is over, the day is done. Thanks again to who was with me that days!

Your Marco – reborn and flying around. It almost feels as I would get my wings back!

*

“Alive”

Son, she said, have I got a little story for you

What you thought was your daddy was nothin’ but a…

While you were sittin’ home alone at age thirteen

Your real daddy was dyin’, sorry you didn’t see him, but I’m glad we talked…

Oh I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey, I, I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey…oh…

Oh, she walks slowly, across a young man’s room

She said I’m ready…for you

I can’t remember anything to this very day

‘Cept the look, the look…

Oh, you know where, now I can’t see, I just stare…

I, I’m still alive

Hey I, but, I’m still alive

Hey I, boy, I’m still alive

Hey I, I, I, I’m still alive, yeah

Ooh yeah…yeah yeah yeah…oh…oh…

Is something wrong, she said

Well of course there is

You’re still alive, she said

Oh, and do I deserve to be

Is that the question

And if so…if so…who answers…who answers…

I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, but, I’m still alive

Yeah I, ooh, I’m still alive

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

*

*

---

- THIS IS THE END . . . MY ONLY FRIEND … -

THE END

---

*

The day before yesterday. This where my worries, I hoped, I wished I wasn’t right.:

‘It will end that you go and I stay, I will stay longer until I know you’re not coming back’

I should feel bad now, should be in pain as I said I would. I should feel lonely and down and in the beginning as I started my long way home – thats what I felt. I had to rest, wanted to wait a little bit – didn’t want to let go. I went to my favorite place. A hidden labyrinth between buildings, far away from the noise of people and street. I always thought one day I will walk this labyrinth. I always thought one day the time will be right. Today I was ready. It took me many steps to get there and every single step brought new thoughts and made me think. I passed my worries, I passed my fear, I passed my lies, my hopes, my wishes, my dreams and finally, it took me much longer as I thought, I arrived in the middle. Now everything was clear. Everything that shouldn’t be in my head was gone, everything I wanted to have in my mind was close. I wished a bit closer. I could see the stars and the clear sky, it was a special night like no other night before. The moon was shining on the trees around me and from this moment. Everything seemed to be fine. I can’t explain it – probably it was destiny. I was laying down and thinking for a while before I left the labyrinth. I didn’t walk the same way back to get out, I just walked over it. So I’m still in this labyrinth and I’m going to stay. Maybe one day if I feel the need for it then I will leave this construct of circles but right now. . . As I walked home the night was different then before. I was thinking about her, I was in a good mood. I hope she’s feeling the same, I hope she’s good too. My heart is warm and I can feel her close. I don’t want to hurt her and don’t want her to hate herself for anything. I hope I can show her, that there wont be any reason – I wont give you a chance to hate you. I want that you trust me and I want that you believe in what I’m saying, I want you to believe in what I believe. Words can lie quiet easy, but feelings can not. And my feelings say that this is right! I miss you and I feel good whenever I think about you. I feel my heart, I missed this feeling.

I wish you a good night and just like the new day!

Marco

---

I have physical pain…

It broke this morning, it hurts - it’s pain I can’t explain. I can’t stop writing, I can’t stop thinking about it. It would be so easy, It would be the right thing. But we choose to remain in pain. It’s a pressure I feel in my chest and it’s glowing and I hold it with both hands to keep me from dying. I thought it will be something that I get into that will burn me but it’s my own heart that seems to burn my self from the inside. I wish it would be a pain I could just treat in a hospital - with some pills and medicine. I don’t know what you feel and I can’t guess anymore. I wished you would feel the same, I wished you would understand that I make you lucky already. I don’t want to loose you - I don’t want you to loose me. Don’t watch it break. Please - just believe in me.

---

Normally it helps me a lot to talk to people but now. I almost don’t know how to do it. It seems it’s just up to me. No one can help me, except with being my friend and listen. But there is one person I want to talk to and I feel I could talk to her but it seems wrong. It seems to far away right now. I don’t want to loose any feeling but right now this feelings, this situation we’re in doesn’t allow us to have a good conversation. I don’t know where to go, I don’t want to fall into something that makes everything meaningless and not longer intense. I’m afraid that feelings get lost. I don’t want to be where no feeling is. I don’t want to be someone without this feeling anymore. I wish I could enjoy it.

Yesterday night and also this day I was thinking about something. Getting a souvenir, something I can remember even if it would mean that it would be much more painful. No I don’t want a souvenir! I want something else. A souvenir is a thing that means an end, a little thing you’re looking at to remember where you have been. But that’s not what I want. I want something that means more. I want something that shows what we are able to feel. I would like to give you something and I would like to get something from you.

I was thinking about the beings from the other planet who were watching us from far away. I know, now they had a chance to see us, even if they couldn’t hear. But that’s good because I guess they know much more then we do. They saw what they needed to see, probably they saw what was right – where we are, what we are, what we feel and think. But they didn’t understand the end, they didn’t know why we both went… I wished sometimes this would be the only truth. But we’re able to create – so that’s what we do. I wished at the end I wouldn’t have talked so much, I wished I would have followed your eyes.

I know I shouldn’t write, I know I should stop but… I wrote this morning on my way to work. If you wish me to stop – then you should not read, you should not talk, you should never see me again. I give you the dagger. Now it’s up to you how you decide. Maybe you just need to hurt me, need me to hurt. Hurt me - this seems to be the only way and use the dagger deep! See me crying while you’re doing it, see how the last life is leaving my body while my blood vanishing hand is trying to reach you for the last time. See a last tear in my eyes. See how my last living - loving part burns out and see how my eyes get cold and far. If you have to do it, do it soon and quick. I love you and I want no one else. I want you to be the one who’s breaking my heart if she can’t feel anything for me. Do what you have to do.

[this morning on my way to work]

*

I’w walking on a long way

It seems I walk since hours

It seems I walk since days

A long way of never changing pain

Hundred of different songs where playing

But all sound the same

I’m still not there

I’m still not gone

She’s here with me

But she isn’t close

Not as close as I wish

I wish the same again and again

8

Please hear me

Please feel me

Please be with me

Please hear me

Please feel me

Please just be with me

Please hear me

Please – just – be with me

Please hear me

Please feel me

Be with me!

Please feel me

Hear me

Be just with me

8

I can’t lay down my pen

Can’t lay down my words

Can’t lay down the love I feel for you

8

Please I just wished

. . .

Please

8

I’m not longer me

Not longer part of my life

My emotions are out of this life

I’m part of my emotions

It’s not the same world I feel

Around me it’s just a part of myself

It’s the part that belongs to you

8

I see couples on my way

Different people feeling the same

And I see me and you

I want to share me feelings

I want to share my world

I want to share my love for you!

*

I’m in the middle of this labyrinth and I just found out. Doesn’t matter what comes I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to go back. I’m in this labyrinth and that’s what I take with me.

---

Here something else. Something to please a friend:

A short journey into WTC!!! What to cook!

I thought it will be easy. I thought it shouldn’t be a big deal. I had it since a while and wasn’t worried about it because I still have time to use all of it until next month. So I was lazy and not motivated. But now, hungry as I was and too lazy for pasta, to bored about pasta. My plan was fried eggs! Should be one of the simplest things of the world. But I still had to struggle. I think I’ve never seen anyone preparing eggs. Or it seemed so normal that I just never played attention. So I had to follow my inner feeling. A kind of caveman instinct – how to make eggs over easy! The suggest we should call it the sense of egg!
Well, I put the pan on the stove and put it on a bit more then middle heat. So far so good. But I wasn’t sure when to put the eggs in. My instinct told me I should wait until the pan is hot. Somehow I remember the change of color from clear to white when you finally put the eggs in. But I ignored what helped us since million of years to survive. I put the eggs on the still cold pan. (I have to laugh now while I’m reviewing what I’ve wrote…) Well. Now I’m going to tell you what actually happens when you do this. Because as unexperienced I am in cooking as unexperienced are you in doing it wrong! Now I will tell you the secret, I will show you a different world. The just created mystery of the cold egg – over easy! Maybe it wasn’t the right question to ask what was first, the egg or the chicken. Maybe we’re now much closer to the real question of life! Will a cold fried egg -  over easy be the same as a regular fried egg- over easy??? So… I put it in the pan and…. …. …. nothing happened! Yes, you read it right! Nothing happened! Just as the pan got hotter it started bubbling a bit and some thin parts got burned a bit while the middle was still not done. But that’s it. I think the only thing it does is making it hard to clean the pan and bad air because of the burned egg-white. That’s really it. Well, for all of you who were thinking about trying this once in a life time just to know what would happen. That’s solved, not worth trying it. Don’t overrate this experience! Even if it was great fun for me! Yeeeehaaaa! I don’t know if scrambled eggs will be more fun but I doubt it. No heat – no fun! So let’s get this poor chicken baby burned! (It’s at least not a turtle.. yummy!)
I used this kind of flat fork thing to bring the remaining clear egg-white in a position where it actually got a bit more heat and my eggs seemed to be finished. By the way, can please someone post me here how you call this kind of flat fork thing? I don’t even know the name in German. You use it to turn hamburgers, steaks or to take the eggs out of the pan… It’s important! It’s a secret you should share with me now! Tell me – I need to know! And while you’re writing maybe you can add some other instruments I should know. Like the thing you squeeze garlic with, or the one to peal a potato! … What I also found out, at least it’s a guess. I think you almost can’t burn eggs. Everything thats to much burned will just stay in the pan and wait for you until you’re going to clean it later. So, you will get a good egg anyway. Cool. Maybe I’m wrong with it, let’s see how it works next time. Oh and I added an extra egg as the pan was hot! Finally I couldn’t taste a different between this eggs either. So no matter how you do it – just do it. But of course you should wait until it’s hot since it’s less work and less burned stuff. With salt and pepper, a class of water. A good meal! Yummy again.

He’s a cook!
He’s a chicken??
He’s just lonely…
He’s a rebound…
…
OK you eggs out there. Bye for now, have a good night and read you soon!

Marco the cock – never peacock

The blood starts to taste sweet and what I want is a lot but I might not get it and maybe I shouldn’t take it. So what I want and what I get can be just one thing. I want to write. I really feel like writing but somehow I feel that there is still something missing. I got so much in the last years. I know I’m not far but somehow… there is one important thing missing. Something that makes the final cut into the bloody flesh of my soul. I wrote what I want and I want it all. I want it black on white and show to everyone. While I’m writing for people here in my blog it seems easy. I’m creative and more or less productive – or the opposite. When I’m writing in my journal something that I plan to write here the same day or a few days after it works. But as soon as I try to write something bigger, something that need more work and attention I loose the relation to it and can’t even finish the first page. Maybe it’s not something in myself missing, maybe there are things in my surrounding missing, maybe it’s a person I need to write for. Someone who can read it and I can talk about. Maybe that’s what I feel, that it might be close but still far away from reached.

But for now, I need to be patience and I wont give up. As usual. There are a few things in the last years I gave up and most of them because I finally didn’t need them or because things, we where hurting each other. Even if we didn’t know. Hurting could also mean that we don’t know where to go and lied because of that. We lied so many times that we destroyed more and more our base. But that’s a while ago. I’m still giving up things. Actually it became quiet an art for me. The art of fighting for what I want and giving up what I don’t need. I can’t call me master of that but I’m mastering my sword when I need it.

But for now I feel like writing some stuff I wrote in my journal. It was meant to be published after I wrote it but sometimes I don’t feel like that. I felt so different after writing this that it wasn’t true anymore. It wasn’t me anymore. Now I would like to write this down here because I feel to show how I might think from time to time. I want to show, to say. Yes I can be difficult. We all are – that’s for sure. We talk about one life but live the other. That’s how we are and actually, since I found love to people again, I like it that way. I like to see and understand people. I like to see the strength as well as the weak in us, under us.

It’s normally a good sign when I feel like that. It shows me something is going right in my life. Today I was thinking about this and it’s true. I think it’s great right now. I would almost say it’s close to be the zenith of the phase I’m in right now. I would be surprised if it would become better. Actually I prepare myself already for the downfall. It wont be as hard because I know how it is and I feel that I can still live from this good time here for a while even if it’s over. I know there are completely new things coming. Probably not sooo new but different. And actually even if I prepare my fall there is still this little thought. Maybe it might be different this time. Maybe there is no circle, maybe there is no spiral to follow. I never knew what the line meant I draw in the middle between circle and spiral. Now it seems to make sense. This is the way from the one, unaffected by the endless turning. But now, it’s time to share my confusion from the last weeks. You will see. I’m a hard fish but deep inside it should all be logic and rational! Just think about. It’s all a reaction and I know for sure. I can react good, I learned to react good.

I start with the next after I wrote first about THE JOKER and I wont correct stuff here because it would change the real meaning. Even if it sounds even for me somehow – illogic – it’s just the chaos of my mind.

“

[...]

I’m surprised myself how much this violin plays my emotions. I’m surprised myself how she’s playing my heart. I want to get more from here. I’m jealous to everyone else who gets the joy of listening while I’m mute and deaf.

I want to see her on stage, I want to be her maestro. I want to see her fine string swinging, I want to feel her body vibrating while she’s playing just for me at night. I want her sweet sound to be the one waking me up in the morning. I want her to be the first sound I’ve got to know like my own,

in my new life in my new world.

But for me. I just enjoy, let the feeling flow. For me this time, I allow you to play my heart. I’m your melody.

(She’s playing my soul, she’s playing the war I’ve to fight. She’s playing the love that keeps me alive. She’s playing hard and strong and keeps me going. She’s playing soft and slow to calm me down. She’s making me done, leading to trance, She’s making my tears, she’s waking my fears. She’s playing my growing hope.)

[a few pages later...]

I am the thief – I stole from you.

I could blame you for your ego that seems to feel the need to protect you from devotion. I could blame you for little things that affect me from time to time.

But I wont. Because I accepted it as how, who you are. It’s part of the person I slowly learned to know. It is what is you and it is why I decided to like you in the first place. And this are things I count for you even after it came stronger in my life. I can’t blame you just because it seems to hurt now. It wouldn’t be fair, wouldn’t make sense to abandon that for what I decided for you. Instead it’s today my mask I have to take off. It’s my mask today that busted into million different pieces. I was fast in collecting most of the pieces but I knew it was broke. I’m surprised myself. I have to take off the cover of lying, pretending. Even now! Just blind loud talking… just talking. I want you to know me. What I showed you was much more then I can possibly be. I’m here. By myself much less – just me. I want you to get to know just me. Why? I can’t stand lying anymore. I can’t stand dying any other day. Sometimes complete, sometimes death in pieces. I don’t know what’s up with me in the last time. I think I lost everything including me, probably you. I don’t know where I was in the last days. In the beginning it was easy. I felt free but then… It was a pain, a room of not knowing that kept me awake, that kept me from working, being part of normal life. Maybe you have gotten to strong in me. Maybe I’m surprised myself how intense my feelings can be. Sometimes I feel happy and start smiling, emotions from the other side come up and I just can imagine how it would be to be as lucky as in this short moments. But maybe this wont happen since you get to know me now. Since it seems that I can’t fight anymore. I was fighting too long!

I wished I would know, know anything. Maybe I’ve gone to far while you.. don’t even know if you know. I will go through it again and just ask you to let me at least do this.

Things will repeat, happen again. That’s what I know. But I accept this as my way. I accept this pain. Don’t take this away and leave me here in loneliness. This would burn me out and, make me dead even before I die. Dried out I don’t want to be.

[...]

Tomorrow will be a different day. A new day, a new part of my life. Everything will stay the same, nothing will change except my thoughts about me and you. Finally I will take it easy and let it go, there will be a time when I start thinking [...] after that I’m pretty sure it will be OK. [...] I will grow again but probably different then before, it will happen again to me … but I’ll be gone.

Have a good night, have a good day. I look forward last time seeing you as we are, we were.

I see stars but it seems to rain [It was really raining, but not one cloud!]

Everything will be fine.

I’m after all, especially now – ME - [...]

[next page]

Q: What is life?

A: People don’t slip when the floor is wet.

Instead they fall over the yellow warning!

[And here is a last short thought that finally lead to my last blog and the picture for it. Or here I just felt that something started...]

I’m just afraid of the day when I don’t care anymore about my feelings. It seems this day is not far away. Should I be afraid???

[...]”

Well and there is more coming but I feel right now there is no time, it’s not the time to write about this. It’s interesting for me to read all this because somehow it shows how I dealt with a situation that became too strong for me, seemed too strong. Right now things are changed. I’m over myself. I went down to some strange roads. I needed to find a creative way to heal my soul. I think I was quiet successful. Even if things are confused they are going to be more real now. It’s a complicated way. But I’m here now as the one I am! I enjoy things as they are right now.

And by the way - I wont regret about things I said, wrote and even thought or I’ve done! I might have people right now that don’t like me, they now why. They just have to accept. I just watched the Dixie Chicks documentation and have to repeat: “I wont keep my mouth shout!”

But anyway. It’s time to sleep – maybe not just literally.

I still haven’t wrote about my last cooking! Damn. I was cooking! And that’s not all! I had someone trying my food! And even if it was reheated – she liked it! Except the olives in my sauce, but I think this was the hidden highlight of what I’ve done. OK, I will tell you short.

Again, I’m more and more surprised, inspired by my old Captain. I made his and my new – Wold Famous Tomato Sauce – with spaghetti. Yes not the opposite! The sauce took me around one hour and 45 minutes!! I will tell you what was in the sauce. It’s a great recipes and almost fail-save!

Let’s start with the base for the sauce. Of course I wanted to save some time, and it was a good idea since it took already ages. So I started with a solid tomato paste base. I used the little cans, two of them, one large glass of essential tomato sauce and the only thing that had already a few spices added - another glass of traditional tomato sauce. So far, a boring and tasteless red ground mix. I used a wok for my composition!

Now I started with the real ingredients. First I cut two garlic toes with a sharp knife into little very thin slices! This was work, you wont believe it! After that I cut a huge, very huge white onion. I was actually surprised I didn’t have to cry. Not a bit… I miss crying. I cut the onion into little pieces because I don’t want that you actually have the onions hanging on the fork… I put a bit less then three quarters into the pot and kept a quarter for later. After that I cut three good looking tomatoes in pieces almost as little as the onions. I found out tomatoes with the stalk are really easy to cut, you just hold them on the stalk and your finger wont be hurt.

Well, now it was almost ready for the stove. Just a lot of salt, pepper and Italian spices. I just put it on low heat because of course there is one important thing missing. The meat! What would be a good tomato sauce without the meat?

I had 400g ground meat waiting to be prepared. I used half of the remaining onions and cut them again into smaller pieces. Then I worked them together with salt and pepper into the meat. Finally I fried the meat until it looked quiet dark and brought it together with the red sauce. Somehow the sauce made strange things. I think the wok was to small for all the sauce. It started exploding like a Hawaiian magma lake…

Oh and I forgot to write about my so beloved olives! In the beginning I thought I just try half of the glass that I actually bought to eat in front of the TV. I had green manzanilla olives stuffed with pimento paste. Again in little pieces a perfect hit! After I tried the sauce it was sure that the whole glass needs to go. After a while the sauce developed an incredible good smell! I was sure that this was the right thing.

The spaghetti were quick. I bought not the cheapest since they swell up to much. To make sure that the spaghetti went out right I tried every few minutes a couple. I didn’t want to destroy my good sauce with bad made spaghetti.

But finally I didn’t. So everything went out great! I was so confident with my sauce I had to write Winnie. And she had to try next day. I already wrote about that… It wasn’t as good as fresh but I think great for a microwave reheated meal. Good appetite! I’m still eating on the sauce. Including all the ingredients I put in there I made more then 2,5l of my World Famous! I’m sure I will make it again. It saves me a lot of time cooking for this week. Yes I’m sometimes lazy. : ) Bye the way – I will move soon. Winnie and me move together, or I move into her apartment since her friend is moving out. So since she liked my first ‘public food’ she has to try more often. I look forward to this. Actually since I’m getting better in cooking, I really get a value in the roommate and single market! “He can cook!?” ; )

Have a good night you all and good appetite again! It’s time now, it will be a long day tomorrow…

Marco

* sometimes a bit crazy – sometimes a cook *

It’s Sunday Morning and I need to go working in about an hour.

People ask me to write more WTC and less philosophical – deep, stuff. Sure I think I will as soon as I feel like doing it. Right now, I had a very interesting time. Deep thoughts, I felt a bit melancholic, almost dark-red romantic but also from time to time a bit demotivated. I would like to write about life hidden in my cooking adventures but somehow I never experienced the power of the question more then now. The question of course is – What to cook? I don’t know right now. Somehow I feel I found a person that gives me inspiration. I appreciate this. Thanks life for giving me this. But when it is about what to cook, can she help me out of here? I’m done with all this pan fried steaks, fish, turkey, butterflies. I’m done with potatoes, doesn’t matter if the normal, the French or the little one. I’m done with tomatoes and finished with rice. So it’s a serious question. It’s a serious thought. I need to see what’s out there on the tables. I need to know what I can do – and I know I can do more then I’ve done. So please help me out and lead me to the answer to the question you always talking about – What to cook?

Besides that. Yesterday, and the night from Friday to Sunday was the time of pain. I woke up in the middle of the night and had the devil of a toothache. I couldn’t sleep anymore I was pressing my pillow against my mouth to stop it, I went from bed to couch from couch to bed but it didn’t stop. I almost went to the Hospital but after hours I slept in from exhaustion. Saturday morning I went to see a dentist. In the beginning it wasn’t that painful, I liked watching TV in the dentist chair while I was waiting for the examination but then as they really started it was pain again. They had to pull the nerves of the tooth that made me problems. It was like hell. In the background there was some kind of talk show about cats where people could call and they gave stupid answers about how to do this and that with a cat. Instead of helping me to forget the pain it made it worse. If I’m in an active pain like that I need to concentrate about it so I can handle it better. But with the stupid soft meaningless, just for seniors meaningful, voice of this talk show host I couldn’t fight against the pain. All the time the dentist had stopped producing pain in my mouth this talk show was calming me down and all my adrenalin went away in seconds, but adrenalin is the best painkiller humans have. So as soon as the dentist started again it was hurting like the first time. And it was even worse, the dentist started talking with her assistant about her cat and that she’s afraid of the noise from trucks on the street since she got hit by one. I couldn’t stand it. If I did anything wrong in the last time, if I maybe ask God and the Devil, can I see how heaven and hell looks like before I decide who gets my soul. This was the outlook I needed. This was hell. Now I’m looking forward to see heaven! I was bending and shaking for pain. But finally even the dentist decided that this show isn’t the right background so they changed the channel and I got now together with another injection the full attention I deserve because I was the patient! After that I got painkillers and even more painkillers. I felt like on drugs all day and had also a very good sleep.

Now I have to make myself ready for work. Right now I work around six days a week, that makes around 45 hours. That’s good, I need this right now to get my head clear and some different thoughts. Sometimes I felt like I was walking the same path again and again and I don’t like walking circles. It’s actually part of my being, my quest to leave the circle again and again so I can go to different places while I’m walking up and down my golden spiral. 06

Have a good day you all and if you don’t have to work – enjoy your remaining weekend and if you work, if you work at my place. See you there!

Marco

PS: Probably there will be an update of this post this afternoon. I just want to give a visual element for my creative motivator, my muse, my Greek Deity.

---

Part two. Sunday early evening.

About the joker’s faces and living with my Greek Deity in a perfect circle.

Sometimes I’m afraid things will end up all the same. That some things I have to experience again and again. It seems that I never learn to stop playing with the fire. Yes I had some trouble and it was actually not really a new theory. So you were right with that. You were right as you said it seems to be the same, it seems to happen again. You doubt it – I was sure. It’s worthless even trying, right now I prefer to give up. I said I take things easy if it works and I’ll be gone as quick as possible if not. Well, I still stayed quiet long with this one. But now, I think it’s time again to move on. Even if this time I don’t feel like doing it. It seems that I loose to much this time. I feel I’m in an almost perfect circle, but not the kind of circle that keeps me from going on, more this kind of perfect surrounding. Things are pretty good and I feel energy everywhere. Things are going forward and I think this time things can get even better, everything can be close to perfect. Maybe I shouldn’t give up. Maybe I should fight. Maybe I should show what it means to be. Maybe I should be . . .

Live can give us difficult situations to deal with from time to time. Life brings us sometimes together. All of us. Life brings us things you don’t even know if it means anything in the future. Sometimes you’ll get empty persons and still get to like them but you let them go quiet fast but sometimes life brings you persons, individuals that are part of you. Because you just know and see and feel it. You see it in you and you see it in them. I just hope we’ll understand what to do with this situations. I hope we don’t waste because we think we know. The got the lines of the following piece of writing together as I walked home today. It actually integrates a lot of thoughts, worries and feelings. A lot of things I experienced in the past and I feel right now came in to it. So it’s mixed up and is not there to describe one specific situation it’s more here to give hints in different meanings. It’s part of me and part of the ones supposed to understand. We all live in secrets but we all know how to talk. The following is my secret my lie I live everyday to remain me. To keep what I am. We all wear our mask and we might all be masters in it. So is the joker – but at least he’s showing us his mask. We keep even hiding this. Here is my lie:

- THE JOKER -

*

The joker knows

how many faces he shows