Freiraum | Open Space

I am so impressed by my little discovery that I have to write about it. First of all a short review of the last few days. Christmas dinner at my friend Lucas place with his parents was great, afterwards we saw the movie Gran Torino, this was even better! After Crash probably the second best movie that handles racism in a very interesting way. A movie that makes you laugh, that makes you shake you head, think and maybe cry. The main character is a person I could identify myself from time to time. I am not that racist, but indeed I might be grumpy from time to time. Especially in the last time as I felt I had to separate from a few in order to find my self, in order to get closer to myself. I was afraid of an screwed up mainstream end, but it wasn’t. I recommend what I saw.

Well and today, I had to get up at five, wrote for a while before I went to work. Boxing day… everyone went crazy. It was such a long day, I was so tired, so vulnerable, I felt so unpleasant, sometimes, a few moments I could feel good. The day started very very cold, that’s for sure. But friends gave me hugs to cheer me up and make me feel a little warm. : ) Still I was so lost today, almost no sleep and no strong thought to hold on to. I was at the mercy of the day. But overall it was funny. I am glad as it was done. I felt a little sucked… (not soaked, I just found out. So whenever I said or wrote soaked in the last time, it might be that I meant sucked. And the same with the word handsome, whenever I said handsome it can be that I meant handtame… Hahaha… lol… : )

I had to get a clear head, it was past due anyway, so I went out. Just for maybe half an hour. And it was a right thing to do. After this day. I have to focus on myself. I almost forgot that it is me who decides and I am the one who tells me who I am. I almost lost me less depending way. I was waiting for other people to change my life, I was waiting that other people bring me what I need. It was close, so close again, living at the edge. But then.. going out and I got it back. So I came back to my place. And here it happened. The little incident, the little try.

I ordered to many traveler checks last week, and so I am a little broke right now. But I don’t want to cash any of my checks unless it is really necessary. That meant I had to start cooking all the stuff I had since a while. I was eating a lot of rice int he last few days. What is not bad, yesterday I cooked quiet a lot, enough for fried rice in the morning. But this wasn’t that good. As I came back from my little trip I started frying the other rest that was left. What came out is a simple, cheap and very quick recipe how to make fried rice awesome. It started with oil in a pan almost under full heat, and also quiet a bit of oil so that the whole pan is covered. Now I filled the pan with the remaining rice. about one inch, maybe one and a half inch high. I waited a while before I scrambled the rice. In the morning I tried my rice with soya sauce because it was so try but the taste wasn’t that good. This time, still no other option what I could use as a sauce I just pured the sauce direct over the rice until everything seemed covered. I had no idea if this would work but at least it produced an interesting sound, so far no smell. I waited a while before I turned the rice over like burger meat, the ground of the pan seemed quiet dry so I added more oil. I did this maybe one, or two more time, I made sure the rice is sticking together quiet well, I used a …what was the name… spatula to press the rice together. After a while I took a fork and just tried a little of the rice, I was almost shocked how good it was. I couldn’t believe it turned out this way, I was thinking, how was this possible? I was lucky this time. Excited about my discovery I got a plate and put all the rice on it. It had a very interesting color, now the amazing smell reached my nose. Eating it was a pleasure, the consistence was also very interesting. Somehow sticky but in a very enjoyable way! It was so good that next time when I make rice I will direct prepare it that way. Sometimes coincidence, the circumstances and experimenting, maybe a bit luck and faith leads to the best things in life. Well, let’s see if this can proof itself in another way.

My head is so full, so many going on. One day you have to read it all. I have to laugh about all this now. Life is an amazing thing, my life right now acts very .. mmmh…. very wow. My few friends, when we sit together just ask me and try to get a little bit of this out of me, you have to feel this when I tell you all the things. Life…

But for now. I promised myself not to sleep before ten, so I have another hour. Can’t waste my day, and night with sleeping. I was in a very bad rhythm but now it is fine. I do want to keep this up, yes I do!

I would love to tell, but there will always be a secret in the next time. It’s all so wild. : )

I wish all of you a good night!! See you soon! Hope you had a good Christmas!

All the best, your

Marco

Someone asked me a couple times, ‘Why??’ ‘Why??’ ‘Why did you do it??’ My answer was ‘I don’t know, I needed it, and you know. I feel much better this way!!’ And it’s still what I would say. Seeing her furious, reacting, me ignoring, even changing her name. It was what I needed, I needed this response, better then nothing. Better this then nothing at all. From now one she can be quiet if she wants to. [ - But you know – actually you shouldn't be quiet at all!!! - ] And finally, she should keep it, I hope she doesn’t bring it back, if she does she can direct break it, tear it apart. Finally she took it home. How did I enjoy to look at her today. Something changed. It was as I could…, I could see her! Even if she pretends to hate me now. I could see. You know girl, you’re a tough nut!

My day started too crazy. I started late and as I came in I was confronted by hectic and chaos. Everything seemed to be messed and screwed up. Very angry people where calling, or came angry into the store. Things got lost, everything was on risk. Million people called, paged, talked to me at the same time. I was turning around like a male ballet dancer, or better a ice figure skater. It was so much trouble and all happened the same time. Phone was ringing in the pocket while Tim handed me another one, important pending paperwork in the left hand, a computer under the right arm, the same arm I tried to open the door with Shawn’s keys. To be honest, I liked this morning. It was so much fun! Making all this screwed up things straight. Showing what I could do. Showing that I can handle it. And yes, I handled it very well. One business guy, he seems in the mid 30’s, quiet young and looks very smart. He’s getting all the time so angry and is making a big story. Somehow I know how to handle him. At least he likes my explanations. He’s getting all friendly as soon as I joined the conversation with Tom and after all the air is out. I guess he likes my explanation of things. Well, I knew his laptop might be physically lost but I could please him for now and he walked out with a smile. He was happy that he could express his anger and ego so freely, he leaves always with a smile, still in hectic. I guess that’s what makes us guys happy. Letting the air out and saying things you wouldn’t say normally. It’s really something to express yourself! Just thinking about was worth a deep breath. Another women who took about an hour of my time was also very pleased with me. I was climbing on ladders to get her some instructions. Well, the first time I was really weak, somehow I felt quiet some fear. But there was just no time for it so I had to go. Well this cleaned my head. I found the right thoughts. Later one I was happy every time I could climb up, did not even ask for any support. It was exciting to feel the deep beside of me, it was exciting to feel the risk. If I had the chance to go higher, I probably would. But the building sets me some limits. : ) I was actually amazed by myself how much I had under control. I was just thinking, ‘Well, now I have to fix this mess, I have to stay calm and clear’ It took me a while to organize and find the right thoughts again, already the second time. The thought that said, ‘you’ll just do it’, ‘you’ll just handle it!’ It was such a rush, three hours later, almost everything was done. I was excited, full of euphoria. I had to smile myself now. It was time for lunch.

A curiosity happened. Something small I feel to mention here. As I was waiting for my cheeseburger I was leaning on a wall and looking at myself in a big mirror on the opposite wall. I was reflecting about myself and also just watching me. (lol… I remember something now…) So, I was in my thoughts as some guy came and started weaving over the mirror, he started cleaning it. He was cleaning just one spot, it was exactly me. He cleaned ‘me’ in the mirror! I felt that seems right. I was pleased. What a strange morning, what a strange day.

Now, the thing I just remembered. Haha… Fucking language barrier! There was a very hyper woman in the store a few days ago. She was complaining about some ink she bought the other day. I was talking to her for quiet a while. She told me the whole story… as usual. It was actually a funny conversation. In the last time I like to talk to the customers. It’s not so formal anymore. It’s somehow personal. That’s cool. Being human and not some kind of machine. I know, I know. I called myself many times a Cylon, and probably I am. But we are like humans, even more! Don’t you know, don’t you understand it?? : ) Anyway. She was talking and talking and between she had to explain herself, had to excuse her talking. She would say stuff like: ‘I’m very pedantic’ and similar. One she repeated again and again and I didn’t even respond, didn’t react but in the hurry of the situation I couldn’t make my mind up about this, what it means. I also had to think about something I read once that someone wrote. She kept repeating that she’s very anal. Why is she anal?? My vocabulary wasn’t sufficient enough to get it right. She repeated it all the time but didn’t say it loud, she was more talking to herself and just me. No one but her and barely me should hear her confassion/self-criticism. And even if I didn’t think about it. I don’t know which part of my brain, the subconsciousness or the more conscious part was asking if she’s really saying she’s anal, while the other part knew it can’t mean that. I have to laugh now… ahaa… I translated it a few minutes ago. Hahaha…. [anal : anal, Anal-, den After betreffend, pedantisch, pingelig{ugs.}] Well, sometimes language is so useless and dispensable. A friend said once to me ‘Language is just there to lie to themselves’ Maybe it’s true. At least in this case it caused a very interesting situation. To bad actually… : P

What a strange day, oh and by the way. Something I might have seen today, I saw it already, I knew already… anyway..

Have a nice night. Read and SEE you soon!

Your Marco.

Winnie – …still love you! THIS is no LIE!!!

PS: I liked this morning so much, why isn’t it all the time like this? I’m in the wrong business! I need some challenge, I have so much potential and can’t use it. I was doing so much better under this stress. My English was great, I was quick and made things just right. If there is no such pressure it seems things are just less important and you screw up just to kill some time. I should look around, keep my eyes open and think about this.

It’s Sunday, a kind of late. So many things happened in the last days, since last weekend. As you might know I was moving out of my actually loved place in Corktown. I moved into a new place in Chinatown, close to her place, close to work, close to Kensington. It seemed to be nice. Well. Right now I spend my last night at a friends place near Eglington. So many things happened and all happened so fast. The first night in my new place was terrible, not just that I was sleeping on the floor, on a towel actually, it was also very loud. Under me I could hear a water pump running, right from me there was a fridge and the kitchen, left was another bathroom with a terrible loud ventilation, people would go for a shower late at night and normally they would leave the ventilation on, wouldn’t close the door, were walking like elephants on the way to toilet, my floor was vibrating. I got so angry with all this. It sounds all stupid, but it was, it really was annoying. I got angry that I said yes so quick, I got angry that I accepted this price for such a small room, without window finally. I got angry about her, angry about the situation, angry that everything screwed up finally. I screwed everything up. I not just lost a great place to stay, I lost so many other things, one is a dear friend. I hated myself, I hated myself for telling the truth, I said loud and clear and it was what I felt. “I hate myself for ever telling her” I hated myself for ever saying I love. For ever feeling love. It seemed to destroy everything. I followed the completely wrong path. I just lost. Next day it was strange, I had still this anger in me, I wanted her to know that I hate the place, don’t know why. I didn’t have the plan to give her the fault or anything else, at least it wasn’t my intention but I needed her to know. I still hoped something would happen. But it didn’t. By the way, things with her… I don’t know. I just forget what she wrote after I made myself clear that I need her, that she is a special friend. Her short response was as short as the little light I saw once in her eyes. It was short and after it was over she didn’t mean it, she had regrets. I guess I have to accept that it’s done. For me we are where we were before she said she accepted my apology. She meant it in the moment but it couldn’t last. I feel sorry for that but I understand.
After work I met some of my roommates. I came back home and they were cooking, direct invited me to join. I got Chinese food to know. Had to give up the chopsticks after a few minutes. We came along quiet good. We had fun and also exchanged our experience with the place. Finally I decided that I need to talk with the landlord or the guy in charge. I got to know from other people that it will be impossible to put a window in this room and I saw the other rooms and how much they pay for it. I told the agent what I think and wanted to renegotiate. I ask him for a realistic price. One day later he came back and gave me the news. He promised me the window but no change of the rent. I didn’t need any time to think and direct ask him to cancel the lease agreement, my right since there was no window. He said it might be OK, but I need to be out tomorrow. That was a kind of unprepared, but I said OK immediately. This was already strange enough. It would be the fourth and last night on this floor, sleeping on a towel. The question was where to go, where to put my stuff. Damn. I had to go and find something. As I went out the door something happened, I felt free, I felt myself. It was a kind of funny. I was worried, indeed but more in a positive way. I felt almost as strong as on my own with backpack around the world. And actually I realized, even if I have a break I’m still this backpacker. I’m still away. I went to my last hostel at Dundas Street first, but had to find out everything was booked out because of the Toronto Film Festival. Later I planed to see some of the festival but I had just other things in mind. Anyway. Michael, the Manager said I could sleep on the floor of the living room for 10 bugs a night. But I can’t bring my storage boxes, just a little luggage. At least I have something that would save me from the street. I was thinking about asking Michelle from work, she became a really good friend but some circumstances she and her friend had to experience told me not to ask for now. I wasn’t even sure if she would say yes. I felt on my own, what was really good somehow because I had to think at my own. I went to the youth hostel from the beginning but the same here, everything booked out, I was walking a long way trough downtown from east to west. I passed a party with many limousines waiting for their owner. It was something related to the festival. I wish one day I will have it that easy, a chauffeur and first class suite waiting for me while I’m socialize with others of the same. While I was walking I was thinking what to do, what to do with me and all my stuff. I was thinking about her and tried if she’s at least able to help me, if she can be some kind of friend. I had a few storage boxes and ask her if she could keep them for me. But she didn’t respond. She never responds to anything in the last time. I thought I’m acting strange… I don’t even want her to respond now because I feel all what she would do is to justify herself and probably giving me the fault. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t want to know, at least not that way and also not through others. It seems anyone knows. I went to another hostel that was full as well and then I needed food and finally went to the Big Fat burritos place again. It was nice there, I enjoyed it. No wonder was as another friend called and ask if everything is all right, no wonder was it was a friend of her and I didn’t even ask to know that she was talking to him. Next day I confirmed and he could just give me right. But it was nice that he offered me his help. Something she couldn’t do. She couldn’t help me, she couldn’t help me anymore. She was just not able to do it so at least she called a friend and ask him to help me out. Well. If this is the way now… So she finally did help me somehow. Indirect. She probably did what she could do.
Next day was a very strange day. I was happy she wasn’t around. I was thinking all day. The night before one of my roommates said I could leave some furniture with him. That was good. But all the other stuff, I had no idea what to do. There was a strange woman at work. She wanted a computer set up, one she just bought but she insisted to stay in the tech-room all the time while I was doing it. It was a kind of strange wish but our manager gave the ok. I had a wired conversation with her. Did not even know what this was all about. She stayed that day around seven hours in this room watching me or just the computer while I was away. I had to leave around five to get my things done with the agent and promise to come back in two hours to finish the computer, She was waiting in the room all the time. I can’t even write about this. I just have to tell this to someone. Somehow she was strange, but on the other side there was something spiritual, illuminating while talking to her. She gave me in her way so much knowledge while I was teaching her the computer. An exchange that was worth this strange experience. That’s how you learn. She asked me if I could give her private computer lessons and she would even pay for it. I never thought about this actually. I was thinking about teaching German as I came to Canada but teaching computer. I said I would think about. After the day was over I thought that I’m not going to do it. It was to wired and I didn’t like it at the end because she became somehow so helpless, egoless. I need people who know, people who are. It was actually just because she said something to the manager that she wouldn’t be a good employee, but she said it in a way that it was more an expression in general. This weakness changed my picture of here. Somehow strange… But now I think I should really do it. I guess I can teach her something and I feel it’s even more then actually computer but I also feel that I will get very important lessons in live from here. It’s a kind of getting knowledge about your self from people who don’t even know. I can learn and benefit for myself from this. That’s why I will do it. But first of all I need a place. And I still had nothing for that night. I got already most of my deposit back from the agent, except $30 for each of the four nights I was staying there. That was OK. I’m glad that worked out. I was talking to a friend again and he said she isn’t going to take my stuff. No space. No answer. Whatever. By the way, what’s funny is that almost everyone knows. I remained silent even if I wanted to cry and yell her name. But I don’t care as long as it helps here. It wasn’t actually that difficult to find out. I’m a kind of smart in that, I have to admit maybe it wasn’t fair all the time. Sometimes I get things to know and people don’t even realize that they just told me everything I needed to know. But I needed to know what’s going on. I wouldn’t ask for any details, no worry. People should do and say and talk about what they want and I really don’t care.
So I was done working on this strange day and walked back home, now it was really time to get a solution. OK, I had no choice, I had to ask Michele, since we come along so good in the last time and I also like her friend Mike I had to give it a try. And she said direct no problem I could stay with them. Wow, I was glad to hear that. To be honest I didn’t expect that. I felt in such a rough situation and in such a rough shape I didn’t know that I have real friends. I felt lucky. I was thankful. As I came back to my place my roommates were eating and invited me again. This time I was much better with the sticks. You see, I’m practicing! We had a good time, a very good time on my last night. I will definitely miss all my roommates there and I promised to come back from time to time. Later we put my desk in the room from one of my roommates and the cabinet in the room from another. My computer and the four moving boxes fit in the cabinet as well, so everything could eventually stay there. Great! This issue was solved. It was very late as I got to Michelle and Mike’s place. I had to wake them up so that they could let me in. I almost thought it was too late. I direct went to bed. I had such a hard* time behind of me. Being in a bed felt sooooo good by the way. First time since days… I slept so good! Next day would open my eyes. I got to know that I made the right choice with everything. I risked to be on the street, I had to give up to be myself, my own master and it was so right! Everything went out ok. And even if I’m in a strange situation now it showed me something. It showed me where my friends are. It showed me there are dear friends. I don’t feel that I deserve it sometimes. Can’t explain why. Sometimes I’m rather someone on distance so I don’t feel the need for a friend, so I don’t experience anything that shows me who are my friends. I’m just afraid there aren’t any. But there are and that makes me happy. I experienced so many nice things since I moved out there. It’s one of my most important experiences here in Canada, so far.
I’ll take later some time to write about the following days. It’s late now and I need to sleep. I’m thankful that finally there was some faith. I could feel something. I thought I screwed it all as I gave up my wish to leave for the west. But I felt like I left last Thursday as I was walking through the streets looking for a new place. Now I got the chance to feel this leaving thing - even if I stay. I might have the chance to experience what was planed for the west, or maybe something completely different - I experience my freedom. My choice. I experience love. Things feel so good and right.

I have to say, writing on a Mac is a cramp, why isn’t there a second mouse button??? I feels retarded, even my writing is not as I like it on a Mac. I don’t want to read it again, I will correct in on my Ubuntu pc when I have the time… so please don’t mind my errors today. And by the way. I might be better and I accepted that she went offline, or at least into a private circle of friends. Anyway.
Now it’s time to sleep.

Good bye now.

Marco

What a strange time.

…I can melt!

The last few hours before I leave. I got my keys, saw my new room again. It’s even smaller then I remembered it. Hope everything will fit inside. I hope the internet will work already. If not, what can I do? I can’t imagine this. But actually it wouldn’t be too bad. A few days off the line. Meeting myself and other things in life to do…

I’m happy that she wrote yesterday. I’m glad to her from you! It seemed such a long time. There were so many different shades since we met the first time. So many different lights causing this shade. How many nuances of life?

I’m going to cook the last time here for now. It’s just simple pasta with pre made sauce. I just finished bringing the water to boil. It took ages, about twenty minutes. There’s almost no cooking equipment left and I had to use this too little pot. Don’t know if it is because of that or something is wrong with the stove. Anyway, now the pasta is in. Will take probably another half an hour before I can eat. After this I help my roommate to unbuild his room, made out of panels. After that, I’m going to move. Still hope I can get a bed before the night.

My computer will be the last thing I take out of here. So there might be time for a short ‘good bye and see you soon’.

Bye now,

Marco

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My last post!

Now It’s time to say good bye. I know it seems so stupid. I move just into another place but somehow changes means something to mean. Somehow you always have to leave behind. I say not just good bye to you, it’s probably a good bye for this time. A place where I grow, where I had to survive, where I lived just with the light in my imagination, just the light that came from far away to me. It’s a good bye to a special time. I will welcome what it new. It thought my computer will be the last thing I put away, but I guess it’s my little radio. I love the music, I need it. It’s part of me. Good bye Corktown, maybe one day you will be a great place to stay. I see the dreams here but also most of the people still sleeping. Wake up and grow. Remember me. I say good bye.

Your Marco.

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I thought she’s just mad or angry at me. I thought it because we stopped talking as I was a kind of rude. I guess that;s what I am from time to time, especially when I’m in the corner. But I didn’t expect it’s because she just feel uncomfortable. I mean it takes a lot to keep yourself together when you have to, it takes a lot to somehow life this lie. I know what I’m talking about because I sometimes feel the same. Days are much easier when she’s not around, I’m glad that things went out OK in the last days. Even if sometimes things feel strange. I like anything that keeps my head active and let’s me look around. I concentrate on having a good time, having fun. I don’t need to go down. Sometimes I let some little feeling grow from my heart but swipe it away before it seems to hurt. I guess this will go. I know this uncomfortable feeling, I experience the same. Don’t know if there is a way out. Just a very few moments were really looking good between us since then. That’s how it finally ended. I didn’t expect it that way. Didn’t expect it that cold. Wow. I’m impressed how things can go. Now I feel even guilty thinking about her writing and her love. Don’t even know if this is appropriate. I guess not. Can’t explain why we aren’t talking. There is not even a final word. I guess it’s better that way. So we drift now completely apart and don’t even see it. I see it. One day one of us will go and we won’t see us again. If we do we won’t even know. Doesn’t mater what happened I didn’t want it that way but I accept. Can’t do anything about the things she feels.

Why is this how it is? Well I have to ask again, how did I get HERE??? Am I the same person then I was before? Am I different? Did I loose something? Did I get anything? I don’t even think she’s reading my blog anymore. I guess she was here from time to time as things were different. I still look very often what she has to say. It’s just I like to know. It’s stupid I know but on my reaction I can see how I feel. More or less. Anyway.

Anyway, I guess this is how things are. Can’t say I expected it to be this way, it’s quiet new. Can’t even say what my expectation were and are. It seems really empty right now. I should do some more with my free time.

OK. I’m a bit confused now. Don’t know exactly why and what I’m writing. Don’t even know who I write for. I know there are a few people coming back every few days. I never wanted to write for big groups. Maybe I just right for me and a very few. But somehow right now, I can’t say who. Is there anyone out there. Seems I lost my inner relation to who I write to. It’s just half past nine and I feel already like going to bed. Don’t want to be awake any longer. Just want it to be tomorrow. So that I can move. Still no bed, no window. But a couple things that will make my new spot nicer. I wished I had some pictures from here.

I guess I can still say, have a good night you all. I don’t even know who you are. I hope some of the few are still reading. Hope you follow from time to time.

Marco

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- YOU -

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You know it meant something for me that someone actually someone gave a fuck about the stuff I was writing and thinking. I liked to talk about and I liked to write about. It was more then just interaction. It was more then just stupid words. There was more behind. Now it feels so flat and valueless. It’s actually bad that this all happened like this. You understood me more then anyone else can do right now and we were heading to somewhere with our thoughts. I’ll miss this time. Life seems to become this death thing again. Where things are normal and this world doesn’t exist. I liked it here. Even if it was all in black. Do I want to be this happy guy, writing about the funny happy life stuff that happened all day? I don’t know. I love to be happy, I love you to be happy but I don’t feel like being less. Less shouldn’t be an option. It’s just wrong to give something like this up. I mean ‘once in a lifetime’ didn’t you understand. Maybe I didn’t. We are here just one time and we should use this chance to get to know. To explore, experience, discover. Not just be like it seems to be the best. Ugh! This would turn me down. I’m rather devil, vampire, fallen angel then brain death and without value and feeling for the ‘mystic’ part of life. I just would like to find a way, like to believe in a way that would work. Somehow. I mean there should be a solution. Something hidden under the surface of the always never ending turning wheel. I’m not the devil, I’m not god, I’m not an angel, I’m not one of the dark. I couldn’t choose to be one. I am all of them. So are we all. There is strength and power in this. I have it, you have it to. Just forget the day, the light and the night for a while and believe in something. Share a believe with me. I can believe in everything that happened. I can and I will. I rather choose to die then to live something less then that. You know I can fly, you know I can land, you know I earned and deserved my wings. I’m not weak, I’m strong. Just don’t see the need to fight it. Just lay back and see, see and feel how easy it is to be part of it. Because you are. You are part of this story. You were long before I met you, long before I met you. I would like you to see your strength I would like you to understand you part. Just lay back and don’t fight it for a while and you will see there is nothing to fight. There is nothing to fear. I believe you will find there something that was hard for you. Something that seemed impossible because you thought it isn’t there. There will be a strength. And I’m sure you could write back, you could give me the most powerful stroke I’ve ever seen. Show me that you can lead this in the same amount as I can do. I believe in this, I believe in you. I know you’ll find a way. I’m not begging you. I just ask you to by all what is left. I’ll wait for you.

It’s your Marco speaking here, someone you got to know by now. Now you almost know it all.

Today is the last day, the end of an era. Today was the last day, the last chance. Everything needed to be done until today. Was I supposed to leave Toronto for the wast, am I supposed to stay? I don’t know but I made my choice. From today a new time is starting. I leave this lovely place, this dark place where all the day is night. It will be my last night before things will be different. I’m not longer the the same as soon as I move out. My state of mind will be different exposed to the light for a few more hours a day. Will my writing, my feelings be different? Will I be more lucky or will life be strange and wired. I can’t tell. I couldn’t show my place, don’t even have pictures of it. I will miss it and I will miss this time that slips slowly away and I already forget how it was. Tomorrow morning I will move into the new place. I hope everything will be right, hope my window, my window to the outside of my inner life, will be done. I have to check it today. Somehow I’m excited but also very nervous. I wasn’t that nervous about simple stuff like this since a while. There is just more behind. There are just more things related to this.

The day before yesterday as I walked home I saw a fire red cat running in high speed over the street but the same time there was a car and she run direct into it, got hit by the car and the wheel. It was a loud sound and I was shocked, stopped walking. I could feel the tension as I saw her running and then the shook. But somehow she made it, the car stopped and she turned around running even faster a side street away. She seemed OK. I couldn’t go on with what ever I was thinking. I shock my head and walked away still thinking about the cat and if it means anything but I couldn’t think about anything else then the meaning – life. That was life, this is life.

Yesterday was a strange day. I felt good, then I felt not so good, and then I felt good again. I have to keep myself together. I don’t want things to happen, stupid things. I shouldn’t do things because of the wrong reason. I’m not desperate and don’t want any embarrassing things to happen. In positions like this it’s quiet easy to do stupid thing, things to archive something, some inner feeling, some other feelings. But no. I should keep work as work, have just fun and enjoy. Nothing else. So was it yesterday at the end. Actually if this would remain like this it’s really cool. I feel in a good position, come along quiet easy with everyone. I can’t say this was all the time like this, there was a time as I started to dislike some people because I thought they wouldn’t fit in my life, I thought they are to different so that’s why I was so arrogant to feel I don’t like and want them. But I remember, I know I’m the one who likes the interaction, I can really enjoy and like people. I like there words and reactions, like my words to them and my reaction. Yesterday I almost felt, I had something stupid but finally everything went out good. I had to set some lines for myself, had to set how I want things and how they should go. Well. It’s cool now.

I have to go working now, last day today and then I have three days off. I look forward for this but also know that I have so many shit to do. But this will be fine. I’m excited.

Yesterday as I walked to work I was thinking all kind of stuff, I don’t know who was thinking for me. I had this selfish ideas and things I hoped to archive for some stupid reasons. I was full of power, electrified and thought that’s it. I thought I can do what I want. Didn’t play attention to my heart or things in balance from deep inside. But then, out of the blue I imagined someone close. I imagined someone giving me a hug, holding close to my body leaning the head on my chest and just hug me. It was a strange feeling, so different to everything that day before. I could almost feel her, it felt so good. I was walking for a few minutes and she was still there. So close and tight. So near and warm. I felt she hugging me and feeling my heart. I could feel my heart. How stupid where all my ideas before. It isn’t the tree I have to look for, it was her who came into my thoughts and gave me this hug that showed me another side in my. Something warm I ignore from time to time. She showed me – me. I wasn’t really thinking about it. I just knew it felt so right. I can still feel it, slowly hug her back and lay my arms around her. But I don’t need to, she was still hugging me, doesn’t matter if I react. But slowly I did. Stay close to me, I don’t need to think, don’t need to see, talk or hear, I just need to feel. This few minutes changed my day. My morning was different from this moment on, it was lasting quiet long and gave me the power to walk into the Store as someone else, or better as me. Someone else had to go away. All the feeling, all the warm and soft in the last time. I can’t think about anything else then to say it is all coming from the same. After pain and pain, craziness and chaos. Here I am and feel good. Why? It’s supernatural I guess, things we don’t know. Things our subconsciousness tells us to feel. Do the people from far away know more? Is the last lovely thing I write from this dark place here? What happens when light starts my day? Now I need to go work. I might make some eggs on top of a bagel for breakfast. I need to get a bed. I got everything for my room but somehow not the bed.

Have a good day you all.

Marco!

… How should I call myself for the new week? Two weeks ago it was ‘rebound’ last week I guess it should be ‘released’ and this week I guess it can be ‘enlightened’ or ‘delighted’ or maybe ‘revived’ ???

Have a beautifully day again!

Something else: I was almost done with it. The radio is one and a melodie announced a song, now I’m happy and lauging! … “Letting the days go by/water flowing underground … Into the blue again/after the moneys gone ……. once in a life time”

(*hahaha I almost forgot the best part…)

It was a challenge. It took her ages to make the first contact and it took her much longer to ask, but finally she came and was listening with her pretty face. With her beautiful lips she gave me the OK and went away. From now on everything happened so fast. It took her not long and she was back giving me what I should call – my quest and dare. People were looking at me and asking “How??” “Do you?” “Woooow!!!” “Are you really going to do it??” ‘Yes’ I said and here I started. Applause and cheering form everyone around. To fight this piece of hell I had to become the devil – or a at least a daemon. But I did it and I made it. The girl next to me went down to my jeans and opened my belt while the others were watching. It had the length of an girls underarm and so much flesh I never had between my own teeth before. It was a massive Texas style rib as I got it and what I’ve left was just a piece of bone. God help me - I need to eat more healthy! I said if there was one more reason why I was fasting on the weekend, it was this piece of meat. Yes it was meat!

Why is all the time this huge amount of flesh involved when I somehow meet up with friends from work?? BBQ party, the infinity of all you can eat chicken wings and now this piece of flesh??! It’’s all not bad but I would prefer something that’s not as heavy in the body and something that at least seems a bit healthy. But it seems such get-together’s are more rare and reserved for special moment with special people. So far it’s funny. It’s funny how things are, over the time you get people from work to know and you see more and more what’s going on under the surface, you know more and more what some interactions between them mean. You experience the secrets, the dark sides, the things that should remain unknown and untold. You discover things you wouldn’t expect, you get confirmed the things you knew even before you even really met the person. People become people, people become real. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I wish I could stay far. Everyone seems to have some kind of secret and you get to know. I’m just glad nobody knows me so far. : )

After the beautiful morning yesterday, of course I didn’t expect the day to be the same. Work was a bit boring and later on I got tired too. Sometimes I missed, sometimes I thought I need but it was OK. And at least everything was working fine. Later there was this birthday party where I had this rib. On our way back I ask in respond to a question “And I ask myself – how did I get here??” I didn’t take long before we got the melody and started making sounds, then we remembered some of the lyrics and started singing… “dumm dumm dumm dumm dumm… lalalalala… once in a liiife tiiiime…” “lala lala lala”

Talking Heads – Once in a lifetime

“And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
Wife
And you may ask yourself-well…how did I get here?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…

Water dissolving…and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? …am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!…what have I done?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…”

There are little things, really little things that could mean nothing but mean a lot to me. Little things that are important and have a meaning. things you give when you decide to keep silence. I couldn’t life without them – I can not life with them. That’s how confusing it is.

And finally… Yes - once in a lifetime! This all is something that happens just once. It will never be the same as it was yesterday, as it is today, and as it will be tomorrow. Even if it is the same. Now I have to go working. When I look around in my room, well I made a freaking mess here. I need to clean up a little. Sheets of paper, pens, washed and used cloth, more paper and all kind of stuff. It seems it reflects the mess I left behind in my head as I just left, the mess I ignore just to be myself again and go forward as a quiet happy person. Well. I still miss sometimes. It’s rare and soon the last glowing will be gone.

See you soon.

Marco

*

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DAY ONE

- MEETING THE PAIN AND CRAZINESS -

---

*

SATURDAY MORNING – 09:03AM

It’s Saturday morning. I couldn’t sleep long. It was about 8:45am as I woke up. I’m already weak and powerless. But the night felt good. It was a very balanced sleep and no laying around as I woke up. Last time I was eating was yesterday around 2pm. I expect to clean myself a little today and tomorrow.

About her, I follow what she’s saying and writing. I can’t really understand. I seems in the same post she uses unclear words like ‘him’ for me and someone else. Just separated trough a few sentences. I wish my Chinese translation skills would be better, so I would know if I read this right. Anyway. It’s probably worthless anyway. But what I feel is that she’s angry at me, that she fights me and all my words and thoughts. She doesn’t want to listen is afraid my words make her change. My words don’t change anything, it’s just me! I haven’t give a reason to fight me, there is no reason to show where love is. I think I understand this. If you feel like to cling on something, to push something – I don’t care. I mean yes I do care and still - it hurts and takes a lot not to feel – but that’s the way.

Just think about. What’s wrong? What are you mad at, why do you keep fighting? Why do you have to push some things that are going on? I see how everything changed, you writing, your reaction since – unfortunately that night. You said you wanted to help as good as you can. Be there for me as a friend… Well, it seems you prefer to hurt, you want me to pay back for my self. Payback for things that aren’t supposed to feel like that. Well I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not my responsibility what you feel, . . . what you love, hate, miss or just lost. If you would just understand a bit more, if you would just be a bit easier, not so complicated and fixed to something that doesn’t do anything good for you. Thing could be so easy – special. Not we have to go through all this again.

I feel actually quiet good just my body is shaking a little because of all this thoughts. I even started building my new website. It’s a nice design. I had the draft already drawn before I had the one right now. I almost didn’t want to do it but still I feel it’s time. I might work on this toady to keep myself focused on something else. I might go for a walk if all power is gone. I’m looking forward to see you, even just for a bit. Just to loose a bit this monotone feeling I get here from the internet. Screen addicted I guess. If you prefer to meet earlier, would be fine with me. Just give me a call but not to late.

I’ll write more later on toady.

Bye now.

---

SATURDAY NOON - 12:12PM

In love - for a friend.

Hello Lucy!!

It’s a long long time ago since I wrote you, since our ways went apart. Right now I think it’s a good time to write you. Maybe coincidence or just curiosity what I’m doing brings you back here from time to time. It’s a good time now because things happened as you can see. It’s a good time now because I do my first fasting as I said I would. Even if it isn’t as long as it should. For this is just no time but it’s enough to get an idea. I miss your letters and could need them now. I remember that last one, the one that was supposed to be the first one – the one for today. I remember most of the words, I remember the story you told me about the dark alley. I loved this story, it was so much more. I would like to read it now but somehow I lost a few of you letters and this was one of them. But letters doesn’t matter as long as I still think about you from time to time. I will remember you as the angel who changed my life and was part of me for so long. I remember as the Virgen de la Luz was watching over our heads. The time we had in between was good and necessary. We both knew this, we both knew what was going one. In this case, even if we might have lied. We understood.

I’m looking forward to see you one day when my journey is finished. At least my travels, I guess my journey is never ending. And that is good! I know all this here will shake me a bit more and when I’m close to home I might need some time. I’s just amazing how much happened since I left and I just can imagine the amount that will come. There is almost no time to see through all this. Raw moments of enlightenment show me how far I already went and deep inside I’m already feeling that I’m grown to more then just the person who left a few years ago. It seems I’m more and more my own words, my dreams and my own story. It’s not just simple words anymore. I feel it’s me, I’m so close to myself. I accomplished to finally find what was always there. I wasn’t lying as I said who I am and who I want to be. I never was because now I think I can see. I can see myself in the mirror and start to recognize, almost start to love. I feel a strong heart, a strong brain and mouth and eyes who can show that this is really me. I just imagine how I could feel with my hands and body.

I still dream from the mountains near you. I still need to go. At the end of my journey it will be the right time. It will be lonely but I won’t feel lonely because I will have me and all my thoughts and memories I need to write down. One day I will come down. I guess it takes me a winter and the spring will welcome me as being free. It will be the end of my travel and since the mountains won’t be far you might be the first who can read it. I owe you this. That’s what I know. I hope you will be there.

I wish you something. Be happy and lucky because thats the Lu I met!

My Lucy Lu!

Your Marco

…your Mr. Marco B : ) I probably can’t wait until you’ll find it by chance…

[Lucy I just found this letter - you wrote it so much earlier then I thought!! I'm going to read it right now!!]

---

SATURDAY EARLY AFTERNOON – 2:04PM

Back from the shower, cleaned from the dirt and smell of last night. It’s time to get out of here. I need something else to see. Sun would be a beginning. I just hope it isn’t too exhausting. I feel powerless from time to time and need to lay down, to rest for a few minutes before I can go on. I have a little headache but I think it’s because of this room here. I liked it so much in the beginning, now I feel stuck in this windowless surrounding. I need light and air! Well let’s see how the city treats me. Let’s see how this day can be my friend.

See you later I guess.

---

SATURDAY AFTERNOON – 4:55PM

In the city…

As I left the house I felt weak, not strong and unsure how to handle the day. But some moments where I could show, I can be strong changed everything. I heard music different then ever before. Normally short melodies were extended to long, I was listening what the music had to say and it went direct into me. I became stronger…

Now music is faster, louder. Cuban melodies play my imagination, my fantasy. My memories as I was unbound, stranger on a long undefined road of daylie adventures came back. I’m finally home. People dancing around me. Oh my god, I am dancing – what is happen?? What is going wrong – what is going right?? Sweet music take me away!

The meeting with her was short and friendly. I didn’t want any more. I guess it was supposed to be like that. But it doesn’t matter now. Now I’m here. The sun is hot and heating up my skin. I get burned right now. I love it! Music take me away!

Cuba I never been there but I know it is a place to go. Far away from the tourist beaches, that’s where I will find! That’s where this music really comes from. Many times walked ways but never seen places…

I wish we could share this. I wish you were here and would experience the same! I never had the chance to share feelings like this. This is new for me, less then two years old. I wish we were closer.

I wish we could share the same melody, play the same song.

We should dance! Did you ever dance?

‘De Alto Cedro voy para Marcan
Llego a Cueto, voy para Mayar

El cario que te tengo
No te lo puedo negar
Se me sale la babita
Yo no lo puedo evitar

Cuando Juanica y Chan Chan
En el mar cernan arena
Como sacuda el jibe
A Chan Chan le daba pena

Limpia el camino de paja
Que yo me quiero sentar
En aqul tronco que veo
Y as no puedo llegar

De alto Cedro voy para Marcan
Lleg a Cueto voy para Mayar’

The band is playing a mix between Cuban music and some classic rock.

‘Back magic woman’ with a salsa twist sounds funny to me…

I need to go. But before I will have a look at the souvenirs.

. . .

I just came back…

Well now. Now I got a real issue. I just got the news that the guy who is renting me the room just signed with other people. That means he’s moving out here at the end of this month. That’s what I have to do now as well. So, well, I will be sitting on the street. What kind of faith is this? I just think about, I hope I can get a reservation at the hostel I was staying in the beginning. But I hate this place, this will bring me so far down. I just started to be really productive and so. Now sharing the room with up to nine other guys for a too expensive price. Waste of money, waste of time. What should I do with all my stuff. [Well, but this won't be a problem since I just found out almost every hostel is is for most of the days booked out!!!] Damn! Is there someone else out there looking for a roommate??? Well living with her would be perfect now since the guy is giving most of his furniture away… It never fits. If the one thing is solved the other makes trouble. Damn. This city is pushing me out of here. Damn, what to do? [Now I'm really thinking what to should, can do! Can't believe now that she changed her mind in the last second after everything was so clear and looking good. Head shaking...]

. . .

Chan Chan…

It’s my world… I just feel it

---

SATURDAY EVENING - 7:30PM

Hello Tony.

It’s probably unexpected that I write you this way and maybe strange too. But it’s a strange time anyway – not just since a few month. I guess we all could call this a strange time. I said I will write you or stop by and tell you how things are going. I choose this way because I just want her and others to see my concerns right now. It’s important to me. OK, so far… I didn’t get anything related to photography as I wanted in the beginning, not even a job in a camera store. I don’t even think I want to work in a camera store. Actually, no - I don’t want. But I didn’t give up. I gave Toronto a chance. I started washing dishes on a weekend, then packing muffins in a factory outside of the city, and then almost two more month as a dishwasher again. At least the money was good, but the work and hours terrible. Even if I almost needed it, 60 to 70 hours a week seems hard but can be a relief. I call it experience, experience I don’t want to repeat right now. Well but finally since I’m still educated in IT I got a job as technician at Staples. It’s OK, at least I can use my brain, the people are good and I had enough free time to work on my own. I found some very creative people I could share some of my interests. Since a few month then things really got better. I got a kind of life, a kind of life I wished. I started writing again, finished a new website and was working on all kind of stuff. I read books and stuff and finally I had the chance to start with photography again. I’m running around with an old Leika 35mm SLR with a lens that has issues with the aperture, so that I have to shoot everything with F16… But still, I enjoy it because this makes me really think about the results. From time to time I pass your place and I like the pictures you made. I wish I could express myself, me feelings, my hope, wishes and - my ego trough pictures more. Everything that my pictures would show is done and doesn’t need to be a part of me anymore. But I’m working on it. Right now I’m into writing. I guess it’s the best way to express myself right now but it’s sometimes difficult.

I remember as I came to Canada, with big expectations and finally I had to lower down a bit. Keep it real I guess. As we met I was a kind of impressed by your appearance. To be honest I was disappointed not to learn from you. I’m not just talking about photography. There are many photographers out there. I saw something different. I guess it’s my search for some kind of father person. Even if I don’t like to admit it. I wish from time to time that other people, people I can valuate highly could have a stronger influence on me. But I guess we’re all on our own when it comes to the important questions in life. After we met I was talking to some friends in the hostel I was living and told them I found a great person.

Strange, I just feel like talking about all this right now. I have a hard time because everything seems to fall apart. I decided not to eat over the weekend just to get my brain clear. I guess that’s part of it.

I was just thinking how would things be. Would it be different, would I be a better person, or let’s say would things be better if I had the chance to learn from you or strong people like you? I don’t know. Can’t tell for sure. Things never end up as we want it. They end up always different. There is never a big change in our life except if we fight for it, if we are willing to give up for it. Sometimes I still hope from time to time things will be different. It would be cool if you have time to drop a few lines, write me a message, you have my address or leave a not here if you want to.

Ich rufe von Zeit zu Zeit hinaus in die Stille und hoffe auf Antworten, Loesungen, vielleicht auch nur auf die richtigen Fragen. Es passiert selten das etwas kommt zurueck, wenn nicht nur das Echo.

Meine Gruesse,

Marco

---

SATURDAY LATE EVENING / NIGHT – 9:19PM

She couldn’t give me an answer. She just left.

It was such a long day. Can’t believe that all this happened today. It’s a endless story and this was just day one. Tonight it will be the end of something. Last week I told a friend this week, everything will be rebound, from shoes, over feelings and foot to people and especially me. Rebound cats, rebound pasta, rebound hope, rebound love, rebound me. A few people even got me to know as Marco Rebound Boerner. Haha. But now he just told me today, or was it yesterday? It isn’t allowed for me to be REBOUND for more then a week. So this night - midnight - I will be just Marco Boerner. I’m happy with this. At least I am. ; ) …I AM

Now it’s time for me to get out, I need a walk, some fresh air before I might try to sleep. I’m sure I will wake up earlier then today and the day will be harder. It will be an endless forth and back. I’m looking forward to some pasta, tomato sauce, maybe a steak with rice for tomorrow night, as soon as the sun went down.

I don’t know about all this, I just know it doesn’t matter what I do I still like her. Can’t even think about my living situation right now, can’t even think about anything else even if it would be important. Can just think about her. All day, all night. Take my love and give me a friend – be more! Why can’t it work like this? I still keep it quiet. I know, hard to believe. You saw someone great, someone special and I wanted you to get to know who is behind, how deep it can go. You met me now. I think I know you as well. I wished I could look behind your dark eyes. I wished I could see, could be part of what’s there. I would like it. But right now. Looking in your eyes would be enough. Just for a second, another glimpse. Another part of you, another part of what is mine.

Have a good night 0%

---

SATURDAY NIGHT – 10:37PM

From the bridge where I was going…

‘THE RIVER I STEP IN IS NOT THE RIVER I STAND IN’

I walked over this bridge looking for silence but stayed over the highway in the middle of the lanes. The cars went so fast, hundred of souls. I was watching the movement, looking into the lights. As I left I saw the river, better a dirty channel, the quiet railroad, a dark street with just a few cars, artificial green illuminated gardens surrounded by high fences. Also the bridge was busy. Streetcars made the ground quaking, more fast cars, people and me.

I’m so hungry now. I don’t think I can sleep.

Just on the other side of the bridge there was nothing, a big empty field and some green. I could hear the locusts and felt the silence over there. I would enjoy silence.

Helicopter, lights on the sky, everything is moving. I’m not part of this city – it drives me crazy! I wish you were my retreat. I need you as the person to go and let go. To take it easy, light and soft.

Back in the building everything smells good. I can smell the food from every door.

It’s silly that I still hope one day she might want to talk a bit more, about something more. And I wished she would knock on my door one day – since I knocked on hers for too long. She does not even know where I life. If you ever want to talk.. don’t even know the number, big building on St Lawrence Street and King - #108 . . It’s silly to write this but it’s a kind of faith thing I have in mind so long. I just needed to write this.

Have a good night again and if you really feel as I do now. I’m sorry again!

Marco – someone who needs you!

*

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DAY TWO

- THE FINAL DAY -

---

*

SUNDAY MORNING – 9:50AM

I woke up 7:45 but stayed in bed until 9:15. Today I didn’t want to get up because I was afraid that things are like at the end of yesterday. I felt it was terrible. Except the feelings for her… First of all today, my internet wasn’t working, this was a shook but I could fix it. Some very nice mails where waiting for me and made the beginning of this new day much better.

I’m a bit worried this morning about my living situation. I need to make a plan. I hope I can find something not to far from work. Winter is coming and if I’m planing to stay I don’t want to walk for ages trough the snow. But it’s not easy to find something. Especially if you had already what you needed. I’m just not good at this. I can find you everything in the internet, from electronic, downloads, a good dentist, the cheapest flight etc. I’m actually pretty good in research – that’s what I did from time to time for my old employer in Germany, before the army… but I never had luck in finding longterm accommodations. I’ll look for hours and nothing shows up. I have a kind of bad luck with this. Unfortunately.

Let’s see how this day is going. I’m hungry and look forward for tonight.

See you soon!

Marco - not longer rebound.

---

SUNDAY NOON – 12:35PM

I go crazy with her! It seems we just follow some kind of pattern. Nothing is real anymore. We handle as we told to do, we handle as we saw it somewhere but nothing is true. And the bad thing is – we do remember the patterns but we don’t know how to go from the one to the next. Somehow this information is missing in our brain. We can’t even tell if anything will be the right thing. There is no proof because all this is made out of someones fantasy!

Now I’m threaten her. The best moment for me is the worst for her. It’s like to little points coming together in the universe, they came closer and closer, crossed each others way but we were to fast, wrong timing, the angel was wrong. So we couldn’t hold each other and make our ways to one strong line. We both went apart as fast as we were coming together. No turnaround now. Distance will grow and grow. Our ways, thoughts – everything more and more different. We missed the point and drift away, shoot away into the infinity.

What a bad end.

…I just wanted to know the truth but from everywhere things show up and tell a different story.

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SUNDAY EARLY AFTERNOON - 1:11PM

You know, long long time ago there was a girl and she took me one thing. She took me the believe in messages. I can’t believe in the untold hidden things anymore. Since then there was just one way, I became the messenger. To still keep believing in this I had to write. Everything I wrote has it’s message because that way I know it isn’t just imagination. I see the messages because I write them. But since I lost this believe I won’t see what other trying to say in between the lines. I’m fighting for the clear truth against every feeling that shows different things, because the things between made me crazy ones, even if I still try to find. I’m not open for anything else and I’m not sure if this will ever heal. I’m going to write my messages but it will take a lot to ‘talk’ to me. It seems I lost one of the most exciting, most hidden parts of interhuman communication. At the cost of very valuable persons, friends, . ..

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SUNDAY EARLY EVENING - 6:55PM

She was looking good today! Fresh and pretty like newborn.

I just came from the city. Had an exhausting walk to downtown behind me. I felt really powerless this time. I was a kind of nervous. I was thinking I hope my condition doesn’t screw anything but I also thought if I can make it like that I can achieve much more. So and I think things went out good. It seems, call it faith or not.. Can’t talk about believing right now. But I just payed first and last for the my new room in Chinatown, close to the Kensington area where I wanted to be. Close to things I like.

I’m close to happy now!

Can’t believe all that what happened so far. It’s been around 53 hours without food, it’s been around one week since the one night, it’s been around a month since it came stronger, it was more then two month ago since I realized you and since got you to know, it’s around four month ago since I saw you first, for seven month I came to Canada, eight month ago I left the boat, over a year ago I left Africa, before that I left Europe and it was in August 2006 as I left Germany to experience something completely new and different.

…A few hours left before I can eat. I’m looking forward to this special “What to cook” because I already know. I smelled every little source of food on my way back home, I’m so excited how it will taste! It should be great! I don’t even cook something special, just something easy and good!

So things went out OK - finally. Thanks to some good friends, thanks for all the mails. Thanks that others could believe as I was struggling!

They are going to break a window in my new room! It was windowless but I will get some light and green in front of my new place!

As I went back everything felt good, light and easy. A baby was looking at me and smiling. I could understand in this moment and would take the life as easy as this little human can do. If you feel good, just don’t think – feel good. I followed the baby’s eyes and was looking at the sky. A beautiful blue sky with little white clouds. It’s so long and it felt so good.

I just enjoy this feeling for now.

And you.

. . .

Thank you!

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SATURDAY NIGHT – 9:12PM

It is done now!

It was exactly 9PM as I finished with my dinner. Wow, I feel different now. It was good. I feel like sleeping and going to bed. I eat so much, almost too much. I just found out I guess I was a bit blind as I started cooking. My roommate offered me some food because he cooked for all but I was so eager to get enough food that I said no. I made pasta and tomato sauce, over this I put three slices of cheese and I can’t believe it myself, over this three eggs over easy. I mean I have to say everything went out great but I felt already guilty while I was eating it. (I almost think it was against faith. I’m afraid to ask if it could show me that is was OK and exactly the right thing to do…) But still I was so hungry. I just forget about the dinner and feel good now. I feel good. Let’s see how my body will take it. What he had to offer, by the way. It sounds now perfect to me. He had about seven of this little gourmet potatoes left, one slice of fish and a whole pot with mixed salad. Good salad, looking very fresh and crunchy. It might have been the better meal. But that’s done. I guess I’m going for a walk, maybe take a streetcar downtown and come direct back. In the next time. I will eat healthy. This experience showed me this. It’s the better way of life. So far, amazing weekend. It was endless long and it’s still not over.

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SUNDAY BEFORE MIDNIGHT – 11:50PM

I walked again the long way along the streets of the town. Just to meet your number. I had again in mind where my window will be. I didn’t want to knock on your door this time, didn’t want to call. I was just the messenger and it wasn’t just a dream. I was really there. Not noticed by you like the other day before we met in the park, but this time I came alone.

On my way back I went the way pass the park. First I wanted to walk trough it again but then I decided just to pass, just to have a look. But as I saw this place it seemed to be magic. I saw the bench where we were talking under the warm yellow light. I just had to go in. Now I sit here at the same place, get bitten by mosquitoes again. I did not even notice that last time until the next day. It’s a mystic place, so powerful and romantic. I don’t think about the past. I just imagine you were here. But the place is empty, just the green bench reflects the yellow light and makes a glowing spot where you were sitting that night. I don’t even remember that light was there before, not as bright as today.

Yes you gave me something that day. You don’t need to feel bad about it, not angry nor sad. You really gave me a souvenir. You don’t need to be angry because I asked you. I need to be thankful because you gave. That makes you a good person, instead of me. There is no reason to be awake. You have the right to sleep because even if you doubt it you heart is on the right spot. Thank you my girl!

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SUNDAY - MIDNIGHT

Sit me on a park bench by midnight and moonshine and I will be a romantic!

I like the noise that silence makes

Pasta, cheese and the eggs. Actually it was the right decision! Man that was just good! As a man I need this food.

I like this energy now. Making step by step and no need to worry about.

My conclusion for the weekend – WOW!

Tomorrow I will get me one of these super tasty $8 chicken sandwiches from the coffee shops. Yummy!!

The radio plays:

“I’m still alive

Hey I, I, I, I’m still alive, yeah”

Keeping balance while dancing over the stones in front of my place. No problem!

“I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, but, I’m still alive”

Now the day is over, the day is done. Thanks again to who was with me that days!

Your Marco – reborn and flying around. It almost feels as I would get my wings back!

*

“Alive”

Son, she said, have I got a little story for you

What you thought was your daddy was nothin’ but a…

While you were sittin’ home alone at age thirteen

Your real daddy was dyin’, sorry you didn’t see him, but I’m glad we talked…

Oh I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey, I, I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey…oh…

Oh, she walks slowly, across a young man’s room

She said I’m ready…for you

I can’t remember anything to this very day

‘Cept the look, the look…

Oh, you know where, now I can’t see, I just stare…

I, I’m still alive

Hey I, but, I’m still alive

Hey I, boy, I’m still alive

Hey I, I, I, I’m still alive, yeah

Ooh yeah…yeah yeah yeah…oh…oh…

Is something wrong, she said

Well of course there is

You’re still alive, she said

Oh, and do I deserve to be

Is that the question

And if so…if so…who answers…who answers…

I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, but, I’m still alive

Yeah I, ooh, I’m still alive

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

*

*

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- THIS IS THE END . . . MY ONLY FRIEND … -

THE END

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*

Well. So a few words about the last days. Everything seemed to be normal. Still some feelings, but I could accept.

I learned a lot I guess. First of all I have to apologize to someone else. The French girl I had some feelings for a while ago and finally left Toronto today, at least for a while. She gave a kind of good bye party. She invited me but in the beginning, still suffering from another source of pain I thought it will be stupid. I was still not feeling good seeing her and seeing the guy she was dating. The one I was writing bad about. But then since the day as I realized that all this trouble is useless. I decided to go. I met her and the others in a bar, saw friends I haven’t seen since a while and it was quiet cool. It felt good because some of the people were the first I met here in Canada. I was surprised that I could talk to some people I would never have thought that I would like them. Anyway, finally we could forget what was and I had a friendly good bye for her.

Work… work is as usual… It will be a bit less stress since I’m done in Mississauga, where I was working three times a week in the last weeks. It was OK there but nothing for long. I heard a rumor that they are thinking of offering me a full time position… but I don’t even know if this is true. Anyway. Let’s see how work will be in the next time. I need to get used to the normal life again. Even at work everything was a bit changed. I was never there and when I was there it took me long to get back into my routine. I feel a bit like a renegade.. : ) But since last Sunday I was supposed to be rebound… I might explain later…

Unfortunately I just got the news that I won’t move into the new apartment. That’s a kind of trouble for me and well, it makes me think again how I should remain with everything. As I decided to stay in Toronto everything seemed fine. Now, everything is changed. Can’t even recognize myself someday. The clear melody I was playing seems now crackled and jarring. What causes all this?

I just hope I can find the right notes and play a good solo for the next time. : )

The girl… mmh. It’s strange too. Don’t know where we are heading. First she went away, then it was me, then we found us as friends and now? Now it seems she’s drifting again. I said I learned a lot in the last time and I guess it’s not over. I just felt myself in a confident situation where I wouldn’t loose a friend but now. Now it’s getting cold and on distance. I didn’t want it so far and I didn’t saw it coming. The new picture I draw right now is about two people who talk less and less until they remain mute to each other. That makes me worry because now it’s a total loss. I liked at least talking to her, writing with her, but something just came in between. It’s like a voice was whispering in her ear, telling her what to do because it doesn’t feel as it was her. I finished with my voices a while ago. I was a bit upset. I’m still a bit now but writing in a small dose might help. . . . I feel something else I wouldn’t like is coming. . . . While I’m trying to move on, she still tries to make me understand that I’m not the one. While I ask for a friendship that means something, she’s telling me she’s not attracted to me. I don’t know what’s going on.

My writing is fucked up today. It’s a mess. I’m tangling(?) around my feelings and what’s inside just to keep things the way they are. She might be right. And I probably was wrong with everything I said since I was talking about giving up a believe when the feeling is wrong. Maybe it was a test and I didn’t pass. I should have gone to the west as I wanted it. Now I feel I jailed myself to things like friends, work, emotions and my dreams I can’t carry out. Maybe it isn’t the right place for my dreams. Maybe I’m done and my mind already gone. Normally in this situation I say to myself, I would challenge something much bigger. Kind of supernatural I’m talking to when I say: ’show me something different, show me that even now everything can work out right!’ But it never happened. I found out since a long while, there won’t be an answer. This sentence, this last prayer dedicated to faith and probably the undefined appearance of a god is just the sign. The sign that it is done! There won’t be anything else. Nothing will come from here now. Sometimes I was happy about this because I also say this in fear, this time I’m a bit unhappy because I say it out of hope. OK. I accept my faith.

Now I don’t have any feelings about anything at all.

I should give another friend a call and ask if she still wants to move together. That would mean living close to the Rockies and hopefully working in a boring job as a receiver for some kind of company. At least the payment would be better. But I know how it will be. I had energy for this last month. Now. No way, even this will not work. I’m getting all miserable now. Mission ‘drying out’ accomplished. You know I planed to keep things confident but I just wrote someone and I feel that this shows much better what’s going on in my brain. Here I’m so controlled in my writing, I can’t feel free. My mind says me I should stay in this, keep it simple and easy – emotionless. But another part says I should go back to the me that was feeling. I mean since I got the full load of rejection now. Since everything is done and nothing to work for. Why should I be a likely person, why should I be a good friend? I should cry some more. Go back to where it hurts. I guess then I could understand. I turn in circles since the last two hundred words. I felt really good the last days. Being the one that understands, being the one she understands. Being a good friend even with something still around that she doesn’t like to call love. But now? I apologize if the following message will be a kind of direct, but I can’t hide you here. I’m one my own.

Read this and see how you made me to a piece of stone. It’s not even pretty, it’s not even long. Not intense and overwhelming.

“Well, things went out different. I guess you’re right this would be a too strange situation. [0%] just called, she doesn’t want to move together. She changed her mind, made her decision. She sounded different, almost unfriendly. Don’t know, I really don’t know what happened. Why I deserve this. I think she blocked her Facebook profile as well so that I can’t see what she’s doing. That’s even more strange. I’m getting all confused now. Somehow I feel that I made something wrong. I see bad things building up around me. It’s almost supernatural. If I’m right I’m almost tempted to leave Toronto. Maybe next month, maybe at the end of next week… Now it’s hell, now I’m back where I was long long time ago. Didn’t even remember how it was, did not even think that this feelings are still here…
I tried since a while to find the right words for my general feeling. I think I just found them. I’m going to blog some of the stuff I just wrote…
Sorry that I keep pulling you into this… I feel like a rock, more like a slate…”

This will be the last for a while. I’m going to fast this weekend if I don’t feel too bad in the first hours. I have the next days off, so this would actually be fine. I know I could understand it, actually I do but somehow I don’t have the power to build on this. I don’t have the reason. You took everything.

I read a book right now. It’s actually a very stupid book, at least I don’t like the people’s ways in there. They all might find out that they will miss something in life one day. It’s call ‘The Game’, a book about pick up artists. As I saw the book first I just read the words secret and artists and was excited to read something about special people related to art. I never saw a book like this before. Maybe if it would be the book I thought it will be I would be a different person now. All the people who saw me with the book as I ask about it were reacting strange then I read again and realized what the words ‘pick up’ meant. OK, I still decided to read it. I liked the author because he wrote the Manson book I just finished. He’s telling more or less his story in this book as he was exploring the pick up artist scene. It’s good written but this people are just lost in unreal things. But I have to admit there were a few things that made even sense for me. Things that could be in a book dedicated to the one who really love. I remember reading how to react when she says no. Well, I just wrote about it once but I never followed what was said. Number two was something I just felt that this is maybe right and the only way to do. You have to risk loosing her when you really want to show her how you feel. Even if you feel bad. I did this a few times, can almost say many times and well, now – I just lost her. The other thing was meant to be the misogynic way to finally do the last step. I wished I would had read this part just one day earlier and it might have changed my life. Under all this worthless comments there was one description I liked. One thing that was missing in me, one thing that a father person, a best friend, someone else should have told me long time ago. It’s about how to really kiss a girl. How to overcome the inner fear. How to just let go. When I read it now it doesn’t even sound so good as I read it first time. It might be because I don’t have that night in my head anymore. It’s about how you just stop talking, how you just look in each others eyes and how you overcome the last few inches that represent everything, from love, fear, you whole life, her and anything else. When you really feel, this are the hardest inches a man has to go trough.

I don’t feel like being a friend anymore. That night was the best that happened for both of us. I was happy I could tell you everything I wanted. I was happy not to remain mute. It meant a lot to me that I was able to talk to you. It was something different. Something was in the air, I agree. We had something. I know you like to fight this but I just don’t care. I tried to handle this as an adult but I’m probably to young. I got even more disliked as an adult as anytime before. So I know where I belong to. I know where I have to go trough. I wish I had the right friends right now who could give me the right advice. But even my loved best friend back home might not be able to help me here. He’s going trough something else right now and I just wish he finds a way and keeps on going. So that’s what I wish for me as well. I came flying, one day my wings got burned and I was falling, hoping the one girl, the one who just got wings would help me up - but we missed. Crashed together, she hold me for a second before she pushed me away. Now here I am, I gave up everything in the last month. Myself, my writing, even feeling and loving, some of my music, my color, finally her, just to see she’s giving me the rest. Just let me go now. Let me feel, let me get some of the feelings back I lost. I prefer to suffer as I should have done it the whole time. It’s not meant to be any different.

Give me the time I need. The time I need right now.

It is me. Marco Boerner

It’s Sunday Morning and I need to go working in about an hour.

People ask me to write more WTC and less philosophical – deep, stuff. Sure I think I will as soon as I feel like doing it. Right now, I had a very interesting time. Deep thoughts, I felt a bit melancholic, almost dark-red romantic but also from time to time a bit demotivated. I would like to write about life hidden in my cooking adventures but somehow I never experienced the power of the question more then now. The question of course is – What to cook? I don’t know right now. Somehow I feel I found a person that gives me inspiration. I appreciate this. Thanks life for giving me this. But when it is about what to cook, can she help me out of here? I’m done with all this pan fried steaks, fish, turkey, butterflies. I’m done with potatoes, doesn’t matter if the normal, the French or the little one. I’m done with tomatoes and finished with rice. So it’s a serious question. It’s a serious thought. I need to see what’s out there on the tables. I need to know what I can do – and I know I can do more then I’ve done. So please help me out and lead me to the answer to the question you always talking about – What to cook?

Besides that. Yesterday, and the night from Friday to Sunday was the time of pain. I woke up in the middle of the night and had the devil of a toothache. I couldn’t sleep anymore I was pressing my pillow against my mouth to stop it, I went from bed to couch from couch to bed but it didn’t stop. I almost went to the Hospital but after hours I slept in from exhaustion. Saturday morning I went to see a dentist. In the beginning it wasn’t that painful, I liked watching TV in the dentist chair while I was waiting for the examination but then as they really started it was pain again. They had to pull the nerves of the tooth that made me problems. It was like hell. In the background there was some kind of talk show about cats where people could call and they gave stupid answers about how to do this and that with a cat. Instead of helping me to forget the pain it made it worse. If I’m in an active pain like that I need to concentrate about it so I can handle it better. But with the stupid soft meaningless, just for seniors meaningful, voice of this talk show host I couldn’t fight against the pain. All the time the dentist had stopped producing pain in my mouth this talk show was calming me down and all my adrenalin went away in seconds, but adrenalin is the best painkiller humans have. So as soon as the dentist started again it was hurting like the first time. And it was even worse, the dentist started talking with her assistant about her cat and that she’s afraid of the noise from trucks on the street since she got hit by one. I couldn’t stand it. If I did anything wrong in the last time, if I maybe ask God and the Devil, can I see how heaven and hell looks like before I decide who gets my soul. This was the outlook I needed. This was hell. Now I’m looking forward to see heaven! I was bending and shaking for pain. But finally even the dentist decided that this show isn’t the right background so they changed the channel and I got now together with another injection the full attention I deserve because I was the patient! After that I got painkillers and even more painkillers. I felt like on drugs all day and had also a very good sleep.

Now I have to make myself ready for work. Right now I work around six days a week, that makes around 45 hours. That’s good, I need this right now to get my head clear and some different thoughts. Sometimes I felt like I was walking the same path again and again and I don’t like walking circles. It’s actually part of my being, my quest to leave the circle again and again so I can go to different places while I’m walking up and down my golden spiral. 06

Have a good day you all and if you don’t have to work – enjoy your remaining weekend and if you work, if you work at my place. See you there!

Marco

PS: Probably there will be an update of this post this afternoon. I just want to give a visual element for my creative motivator, my muse, my Greek Deity.

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Part two. Sunday early evening.

About the joker’s faces and living with my Greek Deity in a perfect circle.

Sometimes I’m afraid things will end up all the same. That some things I have to experience again and again. It seems that I never learn to stop playing with the fire. Yes I had some trouble and it was actually not really a new theory. So you were right with that. You were right as you said it seems to be the same, it seems to happen again. You doubt it – I was sure. It’s worthless even trying, right now I prefer to give up. I said I take things easy if it works and I’ll be gone as quick as possible if not. Well, I still stayed quiet long with this one. But now, I think it’s time again to move on. Even if this time I don’t feel like doing it. It seems that I loose to much this time. I feel I’m in an almost perfect circle, but not the kind of circle that keeps me from going on, more this kind of perfect surrounding. Things are pretty good and I feel energy everywhere. Things are going forward and I think this time things can get even better, everything can be close to perfect. Maybe I shouldn’t give up. Maybe I should fight. Maybe I should show what it means to be. Maybe I should be . . .

Live can give us difficult situations to deal with from time to time. Life brings us sometimes together. All of us. Life brings us things you don’t even know if it means anything in the future. Sometimes you’ll get empty persons and still get to like them but you let them go quiet fast but sometimes life brings you persons, individuals that are part of you. Because you just know and see and feel it. You see it in you and you see it in them. I just hope we’ll understand what to do with this situations. I hope we don’t waste because we think we know. The got the lines of the following piece of writing together as I walked home today. It actually integrates a lot of thoughts, worries and feelings. A lot of things I experienced in the past and I feel right now came in to it. So it’s mixed up and is not there to describe one specific situation it’s more here to give hints in different meanings. It’s part of me and part of the ones supposed to understand. We all live in secrets but we all know how to talk. The following is my secret my lie I live everyday to remain me. To keep what I am. We all wear our mask and we might all be masters in it. So is the joker – but at least he’s showing us his mask. We keep even hiding this. Here is my lie:

- THE JOKER -

*

The joker knows

how many faces he shows

It’s the jokers art of lying

the little things that make my mind crying

my soul seems dying

I sit here alone

8

Captured once

forgotten forever

No soul to give

no soul to get

8

I need to stand up

against the valueless being

I’ll show him the mirror

I’ll show him his face

The mirror is empty

his self even less

*

Thank to my inspiration to give my thoughts a face – thank you for providing me with this marvelous photography, with this marvelous image. Now I met the joker – I saw his face . . but where is the thief?

Have a nice remaining Sunday.

Marco