*
DAY ONE
- MEETING THE PAIN AND CRAZINESS -
*
SATURDAY MORNING – 09:03AM
It’s Saturday morning. I couldn’t sleep long. It was about 8:45am as I woke up. I’m already weak and powerless. But the night felt good. It was a very balanced sleep and no laying around as I woke up. Last time I was eating was yesterday around 2pm. I expect to clean myself a little today and tomorrow.
About her, I follow what she’s saying and writing. I can’t really understand. I seems in the same post she uses unclear words like ‘him’ for me and someone else. Just separated trough a few sentences. I wish my Chinese translation skills would be better, so I would know if I read this right. Anyway. It’s probably worthless anyway. But what I feel is that she’s angry at me, that she fights me and all my words and thoughts. She doesn’t want to listen is afraid my words make her change. My words don’t change anything, it’s just me! I haven’t give a reason to fight me, there is no reason to show where love is. I think I understand this. If you feel like to cling on something, to push something – I don’t care. I mean yes I do care and still - it hurts and takes a lot not to feel – but that’s the way.
Just think about. What’s wrong? What are you mad at, why do you keep fighting? Why do you have to push some things that are going on? I see how everything changed, you writing, your reaction since – unfortunately that night. You said you wanted to help as good as you can. Be there for me as a friend… Well, it seems you prefer to hurt, you want me to pay back for my self. Payback for things that aren’t supposed to feel like that. Well I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not my responsibility what you feel, . . . what you love, hate, miss or just lost. If you would just understand a bit more, if you would just be a bit easier, not so complicated and fixed to something that doesn’t do anything good for you. Thing could be so easy – special. Not we have to go through all this again.
I feel actually quiet good just my body is shaking a little because of all this thoughts. I even started building my new website. It’s a nice design. I had the draft already drawn before I had the one right now. I almost didn’t want to do it but still I feel it’s time. I might work on this toady to keep myself focused on something else. I might go for a walk if all power is gone. I’m looking forward to see you, even just for a bit. Just to loose a bit this monotone feeling I get here from the internet. Screen addicted I guess. If you prefer to meet earlier, would be fine with me. Just give me a call but not to late.
I’ll write more later on toady.
Bye now.
SATURDAY NOON - 12:12PM
In love - for a friend.
Hello Lucy!!
It’s a long long time ago since I wrote you, since our ways went apart. Right now I think it’s a good time to write you. Maybe coincidence or just curiosity what I’m doing brings you back here from time to time. It’s a good time now because things happened as you can see. It’s a good time now because I do my first fasting as I said I would. Even if it isn’t as long as it should. For this is just no time but it’s enough to get an idea. I miss your letters and could need them now. I remember that last one, the one that was supposed to be the first one – the one for today. I remember most of the words, I remember the story you told me about the dark alley. I loved this story, it was so much more. I would like to read it now but somehow I lost a few of you letters and this was one of them. But letters doesn’t matter as long as I still think about you from time to time. I will remember you as the angel who changed my life and was part of me for so long. I remember as the Virgen de la Luz was watching over our heads. The time we had in between was good and necessary. We both knew this, we both knew what was going one. In this case, even if we might have lied. We understood.
I’m looking forward to see you one day when my journey is finished. At least my travels, I guess my journey is never ending. And that is good! I know all this here will shake me a bit more and when I’m close to home I might need some time. I’s just amazing how much happened since I left and I just can imagine the amount that will come. There is almost no time to see through all this. Raw moments of enlightenment show me how far I already went and deep inside I’m already feeling that I’m grown to more then just the person who left a few years ago. It seems I’m more and more my own words, my dreams and my own story. It’s not just simple words anymore. I feel it’s me, I’m so close to myself. I accomplished to finally find what was always there. I wasn’t lying as I said who I am and who I want to be. I never was because now I think I can see. I can see myself in the mirror and start to recognize, almost start to love. I feel a strong heart, a strong brain and mouth and eyes who can show that this is really me. I just imagine how I could feel with my hands and body.
I still dream from the mountains near you. I still need to go. At the end of my journey it will be the right time. It will be lonely but I won’t feel lonely because I will have me and all my thoughts and memories I need to write down. One day I will come down. I guess it takes me a winter and the spring will welcome me as being free. It will be the end of my travel and since the mountains won’t be far you might be the first who can read it. I owe you this. That’s what I know. I hope you will be there.
I wish you something. Be happy and lucky because thats the Lu I met!
My Lucy Lu!
Your Marco
…your Mr. Marco B : ) I probably can’t wait until you’ll find it by chance…
[Lucy I just found this letter - you wrote it so much earlier then I thought!! I'm going to read it right now!!]
SATURDAY EARLY AFTERNOON – 2:04PM
Back from the shower, cleaned from the dirt and smell of last night. It’s time to get out of here. I need something else to see. Sun would be a beginning. I just hope it isn’t too exhausting. I feel powerless from time to time and need to lay down, to rest for a few minutes before I can go on. I have a little headache but I think it’s because of this room here. I liked it so much in the beginning, now I feel stuck in this windowless surrounding. I need light and air! Well let’s see how the city treats me. Let’s see how this day can be my friend.
See you later I guess.
SATURDAY AFTERNOON – 4:55PM
In the city…
As I left the house I felt weak, not strong and unsure how to handle the day. But some moments where I could show, I can be strong changed everything. I heard music different then ever before. Normally short melodies were extended to long, I was listening what the music had to say and it went direct into me. I became stronger…
Now music is faster, louder. Cuban melodies play my imagination, my fantasy. My memories as I was unbound, stranger on a long undefined road of daylie adventures came back. I’m finally home. People dancing around me. Oh my god, I am dancing – what is happen?? What is going wrong – what is going right?? Sweet music take me away!
The meeting with her was short and friendly. I didn’t want any more. I guess it was supposed to be like that. But it doesn’t matter now. Now I’m here. The sun is hot and heating up my skin. I get burned right now. I love it! Music take me away!
Cuba I never been there but I know it is a place to go. Far away from the tourist beaches, that’s where I will find! That’s where this music really comes from. Many times walked ways but never seen places…
I wish we could share this. I wish you were here and would experience the same! I never had the chance to share feelings like this. This is new for me, less then two years old. I wish we were closer.
I wish we could share the same melody, play the same song.
We should dance! Did you ever dance?
‘De Alto Cedro voy para Marcan
Llego a Cueto, voy para Mayar
El cario que te tengo
No te lo puedo negar
Se me sale la babita
Yo no lo puedo evitar
Cuando Juanica y Chan Chan
En el mar cernan arena
Como sacuda el jibe
A Chan Chan le daba pena
Limpia el camino de paja
Que yo me quiero sentar
En aqul tronco que veo
Y as no puedo llegar
De alto Cedro voy para Marcan
Lleg a Cueto voy para Mayar’
The band is playing a mix between Cuban music and some classic rock.
‘Back magic woman’ with a salsa twist sounds funny to me…
I need to go. But before I will have a look at the souvenirs.
. . .
I just came back…
Well now. Now I got a real issue. I just got the news that the guy who is renting me the room just signed with other people. That means he’s moving out here at the end of this month. That’s what I have to do now as well. So, well, I will be sitting on the street. What kind of faith is this? I just think about, I hope I can get a reservation at the hostel I was staying in the beginning. But I hate this place, this will bring me so far down. I just started to be really productive and so. Now sharing the room with up to nine other guys for a too expensive price. Waste of money, waste of time. What should I do with all my stuff. [Well, but this won't be a problem since I just found out almost every hostel is is for most of the days booked out!!!] Damn! Is there someone else out there looking for a roommate??? Well living with her would be perfect now since the guy is giving most of his furniture away… It never fits. If the one thing is solved the other makes trouble. Damn. This city is pushing me out of here. Damn, what to do? [Now I'm really thinking what to should, can do! Can't believe now that she changed her mind in the last second after everything was so clear and looking good. Head shaking...]
. . .
Chan Chan…
It’s my world… I just feel it
SATURDAY EVENING - 7:30PM
Hello Tony.
It’s probably unexpected that I write you this way and maybe strange too. But it’s a strange time anyway – not just since a few month. I guess we all could call this a strange time. I said I will write you or stop by and tell you how things are going. I choose this way because I just want her and others to see my concerns right now. It’s important to me. OK, so far… I didn’t get anything related to photography as I wanted in the beginning, not even a job in a camera store. I don’t even think I want to work in a camera store. Actually, no - I don’t want. But I didn’t give up. I gave Toronto a chance. I started washing dishes on a weekend, then packing muffins in a factory outside of the city, and then almost two more month as a dishwasher again. At least the money was good, but the work and hours terrible. Even if I almost needed it, 60 to 70 hours a week seems hard but can be a relief. I call it experience, experience I don’t want to repeat right now. Well but finally since I’m still educated in IT I got a job as technician at Staples. It’s OK, at least I can use my brain, the people are good and I had enough free time to work on my own. I found some very creative people I could share some of my interests. Since a few month then things really got better. I got a kind of life, a kind of life I wished. I started writing again, finished a new website and was working on all kind of stuff. I read books and stuff and finally I had the chance to start with photography again. I’m running around with an old Leika 35mm SLR with a lens that has issues with the aperture, so that I have to shoot everything with F16… But still, I enjoy it because this makes me really think about the results. From time to time I pass your place and I like the pictures you made. I wish I could express myself, me feelings, my hope, wishes and - my ego trough pictures more. Everything that my pictures would show is done and doesn’t need to be a part of me anymore. But I’m working on it. Right now I’m into writing. I guess it’s the best way to express myself right now but it’s sometimes difficult.
I remember as I came to Canada, with big expectations and finally I had to lower down a bit. Keep it real I guess. As we met I was a kind of impressed by your appearance. To be honest I was disappointed not to learn from you. I’m not just talking about photography. There are many photographers out there. I saw something different. I guess it’s my search for some kind of father person. Even if I don’t like to admit it. I wish from time to time that other people, people I can valuate highly could have a stronger influence on me. But I guess we’re all on our own when it comes to the important questions in life. After we met I was talking to some friends in the hostel I was living and told them I found a great person.
Strange, I just feel like talking about all this right now. I have a hard time because everything seems to fall apart. I decided not to eat over the weekend just to get my brain clear. I guess that’s part of it.
I was just thinking how would things be. Would it be different, would I be a better person, or let’s say would things be better if I had the chance to learn from you or strong people like you? I don’t know. Can’t tell for sure. Things never end up as we want it. They end up always different. There is never a big change in our life except if we fight for it, if we are willing to give up for it. Sometimes I still hope from time to time things will be different. It would be cool if you have time to drop a few lines, write me a message, you have my address or leave a not here if you want to.
Ich rufe von Zeit zu Zeit hinaus in die Stille und hoffe auf Antworten, Loesungen, vielleicht auch nur auf die richtigen Fragen. Es passiert selten das etwas kommt zurueck, wenn nicht nur das Echo.
Meine Gruesse,
Marco
SATURDAY LATE EVENING / NIGHT – 9:19PM
She couldn’t give me an answer. She just left.
It was such a long day. Can’t believe that all this happened today. It’s a endless story and this was just day one. Tonight it will be the end of something. Last week I told a friend this week, everything will be rebound, from shoes, over feelings and foot to people and especially me. Rebound cats, rebound pasta, rebound hope, rebound love, rebound me. A few people even got me to know as Marco Rebound Boerner. Haha. But now he just told me today, or was it yesterday? It isn’t allowed for me to be REBOUND for more then a week. So this night - midnight - I will be just Marco Boerner. I’m happy with this. At least I am. ; ) …I AM
Now it’s time for me to get out, I need a walk, some fresh air before I might try to sleep. I’m sure I will wake up earlier then today and the day will be harder. It will be an endless forth and back. I’m looking forward to some pasta, tomato sauce, maybe a steak with rice for tomorrow night, as soon as the sun went down.
I don’t know about all this, I just know it doesn’t matter what I do I still like her. Can’t even think about my living situation right now, can’t even think about anything else even if it would be important. Can just think about her. All day, all night. Take my love and give me a friend – be more! Why can’t it work like this? I still keep it quiet. I know, hard to believe. You saw someone great, someone special and I wanted you to get to know who is behind, how deep it can go. You met me now. I think I know you as well. I wished I could look behind your dark eyes. I wished I could see, could be part of what’s there. I would like it. But right now. Looking in your eyes would be enough. Just for a second, another glimpse. Another part of you, another part of what is mine.
Have a good night 0%
SATURDAY NIGHT – 10:37PM
From the bridge where I was going…
‘THE RIVER I STEP IN IS NOT THE RIVER I STAND IN’
I walked over this bridge looking for silence but stayed over the highway in the middle of the lanes. The cars went so fast, hundred of souls. I was watching the movement, looking into the lights. As I left I saw the river, better a dirty channel, the quiet railroad, a dark street with just a few cars, artificial green illuminated gardens surrounded by high fences. Also the bridge was busy. Streetcars made the ground quaking, more fast cars, people and me.
I’m so hungry now. I don’t think I can sleep.
Just on the other side of the bridge there was nothing, a big empty field and some green. I could hear the locusts and felt the silence over there. I would enjoy silence.
Helicopter, lights on the sky, everything is moving. I’m not part of this city – it drives me crazy! I wish you were my retreat. I need you as the person to go and let go. To take it easy, light and soft.
Back in the building everything smells good. I can smell the food from every door.
It’s silly that I still hope one day she might want to talk a bit more, about something more. And I wished she would knock on my door one day – since I knocked on hers for too long. She does not even know where I life. If you ever want to talk.. don’t even know the number, big building on St Lawrence Street and King - #108 . . It’s silly to write this but it’s a kind of faith thing I have in mind so long. I just needed to write this.
Have a good night again and if you really feel as I do now. I’m sorry again!
Marco – someone who needs you!
*
DAY TWO
- THE FINAL DAY -
*
SUNDAY MORNING – 9:50AM
I woke up 7:45 but stayed in bed until 9:15. Today I didn’t want to get up because I was afraid that things are like at the end of yesterday. I felt it was terrible. Except the feelings for her… First of all today, my internet wasn’t working, this was a shook but I could fix it. Some very nice mails where waiting for me and made the beginning of this new day much better.
I’m a bit worried this morning about my living situation. I need to make a plan. I hope I can find something not to far from work. Winter is coming and if I’m planing to stay I don’t want to walk for ages trough the snow. But it’s not easy to find something. Especially if you had already what you needed. I’m just not good at this. I can find you everything in the internet, from electronic, downloads, a good dentist, the cheapest flight etc. I’m actually pretty good in research – that’s what I did from time to time for my old employer in Germany, before the army… but I never had luck in finding longterm accommodations. I’ll look for hours and nothing shows up. I have a kind of bad luck with this. Unfortunately.
Let’s see how this day is going. I’m hungry and look forward for tonight.
See you soon!
Marco - not longer rebound.
SUNDAY NOON – 12:35PM
I go crazy with her! It seems we just follow some kind of pattern. Nothing is real anymore. We handle as we told to do, we handle as we saw it somewhere but nothing is true. And the bad thing is – we do remember the patterns but we don’t know how to go from the one to the next. Somehow this information is missing in our brain. We can’t even tell if anything will be the right thing. There is no proof because all this is made out of someones fantasy!
Now I’m threaten her. The best moment for me is the worst for her. It’s like to little points coming together in the universe, they came closer and closer, crossed each others way but we were to fast, wrong timing, the angel was wrong. So we couldn’t hold each other and make our ways to one strong line. We both went apart as fast as we were coming together. No turnaround now. Distance will grow and grow. Our ways, thoughts – everything more and more different. We missed the point and drift away, shoot away into the infinity.
What a bad end.
…I just wanted to know the truth but from everywhere things show up and tell a different story.
SUNDAY EARLY AFTERNOON - 1:11PM
You know, long long time ago there was a girl and she took me one thing. She took me the believe in messages. I can’t believe in the untold hidden things anymore. Since then there was just one way, I became the messenger. To still keep believing in this I had to write. Everything I wrote has it’s message because that way I know it isn’t just imagination. I see the messages because I write them. But since I lost this believe I won’t see what other trying to say in between the lines. I’m fighting for the clear truth against every feeling that shows different things, because the things between made me crazy ones, even if I still try to find. I’m not open for anything else and I’m not sure if this will ever heal. I’m going to write my messages but it will take a lot to ‘talk’ to me. It seems I lost one of the most exciting, most hidden parts of interhuman communication. At the cost of very valuable persons, friends, . ..
SUNDAY EARLY EVENING - 6:55PM
She was looking good today! Fresh and pretty like newborn.
I just came from the city. Had an exhausting walk to downtown behind me. I felt really powerless this time. I was a kind of nervous. I was thinking I hope my condition doesn’t screw anything but I also thought if I can make it like that I can achieve much more. So and I think things went out good. It seems, call it faith or not.. Can’t talk about believing right now. But I just payed first and last for the my new room in Chinatown, close to the Kensington area where I wanted to be. Close to things I like.
I’m close to happy now!
Can’t believe all that what happened so far. It’s been around 53 hours without food, it’s been around one week since the one night, it’s been around a month since it came stronger, it was more then two month ago since I realized you and since got you to know, it’s around four month ago since I saw you first, for seven month I came to Canada, eight month ago I left the boat, over a year ago I left Africa, before that I left Europe and it was in August 2006 as I left Germany to experience something completely new and different.
…A few hours left before I can eat. I’m looking forward to this special “What to cook” because I already know. I smelled every little source of food on my way back home, I’m so excited how it will taste! It should be great! I don’t even cook something special, just something easy and good!
So things went out OK - finally. Thanks to some good friends, thanks for all the mails. Thanks that others could believe as I was struggling!
They are going to break a window in my new room! It was windowless but I will get some light and green in front of my new place!
As I went back everything felt good, light and easy. A baby was looking at me and smiling. I could understand in this moment and would take the life as easy as this little human can do. If you feel good, just don’t think – feel good. I followed the baby’s eyes and was looking at the sky. A beautiful blue sky with little white clouds. It’s so long and it felt so good.
I just enjoy this feeling for now.
And you.
. . .
Thank you!
SATURDAY NIGHT – 9:12PM
It is done now!
It was exactly 9PM as I finished with my dinner. Wow, I feel different now. It was good. I feel like sleeping and going to bed. I eat so much, almost too much. I just found out I guess I was a bit blind as I started cooking. My roommate offered me some food because he cooked for all but I was so eager to get enough food that I said no. I made pasta and tomato sauce, over this I put three slices of cheese and I can’t believe it myself, over this three eggs over easy. I mean I have to say everything went out great but I felt already guilty while I was eating it. (I almost think it was against faith. I’m afraid to ask if it could show me that is was OK and exactly the right thing to do…) But still I was so hungry. I just forget about the dinner and feel good now. I feel good. Let’s see how my body will take it. What he had to offer, by the way. It sounds now perfect to me. He had about seven of this little gourmet potatoes left, one slice of fish and a whole pot with mixed salad. Good salad, looking very fresh and crunchy. It might have been the better meal. But that’s done. I guess I’m going for a walk, maybe take a streetcar downtown and come direct back. In the next time. I will eat healthy. This experience showed me this. It’s the better way of life. So far, amazing weekend. It was endless long and it’s still not over.
SUNDAY BEFORE MIDNIGHT – 11:50PM
I walked again the long way along the streets of the town. Just to meet your number. I had again in mind where my window will be. I didn’t want to knock on your door this time, didn’t want to call. I was just the messenger and it wasn’t just a dream. I was really there. Not noticed by you like the other day before we met in the park, but this time I came alone.
On my way back I went the way pass the park. First I wanted to walk trough it again but then I decided just to pass, just to have a look. But as I saw this place it seemed to be magic. I saw the bench where we were talking under the warm yellow light. I just had to go in. Now I sit here at the same place, get bitten by mosquitoes again. I did not even notice that last time until the next day. It’s a mystic place, so powerful and romantic. I don’t think about the past. I just imagine you were here. But the place is empty, just the green bench reflects the yellow light and makes a glowing spot where you were sitting that night. I don’t even remember that light was there before, not as bright as today.
Yes you gave me something that day. You don’t need to feel bad about it, not angry nor sad. You really gave me a souvenir. You don’t need to be angry because I asked you. I need to be thankful because you gave. That makes you a good person, instead of me. There is no reason to be awake. You have the right to sleep because even if you doubt it you heart is on the right spot. Thank you my girl!
SUNDAY - MIDNIGHT
Sit me on a park bench by midnight and moonshine and I will be a romantic!
I like the noise that silence makes
Pasta, cheese and the eggs. Actually it was the right decision! Man that was just good! As a man I need this food.
I like this energy now. Making step by step and no need to worry about.
My conclusion for the weekend – WOW!
Tomorrow I will get me one of these super tasty $8 chicken sandwiches from the coffee shops. Yummy!!
The radio plays:
“I’m still alive
Hey I, I, I, I’m still alive, yeah”
Keeping balance while dancing over the stones in front of my place. No problem!
“I, oh, I’m still alive
Hey I, oh, I’m still alive
Hey I, but, I’m still alive”
Now the day is over, the day is done. Thanks again to who was with me that days!
Your Marco – reborn and flying around. It almost feels as I would get my wings back!
*
“Alive”
Son, she said, have I got a little story for you
What you thought was your daddy was nothin’ but a…
While you were sittin’ home alone at age thirteen
Your real daddy was dyin’, sorry you didn’t see him, but I’m glad we talked…
Oh I, oh, I’m still alive
Hey, I, I, oh, I’m still alive
Hey I, oh, I’m still alive
Hey…oh…
Oh, she walks slowly, across a young man’s room
She said I’m ready…for you
I can’t remember anything to this very day
‘Cept the look, the look…
Oh, you know where, now I can’t see, I just stare…
I, I’m still alive
Hey I, but, I’m still alive
Hey I, boy, I’m still alive
Hey I, I, I, I’m still alive, yeah
Ooh yeah…yeah yeah yeah…oh…oh…
Is something wrong, she said
Well of course there is
You’re still alive, she said
Oh, and do I deserve to be
Is that the question
And if so…if so…who answers…who answers…
I, oh, I’m still alive
Hey I, oh, I’m still alive
Hey I, but, I’m still alive
Yeah I, ooh, I’m still alive
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
*
*
- THIS IS THE END . . . MY ONLY FRIEND … -
THE END
*
