Freiraum | Open Space

It’s no movie, no silly song, it has a much deeper impact - almost like reality! I’m even scared to show it here, but once in a while you have to risk, once in a while you have to sacrifice for the sake of … !

Spring ‘09

*

Once there was a time as I loved you.

Today I am sad.

Empty is the space where you once sat reading your books,

listening to music,

my voice while I was talking to you.

It didn’t work out, nothing did.

This world, this city in particular - just chaos. Squares of tension, no curves of serenity.

I feel sorry - at the end there was just giving up.

I can still feel this hands reaching out, fading away in it’s own dark.

It is over, ‘is so quiet now.

No question about what’s been done.

Just a starring at the result.

A unmovable feeling, a feeling becomes reality, a permanent state of mind.

Rather cold and numb then vivid alive.

What is done is been done.

And we never talked about.

*

Rock ‘n’ Roll!

I apologize already now. I said I will let go, I said I’ll let you go, let you loose. Sure I keep talking, writing, loving, feeling for/about you. But I feel already it makes me sick, makes me angry. I don’t feel hate but you might experience it. I apologize now while I just can. I might get unfair and rude. I’m angry already. It’s about time! Can’t handle your two-face of lying anymore! It makes me sick, it’s pulling me down. This love gives me nothing then pain! I hate you from the day on you started to lie to me. I’m not the person who should apologize. It’s you! But of course you won’t feel the need for it because you don’t need me, you never lost anything, neither love, neither a friend. You screw around with things people give to you so easily. Why don’t you say it loud what you said once to me? You hate people! You should be alone. You should appreciate what you got. Wake up and realize the shards of your broken mirror! Damn I gave you so much, I promised you, I was willing to step back just to please you. You were lying to me as long as you needed me. Don’t lie about being a friend. Maybe you tried but you’re just not able to. You were fast finding a replacement for the only need you had for me. And by the way, you should start asking him some questions. You might encounter something soon. I know what I see when I look in peoples eyes and how they react. So just asked him from time to time what he might feel. You will be surprised. So what did you get? A freaking driver who’s finally feeling the same.

I don’t know what’s wrong with you. I see you sometimes and just realize how immature you are. Agreed I’m the same, but I wasn’t before I met you.

You know when I see you I don’t know what I see anymore. Sometimes it feels good and warm, I feel I could hold you so close, just hold you in my arms. Sometimes I’m going to explode. I see the whole you, might people keep saying I don’t know you – trust me. I do know you. I know your faces, I know the truth. I know what you’re able to. I have a perfect picture of you. There are some lovely parts, some very arrogant, some childish, some provocative, some deep, some blue, some you don’t even want to talk about, some you pretend not to know. Meeting this parts would be something like laughing loud out about what you just said and attaching a laud “I knew it, you’re so crazy… let’s…” I would enjoy this excitement of getting all this parts to know. I know they are there, I can see it, I can feel it. This would be amazing, crazy, overwhelming, something you shake your head about, something you think your whole life. Oh girl we could have let this grow. … The others? Sure pretending to know you might be a show just to keep control. But who are the once that want/need this control – for what for?? I don’t care. As much as I respect my friends and yours as well. If they really wanna know…? haha

I know you’re whole being, I love it, I see mine. I know the parts that make you think, I know about what you do. I can see it and it looks like chaos but it’s a beautiful order why you do!

It’s so sad to see your decisions that make your life. Waste of time, waste of energy. I see who you could be and I know it would make you happy. You would start to love life, to love people. I know it but you decide another way. How many times do you have to control yourself to be some kind of puppet in the game?? The game made by the once who don’t play under the rules. I hope one day your favorite mask, your favorite lie would decide to die and show me the truth. I would love you baby! I could show you the truth. Just stop one day to be afraid, just climb on a ladder and look around. See that giving up this lie wouldn’t hurt a bit. It’s a release! One day you should walk tall and let people know you can. Don’t hide, don’t sneak around. See the one thing that could free your life. Damn. I do love you. We could have so much fun. Yes I decided to let you go. Well I do. It’s up to you.

Do you remember – do you remember talking once about to fly? You should think about this twice. You got the wings. See what you can do.

My love, good bye Winnie.

Your Marco

“Sitting here in this cinema at the exact same spot where we both once sat, it’s a special moment, I feel it’s a changing point. I have a little headache, my stomach is not that right. But waiting here for the movie to start, sitting in the almost empty room lets me see very clear. There is just very low music coming from behind the curtain, and a emotionless, routinized couple is whispering from behind, like the people in the doctors waiting room. It’s all about pain, heart and the brain.

Maybe it was last week, maybe my feeling was right. The suggestions to wait were wrong, last week was the closest point. After we missed it once, we really somehow made it again so close. But it wasn’t close enough, we missed this second chance.

Over a month now. The moon is getting small again. The air in the park, that surrounded us once so warm in this soft light is getting cold. Soon the trees will loose their leafs and no one wants to sit there anymore. It will be winter.

I’m supposed to be here. I saw all the signs, might it be destiny. I saw this destiny everywhere. The curtain falls, the light from the screen casts a quivering shadow on my notebook.

The movie starts.”

. . .

“I was thinking about it for at least a second, I wanted at least to leave the chance. But actually I wasn’t surprised, or even really expected you to come. It would actually mean more - something then anything else.”

After seeing it. Now I’m afraid. I feel fear as I never felt before. It’s hard and cold outside. Fear is all in myself. I see a girl screaming at a guy who seems to follow her. I wanted to go help her, help her blind. Of course I stopped walking and went to her. But what could I do anyway? It wouldn’t matter, finally she was safe. I think she wasn’t right, he was just some random guy passing her way. I continued walking ‘home’, the friends place. I had to find out who I am. Today I had to decide about my future, even if this decisions doesn’t matter now it showed me something. Right for now, if I had to decide what to do. Would I prefer it to keep it simple and light or intense and maybe overwhelming and crazy? I would choose for the harder way. I’m here for experience, I don’t talk about Canada. I AM HERE! I need to learn, bringing me into trouble, if I want it or not, finally helps me out. I welcome the unusual with open arms, welcome the pain, the suffer, the unexpected, the love, fear and every tear, especially the tear. If you would know what it means for me to cry! Maybe it’s all wrong, maybe I should choose the easy way. Right now I feel I’m on the limit, couldn’t take any more. But sometimes I wish to get back some of the trouble just to not to loose. I’m not a person who likes to be empty. Life should be full, full with all kind of stuff, most important at least a little love. Oh girl, I can’t believe it, this journey, you, taught me so much about love. Love, different kinds of love and loving.

My girl. I just want you to know. I love you! …but it is time. I need to say good bye! Take care of your self and be safe! Don’t forget the good moments, the special moments, the personal, even intimate conversations. We had not much time but as we were talking there was – something - we had in common. I know this part where we are the same is most important in our life, even if we can’t always let this part lead our life. Sometimes we have to get out and think. So do you, so do I. Good bye my love, good bye Winnie W.

We had a great time, I will probably love you for a long time but need to let go, at least I have to try.

..

And also all the others,

thanks to friends, brother, sister and sister. You were all so nice! I learned about you, I was able to learn about myself. Now it’s time to realize. I need to go into myself and see the truth, need to feell reality. Thanks again to all of you!

Winnie I love you!

Marco

It’s a beautiful Saturday but I still can’t decide to leave the house. This weekend my love is so far away, but I can still feel her. What’s she doing? I might use this chance to write some random stuff, something that couldn’t find a place here. I know so much time passed and I was waiting, she was as well. I don’t know. It feels like everything is gone now. Can’t really believe that she will still look at me the way I’m used to it. Even if I never realized it until the last weekend. Or maybe I realized it but couldn’t figure it all out. A little hint from a friend made me think. Last week, I felt somehow we came really close. But now? Did we miss it? I couldn’t talk, couldn’t ask, she didn’t either. So am I right – was this it?

Some say I should wait, be patient, give time and don’t give up, some say I still have to apologize, some say it’s awkward and this has to go away, some say I should respect, leave her alone. Most of the people I was talking to don’t even know what I was talking about but some knew, I could see. Random questions because I can’t answer them myself anymore. That’s what I thought. But finally, I’m thankful for all what’s said but I can’t follow anything but me. I just have a feeling, maybe just need some little incitement to do the right thing. In this time of trouble, in the middle of all this thoughts from everywhere it seems I found something strong, something that feels right. It’s hard to explain. It’s easy to feel. I know she was watching me, I know she was reading and I know how it could be now or soon. Don’t even know if this still has any meaning for her. Why was she reading, coming back and thinking? Was she looking for something, something that never came? Now it’s getting less intense, maybe boring and the repeating of the same again and again. It’s loosing it’s value. But I still feel the same! It’s not longer pain, it doesn’t hurt. You just see and think ‘aha’. So many times I was afraid to feel this emptiness myself. I was afraid to find myself in nonsense. No sense at all. But for me, doesn’t matter what she’s doing, somethings still hurt, even if it doesn’t mean anything, it’s even worse. Talking about the flies and it still hurts. When comes the part when I say ‘I just don’t want to know anymore?’ So far nothing helped. Do I actually want to get out? I walked not without a reason into this labyrinth, and it had a reason that I never walked out. I experienced so much, including the greatest thing, called love. But also lots of other stuff. So many pieces.

It really feels so empty right now. To know that she’s not around is hard. Can’t explain. I feel OK and actually very light, I could jump trough the streets but somehow in my imagination there is a little thing missing, the little thing that makes my jumps high and long. It’s seems I’m glued to the ground and just walk around. So I might just do my stuff, go to the movie tonight and imagine you with me, imagine you coming back the next day, so that we can at least share the same town. At least for a while.

Now, some random thoughts. Things I was thinking about, things I wrote down.

First of all, the safety pin I’m wearing tight around my neck at least three to four times a week, depends where I am, depends who is around. For me it has a reason, the whole story about is a secret – might be a mystery - and means something to me. How I got to it, why I’m wearing it, who’s involved, what it means shall remain a secret for know. People can think. But I would like to share my experience since I’m wearing it. I got a lot of comments about it and people kept asking questions - what is it about? In the beginning I could sneak around the answer, didn’t want to tell, didn’t know what to say. Well, one day Shawn, one of my managers came into my little windowless office, or was it the windowless lunchroom? Don’t remember. He had something in mind and was walking a bit strange. Then he told me… he had to leave the sales floor quickly (I call it dance floor and still hope one day we get a little disco ball) because his zipper was wide open… This was the moment as I knew the answer, that’s how knowledge came/comes to me… I said immediately and proud, ‘Hey you see! That’s why I wear this safety pin!! In case my zipper doesn’t hold anymore!!” Hahaha, what a story when I think about. Since this moment I say it all the time, so many asked and all where laughing and happy about the answer, no one really asked again about the real reason. I was free. The thing is, of course it isn’t the reason, not really, but the more I think about… lol. It might be part of it too.

Now I’m going to tell you another story. I expected to embarrass myself one day and I almost did but I could safe me in the last minute, sneak around. I wanted to look good for her - just for her! So, I liked myself in new jeans, I guess this still was OK. I liked to see me in my new jeans. As I bought them I thought I might go out, but no – I decided I don’t want to. At work, many might know we collect money for this kind of Special Olympics thing and when you give $5 you can come three days in jeans or so. Well I thought already a few weeks ago, I might want to do this and payed for it. I was already just thinking about her. To be honest - that’s what you do when you l… l.. l. like someone. Everyone should know. So, two days were great, I felt quiet good, in the beginning a bit strange. I expected attention from her. I guess I got at least some. OK, but more then two days jeans wouldn’t be good. I had this idea, I just got my nice dress pants from the dry cleaner and never wear my new dress shirt. Well, why not? I was in a hurry in the morning, got everything together and left for work. It felt already too strange, something was wrong, I lost so much weight, my pants were now too loose and the belt not tight enough, everything was hanging deep down, my shirt was looking to large with my cloth, my hair was doing all kind of shit, my boxer shorts were sitting too high and very tight around my little me, don’t know why this happened and now I started sweating, nothing fit right. I felt like a clown. What was I thinking?? How can I embarrass myself like this? What can I do? I know she would see my first when I come into the store. I know I have to wear this pants the whole day. I was thinking about sneaking into the tech room and fixing my belt with screwdriver and cutter knife. I just wished I wouldn’t have done this! I wished ‘please just ignore me, don’t look at me’ My ego was down. Please accept that I do stupid stuff. I felt so embarrassed already and was going crazy about this thought. What can I do to fix this. Short before I arrived I took some time and organized myself a little bit, just enough to pass her and go fast into the back of the store. As I came in I said in my thoughts to her ‘just don’t look, leave it, it was stupid and it’s already embarrassing enough for me’ I seemed almost that she knew and she didn’t look. Thank god! I passed behind her into the back. Here I could change most of my cloth except the pants. Somehow with my red shirt it wasn’t that bad, pants were sitting a bit more tight. But I still didn’t want to be in her sight for the next few hours. What was I thinking? The funny thing is, as I got changed I found out that my zipper and not just this, also the top button came loose. I had to laugh. ‘Today I might need my safety pin’ if it happens again. But it didn’t. The day was actually OK. Finally I was brave enough to risk something and delivered my message in form of an symbol. The message she maybe never got, it’s still there. Her door was just open and I had to put it in. Even if I break some rules. But sometimes you have to break them if you want to be heard. Yes, this was a strange day. The funny thing is, later as I left work everything was fitting better, now people asked me if I’m going on a date. I liked the idea that people would think this, I was thinking about her, but I said no. Some didn’t believe I guess. So yes, I went to work styled and dressed up like seeing the Phantom of the Opera at the Majestic in New York. All just because of her. Now, I can laugh about it. It’s such a silly love story. I remember once telling her about something that could have been a cheap Hollywood plot, she was laughing as I said it happened to me. That makes live and the movies much realer I guess. Well and now, I’m ‘writing’ my story again. It happens all exactly this way. Again: “It really happens!”

Things that follow me since a while. The keys, don’t know since when this is a important part of my life, but it’s coming back, it’s always here. Let me quote what I wrote a few days ago. One of the more boring days. It started with a short line.

“The once you ignore start to like you,

the once you adore send you away.”

another version:

“The once you ignore

start to adore.

The once you adore,

start to ignore”

Before I get to the keys. I was thinking about a few things, actually I wanted to write this since weeks. It’s about how man and woman handle the get together thing. Woman most likely judge and test their man before they even go into a relationship. That means man have to encounter a lot of stuff before they even get close to her. Well that’s how female wants to make proof if her future maybe partner is right or not. This might be a reason why woman can much easier choose to like guys in a good working relationship. Because it’s just the best proof for her. Well, but you never can look behind the doors. For man it’s the hardest time. It’s when we are forced to be more then 100%. But somehow many woman are very disappointed with their man after they started a serious relationship. Because man might call it pay back, but it’s actually something else. I think man can’t judge a women before a relationship. We just decide to like, to adore her. We don’t think ‘hey she’s seems to be too …’ whatever. No, we just love her the way she is. For now(?), we don’t even have the chance to think about her because she makes us think about our selfs all time. It seems to be the only major topic. Well, but as soon as this is over and she made her decision to go for him. Well, now the guy has some air and room to breath. Now it’s his job to find out if the woman is actually right for him. Now the woman has to encounter all this stuff that seems just not logic to her. How can he now question this relationship? I mean she just decided after this long fight that it will be good, that he’s the right one, so what is this now about? I guess female might be lucky if male can decide quick and doesn’t let her feel everything that she let him feel before. That’s the time when she claims that he’s not like before. Of course he isn’t, how can he? : P Anyway. It’s just a theory. There are exceptions, I still heard stories about people falling in love and having this kind of long ongoing love story. Walking together in parks, going to the cinema and that kind of stuff. I guess that’s why it just never fits. We might all be the same but the timing is just not right. : 0 So, girls out there! Don’t make it too hard for the guys – we all try our best! And all the guys out there! Don’t be too much an dick-head because she finally let you into her pants, I mean she finally decided for you!! : P

Now about the key. I wrote it direct after it happened, nothing special, just thought it’s a nice little metaphor but…

“Do you know this when you want to unlock a door but somehow you got the key wrong. You turn it all around until your wrist hurts. It’s just a little bit left and the door would open, you try your best but you can’t. The only thing you can do is let it loose and try again. It’s so much easier the second time”

…somethings else happened.

“Is it coincidence that a few moments later, as I was trapped in the thoughts of this door, the lock broke? [It really broke!] You could open it from the inside but the key wasn’t working anymore. That means as soon as everyone would be out, no one could go back in. The only thing we could do is use some tape to keep it open. Well now it’s unlocked, everyone can go in and out. I was asking to get a guard from the aisles in front of the door. Someone to watch my little windowless office… The broken door… mmh??”

Well, I don’t know. Was this coincidence? Was this a sign?

The stuff that’s going on is too strange. Sometimes I would like to keep this out, I would like to experience a ‘just normal’ love story. But it’s part of it. And now it’s a good time to bring it in.

I know there was more I wanted to talk about. But it’s lost now. It’s time to do some work anyway. I might add more later.

Bye for now.

Marco

PS: And actually I like it that way.

Some music from Alanis Morissette:

>> Ironic

>> You learn

>> Thank U

Some from the Stones (Quote: Q: you like the rolling stones? A: Yes I do. You just need to listen to the songs… It’s so much more then you hear in the radio… I like his arrogant appearance and the man who is really behind.”

>> Gimme Shelter

>> You Can’t Always Get What You Want

>> Wild Horses

I needed to give her what belongs to her since quiet a while. Something she should have. I don’t think she saw it, it made me sad. So many days before she can get it, so many days it has to wait alone. It made me so sad, it pushed me down like something more important happened, or didn’t happen. You may excuse my thoughts. Even worse is the thought she saw it, even worse is the idea she left it behind. How hard would it be. She should keep it, just for a while. Did she really overlook it?? My feelings, where are my feelings going? I feel love, I feel something similar to anger but it’s just something caused by this love. I go crazy about some ideas, go crazy seeing her with her new toy. Don’t let it be true… Is this crush for real? Who knows? I like the rare moments when we are in some way close. Very rare and just a glimpse. Not even something I could call real. I don’t know! Today came a moment, I felt things came too close, things became too strong and made me feel weak, made me feel bad. I was jumping in my mind and cut myself loose. Had to move on, move into chaos, chaos left by this love. I jumped to somewhere else and I felt it was right – at least for a while. Is this dangerous step the thing I should do? Last time as I had to forget someone I left my easy journey and went into the jungle, was hitchhiking in countries where you could still feel the war that was just over. I had to fight against the elements, against others, against myself. Had to clench my teeth to get trough. It was a few times so close, moments as I thought I’m going to die. Going to die - before this trip I had a few moments, moments of sickness, or even just from stuff I smoked etc. as I thought I might die. But it’s like love. It’s exactly like love. Before you really experienced love you’ll always second guess about it, you will think it might be it but it isn’t. It’s maybe close but no real ‘harm’. Well but as soon as you know… laying there in the middle of the jungle, just a little undeveloped village far away, no one around, almost midnight… I knew it – this was the moment. I am going to die! I thought how stupid and harmless where the moments of fever and palpitation I experienced before. I was so far from even get hurt, except my brain I guess. But there, I knew this was it. I can’t tell how did I know but I can tell how it was. You’re there, alone, in the beginning so afraid, then you get this knowledge, the knowledge, this is it! In this moment everything around drifts away. Normally you’re all worried about everything, your friends, your family and even your love. (Just the love I can’t confirm for sure.) Everything you could leave behind, leave unclear, untold… But in this moment it’s away, you know they all will be fine. It’s not important anymore. You’re there and much closer to something else. I panicked for the first few minutes. I couldn’t accept it, but then, the moment short before, I guess the moment as I was supposed to die. I calmed down. I was in peace, I could accept it – accept I will die. I was laying there, not longer fighting. I was ready. Didn’t cry. I let go. But somehow, I don’t know why something in me came back, a little strength. Somehow I(?) asked myself if I really want to die. And it was something strange that happened. I could think so logical and somehow I had the strength to answer and say – no! I don’t want to die! I was so sure about this and felt this was an important question. In this moment I lost awareness and fallen asleep. Next thing I remember was as I woke up next morning together with the first sunbeams. I was surprised and it felt so good. I felt good. My pain was gone, I could sense my legs, my body and skin again. I didn’t pee dark red, almost black blood anymore. Everything was fine and I wasn’t that weak anymore. I got appetite and could think about eating, even if I was out of food. Somehow I made it. Fuck, I remembered everything in this moment and knew, this was too close! It was a little decision at the end that kept me alive, brought me back. I never wrote about this in my blog, I just told a few people. So much happened in this last weeks of traveling Africa. Most of it is part of a story I’ll keep for me. No need to make my family and friends worry. (!!) But what I wanted to say, does it need to be this kind of experience again?? What can I do to revive?? Maybe I am alive, but just not fulfilled. Where is the love? I don’t want to be jealous. I want to be in love. I want her to be in love. I want her to feel the right thing. I want her to share with me, I want to share with her. Don’t leave it there, pick it up!

Have a good night you all.

Your Marco

Something you should read at night…

Everything that happened, it seems to me it’s such a long time ago. But now I found out, it’s not even a month since I told you. All this, and it’s not even a month since we didn’t talk. I can’t believe it. It’s such a long time. I miss you, I can’t do anything against. Being normal, being friend, just small talk. I would love to but there is so much. I can’t. I see how I feel and I see you. I see everything and much more and I know, because what I see, it’s just a part of myself. I see your reactions when you have to control, your reactions when you can let go. I see you and I see me. The only thing I don’t see are your thoughts. Maybe you look the same in you? I try to grab moments, some glimpses of love. When will it be over, when will it be right? There is so much that happened since then and I just want to share with you. All the people I met, all the friends I discovered. It’s so much I have to tell you, I know you could share. I would love to talk to you, would love to be relaxed and feel this kind of confidence of sitting together. Knowing and just talk. A few days ago, Saturday night. I had big plans but dropped them all, I was still hoping that something else would happen. Something my feeling tells me. But is it then really true? I was sitting alone in this place. It was raining, the light off, the rooms were empty. I was looking out of the window, watching the rain and the street. I love the sound of the rain. I love the feeling I have when it’s raining. I was in my thoughts, thinking about all kind of stuff. Then I tried to imagine you with me in this room, sitting on the other side of the couch, sharing the same warm light blanket. I tried to imagine the feel, but I couldn’t. It didn’t feel right. I can imagine everything with you, but not to share this real moment of being me, this moment of confidence together safe under this shelter. I didn’t know if this feeling was right. I just couldn’t relax, couldn’t trust. I had other people in my mind, quiet sitting there as friends and it was OK. But why not you? Why can’t I gain this trust? As I was sitting there I had no mask, wasn’t playing a game, I was just sitting as my self. I wish it would be you, getting home and taking the mask off, I wish it would be you sharing the real me. I don’t want to know you just as the Queen, I don’t like me to be the King at home. It has to be me.

It’s funny. First time here in this place I was alone in this room too, talking to a dear friend online. I had to think and was just looking at this room. All the lights were off again and I could see more then ever before. It was as I understood, it was as I saw, I felt it and it was true. I really do love you. It is really you. It was the same moment, the moment we can’t share. The moment when I see my love to you so clear, the moment when I can’t imagine you. There is love, true love waiting at this spot where you can’t be. What can I do? Is there anything to fill the gap?

Is there anything I could do?

Except going ahead and …… …!?

>> Listen to Colorblind by Counting Crows

Your Marco

*

Every love I give, is love that belongs to her

Every feeling I feel, is a feeling that I feel for her

Every time I breath, I breath because of her

I look in love, full emotions in peoples eyes

Can’t you see it deep inside?

It isn’t me

it’s her you see!

8

I’m watching the few things she says

the few things she writes

A little ‘hello’, once a short little smile

It made my heart fly – I could cry

for this little luck - a few seconds of love

*

I miss her smile. I wish she would give it to me more often. Seeing her sad, seeing her laying on her arms like me when she’s not watching makes me weak, makes me soft. If she would know what I still feel for her. It’s stronger then before. I miss her so badly.

*

I want to smell her skin

I want to feel her amazing hair

I want to get lost in her deep black eyes

I want to hold her close and never let go

I want to close my eyes and be with her

No sound, no talk, no writing

nothing then being just with her

Being together, being one

*

She doesn’t know how much I miss and how it feels. She doesn’t know that I was sitting there and started to cry. Did I make everything wrong? I have to apologize. I was pushing her. It wasn’t me but still it was. I was afraid of loosing her. Now I lost, more then I could imagine.

*

When did I ever cry?

When did I feel the last tear?

Is it the weather,

is it the time of the year?

*

I’m this strong guy going trough life but in still moments I fall into a chair, holding my heart and feel it’s overwhelming me. I wish I could cry more, could cry so long that I feel better afterward. But I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!

*

I leave my past behind

forget everything before because there is nothing

Everything is here now

I’m here and if I should ever say it again then now

Call it lie, blind or not true

But I want to say

I want to say what I feel

I want to say what I should do

*

I love you!

*

I closed my eyes and disappeared, went to a different place, far away in my memories. I tried to imagine the beaches in Spain as I did it a couple times before. I would remember the sound of people sitting on the sand, coming back from the water, talking, relaxing. I would feel as I would be there, my feeling would change and I would be really there. But instead I found myself again and again in Africa, in Morocco, sitting late at night in this cafe, a town on the road, a place I didn’t know. The cafe of the waiting souls. Waiting for the day, remaining in the night. Waiting to get a lift, to finally reach my destination.

I tried to imagine the fear, thought there should be fear, thought there was fear but there was none. Alone in this country, I had to trust people around me, people I couldn’t trust before, had to trust myself and I wasn’t afraid. I liked it as I was there. I felt the joy of this thought. Being there was something more then being there. Something timeless and bigger. It seems to be a place where I come back again and again in my life. It was a unique night in my life. It is a unique part of my life. - something - was in the air.

As I opened my eyes. She was away too. In what strange situation we are! I had to laugh, was shaking my head. Look where we are. Two sleeper, two dreamer sitting in the same cold fluorescent illuminated room. Both looking from time to time. Once we missed us short. I could still feel the glimpse of her closing eyes diapering from my body.

That’s where we are now.

…

After that came the knowing, that anger and things I couldn’t understand. Almost can’t believe. How can things be so hidden. Why is there so much to know. I got to know million of faces but I’m sure with her there is just more and more. How much more do I have to experience before I can . . . let go?

Then today was hard. Yesterday anger, today everything seems to hurt, I felt some kind of pain. Couldn’t watch, couldn’t see. Everything disturbed me. I wished there is one guy I can blame for everything and smash his face until I feel down. Damn but it’s so difficult and much more complex then I wish it is.

She was pretty today, very pretty. It didn’t help much.

Two people, friends today told me something and it’s both so different. The one said I should . . . the other one said I shouldn’t . . . !

What should I do? Doing what feels right.

I should listen to the one friend because it felt it came from the heart. It meant something and I’m thankful. I don’t know if I can ever get there.

I thought she’s just mad or angry at me. I thought it because we stopped talking as I was a kind of rude. I guess that;s what I am from time to time, especially when I’m in the corner. But I didn’t expect it’s because she just feel uncomfortable. I mean it takes a lot to keep yourself together when you have to, it takes a lot to somehow life this lie. I know what I’m talking about because I sometimes feel the same. Days are much easier when she’s not around, I’m glad that things went out OK in the last days. Even if sometimes things feel strange. I like anything that keeps my head active and let’s me look around. I concentrate on having a good time, having fun. I don’t need to go down. Sometimes I let some little feeling grow from my heart but swipe it away before it seems to hurt. I guess this will go. I know this uncomfortable feeling, I experience the same. Don’t know if there is a way out. Just a very few moments were really looking good between us since then. That’s how it finally ended. I didn’t expect it that way. Didn’t expect it that cold. Wow. I’m impressed how things can go. Now I feel even guilty thinking about her writing and her love. Don’t even know if this is appropriate. I guess not. Can’t explain why we aren’t talking. There is not even a final word. I guess it’s better that way. So we drift now completely apart and don’t even see it. I see it. One day one of us will go and we won’t see us again. If we do we won’t even know. Doesn’t mater what happened I didn’t want it that way but I accept. Can’t do anything about the things she feels.

Why is this how it is? Well I have to ask again, how did I get HERE??? Am I the same person then I was before? Am I different? Did I loose something? Did I get anything? I don’t even think she’s reading my blog anymore. I guess she was here from time to time as things were different. I still look very often what she has to say. It’s just I like to know. It’s stupid I know but on my reaction I can see how I feel. More or less. Anyway.

Anyway, I guess this is how things are. Can’t say I expected it to be this way, it’s quiet new. Can’t even say what my expectation were and are. It seems really empty right now. I should do some more with my free time.

OK. I’m a bit confused now. Don’t know exactly why and what I’m writing. Don’t even know who I write for. I know there are a few people coming back every few days. I never wanted to write for big groups. Maybe I just right for me and a very few. But somehow right now, I can’t say who. Is there anyone out there. Seems I lost my inner relation to who I write to. It’s just half past nine and I feel already like going to bed. Don’t want to be awake any longer. Just want it to be tomorrow. So that I can move. Still no bed, no window. But a couple things that will make my new spot nicer. I wished I had some pictures from here.

I guess I can still say, have a good night you all. I don’t even know who you are. I hope some of the few are still reading. Hope you follow from time to time.

Marco

- YOU -

You know it meant something for me that someone actually someone gave a fuck about the stuff I was writing and thinking. I liked to talk about and I liked to write about. It was more then just interaction. It was more then just stupid words. There was more behind. Now it feels so flat and valueless. It’s actually bad that this all happened like this. You understood me more then anyone else can do right now and we were heading to somewhere with our thoughts. I’ll miss this time. Life seems to become this death thing again. Where things are normal and this world doesn’t exist. I liked it here. Even if it was all in black. Do I want to be this happy guy, writing about the funny happy life stuff that happened all day? I don’t know. I love to be happy, I love you to be happy but I don’t feel like being less. Less shouldn’t be an option. It’s just wrong to give something like this up. I mean ‘once in a lifetime’ didn’t you understand. Maybe I didn’t. We are here just one time and we should use this chance to get to know. To explore, experience, discover. Not just be like it seems to be the best. Ugh! This would turn me down. I’m rather devil, vampire, fallen angel then brain death and without value and feeling for the ‘mystic’ part of life. I just would like to find a way, like to believe in a way that would work. Somehow. I mean there should be a solution. Something hidden under the surface of the always never ending turning wheel. I’m not the devil, I’m not god, I’m not an angel, I’m not one of the dark. I couldn’t choose to be one. I am all of them. So are we all. There is strength and power in this. I have it, you have it to. Just forget the day, the light and the night for a while and believe in something. Share a believe with me. I can believe in everything that happened. I can and I will. I rather choose to die then to live something less then that. You know I can fly, you know I can land, you know I earned and deserved my wings. I’m not weak, I’m strong. Just don’t see the need to fight it. Just lay back and see, see and feel how easy it is to be part of it. Because you are. You are part of this story. You were long before I met you, long before I met you. I would like you to see your strength I would like you to understand you part. Just lay back and don’t fight it for a while and you will see there is nothing to fight. There is nothing to fear. I believe you will find there something that was hard for you. Something that seemed impossible because you thought it isn’t there. There will be a strength. And I’m sure you could write back, you could give me the most powerful stroke I’ve ever seen. Show me that you can lead this in the same amount as I can do. I believe in this, I believe in you. I know you’ll find a way. I’m not begging you. I just ask you to by all what is left. I’ll wait for you.

It’s your Marco speaking here, someone you got to know by now. Now you almost know it all.

My hands are following, my head is leading and sometimes it’s just the time not to think. A friend once asked me to publish something I wrote a while ago. I think it was something I wrote in the first few weeks in Canada. OK. Well, let’s see if I can get it together and make the translation right. … … … OK, I tried but couldn’t do it. It was too screwed up afterward. So I will just post it like that. (No need to translate..)

Im Rausch des Blutes

„Gefangen bin ich in der Lust die meinen Körper, meinen Geist bestimmt. Mich voll und ganz einnimmt. Und selbst wenn sie im Verborgenen liegt keinen Platz für das lässt was meine Leben zu seien scheint.

Ich begehre frisches Fleisch, wie ein wildes Tier sein nächstes Opfer. Ich sehne mich nach dem jungen Lamm welches nur einmal unvorsichtig im Morgentau auf offenem Felde liegt. Ich begehre die blase Haut auf dem das Wasser ab perlt. Der Geruch des Halses in dem ich versinke. Die straffen Schenkel die sich mal wehren und sich dann doch wieder hingeben wenn ich sie erst langsam außen, dann innen streichle. Der Busen der sich mit seinen immer härter werdenden Nippel an meinem Körper drückt. Der angespannte Bauch der unter mir zu zittern anfängt während ich langsam, das erste mal in ihre enge Muschi eindringe und gleichzeitig die Lippen ihres aufgerissenen Mund küsse, ihre Zunge suche. Ich strecke ihren Kopf nach oben und gebe mich ganz ihrem Mund hin während ich immer wieder langsam aber tief in sie eindringe. Ich kann deutlich ihren Kitzler spüren der sich voller Blut zwischen meinen Fingern reibt. Ich spüre immer wieder ihren keuchenden Atem in meinem Mund. Sie umschließt mich immer enger, ich spüre ihre Schenkel um mich, ihre Arme ziehen sie nahe an mich. Ich dringe weiter in sie ein, nun schneller und härter. Ich spüre wie ihr Körper bebt, so wie der meine. Ich höre sie kräftig aufstöhnen, immer wieder wie als würde ein Schmerz sie durchfahren und sie Leiden empfindet doch es ist die unglaubliche Lust die sie nun beherrscht. Ich stoße schneller und lasse sie nicht gehen. Sie wird lauter und versucht jeden Ton zu unterdrücken als koste es ihr Anstrengung. Ich stoße weiter, küsse sie wenn immer ich ihren Mund noch fassen kann. Stoße weiter, tiefer, kräftiger in sie hinein. Ihr Bauch fängt nun heftig an zu beben. Sie gibt lange gedrückte Töne der Erregung von sich, die immer lauter und lauter werden. Ich mache weiter und höre nicht auf. Ich stoße sie kräftig, halte ihre Schenkel und Oberkörper fest am Boden. Sie schüttelt sich, stöhnt laut auf und schreit einige male laut und hell auf. Sie scheint verloren, sich zu verlieren, ich greife sie fest so das sie meinen ganzen Körper spürt, jeder einzelne Muskel in ihrem Körper scheint zu zittern, sich an zu spannen und wieder zu lösen. Ich höre sie immer noch schreien. Aus ihren Augen fließen Tränen, einige wenige, dann endlos viele. Es scheint als würde sie leiden doch gibt sie sich mir ganz hin. Sie lässt ihren Emotionen, den Wunden von tief in ihr freien Lauf. Sie ist nun ganz mein. Sie weint immer noch und ich bin für sie da in dem ich sie nah an mich halte und küsse. Ihr Körper hat sich langsam ein wenig beruhigt und ist in einer angenehmen Wärme mit meinem verschmolzen. Eng umschlungen, geistig und körperlich eins gehen wir langsam weiter. Ich bewege mich behutsam weiter in ihr bis ich mich in ihr ergieße. Als eins liegen wir versteckt in der Wiese, schauen unsere nackten Körper an und suchen uns immer wieder und wieder.“

(I still like this picture. My brother had it on his wall, a good friend send it me once because she liked the idea. I used it now because sometimes it seem to fit…)

I have to react to something a friend wrote. About life. Here I write about my life. I don’t care about the others, better - right now I don’t care about the once that don’t care about me – with exceptions – my brother, what do you do??? But I want to live life because I want to live! I want to feel, I want to experience, I want to understand, I want to love, I want to give. I want to use this ‘once in a lifetime’ chance to see me – to see us as god, through the eyes of others and trough the eyes of me. We got this present of this life. We got the present of the good and hard times, just so that we can see. We are much more then nothing, we are much more then all! Look at the life, look at you. Look where you are, look what strange things because of even more strange reasons we do. See everything. Love where you are right now. Just imagine were you already went, just imagine where you are! Just imagine you. Look trough my eyes, look trough the eyes of people far away. So far way, maybe from the stars. Look trough the eyes of the ones who love you. The ones who love your life, the once who love you as a person, the once who love what you do, the once who love you just because you’re a living. See trough the eyes from the once far away. The once who know you more then you. The once that actually so close. The once who smile and cry because of you. The once who hold hands and hug when they see what you do. I know they are watching over me. They are watching over you. We are not lonely. We never are. There is more, and everything you see – see it with love. It’s your life, your love. I love. You are strong – you are love!!!

Have a good night my friends, have a good night my best friend, have a good warm night my special friend. Everything is close! Feel it! Know it! It is so true and warm. Bye for now.

Marco

PS: We are just so small and it’s almost romantic to experience us as this little things we are. It just fits the way we are. We’re so little, so cute - everything fits. We’re a part not even important and still we’re more then all. Experience yourself as full and complete in this endless universe. We are complete. We are all. We are a little piece of love. We have the gift to experience together, we have the gift to experience what it means to be apart.