Freiraum | Open Space

I somehow lost it, I run into a mess, maybe it was supposed to be like that. It’s weird, I don’t even care, numb I’m watching everything go by. How did I get here. I really can’t explain. Everything happened, one thing after another, one causes the other, nothing able to make me think, stop, no more self-control. Why should I? In this moments, very very seldom in the last time, there is no faith. Away is what I thought I felt for sure. I guess after all this I’m fallen by the first quest, the first challenge. I feel good now, I always do in the beginning, but where do I go? Just a few days ago… well maybe not.. I wanted to say I remember the strong guy, I remember how I was and how I’m not now. But I remember it wasn’t like this anymore. Something went wrong in a strange way. Somehow… maybe I felt long before I thought I did. Maybe I’m just diggin in the dirt because I have to get up. I’m just afraid to break down, not now, not where I am right now. But how can I get up? Do I have the power to do it all myself. Should I do it or should I rest, find some quiet spot, free off the big picture, the trouble, the insanity of being so close to everything. I was close, but I couldn’t reach it. The moment before, I didn’t make, I couldn’t do the next step, to slow, chaos reached my mind before. Now here I am, down, no need to stand. Sitting on the ground, leaning on a three. Watching over the field, looking down the hill where the city is hiding. No way, I won’t run fast now. I should stay here. It’s a good spot. I have to say, well I was close but there is no point in crying about this or even to try to reach out for anything. I should look into my pocket and see what I got. It’s not nothing. Am I able to be happy? Sometimes I surprise myself, yes I am, I am not just able, I really am happy. Isn’t it strange? Sometimes you really think you lost something, when it becomes to big, it grows faster then you do, it leaves the save world of your mind, it’s not longer the heart you’re talking to, it’s the sky. There is nothing in the sky, maybe there is but don’t look up to find it, look inside. My neck hurts, so long was I looking up but couldn’t find again. Anger because of this poisoned myself, no way to find. Now I’m here, had to cut a few ropes, had to let go, friends and lovers, mingling with the people, people I don’t know, people that are far. Far in a different sense - just physical, personal related - they seem much closer to me then anyone. Say hello to the stranger. Say good bye to your love. And to be honest it felt good, I found something, it was me. I was afraid of pain and suffering but surprised of the strong side of myself. Did I learn this on my travel, it is definitely something new. Hello my old friend, hello myself! Being on my own, I think it’s the only way for now. I can’t reach out anymore, can’t grab for any hand in the dark, why do I even close my eyes and dream? Open them and you will see! And I do see, this sellout of my soul has to stop. There are moments when I like to jump into the waves, into the cold water if you want. But I was long enough out there. Time to realize who I am again, time to realize what I deserve. Too many credits have been given from me. Sorry but that has to stop. I reached the border with experience and little adventures on the one and a senseless addiction-like behavior on the other side. It’s not always easy. Sometimes it’s really hard to say what is right or not, I can just listen to what I feel and what I think. So many thoughts are somewhere there in my head, I would like to bring them all on this paper right now but I can’t. That’s why I need this time, let’s see what me and myself is making out of it in the next weeks. One more thing, actually I would like to have one thing, one hand reaching for me, I do not think about anyone particular, not even about the circle of people I know. It’s just I do need a reason, there are a few little things that disturb me. Show me that I sit under this three, show me that I left the filthy ground, show me that I am here and now. I will probably skip something tonight. Another broken promise, two in this short time. I know, but I am tired. Writing all this words and finally I end up where every day begins. I would love to make a promise, but not tonight. I can’t I am too afraid of breaking it again. I would like to believe in my own promises, It would feel so good to promise now and to believe in it. But this week, it did not even survive seven full days. Not even close. Maybe it is meant to be. I don’t go to the gym when I’m sick, today I’m not sick but need some kind of healing. Maybe that’s it. I was so afraid of this day when I can’t do it anymore, when the only way to feel better is giving it up. It never happened that the resistance in me vanished, it was more the opposite, it felt always better as I overcome myself and finally did what I had to do but it became always harder as well. Let’s see how much will be left at the end. Weird last words, I know. … not meant to be for anyone reading this.

Marco

I drop my pants in the subway!!!

It was an amazing even, I had difficulties to find the words for it, I will just paste and copy what I just wrote in a forum:

‘: )) I had a lot of fun. And why they asked on their website that people should leave their cam at home was more because they actually wanted you to have fun! Of course many brought the cam and sometimes I wished I had my cam too but it probably wouldn’t be that cool with my cam in the hand.
After the official even was over I ended up with a smaller group of people walking downtown Toronto to find some food… unfortunately (of course) not many restaurants and food courts like people w/o pants… : ) Finally we got something at the new mall on Dundas Square. The security guy gave us enough time to eat but warned us that he has to throw us out in about 10 minutes.. After that our group was diminished to around ten hardcore people. Somehow, a long and hilarious subway ride later we ended up in a bar in Scarborough where we after a few more little adventures, finally around 10PM got back into our pants… Well, I can say this was one of the most wicked, most weird, most funny and definitely in between of my legs the most freezing day in Toronto …. so far! : ) You can’t believe how many people actually joined us on the street or in the subway as we asked them to take their pants off as well! This was definitely a unforgettable experience of freedom, another kind of freedom for sure. I can say I saw the city with different eyes that day, and even now, the city I’m living in is not longer the same. More fun, more excitement, new people I meet and always the memory: There was a day as I dropped my pants in the subway! Ten years from now on I will say! That day - I was there!!! : ))’

This was the very short story of my experience of Toronto’s 2nd Annual No Pants! Subway Ride.

A mission of:http://improvintoronto.com/

Thanks to Beverly for the pictures and of course for her hot appearance! ; )

I am so impressed by my little discovery that I have to write about it. First of all a short review of the last few days. Christmas dinner at my friend Lucas place with his parents was great, afterwards we saw the movie Gran Torino, this was even better! After Crash probably the second best movie that handles racism in a very interesting way. A movie that makes you laugh, that makes you shake you head, think and maybe cry. The main character is a person I could identify myself from time to time. I am not that racist, but indeed I might be grumpy from time to time. Especially in the last time as I felt I had to separate from a few in order to find my self, in order to get closer to myself. I was afraid of an screwed up mainstream end, but it wasn’t. I recommend what I saw.

Well and today, I had to get up at five, wrote for a while before I went to work. Boxing day… everyone went crazy. It was such a long day, I was so tired, so vulnerable, I felt so unpleasant, sometimes, a few moments I could feel good. The day started very very cold, that’s for sure. But friends gave me hugs to cheer me up and make me feel a little warm. : ) Still I was so lost today, almost no sleep and no strong thought to hold on to. I was at the mercy of the day. But overall it was funny. I am glad as it was done. I felt a little sucked… (not soaked, I just found out. So whenever I said or wrote soaked in the last time, it might be that I meant sucked. And the same with the word handsome, whenever I said handsome it can be that I meant handtame… Hahaha… lol… : )

I had to get a clear head, it was past due anyway, so I went out. Just for maybe half an hour. And it was a right thing to do. After this day. I have to focus on myself. I almost forgot that it is me who decides and I am the one who tells me who I am. I almost lost me less depending way. I was waiting for other people to change my life, I was waiting that other people bring me what I need. It was close, so close again, living at the edge. But then.. going out and I got it back. So I came back to my place. And here it happened. The little incident, the little try.

I ordered to many traveler checks last week, and so I am a little broke right now. But I don’t want to cash any of my checks unless it is really necessary. That meant I had to start cooking all the stuff I had since a while. I was eating a lot of rice int he last few days. What is not bad, yesterday I cooked quiet a lot, enough for fried rice in the morning. But this wasn’t that good. As I came back from my little trip I started frying the other rest that was left. What came out is a simple, cheap and very quick recipe how to make fried rice awesome. It started with oil in a pan almost under full heat, and also quiet a bit of oil so that the whole pan is covered. Now I filled the pan with the remaining rice. about one inch, maybe one and a half inch high. I waited a while before I scrambled the rice. In the morning I tried my rice with soya sauce because it was so try but the taste wasn’t that good. This time, still no other option what I could use as a sauce I just pured the sauce direct over the rice until everything seemed covered. I had no idea if this would work but at least it produced an interesting sound, so far no smell. I waited a while before I turned the rice over like burger meat, the ground of the pan seemed quiet dry so I added more oil. I did this maybe one, or two more time, I made sure the rice is sticking together quiet well, I used a …what was the name… spatula to press the rice together. After a while I took a fork and just tried a little of the rice, I was almost shocked how good it was. I couldn’t believe it turned out this way, I was thinking, how was this possible? I was lucky this time. Excited about my discovery I got a plate and put all the rice on it. It had a very interesting color, now the amazing smell reached my nose. Eating it was a pleasure, the consistence was also very interesting. Somehow sticky but in a very enjoyable way! It was so good that next time when I make rice I will direct prepare it that way. Sometimes coincidence, the circumstances and experimenting, maybe a bit luck and faith leads to the best things in life. Well, let’s see if this can proof itself in another way.

My head is so full, so many going on. One day you have to read it all. I have to laugh about all this now. Life is an amazing thing, my life right now acts very .. mmmh…. very wow. My few friends, when we sit together just ask me and try to get a little bit of this out of me, you have to feel this when I tell you all the things. Life…

But for now. I promised myself not to sleep before ten, so I have another hour. Can’t waste my day, and night with sleeping. I was in a very bad rhythm but now it is fine. I do want to keep this up, yes I do!

I would love to tell, but there will always be a secret in the next time. It’s all so wild. : )

I wish all of you a good night!! See you soon! Hope you had a good Christmas!

All the best, your

Marco

Somehow I felt so lucky short before I went to bed. But as I turned of this thing that ruins my life I got another idea. Some random thoughts, something that didn’t bother me before came one after another, mingled into one destroying thought.

Game? Scraps I caught from a conversation? Coming back late? WHAT THE FUCK??? It started cooking in me. I felt fever and heat. I almost went crazy but I went to bed. Wouldn’t let this take control. But the clock was running. I was thinking and as more as I thought as crazier it was. I let the devil into me and was walking restless, careless, red eyed trough different worlds. I went so crazy. I almost explode. Then some random noise caught my attention. It woke me up, I was not even sleeping. I went back into the hell of my head. It was a angry pass I walked. Another noise came trough the night. The normally so quiet and arrogant cat started meow, she almost screamed like a little child. A view times I went back into my thoughts but always the cat brought me up. Damn. This is burning me out, my heart was burning like hell. I went up and opened the door. The cat was sitting not far from it. She stopped her furor and was coming to me. Normally she isn’t that confiding and more on distance but this time she came close. I was looking around and just saw the dark room, kitchen under the low incoming light. I went into the living room, followed the cat who was now playing with my feet. I sat down on the chair in front of my PC. I calmed down. I needed to write and was thinking. It took me a while before I turned on the PC. The cat was walking around now, I think she was walking in a big circle, looking for something, or maybe she had to calm down as well. I just saw her gray shadow in the dark, just sometimes I could see her in the light shine coming from the window behind of me. Sometimes she stopped in the light and was looking at me before she continued walking around. I knew what I want to write. I hate jealousy and this kind of ideas. I am jealous like hell and I think it’s more then normal in my position. Even if it seems not right. Even if it seems different now since the door opened the second time. It’s already hard to accept what I know, but it’s even harder not to know because this are things I can’t accept. I just know every time this happened I change more and more. I just want to make the turn before I become the wrong person. I know I’m not all the time an angel, I can be an asshole from time to time but seeing this on you is just not right.

But for now I feel better. It seems to be some stupid mistake. Whatever. Who knows?

Now I’ll try to sleep again.

Good night.

Marco

Someone asked me a couple times, ‘Why??’ ‘Why??’ ‘Why did you do it??’ My answer was ‘I don’t know, I needed it, and you know. I feel much better this way!!’ And it’s still what I would say. Seeing her furious, reacting, me ignoring, even changing her name. It was what I needed, I needed this response, better then nothing. Better this then nothing at all. From now one she can be quiet if she wants to. [ - But you know – actually you shouldn't be quiet at all!!! - ] And finally, she should keep it, I hope she doesn’t bring it back, if she does she can direct break it, tear it apart. Finally she took it home. How did I enjoy to look at her today. Something changed. It was as I could…, I could see her! Even if she pretends to hate me now. I could see. You know girl, you’re a tough nut!

My day started too crazy. I started late and as I came in I was confronted by hectic and chaos. Everything seemed to be messed and screwed up. Very angry people where calling, or came angry into the store. Things got lost, everything was on risk. Million people called, paged, talked to me at the same time. I was turning around like a male ballet dancer, or better a ice figure skater. It was so much trouble and all happened the same time. Phone was ringing in the pocket while Tim handed me another one, important pending paperwork in the left hand, a computer under the right arm, the same arm I tried to open the door with Shawn’s keys. To be honest, I liked this morning. It was so much fun! Making all this screwed up things straight. Showing what I could do. Showing that I can handle it. And yes, I handled it very well. One business guy, he seems in the mid 30’s, quiet young and looks very smart. He’s getting all the time so angry and is making a big story. Somehow I know how to handle him. At least he likes my explanations. He’s getting all friendly as soon as I joined the conversation with Tom and after all the air is out. I guess he likes my explanation of things. Well, I knew his laptop might be physically lost but I could please him for now and he walked out with a smile. He was happy that he could express his anger and ego so freely, he leaves always with a smile, still in hectic. I guess that’s what makes us guys happy. Letting the air out and saying things you wouldn’t say normally. It’s really something to express yourself! Just thinking about was worth a deep breath. Another women who took about an hour of my time was also very pleased with me. I was climbing on ladders to get her some instructions. Well, the first time I was really weak, somehow I felt quiet some fear. But there was just no time for it so I had to go. Well this cleaned my head. I found the right thoughts. Later one I was happy every time I could climb up, did not even ask for any support. It was exciting to feel the deep beside of me, it was exciting to feel the risk. If I had the chance to go higher, I probably would. But the building sets me some limits. : ) I was actually amazed by myself how much I had under control. I was just thinking, ‘Well, now I have to fix this mess, I have to stay calm and clear’ It took me a while to organize and find the right thoughts again, already the second time. The thought that said, ‘you’ll just do it’, ‘you’ll just handle it!’ It was such a rush, three hours later, almost everything was done. I was excited, full of euphoria. I had to smile myself now. It was time for lunch.

A curiosity happened. Something small I feel to mention here. As I was waiting for my cheeseburger I was leaning on a wall and looking at myself in a big mirror on the opposite wall. I was reflecting about myself and also just watching me. (lol… I remember something now…) So, I was in my thoughts as some guy came and started weaving over the mirror, he started cleaning it. He was cleaning just one spot, it was exactly me. He cleaned ‘me’ in the mirror! I felt that seems right. I was pleased. What a strange morning, what a strange day.

Now, the thing I just remembered. Haha… Fucking language barrier! There was a very hyper woman in the store a few days ago. She was complaining about some ink she bought the other day. I was talking to her for quiet a while. She told me the whole story… as usual. It was actually a funny conversation. In the last time I like to talk to the customers. It’s not so formal anymore. It’s somehow personal. That’s cool. Being human and not some kind of machine. I know, I know. I called myself many times a Cylon, and probably I am. But we are like humans, even more! Don’t you know, don’t you understand it?? : ) Anyway. She was talking and talking and between she had to explain herself, had to excuse her talking. She would say stuff like: ‘I’m very pedantic’ and similar. One she repeated again and again and I didn’t even respond, didn’t react but in the hurry of the situation I couldn’t make my mind up about this, what it means. I also had to think about something I read once that someone wrote. She kept repeating that she’s very anal. Why is she anal?? My vocabulary wasn’t sufficient enough to get it right. She repeated it all the time but didn’t say it loud, she was more talking to herself and just me. No one but her and barely me should hear her confassion/self-criticism. And even if I didn’t think about it. I don’t know which part of my brain, the subconsciousness or the more conscious part was asking if she’s really saying she’s anal, while the other part knew it can’t mean that. I have to laugh now… ahaa… I translated it a few minutes ago. Hahaha…. [anal : anal, Anal-, den After betreffend, pedantisch, pingelig{ugs.}] Well, sometimes language is so useless and dispensable. A friend said once to me ‘Language is just there to lie to themselves’ Maybe it’s true. At least in this case it caused a very interesting situation. To bad actually… : P

What a strange day, oh and by the way. Something I might have seen today, I saw it already, I knew already… anyway..

Have a nice night. Read and SEE you soon!

Your Marco.

Winnie – …still love you! THIS is no LIE!!!

PS: I liked this morning so much, why isn’t it all the time like this? I’m in the wrong business! I need some challenge, I have so much potential and can’t use it. I was doing so much better under this stress. My English was great, I was quick and made things just right. If there is no such pressure it seems things are just less important and you screw up just to kill some time. I should look around, keep my eyes open and think about this.

I apologize already now. I said I will let go, I said I’ll let you go, let you loose. Sure I keep talking, writing, loving, feeling for/about you. But I feel already it makes me sick, makes me angry. I don’t feel hate but you might experience it. I apologize now while I just can. I might get unfair and rude. I’m angry already. It’s about time! Can’t handle your two-face of lying anymore! It makes me sick, it’s pulling me down. This love gives me nothing then pain! I hate you from the day on you started to lie to me. I’m not the person who should apologize. It’s you! But of course you won’t feel the need for it because you don’t need me, you never lost anything, neither love, neither a friend. You screw around with things people give to you so easily. Why don’t you say it loud what you said once to me? You hate people! You should be alone. You should appreciate what you got. Wake up and realize the shards of your broken mirror! Damn I gave you so much, I promised you, I was willing to step back just to please you. You were lying to me as long as you needed me. Don’t lie about being a friend. Maybe you tried but you’re just not able to. You were fast finding a replacement for the only need you had for me. And by the way, you should start asking him some questions. You might encounter something soon. I know what I see when I look in peoples eyes and how they react. So just asked him from time to time what he might feel. You will be surprised. So what did you get? A freaking driver who’s finally feeling the same.

I don’t know what’s wrong with you. I see you sometimes and just realize how immature you are. Agreed I’m the same, but I wasn’t before I met you.

You know when I see you I don’t know what I see anymore. Sometimes it feels good and warm, I feel I could hold you so close, just hold you in my arms. Sometimes I’m going to explode. I see the whole you, might people keep saying I don’t know you – trust me. I do know you. I know your faces, I know the truth. I know what you’re able to. I have a perfect picture of you. There are some lovely parts, some very arrogant, some childish, some provocative, some deep, some blue, some you don’t even want to talk about, some you pretend not to know. Meeting this parts would be something like laughing loud out about what you just said and attaching a laud “I knew it, you’re so crazy… let’s…” I would enjoy this excitement of getting all this parts to know. I know they are there, I can see it, I can feel it. This would be amazing, crazy, overwhelming, something you shake your head about, something you think your whole life. Oh girl we could have let this grow. … The others? Sure pretending to know you might be a show just to keep control. But who are the once that want/need this control – for what for?? I don’t care. As much as I respect my friends and yours as well. If they really wanna know…? haha

I know you’re whole being, I love it, I see mine. I know the parts that make you think, I know about what you do. I can see it and it looks like chaos but it’s a beautiful order why you do!

It’s so sad to see your decisions that make your life. Waste of time, waste of energy. I see who you could be and I know it would make you happy. You would start to love life, to love people. I know it but you decide another way. How many times do you have to control yourself to be some kind of puppet in the game?? The game made by the once who don’t play under the rules. I hope one day your favorite mask, your favorite lie would decide to die and show me the truth. I would love you baby! I could show you the truth. Just stop one day to be afraid, just climb on a ladder and look around. See that giving up this lie wouldn’t hurt a bit. It’s a release! One day you should walk tall and let people know you can. Don’t hide, don’t sneak around. See the one thing that could free your life. Damn. I do love you. We could have so much fun. Yes I decided to let you go. Well I do. It’s up to you.

Do you remember – do you remember talking once about to fly? You should think about this twice. You got the wings. See what you can do.

My love, good bye Winnie.

Your Marco

There won’t be any friendship without love! You have to take me like that or you’ll get nothing at all.

I won’t stop talking about you when I don’t feel like, I won’t pretend something, I won’t lie about the things I feel for you.

Why is it that people try to tell me all the time what I feel and not feel for you? Why is it that people try to tell me who you are? I don’t care what they say and I don’t care if they say it wouldn’t fit at all. I’m not the right guy, you’re not the right girl. Do the people who say they know you at all really know you?

I can’t stand all this. I know what I need to know. Well I know it won’t work but I know it could. But I don’t care. I accept that it won’t be. I accept where you go.

I don’t care what you get to know and who tells you what, I don’t care about anything right now. You can just go, go!

I saw what we had, I think. I know what I feel. I remember the few looks from you, I know you were looking at me. I saw your eyes, your eyes were seen.

I’ll let you go. Friendship can’t be, you should know this. This would be a bigger lie then what we have now. Sure we’re going to pretend at work, but that’s it.

I feel for you, I let you go. I hope you don’t turn around.

Just don’t forget, here was someone in love. It might have been the right guy.

Read you soon Winnie.

Your friend - in love

Marco

“Sitting here in this cinema at the exact same spot where we both once sat, it’s a special moment, I feel it’s a changing point. I have a little headache, my stomach is not that right. But waiting here for the movie to start, sitting in the almost empty room lets me see very clear. There is just very low music coming from behind the curtain, and a emotionless, routinized couple is whispering from behind, like the people in the doctors waiting room. It’s all about pain, heart and the brain.

Maybe it was last week, maybe my feeling was right. The suggestions to wait were wrong, last week was the closest point. After we missed it once, we really somehow made it again so close. But it wasn’t close enough, we missed this second chance.

Over a month now. The moon is getting small again. The air in the park, that surrounded us once so warm in this soft light is getting cold. Soon the trees will loose their leafs and no one wants to sit there anymore. It will be winter.

I’m supposed to be here. I saw all the signs, might it be destiny. I saw this destiny everywhere. The curtain falls, the light from the screen casts a quivering shadow on my notebook.

The movie starts.”

. . .

“I was thinking about it for at least a second, I wanted at least to leave the chance. But actually I wasn’t surprised, or even really expected you to come. It would actually mean more - something then anything else.”

After seeing it. Now I’m afraid. I feel fear as I never felt before. It’s hard and cold outside. Fear is all in myself. I see a girl screaming at a guy who seems to follow her. I wanted to go help her, help her blind. Of course I stopped walking and went to her. But what could I do anyway? It wouldn’t matter, finally she was safe. I think she wasn’t right, he was just some random guy passing her way. I continued walking ‘home’, the friends place. I had to find out who I am. Today I had to decide about my future, even if this decisions doesn’t matter now it showed me something. Right for now, if I had to decide what to do. Would I prefer it to keep it simple and light or intense and maybe overwhelming and crazy? I would choose for the harder way. I’m here for experience, I don’t talk about Canada. I AM HERE! I need to learn, bringing me into trouble, if I want it or not, finally helps me out. I welcome the unusual with open arms, welcome the pain, the suffer, the unexpected, the love, fear and every tear, especially the tear. If you would know what it means for me to cry! Maybe it’s all wrong, maybe I should choose the easy way. Right now I feel I’m on the limit, couldn’t take any more. But sometimes I wish to get back some of the trouble just to not to loose. I’m not a person who likes to be empty. Life should be full, full with all kind of stuff, most important at least a little love. Oh girl, I can’t believe it, this journey, you, taught me so much about love. Love, different kinds of love and loving.

My girl. I just want you to know. I love you! …but it is time. I need to say good bye! Take care of your self and be safe! Don’t forget the good moments, the special moments, the personal, even intimate conversations. We had not much time but as we were talking there was – something - we had in common. I know this part where we are the same is most important in our life, even if we can’t always let this part lead our life. Sometimes we have to get out and think. So do you, so do I. Good bye my love, good bye Winnie W.

We had a great time, I will probably love you for a long time but need to let go, at least I have to try.

..

And also all the others,

thanks to friends, brother, sister and sister. You were all so nice! I learned about you, I was able to learn about myself. Now it’s time to realize. I need to go into myself and see the truth, need to feell reality. Thanks again to all of you!

Winnie I love you!

Marco

It’s a beautiful Saturday but I still can’t decide to leave the house. This weekend my love is so far away, but I can still feel her. What’s she doing? I might use this chance to write some random stuff, something that couldn’t find a place here. I know so much time passed and I was waiting, she was as well. I don’t know. It feels like everything is gone now. Can’t really believe that she will still look at me the way I’m used to it. Even if I never realized it until the last weekend. Or maybe I realized it but couldn’t figure it all out. A little hint from a friend made me think. Last week, I felt somehow we came really close. But now? Did we miss it? I couldn’t talk, couldn’t ask, she didn’t either. So am I right – was this it?

Some say I should wait, be patient, give time and don’t give up, some say I still have to apologize, some say it’s awkward and this has to go away, some say I should respect, leave her alone. Most of the people I was talking to don’t even know what I was talking about but some knew, I could see. Random questions because I can’t answer them myself anymore. That’s what I thought. But finally, I’m thankful for all what’s said but I can’t follow anything but me. I just have a feeling, maybe just need some little incitement to do the right thing. In this time of trouble, in the middle of all this thoughts from everywhere it seems I found something strong, something that feels right. It’s hard to explain. It’s easy to feel. I know she was watching me, I know she was reading and I know how it could be now or soon. Don’t even know if this still has any meaning for her. Why was she reading, coming back and thinking? Was she looking for something, something that never came? Now it’s getting less intense, maybe boring and the repeating of the same again and again. It’s loosing it’s value. But I still feel the same! It’s not longer pain, it doesn’t hurt. You just see and think ‘aha’. So many times I was afraid to feel this emptiness myself. I was afraid to find myself in nonsense. No sense at all. But for me, doesn’t matter what she’s doing, somethings still hurt, even if it doesn’t mean anything, it’s even worse. Talking about the flies and it still hurts. When comes the part when I say ‘I just don’t want to know anymore?’ So far nothing helped. Do I actually want to get out? I walked not without a reason into this labyrinth, and it had a reason that I never walked out. I experienced so much, including the greatest thing, called love. But also lots of other stuff. So many pieces.

It really feels so empty right now. To know that she’s not around is hard. Can’t explain. I feel OK and actually very light, I could jump trough the streets but somehow in my imagination there is a little thing missing, the little thing that makes my jumps high and long. It’s seems I’m glued to the ground and just walk around. So I might just do my stuff, go to the movie tonight and imagine you with me, imagine you coming back the next day, so that we can at least share the same town. At least for a while.

Now, some random thoughts. Things I was thinking about, things I wrote down.

First of all, the safety pin I’m wearing tight around my neck at least three to four times a week, depends where I am, depends who is around. For me it has a reason, the whole story about is a secret – might be a mystery - and means something to me. How I got to it, why I’m wearing it, who’s involved, what it means shall remain a secret for know. People can think. But I would like to share my experience since I’m wearing it. I got a lot of comments about it and people kept asking questions - what is it about? In the beginning I could sneak around the answer, didn’t want to tell, didn’t know what to say. Well, one day Shawn, one of my managers came into my little windowless office, or was it the windowless lunchroom? Don’t remember. He had something in mind and was walking a bit strange. Then he told me… he had to leave the sales floor quickly (I call it dance floor and still hope one day we get a little disco ball) because his zipper was wide open… This was the moment as I knew the answer, that’s how knowledge came/comes to me… I said immediately and proud, ‘Hey you see! That’s why I wear this safety pin!! In case my zipper doesn’t hold anymore!!” Hahaha, what a story when I think about. Since this moment I say it all the time, so many asked and all where laughing and happy about the answer, no one really asked again about the real reason. I was free. The thing is, of course it isn’t the reason, not really, but the more I think about… lol. It might be part of it too.

Now I’m going to tell you another story. I expected to embarrass myself one day and I almost did but I could safe me in the last minute, sneak around. I wanted to look good for her - just for her! So, I liked myself in new jeans, I guess this still was OK. I liked to see me in my new jeans. As I bought them I thought I might go out, but no – I decided I don’t want to. At work, many might know we collect money for this kind of Special Olympics thing and when you give $5 you can come three days in jeans or so. Well I thought already a few weeks ago, I might want to do this and payed for it. I was already just thinking about her. To be honest - that’s what you do when you l… l.. l. like someone. Everyone should know. So, two days were great, I felt quiet good, in the beginning a bit strange. I expected attention from her. I guess I got at least some. OK, but more then two days jeans wouldn’t be good. I had this idea, I just got my nice dress pants from the dry cleaner and never wear my new dress shirt. Well, why not? I was in a hurry in the morning, got everything together and left for work. It felt already too strange, something was wrong, I lost so much weight, my pants were now too loose and the belt not tight enough, everything was hanging deep down, my shirt was looking to large with my cloth, my hair was doing all kind of shit, my boxer shorts were sitting too high and very tight around my little me, don’t know why this happened and now I started sweating, nothing fit right. I felt like a clown. What was I thinking?? How can I embarrass myself like this? What can I do? I know she would see my first when I come into the store. I know I have to wear this pants the whole day. I was thinking about sneaking into the tech room and fixing my belt with screwdriver and cutter knife. I just wished I wouldn’t have done this! I wished ‘please just ignore me, don’t look at me’ My ego was down. Please accept that I do stupid stuff. I felt so embarrassed already and was going crazy about this thought. What can I do to fix this. Short before I arrived I took some time and organized myself a little bit, just enough to pass her and go fast into the back of the store. As I came in I said in my thoughts to her ‘just don’t look, leave it, it was stupid and it’s already embarrassing enough for me’ I seemed almost that she knew and she didn’t look. Thank god! I passed behind her into the back. Here I could change most of my cloth except the pants. Somehow with my red shirt it wasn’t that bad, pants were sitting a bit more tight. But I still didn’t want to be in her sight for the next few hours. What was I thinking? The funny thing is, as I got changed I found out that my zipper and not just this, also the top button came loose. I had to laugh. ‘Today I might need my safety pin’ if it happens again. But it didn’t. The day was actually OK. Finally I was brave enough to risk something and delivered my message in form of an symbol. The message she maybe never got, it’s still there. Her door was just open and I had to put it in. Even if I break some rules. But sometimes you have to break them if you want to be heard. Yes, this was a strange day. The funny thing is, later as I left work everything was fitting better, now people asked me if I’m going on a date. I liked the idea that people would think this, I was thinking about her, but I said no. Some didn’t believe I guess. So yes, I went to work styled and dressed up like seeing the Phantom of the Opera at the Majestic in New York. All just because of her. Now, I can laugh about it. It’s such a silly love story. I remember once telling her about something that could have been a cheap Hollywood plot, she was laughing as I said it happened to me. That makes live and the movies much realer I guess. Well and now, I’m ‘writing’ my story again. It happens all exactly this way. Again: “It really happens!”

Things that follow me since a while. The keys, don’t know since when this is a important part of my life, but it’s coming back, it’s always here. Let me quote what I wrote a few days ago. One of the more boring days. It started with a short line.

“The once you ignore start to like you,

the once you adore send you away.”

another version:

“The once you ignore

start to adore.

The once you adore,

start to ignore”

Before I get to the keys. I was thinking about a few things, actually I wanted to write this since weeks. It’s about how man and woman handle the get together thing. Woman most likely judge and test their man before they even go into a relationship. That means man have to encounter a lot of stuff before they even get close to her. Well that’s how female wants to make proof if her future maybe partner is right or not. This might be a reason why woman can much easier choose to like guys in a good working relationship. Because it’s just the best proof for her. Well, but you never can look behind the doors. For man it’s the hardest time. It’s when we are forced to be more then 100%. But somehow many woman are very disappointed with their man after they started a serious relationship. Because man might call it pay back, but it’s actually something else. I think man can’t judge a women before a relationship. We just decide to like, to adore her. We don’t think ‘hey she’s seems to be too …’ whatever. No, we just love her the way she is. For now(?), we don’t even have the chance to think about her because she makes us think about our selfs all time. It seems to be the only major topic. Well, but as soon as this is over and she made her decision to go for him. Well, now the guy has some air and room to breath. Now it’s his job to find out if the woman is actually right for him. Now the woman has to encounter all this stuff that seems just not logic to her. How can he now question this relationship? I mean she just decided after this long fight that it will be good, that he’s the right one, so what is this now about? I guess female might be lucky if male can decide quick and doesn’t let her feel everything that she let him feel before. That’s the time when she claims that he’s not like before. Of course he isn’t, how can he? : P Anyway. It’s just a theory. There are exceptions, I still heard stories about people falling in love and having this kind of long ongoing love story. Walking together in parks, going to the cinema and that kind of stuff. I guess that’s why it just never fits. We might all be the same but the timing is just not right. : 0 So, girls out there! Don’t make it too hard for the guys – we all try our best! And all the guys out there! Don’t be too much an dick-head because she finally let you into her pants, I mean she finally decided for you!! : P

Now about the key. I wrote it direct after it happened, nothing special, just thought it’s a nice little metaphor but…

“Do you know this when you want to unlock a door but somehow you got the key wrong. You turn it all around until your wrist hurts. It’s just a little bit left and the door would open, you try your best but you can’t. The only thing you can do is let it loose and try again. It’s so much easier the second time”

…somethings else happened.

“Is it coincidence that a few moments later, as I was trapped in the thoughts of this door, the lock broke? [It really broke!] You could open it from the inside but the key wasn’t working anymore. That means as soon as everyone would be out, no one could go back in. The only thing we could do is use some tape to keep it open. Well now it’s unlocked, everyone can go in and out. I was asking to get a guard from the aisles in front of the door. Someone to watch my little windowless office… The broken door… mmh??”

Well, I don’t know. Was this coincidence? Was this a sign?

The stuff that’s going on is too strange. Sometimes I would like to keep this out, I would like to experience a ‘just normal’ love story. But it’s part of it. And now it’s a good time to bring it in.

I know there was more I wanted to talk about. But it’s lost now. It’s time to do some work anyway. I might add more later.

Bye for now.

Marco

PS: And actually I like it that way.

Some music from Alanis Morissette:

>> Ironic

>> You learn

>> Thank U

Some from the Stones (Quote: Q: you like the rolling stones? A: Yes I do. You just need to listen to the songs… It’s so much more then you hear in the radio… I like his arrogant appearance and the man who is really behind.”

>> Gimme Shelter

>> You Can’t Always Get What You Want

>> Wild Horses