Freiraum | Open Space

Okay, now both galleries are online! As I wrote already, no Photoshop or any kind of editing software is been used. Just my cam and a RAW converter. Lots of experiments on my way to find and develop my own style, and just because sometimes something looked cool and worth shooting. : ) So have fun, enjoy, here again the links:

!!!! MY JAMAICA GALLERIES HAVE BEEN DELETED ON MY OLD BLOG AND CAN NOW BE FOUND HERE: http://www.marco-b.net/xart/photography/non-featured-galleries/traveling/ !!!!

Your Marco

It’s about time. It took me a while to even get started, so many things to do. Moving, getting organized, getting my PC to work and of course working itself. But in the last two weeks, every few days a few hours and finally all my pictures are processed. (Not one saw PS or GIMP)

Here we go, the first few pictures of my Jamaica trip in February. This are all black and white as well as sepia toned pictures. The rest comes tomorrow. And I might add a little story to it. But let’s see. Have to do some mans work, need to fix a closet that looks like sh*t. So don’t really wait for it. : )

Okay, now here we go! Have fun with:

!!!! MY JAMAICA GALLERIES HAVE BEEN DELETED ON MY OLD BLOG AND CAN NOW BE FOUND HERE: http://www.marco-b.net/xart/photography/non-featured-galleries/traveling/ !!!!

Your *Penwald ambidextrous* Marco

I somehow lost it, I run into a mess, maybe it was supposed to be like that. It’s weird, I don’t even care, numb I’m watching everything go by. How did I get here. I really can’t explain. Everything happened, one thing after another, one causes the other, nothing able to make me think, stop, no more self-control. Why should I? In this moments, very very seldom in the last time, there is no faith. Away is what I thought I felt for sure. I guess after all this I’m fallen by the first quest, the first challenge. I feel good now, I always do in the beginning, but where do I go? Just a few days ago… well maybe not.. I wanted to say I remember the strong guy, I remember how I was and how I’m not now. But I remember it wasn’t like this anymore. Something went wrong in a strange way. Somehow… maybe I felt long before I thought I did. Maybe I’m just diggin in the dirt because I have to get up. I’m just afraid to break down, not now, not where I am right now. But how can I get up? Do I have the power to do it all myself. Should I do it or should I rest, find some quiet spot, free off the big picture, the trouble, the insanity of being so close to everything. I was close, but I couldn’t reach it. The moment before, I didn’t make, I couldn’t do the next step, to slow, chaos reached my mind before. Now here I am, down, no need to stand. Sitting on the ground, leaning on a three. Watching over the field, looking down the hill where the city is hiding. No way, I won’t run fast now. I should stay here. It’s a good spot. I have to say, well I was close but there is no point in crying about this or even to try to reach out for anything. I should look into my pocket and see what I got. It’s not nothing. Am I able to be happy? Sometimes I surprise myself, yes I am, I am not just able, I really am happy. Isn’t it strange? Sometimes you really think you lost something, when it becomes to big, it grows faster then you do, it leaves the save world of your mind, it’s not longer the heart you’re talking to, it’s the sky. There is nothing in the sky, maybe there is but don’t look up to find it, look inside. My neck hurts, so long was I looking up but couldn’t find again. Anger because of this poisoned myself, no way to find. Now I’m here, had to cut a few ropes, had to let go, friends and lovers, mingling with the people, people I don’t know, people that are far. Far in a different sense - just physical, personal related - they seem much closer to me then anyone. Say hello to the stranger. Say good bye to your love. And to be honest it felt good, I found something, it was me. I was afraid of pain and suffering but surprised of the strong side of myself. Did I learn this on my travel, it is definitely something new. Hello my old friend, hello myself! Being on my own, I think it’s the only way for now. I can’t reach out anymore, can’t grab for any hand in the dark, why do I even close my eyes and dream? Open them and you will see! And I do see, this sellout of my soul has to stop. There are moments when I like to jump into the waves, into the cold water if you want. But I was long enough out there. Time to realize who I am again, time to realize what I deserve. Too many credits have been given from me. Sorry but that has to stop. I reached the border with experience and little adventures on the one and a senseless addiction-like behavior on the other side. It’s not always easy. Sometimes it’s really hard to say what is right or not, I can just listen to what I feel and what I think. So many thoughts are somewhere there in my head, I would like to bring them all on this paper right now but I can’t. That’s why I need this time, let’s see what me and myself is making out of it in the next weeks. One more thing, actually I would like to have one thing, one hand reaching for me, I do not think about anyone particular, not even about the circle of people I know. It’s just I do need a reason, there are a few little things that disturb me. Show me that I sit under this three, show me that I left the filthy ground, show me that I am here and now. I will probably skip something tonight. Another broken promise, two in this short time. I know, but I am tired. Writing all this words and finally I end up where every day begins. I would love to make a promise, but not tonight. I can’t I am too afraid of breaking it again. I would like to believe in my own promises, It would feel so good to promise now and to believe in it. But this week, it did not even survive seven full days. Not even close. Maybe it is meant to be. I don’t go to the gym when I’m sick, today I’m not sick but need some kind of healing. Maybe that’s it. I was so afraid of this day when I can’t do it anymore, when the only way to feel better is giving it up. It never happened that the resistance in me vanished, it was more the opposite, it felt always better as I overcome myself and finally did what I had to do but it became always harder as well. Let’s see how much will be left at the end. Weird last words, I know. … not meant to be for anyone reading this.

Marco

“Sitting here in this cinema at the exact same spot where we both once sat, it’s a special moment, I feel it’s a changing point. I have a little headache, my stomach is not that right. But waiting here for the movie to start, sitting in the almost empty room lets me see very clear. There is just very low music coming from behind the curtain, and a emotionless, routinized couple is whispering from behind, like the people in the doctors waiting room. It’s all about pain, heart and the brain.

Maybe it was last week, maybe my feeling was right. The suggestions to wait were wrong, last week was the closest point. After we missed it once, we really somehow made it again so close. But it wasn’t close enough, we missed this second chance.

Over a month now. The moon is getting small again. The air in the park, that surrounded us once so warm in this soft light is getting cold. Soon the trees will loose their leafs and no one wants to sit there anymore. It will be winter.

I’m supposed to be here. I saw all the signs, might it be destiny. I saw this destiny everywhere. The curtain falls, the light from the screen casts a quivering shadow on my notebook.

The movie starts.”

. . .

“I was thinking about it for at least a second, I wanted at least to leave the chance. But actually I wasn’t surprised, or even really expected you to come. It would actually mean more - something then anything else.”

After seeing it. Now I’m afraid. I feel fear as I never felt before. It’s hard and cold outside. Fear is all in myself. I see a girl screaming at a guy who seems to follow her. I wanted to go help her, help her blind. Of course I stopped walking and went to her. But what could I do anyway? It wouldn’t matter, finally she was safe. I think she wasn’t right, he was just some random guy passing her way. I continued walking ‘home’, the friends place. I had to find out who I am. Today I had to decide about my future, even if this decisions doesn’t matter now it showed me something. Right for now, if I had to decide what to do. Would I prefer it to keep it simple and light or intense and maybe overwhelming and crazy? I would choose for the harder way. I’m here for experience, I don’t talk about Canada. I AM HERE! I need to learn, bringing me into trouble, if I want it or not, finally helps me out. I welcome the unusual with open arms, welcome the pain, the suffer, the unexpected, the love, fear and every tear, especially the tear. If you would know what it means for me to cry! Maybe it’s all wrong, maybe I should choose the easy way. Right now I feel I’m on the limit, couldn’t take any more. But sometimes I wish to get back some of the trouble just to not to loose. I’m not a person who likes to be empty. Life should be full, full with all kind of stuff, most important at least a little love. Oh girl, I can’t believe it, this journey, you, taught me so much about love. Love, different kinds of love and loving.

My girl. I just want you to know. I love you! …but it is time. I need to say good bye! Take care of your self and be safe! Don’t forget the good moments, the special moments, the personal, even intimate conversations. We had not much time but as we were talking there was – something - we had in common. I know this part where we are the same is most important in our life, even if we can’t always let this part lead our life. Sometimes we have to get out and think. So do you, so do I. Good bye my love, good bye Winnie W.

We had a great time, I will probably love you for a long time but need to let go, at least I have to try.

..

And also all the others,

thanks to friends, brother, sister and sister. You were all so nice! I learned about you, I was able to learn about myself. Now it’s time to realize. I need to go into myself and see the truth, need to feell reality. Thanks again to all of you!

Winnie I love you!

Marco

I needed to give her what belongs to her since quiet a while. Something she should have. I don’t think she saw it, it made me sad. So many days before she can get it, so many days it has to wait alone. It made me so sad, it pushed me down like something more important happened, or didn’t happen. You may excuse my thoughts. Even worse is the thought she saw it, even worse is the idea she left it behind. How hard would it be. She should keep it, just for a while. Did she really overlook it?? My feelings, where are my feelings going? I feel love, I feel something similar to anger but it’s just something caused by this love. I go crazy about some ideas, go crazy seeing her with her new toy. Don’t let it be true… Is this crush for real? Who knows? I like the rare moments when we are in some way close. Very rare and just a glimpse. Not even something I could call real. I don’t know! Today came a moment, I felt things came too close, things became too strong and made me feel weak, made me feel bad. I was jumping in my mind and cut myself loose. Had to move on, move into chaos, chaos left by this love. I jumped to somewhere else and I felt it was right – at least for a while. Is this dangerous step the thing I should do? Last time as I had to forget someone I left my easy journey and went into the jungle, was hitchhiking in countries where you could still feel the war that was just over. I had to fight against the elements, against others, against myself. Had to clench my teeth to get trough. It was a few times so close, moments as I thought I’m going to die. Going to die - before this trip I had a few moments, moments of sickness, or even just from stuff I smoked etc. as I thought I might die. But it’s like love. It’s exactly like love. Before you really experienced love you’ll always second guess about it, you will think it might be it but it isn’t. It’s maybe close but no real ‘harm’. Well but as soon as you know… laying there in the middle of the jungle, just a little undeveloped village far away, no one around, almost midnight… I knew it – this was the moment. I am going to die! I thought how stupid and harmless where the moments of fever and palpitation I experienced before. I was so far from even get hurt, except my brain I guess. But there, I knew this was it. I can’t tell how did I know but I can tell how it was. You’re there, alone, in the beginning so afraid, then you get this knowledge, the knowledge, this is it! In this moment everything around drifts away. Normally you’re all worried about everything, your friends, your family and even your love. (Just the love I can’t confirm for sure.) Everything you could leave behind, leave unclear, untold… But in this moment it’s away, you know they all will be fine. It’s not important anymore. You’re there and much closer to something else. I panicked for the first few minutes. I couldn’t accept it, but then, the moment short before, I guess the moment as I was supposed to die. I calmed down. I was in peace, I could accept it – accept I will die. I was laying there, not longer fighting. I was ready. Didn’t cry. I let go. But somehow, I don’t know why something in me came back, a little strength. Somehow I(?) asked myself if I really want to die. And it was something strange that happened. I could think so logical and somehow I had the strength to answer and say – no! I don’t want to die! I was so sure about this and felt this was an important question. In this moment I lost awareness and fallen asleep. Next thing I remember was as I woke up next morning together with the first sunbeams. I was surprised and it felt so good. I felt good. My pain was gone, I could sense my legs, my body and skin again. I didn’t pee dark red, almost black blood anymore. Everything was fine and I wasn’t that weak anymore. I got appetite and could think about eating, even if I was out of food. Somehow I made it. Fuck, I remembered everything in this moment and knew, this was too close! It was a little decision at the end that kept me alive, brought me back. I never wrote about this in my blog, I just told a few people. So much happened in this last weeks of traveling Africa. Most of it is part of a story I’ll keep for me. No need to make my family and friends worry. (!!) But what I wanted to say, does it need to be this kind of experience again?? What can I do to revive?? Maybe I am alive, but just not fulfilled. Where is the love? I don’t want to be jealous. I want to be in love. I want her to be in love. I want her to feel the right thing. I want her to share with me, I want to share with her. Don’t leave it there, pick it up!

Have a good night you all.

Your Marco

I closed my eyes and disappeared, went to a different place, far away in my memories. I tried to imagine the beaches in Spain as I did it a couple times before. I would remember the sound of people sitting on the sand, coming back from the water, talking, relaxing. I would feel as I would be there, my feeling would change and I would be really there. But instead I found myself again and again in Africa, in Morocco, sitting late at night in this cafe, a town on the road, a place I didn’t know. The cafe of the waiting souls. Waiting for the day, remaining in the night. Waiting to get a lift, to finally reach my destination.

I tried to imagine the fear, thought there should be fear, thought there was fear but there was none. Alone in this country, I had to trust people around me, people I couldn’t trust before, had to trust myself and I wasn’t afraid. I liked it as I was there. I felt the joy of this thought. Being there was something more then being there. Something timeless and bigger. It seems to be a place where I come back again and again in my life. It was a unique night in my life. It is a unique part of my life. - something - was in the air.

As I opened my eyes. She was away too. In what strange situation we are! I had to laugh, was shaking my head. Look where we are. Two sleeper, two dreamer sitting in the same cold fluorescent illuminated room. Both looking from time to time. Once we missed us short. I could still feel the glimpse of her closing eyes diapering from my body.

That’s where we are now.

…

After that came the knowing, that anger and things I couldn’t understand. Almost can’t believe. How can things be so hidden. Why is there so much to know. I got to know million of faces but I’m sure with her there is just more and more. How much more do I have to experience before I can . . . let go?

Then today was hard. Yesterday anger, today everything seems to hurt, I felt some kind of pain. Couldn’t watch, couldn’t see. Everything disturbed me. I wished there is one guy I can blame for everything and smash his face until I feel down. Damn but it’s so difficult and much more complex then I wish it is.

She was pretty today, very pretty. It didn’t help much.

Two people, friends today told me something and it’s both so different. The one said I should . . . the other one said I shouldn’t . . . !

What should I do? Doing what feels right.

I should listen to the one friend because it felt it came from the heart. It meant something and I’m thankful. I don’t know if I can ever get there.

The End

from The Doors

”This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
Ill never look into your eyes…again

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need…of some…strangers hand
In a…desperate land

Lost in a roman…wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah

Theres danger on the edge of town
Ride the kings highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby

Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake…hes old, and his skin is cold

The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and well do the rest

The blue bus is callin us
The blue bus is callin us
Driver, where you taken us

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and…then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door…and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother…i want to…fuck you

C’mon baby, take a chance with us
C’mon baby, take a chance with us
C’mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin a blue rock
On a blue bus
Doin a blue rock
C’mon, yeah

Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

It hurts to set you free
But you’ll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die

This is the end”

Since my English is better and I can understand most of the songs I hear and sometimes I’m really surprised. I rediscover all the music I was listening as I was younger. It’s sometimes amazing how different the music is, now when I understand, compared to the time as I just got one or two lines right and maybe just liked the melody. I was never a very big fan of the Doors, I never was a big fan of Jimmy Hendrix. Compared to the other music I was listening to. There was just one Doors best of compilation and the Jimmy Hendrix ‘Life from Woodstock’ album I had in my shelf. Somewhere at home laying around under all this mess. It was not even a CD, I had it on tape. Jimmy on the one and the Doors on the other side. But I remember the song. I remember the situations related to it. The one endless night in the car as this songs changed my life. Where did time go? It’s a kind of dark memory. But a good one too. It was the tape I was listening to as everything began. I shall discover more of this songs soon.

Can’t believe I slept from the late afternoon until now. It’s 3:30AM. I’m sure I can’t sleep again now. I just give me an hour and then I’ll try it again.

The end. The end of our great childhood and youth we were able to share for so long and the beginning of a sometimes destructing thing called love and life. I should write another post for my best friend too. If everyone deserves this, for still after all this years, still and again - being my best friend. I love you for holding on to our friendship even as it was hard. Thank you! I understand you now more then ever, you know more about me then ever before. Danke für alles! Ich hoffe zu guter letzt ist alles Teil eines Plans und wir finden alle das Leben wieder. Hoffe bei dir läuft alles trotz der Umstände ganz gut. Bis bald mal!

Good night you all, in deep memory..

your Marco

Quote from today: “Everyone has/needs his own ‘juice’”

*

---

DAY ONE

- MEETING THE PAIN AND CRAZINESS -

---

*

SATURDAY MORNING – 09:03AM

It’s Saturday morning. I couldn’t sleep long. It was about 8:45am as I woke up. I’m already weak and powerless. But the night felt good. It was a very balanced sleep and no laying around as I woke up. Last time I was eating was yesterday around 2pm. I expect to clean myself a little today and tomorrow.

About her, I follow what she’s saying and writing. I can’t really understand. I seems in the same post she uses unclear words like ‘him’ for me and someone else. Just separated trough a few sentences. I wish my Chinese translation skills would be better, so I would know if I read this right. Anyway. It’s probably worthless anyway. But what I feel is that she’s angry at me, that she fights me and all my words and thoughts. She doesn’t want to listen is afraid my words make her change. My words don’t change anything, it’s just me! I haven’t give a reason to fight me, there is no reason to show where love is. I think I understand this. If you feel like to cling on something, to push something – I don’t care. I mean yes I do care and still - it hurts and takes a lot not to feel – but that’s the way.

Just think about. What’s wrong? What are you mad at, why do you keep fighting? Why do you have to push some things that are going on? I see how everything changed, you writing, your reaction since – unfortunately that night. You said you wanted to help as good as you can. Be there for me as a friend… Well, it seems you prefer to hurt, you want me to pay back for my self. Payback for things that aren’t supposed to feel like that. Well I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not my responsibility what you feel, . . . what you love, hate, miss or just lost. If you would just understand a bit more, if you would just be a bit easier, not so complicated and fixed to something that doesn’t do anything good for you. Thing could be so easy – special. Not we have to go through all this again.

I feel actually quiet good just my body is shaking a little because of all this thoughts. I even started building my new website. It’s a nice design. I had the draft already drawn before I had the one right now. I almost didn’t want to do it but still I feel it’s time. I might work on this toady to keep myself focused on something else. I might go for a walk if all power is gone. I’m looking forward to see you, even just for a bit. Just to loose a bit this monotone feeling I get here from the internet. Screen addicted I guess. If you prefer to meet earlier, would be fine with me. Just give me a call but not to late.

I’ll write more later on toady.

Bye now.

---

SATURDAY NOON - 12:12PM

In love - for a friend.

Hello Lucy!!

It’s a long long time ago since I wrote you, since our ways went apart. Right now I think it’s a good time to write you. Maybe coincidence or just curiosity what I’m doing brings you back here from time to time. It’s a good time now because things happened as you can see. It’s a good time now because I do my first fasting as I said I would. Even if it isn’t as long as it should. For this is just no time but it’s enough to get an idea. I miss your letters and could need them now. I remember that last one, the one that was supposed to be the first one – the one for today. I remember most of the words, I remember the story you told me about the dark alley. I loved this story, it was so much more. I would like to read it now but somehow I lost a few of you letters and this was one of them. But letters doesn’t matter as long as I still think about you from time to time. I will remember you as the angel who changed my life and was part of me for so long. I remember as the Virgen de la Luz was watching over our heads. The time we had in between was good and necessary. We both knew this, we both knew what was going one. In this case, even if we might have lied. We understood.

I’m looking forward to see you one day when my journey is finished. At least my travels, I guess my journey is never ending. And that is good! I know all this here will shake me a bit more and when I’m close to home I might need some time. I’s just amazing how much happened since I left and I just can imagine the amount that will come. There is almost no time to see through all this. Raw moments of enlightenment show me how far I already went and deep inside I’m already feeling that I’m grown to more then just the person who left a few years ago. It seems I’m more and more my own words, my dreams and my own story. It’s not just simple words anymore. I feel it’s me, I’m so close to myself. I accomplished to finally find what was always there. I wasn’t lying as I said who I am and who I want to be. I never was because now I think I can see. I can see myself in the mirror and start to recognize, almost start to love. I feel a strong heart, a strong brain and mouth and eyes who can show that this is really me. I just imagine how I could feel with my hands and body.

I still dream from the mountains near you. I still need to go. At the end of my journey it will be the right time. It will be lonely but I won’t feel lonely because I will have me and all my thoughts and memories I need to write down. One day I will come down. I guess it takes me a winter and the spring will welcome me as being free. It will be the end of my travel and since the mountains won’t be far you might be the first who can read it. I owe you this. That’s what I know. I hope you will be there.

I wish you something. Be happy and lucky because thats the Lu I met!

My Lucy Lu!

Your Marco

…your Mr. Marco B : ) I probably can’t wait until you’ll find it by chance…

[Lucy I just found this letter - you wrote it so much earlier then I thought!! I'm going to read it right now!!]

---

SATURDAY EARLY AFTERNOON – 2:04PM

Back from the shower, cleaned from the dirt and smell of last night. It’s time to get out of here. I need something else to see. Sun would be a beginning. I just hope it isn’t too exhausting. I feel powerless from time to time and need to lay down, to rest for a few minutes before I can go on. I have a little headache but I think it’s because of this room here. I liked it so much in the beginning, now I feel stuck in this windowless surrounding. I need light and air! Well let’s see how the city treats me. Let’s see how this day can be my friend.

See you later I guess.

---

SATURDAY AFTERNOON – 4:55PM

In the city…

As I left the house I felt weak, not strong and unsure how to handle the day. But some moments where I could show, I can be strong changed everything. I heard music different then ever before. Normally short melodies were extended to long, I was listening what the music had to say and it went direct into me. I became stronger…

Now music is faster, louder. Cuban melodies play my imagination, my fantasy. My memories as I was unbound, stranger on a long undefined road of daylie adventures came back. I’m finally home. People dancing around me. Oh my god, I am dancing – what is happen?? What is going wrong – what is going right?? Sweet music take me away!

The meeting with her was short and friendly. I didn’t want any more. I guess it was supposed to be like that. But it doesn’t matter now. Now I’m here. The sun is hot and heating up my skin. I get burned right now. I love it! Music take me away!

Cuba I never been there but I know it is a place to go. Far away from the tourist beaches, that’s where I will find! That’s where this music really comes from. Many times walked ways but never seen places…

I wish we could share this. I wish you were here and would experience the same! I never had the chance to share feelings like this. This is new for me, less then two years old. I wish we were closer.

I wish we could share the same melody, play the same song.

We should dance! Did you ever dance?

‘De Alto Cedro voy para Marcan
Llego a Cueto, voy para Mayar

El cario que te tengo
No te lo puedo negar
Se me sale la babita
Yo no lo puedo evitar

Cuando Juanica y Chan Chan
En el mar cernan arena
Como sacuda el jibe
A Chan Chan le daba pena

Limpia el camino de paja
Que yo me quiero sentar
En aqul tronco que veo
Y as no puedo llegar

De alto Cedro voy para Marcan
Lleg a Cueto voy para Mayar’

The band is playing a mix between Cuban music and some classic rock.

‘Back magic woman’ with a salsa twist sounds funny to me…

I need to go. But before I will have a look at the souvenirs.

. . .

I just came back…

Well now. Now I got a real issue. I just got the news that the guy who is renting me the room just signed with other people. That means he’s moving out here at the end of this month. That’s what I have to do now as well. So, well, I will be sitting on the street. What kind of faith is this? I just think about, I hope I can get a reservation at the hostel I was staying in the beginning. But I hate this place, this will bring me so far down. I just started to be really productive and so. Now sharing the room with up to nine other guys for a too expensive price. Waste of money, waste of time. What should I do with all my stuff. [Well, but this won't be a problem since I just found out almost every hostel is is for most of the days booked out!!!] Damn! Is there someone else out there looking for a roommate??? Well living with her would be perfect now since the guy is giving most of his furniture away… It never fits. If the one thing is solved the other makes trouble. Damn. This city is pushing me out of here. Damn, what to do? [Now I'm really thinking what to should, can do! Can't believe now that she changed her mind in the last second after everything was so clear and looking good. Head shaking...]

. . .

Chan Chan…

It’s my world… I just feel it

---

SATURDAY EVENING - 7:30PM

Hello Tony.

It’s probably unexpected that I write you this way and maybe strange too. But it’s a strange time anyway – not just since a few month. I guess we all could call this a strange time. I said I will write you or stop by and tell you how things are going. I choose this way because I just want her and others to see my concerns right now. It’s important to me. OK, so far… I didn’t get anything related to photography as I wanted in the beginning, not even a job in a camera store. I don’t even think I want to work in a camera store. Actually, no - I don’t want. But I didn’t give up. I gave Toronto a chance. I started washing dishes on a weekend, then packing muffins in a factory outside of the city, and then almost two more month as a dishwasher again. At least the money was good, but the work and hours terrible. Even if I almost needed it, 60 to 70 hours a week seems hard but can be a relief. I call it experience, experience I don’t want to repeat right now. Well but finally since I’m still educated in IT I got a job as technician at Staples. It’s OK, at least I can use my brain, the people are good and I had enough free time to work on my own. I found some very creative people I could share some of my interests. Since a few month then things really got better. I got a kind of life, a kind of life I wished. I started writing again, finished a new website and was working on all kind of stuff. I read books and stuff and finally I had the chance to start with photography again. I’m running around with an old Leika 35mm SLR with a lens that has issues with the aperture, so that I have to shoot everything with F16… But still, I enjoy it because this makes me really think about the results. From time to time I pass your place and I like the pictures you made. I wish I could express myself, me feelings, my hope, wishes and - my ego trough pictures more. Everything that my pictures would show is done and doesn’t need to be a part of me anymore. But I’m working on it. Right now I’m into writing. I guess it’s the best way to express myself right now but it’s sometimes difficult.

I remember as I came to Canada, with big expectations and finally I had to lower down a bit. Keep it real I guess. As we met I was a kind of impressed by your appearance. To be honest I was disappointed not to learn from you. I’m not just talking about photography. There are many photographers out there. I saw something different. I guess it’s my search for some kind of father person. Even if I don’t like to admit it. I wish from time to time that other people, people I can valuate highly could have a stronger influence on me. But I guess we’re all on our own when it comes to the important questions in life. After we met I was talking to some friends in the hostel I was living and told them I found a great person.

Strange, I just feel like talking about all this right now. I have a hard time because everything seems to fall apart. I decided not to eat over the weekend just to get my brain clear. I guess that’s part of it.

I was just thinking how would things be. Would it be different, would I be a better person, or let’s say would things be better if I had the chance to learn from you or strong people like you? I don’t know. Can’t tell for sure. Things never end up as we want it. They end up always different. There is never a big change in our life except if we fight for it, if we are willing to give up for it. Sometimes I still hope from time to time things will be different. It would be cool if you have time to drop a few lines, write me a message, you have my address or leave a not here if you want to.

Ich rufe von Zeit zu Zeit hinaus in die Stille und hoffe auf Antworten, Loesungen, vielleicht auch nur auf die richtigen Fragen. Es passiert selten das etwas kommt zurueck, wenn nicht nur das Echo.

Meine Gruesse,

Marco

---

SATURDAY LATE EVENING / NIGHT – 9:19PM

She couldn’t give me an answer. She just left.

It was such a long day. Can’t believe that all this happened today. It’s a endless story and this was just day one. Tonight it will be the end of something. Last week I told a friend this week, everything will be rebound, from shoes, over feelings and foot to people and especially me. Rebound cats, rebound pasta, rebound hope, rebound love, rebound me. A few people even got me to know as Marco Rebound Boerner. Haha. But now he just told me today, or was it yesterday? It isn’t allowed for me to be REBOUND for more then a week. So this night - midnight - I will be just Marco Boerner. I’m happy with this. At least I am. ; ) …I AM

Now it’s time for me to get out, I need a walk, some fresh air before I might try to sleep. I’m sure I will wake up earlier then today and the day will be harder. It will be an endless forth and back. I’m looking forward to some pasta, tomato sauce, maybe a steak with rice for tomorrow night, as soon as the sun went down.

I don’t know about all this, I just know it doesn’t matter what I do I still like her. Can’t even think about my living situation right now, can’t even think about anything else even if it would be important. Can just think about her. All day, all night. Take my love and give me a friend – be more! Why can’t it work like this? I still keep it quiet. I know, hard to believe. You saw someone great, someone special and I wanted you to get to know who is behind, how deep it can go. You met me now. I think I know you as well. I wished I could look behind your dark eyes. I wished I could see, could be part of what’s there. I would like it. But right now. Looking in your eyes would be enough. Just for a second, another glimpse. Another part of you, another part of what is mine.

Have a good night 0%

---

SATURDAY NIGHT – 10:37PM

From the bridge where I was going…

‘THE RIVER I STEP IN IS NOT THE RIVER I STAND IN’

I walked over this bridge looking for silence but stayed over the highway in the middle of the lanes. The cars went so fast, hundred of souls. I was watching the movement, looking into the lights. As I left I saw the river, better a dirty channel, the quiet railroad, a dark street with just a few cars, artificial green illuminated gardens surrounded by high fences. Also the bridge was busy. Streetcars made the ground quaking, more fast cars, people and me.

I’m so hungry now. I don’t think I can sleep.

Just on the other side of the bridge there was nothing, a big empty field and some green. I could hear the locusts and felt the silence over there. I would enjoy silence.

Helicopter, lights on the sky, everything is moving. I’m not part of this city – it drives me crazy! I wish you were my retreat. I need you as the person to go and let go. To take it easy, light and soft.

Back in the building everything smells good. I can smell the food from every door.

It’s silly that I still hope one day she might want to talk a bit more, about something more. And I wished she would knock on my door one day – since I knocked on hers for too long. She does not even know where I life. If you ever want to talk.. don’t even know the number, big building on St Lawrence Street and King - #108 . . It’s silly to write this but it’s a kind of faith thing I have in mind so long. I just needed to write this.

Have a good night again and if you really feel as I do now. I’m sorry again!

Marco – someone who needs you!

*

---

DAY TWO

- THE FINAL DAY -

---

*

SUNDAY MORNING – 9:50AM

I woke up 7:45 but stayed in bed until 9:15. Today I didn’t want to get up because I was afraid that things are like at the end of yesterday. I felt it was terrible. Except the feelings for her… First of all today, my internet wasn’t working, this was a shook but I could fix it. Some very nice mails where waiting for me and made the beginning of this new day much better.

I’m a bit worried this morning about my living situation. I need to make a plan. I hope I can find something not to far from work. Winter is coming and if I’m planing to stay I don’t want to walk for ages trough the snow. But it’s not easy to find something. Especially if you had already what you needed. I’m just not good at this. I can find you everything in the internet, from electronic, downloads, a good dentist, the cheapest flight etc. I’m actually pretty good in research – that’s what I did from time to time for my old employer in Germany, before the army… but I never had luck in finding longterm accommodations. I’ll look for hours and nothing shows up. I have a kind of bad luck with this. Unfortunately.

Let’s see how this day is going. I’m hungry and look forward for tonight.

See you soon!

Marco - not longer rebound.

---

SUNDAY NOON – 12:35PM

I go crazy with her! It seems we just follow some kind of pattern. Nothing is real anymore. We handle as we told to do, we handle as we saw it somewhere but nothing is true. And the bad thing is – we do remember the patterns but we don’t know how to go from the one to the next. Somehow this information is missing in our brain. We can’t even tell if anything will be the right thing. There is no proof because all this is made out of someones fantasy!

Now I’m threaten her. The best moment for me is the worst for her. It’s like to little points coming together in the universe, they came closer and closer, crossed each others way but we were to fast, wrong timing, the angel was wrong. So we couldn’t hold each other and make our ways to one strong line. We both went apart as fast as we were coming together. No turnaround now. Distance will grow and grow. Our ways, thoughts – everything more and more different. We missed the point and drift away, shoot away into the infinity.

What a bad end.

…I just wanted to know the truth but from everywhere things show up and tell a different story.

---

SUNDAY EARLY AFTERNOON - 1:11PM

You know, long long time ago there was a girl and she took me one thing. She took me the believe in messages. I can’t believe in the untold hidden things anymore. Since then there was just one way, I became the messenger. To still keep believing in this I had to write. Everything I wrote has it’s message because that way I know it isn’t just imagination. I see the messages because I write them. But since I lost this believe I won’t see what other trying to say in between the lines. I’m fighting for the clear truth against every feeling that shows different things, because the things between made me crazy ones, even if I still try to find. I’m not open for anything else and I’m not sure if this will ever heal. I’m going to write my messages but it will take a lot to ‘talk’ to me. It seems I lost one of the most exciting, most hidden parts of interhuman communication. At the cost of very valuable persons, friends, . ..

---

SUNDAY EARLY EVENING - 6:55PM

She was looking good today! Fresh and pretty like newborn.

I just came from the city. Had an exhausting walk to downtown behind me. I felt really powerless this time. I was a kind of nervous. I was thinking I hope my condition doesn’t screw anything but I also thought if I can make it like that I can achieve much more. So and I think things went out good. It seems, call it faith or not.. Can’t talk about believing right now. But I just payed first and last for the my new room in Chinatown, close to the Kensington area where I wanted to be. Close to things I like.

I’m close to happy now!

Can’t believe all that what happened so far. It’s been around 53 hours without food, it’s been around one week since the one night, it’s been around a month since it came stronger, it was more then two month ago since I realized you and since got you to know, it’s around four month ago since I saw you first, for seven month I came to Canada, eight month ago I left the boat, over a year ago I left Africa, before that I left Europe and it was in August 2006 as I left Germany to experience something completely new and different.

…A few hours left before I can eat. I’m looking forward to this special “What to cook” because I already know. I smelled every little source of food on my way back home, I’m so excited how it will taste! It should be great! I don’t even cook something special, just something easy and good!

So things went out OK - finally. Thanks to some good friends, thanks for all the mails. Thanks that others could believe as I was struggling!

They are going to break a window in my new room! It was windowless but I will get some light and green in front of my new place!

As I went back everything felt good, light and easy. A baby was looking at me and smiling. I could understand in this moment and would take the life as easy as this little human can do. If you feel good, just don’t think – feel good. I followed the baby’s eyes and was looking at the sky. A beautiful blue sky with little white clouds. It’s so long and it felt so good.

I just enjoy this feeling for now.

And you.

. . .

Thank you!

---

SATURDAY NIGHT – 9:12PM

It is done now!

It was exactly 9PM as I finished with my dinner. Wow, I feel different now. It was good. I feel like sleeping and going to bed. I eat so much, almost too much. I just found out I guess I was a bit blind as I started cooking. My roommate offered me some food because he cooked for all but I was so eager to get enough food that I said no. I made pasta and tomato sauce, over this I put three slices of cheese and I can’t believe it myself, over this three eggs over easy. I mean I have to say everything went out great but I felt already guilty while I was eating it. (I almost think it was against faith. I’m afraid to ask if it could show me that is was OK and exactly the right thing to do…) But still I was so hungry. I just forget about the dinner and feel good now. I feel good. Let’s see how my body will take it. What he had to offer, by the way. It sounds now perfect to me. He had about seven of this little gourmet potatoes left, one slice of fish and a whole pot with mixed salad. Good salad, looking very fresh and crunchy. It might have been the better meal. But that’s done. I guess I’m going for a walk, maybe take a streetcar downtown and come direct back. In the next time. I will eat healthy. This experience showed me this. It’s the better way of life. So far, amazing weekend. It was endless long and it’s still not over.

---

SUNDAY BEFORE MIDNIGHT – 11:50PM

I walked again the long way along the streets of the town. Just to meet your number. I had again in mind where my window will be. I didn’t want to knock on your door this time, didn’t want to call. I was just the messenger and it wasn’t just a dream. I was really there. Not noticed by you like the other day before we met in the park, but this time I came alone.

On my way back I went the way pass the park. First I wanted to walk trough it again but then I decided just to pass, just to have a look. But as I saw this place it seemed to be magic. I saw the bench where we were talking under the warm yellow light. I just had to go in. Now I sit here at the same place, get bitten by mosquitoes again. I did not even notice that last time until the next day. It’s a mystic place, so powerful and romantic. I don’t think about the past. I just imagine you were here. But the place is empty, just the green bench reflects the yellow light and makes a glowing spot where you were sitting that night. I don’t even remember that light was there before, not as bright as today.

Yes you gave me something that day. You don’t need to feel bad about it, not angry nor sad. You really gave me a souvenir. You don’t need to be angry because I asked you. I need to be thankful because you gave. That makes you a good person, instead of me. There is no reason to be awake. You have the right to sleep because even if you doubt it you heart is on the right spot. Thank you my girl!

---

SUNDAY - MIDNIGHT

Sit me on a park bench by midnight and moonshine and I will be a romantic!

I like the noise that silence makes

Pasta, cheese and the eggs. Actually it was the right decision! Man that was just good! As a man I need this food.

I like this energy now. Making step by step and no need to worry about.

My conclusion for the weekend – WOW!

Tomorrow I will get me one of these super tasty $8 chicken sandwiches from the coffee shops. Yummy!!

The radio plays:

“I’m still alive

Hey I, I, I, I’m still alive, yeah”

Keeping balance while dancing over the stones in front of my place. No problem!

“I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, but, I’m still alive”

Now the day is over, the day is done. Thanks again to who was with me that days!

Your Marco – reborn and flying around. It almost feels as I would get my wings back!

*

“Alive”

Son, she said, have I got a little story for you

What you thought was your daddy was nothin’ but a…

While you were sittin’ home alone at age thirteen

Your real daddy was dyin’, sorry you didn’t see him, but I’m glad we talked…

Oh I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey, I, I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey…oh…

Oh, she walks slowly, across a young man’s room

She said I’m ready…for you

I can’t remember anything to this very day

‘Cept the look, the look…

Oh, you know where, now I can’t see, I just stare…

I, I’m still alive

Hey I, but, I’m still alive

Hey I, boy, I’m still alive

Hey I, I, I, I’m still alive, yeah

Ooh yeah…yeah yeah yeah…oh…oh…

Is something wrong, she said

Well of course there is

You’re still alive, she said

Oh, and do I deserve to be

Is that the question

And if so…if so…who answers…who answers…

I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, but, I’m still alive

Yeah I, ooh, I’m still alive

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

*

*

---

- THIS IS THE END . . . MY ONLY FRIEND … -

THE END

---

*

Well. So a few words about the last days. Everything seemed to be normal. Still some feelings, but I could accept.

I learned a lot I guess. First of all I have to apologize to someone else. The French girl I had some feelings for a while ago and finally left Toronto today, at least for a while. She gave a kind of good bye party. She invited me but in the beginning, still suffering from another source of pain I thought it will be stupid. I was still not feeling good seeing her and seeing the guy she was dating. The one I was writing bad about. But then since the day as I realized that all this trouble is useless. I decided to go. I met her and the others in a bar, saw friends I haven’t seen since a while and it was quiet cool. It felt good because some of the people were the first I met here in Canada. I was surprised that I could talk to some people I would never have thought that I would like them. Anyway, finally we could forget what was and I had a friendly good bye for her.

Work… work is as usual… It will be a bit less stress since I’m done in Mississauga, where I was working three times a week in the last weeks. It was OK there but nothing for long. I heard a rumor that they are thinking of offering me a full time position… but I don’t even know if this is true. Anyway. Let’s see how work will be in the next time. I need to get used to the normal life again. Even at work everything was a bit changed. I was never there and when I was there it took me long to get back into my routine. I feel a bit like a renegade.. : ) But since last Sunday I was supposed to be rebound… I might explain later…

Unfortunately I just got the news that I won’t move into the new apartment. That’s a kind of trouble for me and well, it makes me think again how I should remain with everything. As I decided to stay in Toronto everything seemed fine. Now, everything is changed. Can’t even recognize myself someday. The clear melody I was playing seems now crackled and jarring. What causes all this?

I just hope I can find the right notes and play a good solo for the next time. : )

The girl… mmh. It’s strange too. Don’t know where we are heading. First she went away, then it was me, then we found us as friends and now? Now it seems she’s drifting again. I said I learned a lot in the last time and I guess it’s not over. I just felt myself in a confident situation where I wouldn’t loose a friend but now. Now it’s getting cold and on distance. I didn’t want it so far and I didn’t saw it coming. The new picture I draw right now is about two people who talk less and less until they remain mute to each other. That makes me worry because now it’s a total loss. I liked at least talking to her, writing with her, but something just came in between. It’s like a voice was whispering in her ear, telling her what to do because it doesn’t feel as it was her. I finished with my voices a while ago. I was a bit upset. I’m still a bit now but writing in a small dose might help. . . . I feel something else I wouldn’t like is coming. . . . While I’m trying to move on, she still tries to make me understand that I’m not the one. While I ask for a friendship that means something, she’s telling me she’s not attracted to me. I don’t know what’s going on.

My writing is fucked up today. It’s a mess. I’m tangling(?) around my feelings and what’s inside just to keep things the way they are. She might be right. And I probably was wrong with everything I said since I was talking about giving up a believe when the feeling is wrong. Maybe it was a test and I didn’t pass. I should have gone to the west as I wanted it. Now I feel I jailed myself to things like friends, work, emotions and my dreams I can’t carry out. Maybe it isn’t the right place for my dreams. Maybe I’m done and my mind already gone. Normally in this situation I say to myself, I would challenge something much bigger. Kind of supernatural I’m talking to when I say: ’show me something different, show me that even now everything can work out right!’ But it never happened. I found out since a long while, there won’t be an answer. This sentence, this last prayer dedicated to faith and probably the undefined appearance of a god is just the sign. The sign that it is done! There won’t be anything else. Nothing will come from here now. Sometimes I was happy about this because I also say this in fear, this time I’m a bit unhappy because I say it out of hope. OK. I accept my faith.

Now I don’t have any feelings about anything at all.

I should give another friend a call and ask if she still wants to move together. That would mean living close to the Rockies and hopefully working in a boring job as a receiver for some kind of company. At least the payment would be better. But I know how it will be. I had energy for this last month. Now. No way, even this will not work. I’m getting all miserable now. Mission ‘drying out’ accomplished. You know I planed to keep things confident but I just wrote someone and I feel that this shows much better what’s going on in my brain. Here I’m so controlled in my writing, I can’t feel free. My mind says me I should stay in this, keep it simple and easy – emotionless. But another part says I should go back to the me that was feeling. I mean since I got the full load of rejection now. Since everything is done and nothing to work for. Why should I be a likely person, why should I be a good friend? I should cry some more. Go back to where it hurts. I guess then I could understand. I turn in circles since the last two hundred words. I felt really good the last days. Being the one that understands, being the one she understands. Being a good friend even with something still around that she doesn’t like to call love. But now? I apologize if the following message will be a kind of direct, but I can’t hide you here. I’m one my own.

Read this and see how you made me to a piece of stone. It’s not even pretty, it’s not even long. Not intense and overwhelming.

“Well, things went out different. I guess you’re right this would be a too strange situation. [0%] just called, she doesn’t want to move together. She changed her mind, made her decision. She sounded different, almost unfriendly. Don’t know, I really don’t know what happened. Why I deserve this. I think she blocked her Facebook profile as well so that I can’t see what she’s doing. That’s even more strange. I’m getting all confused now. Somehow I feel that I made something wrong. I see bad things building up around me. It’s almost supernatural. If I’m right I’m almost tempted to leave Toronto. Maybe next month, maybe at the end of next week… Now it’s hell, now I’m back where I was long long time ago. Didn’t even remember how it was, did not even think that this feelings are still here…
I tried since a while to find the right words for my general feeling. I think I just found them. I’m going to blog some of the stuff I just wrote…
Sorry that I keep pulling you into this… I feel like a rock, more like a slate…”

This will be the last for a while. I’m going to fast this weekend if I don’t feel too bad in the first hours. I have the next days off, so this would actually be fine. I know I could understand it, actually I do but somehow I don’t have the power to build on this. I don’t have the reason. You took everything.

I read a book right now. It’s actually a very stupid book, at least I don’t like the people’s ways in there. They all might find out that they will miss something in life one day. It’s call ‘The Game’, a book about pick up artists. As I saw the book first I just read the words secret and artists and was excited to read something about special people related to art. I never saw a book like this before. Maybe if it would be the book I thought it will be I would be a different person now. All the people who saw me with the book as I ask about it were reacting strange then I read again and realized what the words ‘pick up’ meant. OK, I still decided to read it. I liked the author because he wrote the Manson book I just finished. He’s telling more or less his story in this book as he was exploring the pick up artist scene. It’s good written but this people are just lost in unreal things. But I have to admit there were a few things that made even sense for me. Things that could be in a book dedicated to the one who really love. I remember reading how to react when she says no. Well, I just wrote about it once but I never followed what was said. Number two was something I just felt that this is maybe right and the only way to do. You have to risk loosing her when you really want to show her how you feel. Even if you feel bad. I did this a few times, can almost say many times and well, now – I just lost her. The other thing was meant to be the misogynic way to finally do the last step. I wished I would had read this part just one day earlier and it might have changed my life. Under all this worthless comments there was one description I liked. One thing that was missing in me, one thing that a father person, a best friend, someone else should have told me long time ago. It’s about how to really kiss a girl. How to overcome the inner fear. How to just let go. When I read it now it doesn’t even sound so good as I read it first time. It might be because I don’t have that night in my head anymore. It’s about how you just stop talking, how you just look in each others eyes and how you overcome the last few inches that represent everything, from love, fear, you whole life, her and anything else. When you really feel, this are the hardest inches a man has to go trough.

I don’t feel like being a friend anymore. That night was the best that happened for both of us. I was happy I could tell you everything I wanted. I was happy not to remain mute. It meant a lot to me that I was able to talk to you. It was something different. Something was in the air, I agree. We had something. I know you like to fight this but I just don’t care. I tried to handle this as an adult but I’m probably to young. I got even more disliked as an adult as anytime before. So I know where I belong to. I know where I have to go trough. I wish I had the right friends right now who could give me the right advice. But even my loved best friend back home might not be able to help me here. He’s going trough something else right now and I just wish he finds a way and keeps on going. So that’s what I wish for me as well. I came flying, one day my wings got burned and I was falling, hoping the one girl, the one who just got wings would help me up - but we missed. Crashed together, she hold me for a second before she pushed me away. Now here I am, I gave up everything in the last month. Myself, my writing, even feeling and loving, some of my music, my color, finally her, just to see she’s giving me the rest. Just let me go now. Let me feel, let me get some of the feelings back I lost. I prefer to suffer as I should have done it the whole time. It’s not meant to be any different.

Give me the time I need. The time I need right now.

It is me. Marco Boerner

I’m really into my life in the last time. It seems to be that somehow I proofed that this way, rhythm of life is able to keep me alive from now until the day I die. My life is so strong, has such a strong influence on my self that even if I run some risks it’s hard to get lost. I will stay like I am, where I am. Everything remains the same. That’s somehow great. I had some situations in the last time, some changes but the main remains the same. I actually like my job, that’s a big surprise for me. I really like it working at Staples. The people there are great and as long as it stays busy I have really fun. My personal life, most of the time I stay at home. Sitting in front of the screen. But this doesn’t bother me so much since I’m working around 40 hours a week. From time to time I go out, do this and that. I also started cooking from time to time. So everything seems to be OK.
But somehow, there are things missing, certain things are difficult to do right now. Changes, new things, creativity. I have some bad habits I would like to change but there is no power, no motivation t do it. There is no reason to do it since everything is working so good.
Things I planed to do are just forgotten.
Things I wanted to do as I came to Canada are far away.
Things I hoped to do as I left Germany for my big self finding trip are almost lost.
What was it, why was this? I’m afraid. I know I had big plans, I had expectations and I believed, had almost knowledge that I will reach all my goals because I had this goals in mind every day. I was working on this goals since years before I even left Germany. But now? When I see my life now, I see the life of others in a similar position and I start to be afraid. Is this it? Is this now my life? I will slowly move on in my job, get promoted every couple of years, get more money, improve myself. Build my life… I also started thinking about family, I never thought so serious about family. I developed a deep wish to have children. I thought about living my life like that. It doesn’t sound so bad, actually it sound good, I grow up but I feel from time to time a strange uncomfortable feeling in the background thats knocking on my door louder and louder.
Then I started thinking about my dreams, my hopes and all the great things that are supposed to be the main part of my life. Then I thought how this main parts move from the walls of my apartment into the basement of my future house and then I saw myself packing up this dreams into boxes to make space for garden equipment, tool and the bicycles from my kids. Later on I put this boxes into the attic and I almost forgot about them as my almost grown up children ask my about it as they put there old schoolbooks into the attic. Here they were again, my dreams and hopes. I opened this old boxes and looked at all this drawings, notebooks, things that meant all to me as I was young and I just had to cry because I knew they were lost. Forgotten, a part of my past and a big piece of my heart. Who would, could I be if I had followed my dreams? Who is the person I had become? What happened to me in the last 25 years? Where is Marco Boerner???
Now I’m here. I still have my drawings, notebooks and it still means a so much me. I like my job, my apartment, my surrounding, even some parts in my self are so good as never before. For example this morning, beginning with last night I almost experienced something that I have to call self-awareness. That was new, I had really great insights in the last years but this was spacial because it seems to heal a scar from the very beginning of my young life. And this are scars that sometimes keep us our whole life from being.
But even this, since a few weeks I rethink, I recalculate my possibilities or I just feel something and somehow I know I need to find my way. I need to find my strength, my confidence and believe that everything will be OK if I try. I’m not as faithful as I was but there is still something glowing, something alive in me that keeps me going, trying, willing to risk again, to give up again, to finally grow again.
I can’t allow myself to waste anymore - I need to experience. I wish I had some kind of mentor that can show me my way. I met just a very few people on my journey able to be my mentor or at least a influence in my life. I stopped looking for this special kind of people since a while ago. The last one I met was in February and even if I wished from this person to influence my life, it didn’t work out. Maybe that’s what brought me down. Things just didn’t work out in the beginning. I didn’t get the experience I wanted as easy, or actually not at all. So I gave up. I headed into another direction. Of course, when I see it now. Dish washing, factory work and now my new apartment and the great job at Staples. Somehow it’s a great experience and opportunity. Sometimes life might know better what experience are from higher value and more important to make right now then the one I think. That’s what happened. But it’s not enough. I WISH I CAN GO BACK. I wish I could track down my old trail. I wish I could go back with the knowledge I got in the last weeks, month, years.
Let’s forget about the girl stories, the cooking and stuff like this. I would love to be back in school. Back on the road, let me be freshman again. How far back would I go. What would I change. Maybe nothing, but I just would like to have more time, more of the early days.
I compare my life right now with walking in the streets of cities. I liked Toronto in the beginning. The way from the bus station to the hostel was great. I couldn’t sleep in the bus from New York to Toronto so I was a kind of tired. It was six in the morning and winter. Still used to the weather in Spain and still the freezing New York in my head I expected it to be like in a frozen hell. But I was surprised. It was short past six in the morning and a few degrees over zero, it felt much warmer then in NYC. The streets were calm and the city looked very clean, also the buildings looked better, all was new and had this positive influence on my mute. But after a while Toronto started to be boring. When you walk from A to B it’s almost impossible to get lost, you almost wont discover anything new or exciting.
I remember one day I found a little hidden park with a little labyrinth in the middle and a church, called Trinity Church close by. I felt in love with this little place, it was so different. It was green, cars were far away and I could hear birds. First time since month I started writing again and first time since month I felt myself. It’s difficult to explain but it seems that here in the city you are just so used to keep a kind of distance to everyone because everywhere is someone around and next to you. You are so used to this distance that you loose not just the contact to the others you might as well loose the contact to your self and wont realize it, until you find yourself accidental - first time after a long period. Like in this park. I went since then every couple days to this park. I took of my headset, turned the music of and when the street noise disappeared and I heard the trees and first birds I could breath deep. My knees started to be soft like I was walking on a holy ground. It was a holly very magic place. Sometimes just a few seconds there gave me so much energy back, I was relaxed, myself again. Bye the way until today I never walked that labyrinth. I said I will keep this for a special moment. Unfortunately I live now in another area, the funny thing is not far from here there is another little church, also called Church of the Holly Trinity. Like the last days in Tarifa and around as the Virgin de la Luz was watching over me, here it seems to be the Holly Trinity. … One day I will walk this labyrinth.
But back to the streets of Toronto and not just Toronto, almost every Street in North America. It’s impossible to get lost. Everything is organized in squares and parallel roads. There are just four directions to go. North, South, East and West. So even if you missed a street you just take the next and you are back.

A few hours later*

Where is the adventure, the challenge of this? I like to get lost a bit from time to time. I like to follow a small path to another part of the city. I love to discover secrets, something I haven’t seen before, something that seems like no one ever experienced this as I do in this moment. That’s what I love on European cities. There are secrets and a kind of personality and character in every street. There are small ways, old buildings, rivers, hidden parks, and more little streets. You just walk and you can get lost in a second if you want and follow the footsteps of people who walked there hundred years ago. You can find lost history, you will be part of the history, an individually part. … You got it, I miss Europe. But what I mean is I need more then four times 90 degrees, four directions in my life – my head. I need this hidden parts, surprises, and things to discover. That’s what gives me motivation, that’s what gives me creativity.

* Well now, what happened in this hours in between of my post. I had enough from writing and my nice but windowless room. So I went to Chinatown. My plan was more or less to buy some fruits but actually I just wanted to be out and I like the Kensington area. It was a bit of an achromatic day, the weather said thunderstorm but it stayed dry and I found it quiet nice. I really enjoyed to be out. As I got there I discovered a little grill and BBQ bar. There was a rock band playing. It was nice. I sat down on a post mailbox and was listening to the music. The band members where all older, some kind of ‘basement band’. We had that topic already today but it was nice to see and even more a pleasure to hear. Somehow it sounded like a collage rock band. The guitar wasn’t that clear all time, sometimes they missed the score but overall I loved it, maybe because of that. I almost got depressive. I was thinking about going back to University just to get the chance to go to concerts like that. But then I remembered a time back in Germany, it was a great time.
We were young, everything was new and fun. We were not thinking about the serious side of life, didn’t had to think about future. I was listening to Manson, walking around in black cloth, had long black hair shaved on the side and in my with patches covered backpack you would find some kind of bong or similar thing to get stoned. Yes it was a funny time. We had some nice moments. My best friend was playing in a band called Polyamory, I’m not even sure how many people still remember this band from time to time, if any. But I loved the sound, I loved the concerts. Rest in peace Polyamory. Rest in peace good old time. The good old time - before everything went crazy in our own small universe. I hope we will one day find the joy again we lost somewhere on the road. I hope one day it will be like that again.
Sometimes on my travels I had moments similar but it never came close, it never last for as long. Sometimes I miss this time and I like to think back.
I stayed for a while an listened to a few songs before I went away for some strawberries and a melon. In the beginning I was unhappy that I thought I missed things in my life. As I remembered I had this but I just forgot this time I was melancholic. Now as I went back home I felt good – in peace because I remembered this great time, because I remembered this time as a good time. And all the chaos afterward? It seems now so ordinary. But it wasn’t, that’s for sure. (I just put the Supersonic Speed album from Die Happy on, this brings back old memories too)
Back in the apartment. I was hungry. Mmh? I was thinking about cooking because I bought some turkey a few days ago but I thought it will be to much things to do now. So I just started making me some rice. But since I had time left… OK, I would make the turkey. The rice needed 15 min, so I started 5 min before the rice was done with the turkey. I fried both sides around 2 minutes in a pan with my good olive oil. I cut into the flesh to see how it looks but it was still raw inside. So I turned it again and both side got another minute. The rice was now ready as well. The good thing was I didn’t have to worry about the sauce. Last week we had a good bye dinner at work and a lot of some kind of sweet cherry sauce was left over. Smart as I am, I had already my rice at home in mind. And that was how it finally ended up. Rice with the sweet cherry sauce, some soja(!!) sauce and two stripes turkey. The turkey looked lovely, the white from the outside was gone and most of the bird pieces had a slightly fried almost golden color. I also put some soja over the bird. The whole meal looked great. It was a less then 20 minutes dinner for less around two dollars. As I tried the rice and then the bird I was shocked - for sure this was the best I’ve ever made! Wow! It was great, lovely, delicious! My last dinner was a little disaster but this was like a gift from paradise given down to me on my plate. Wow again! I was proud. First time that this worked out. (And yes Daniel, soja sauce is a great addition…)
Bye the way. Forget about the French toast I planed!
Next time I’ll try pork. I think with rice again. I liked the rice thing. It’s cheap, quick and as long as you put about 50 percent more water in the sauce pan then it says on the rice bag, it will be great! I have to admit, it wasn’t the first time I made rice. I did it already on the boat and of course I followed the instruction and burned the rice. But this time I was smarter. I also recommend a clear cover to see what’s going on with the rice.
So… that was my day. A bit of a queer (queer as extraordinary) way of writing, thinking, whatever but that’s me. Marco Boerner

“are you ready for a ride with me??” is playing over my white retro headphones.

Have a very good night / Sunday!

Marco

Bye the way because I was just writing about special people: My best regards, wished and thanks to some of the people who have been a big influence on me, on my way. I think from time to time it’s just necessary to say thank you.
I remember crazy ; ) Kathleen who gave me motivation to write and helped me to develop some of my first characters. Even if writing goes slow in the last time. I just can’t tell what’s missing.
Absolut Atman who likes active fighting sport but as well as meditation because he’s a kind of Buddhist. Thanks for making my backpack lighter!
Captain Eugene, I hated him at the end but I made experience for life, stories I will tell to my children and grand children ONE DAY. I really miss the boat. Hope everything worked out for you.
And Lucy who I love in my own way. I’m just afraid to write her because I don’t want to find out that we don’t fit anymore. But I will write you!
And of course there are some more…
Also love back home to family, friends and the rest.

PPS: Mouse pads is for people with complexes. Be brave try something new today. Wearing boxer shorts instead of tight briefs, wearing just boxer shorts at home and using no mouse pad is the first step to a new limitless life!!!

; ))

. . .

Have a good night!