Freiraum | Open Space

I am so impressed by my little discovery that I have to write about it. First of all a short review of the last few days. Christmas dinner at my friend Lucas place with his parents was great, afterwards we saw the movie Gran Torino, this was even better! After Crash probably the second best movie that handles racism in a very interesting way. A movie that makes you laugh, that makes you shake you head, think and maybe cry. The main character is a person I could identify myself from time to time. I am not that racist, but indeed I might be grumpy from time to time. Especially in the last time as I felt I had to separate from a few in order to find my self, in order to get closer to myself. I was afraid of an screwed up mainstream end, but it wasn’t. I recommend what I saw.

Well and today, I had to get up at five, wrote for a while before I went to work. Boxing day… everyone went crazy. It was such a long day, I was so tired, so vulnerable, I felt so unpleasant, sometimes, a few moments I could feel good. The day started very very cold, that’s for sure. But friends gave me hugs to cheer me up and make me feel a little warm. : ) Still I was so lost today, almost no sleep and no strong thought to hold on to. I was at the mercy of the day. But overall it was funny. I am glad as it was done. I felt a little sucked… (not soaked, I just found out. So whenever I said or wrote soaked in the last time, it might be that I meant sucked. And the same with the word handsome, whenever I said handsome it can be that I meant handtame… Hahaha… lol… : )

I had to get a clear head, it was past due anyway, so I went out. Just for maybe half an hour. And it was a right thing to do. After this day. I have to focus on myself. I almost forgot that it is me who decides and I am the one who tells me who I am. I almost lost me less depending way. I was waiting for other people to change my life, I was waiting that other people bring me what I need. It was close, so close again, living at the edge. But then.. going out and I got it back. So I came back to my place. And here it happened. The little incident, the little try.

I ordered to many traveler checks last week, and so I am a little broke right now. But I don’t want to cash any of my checks unless it is really necessary. That meant I had to start cooking all the stuff I had since a while. I was eating a lot of rice int he last few days. What is not bad, yesterday I cooked quiet a lot, enough for fried rice in the morning. But this wasn’t that good. As I came back from my little trip I started frying the other rest that was left. What came out is a simple, cheap and very quick recipe how to make fried rice awesome. It started with oil in a pan almost under full heat, and also quiet a bit of oil so that the whole pan is covered. Now I filled the pan with the remaining rice. about one inch, maybe one and a half inch high. I waited a while before I scrambled the rice. In the morning I tried my rice with soya sauce because it was so try but the taste wasn’t that good. This time, still no other option what I could use as a sauce I just pured the sauce direct over the rice until everything seemed covered. I had no idea if this would work but at least it produced an interesting sound, so far no smell. I waited a while before I turned the rice over like burger meat, the ground of the pan seemed quiet dry so I added more oil. I did this maybe one, or two more time, I made sure the rice is sticking together quiet well, I used a …what was the name… spatula to press the rice together. After a while I took a fork and just tried a little of the rice, I was almost shocked how good it was. I couldn’t believe it turned out this way, I was thinking, how was this possible? I was lucky this time. Excited about my discovery I got a plate and put all the rice on it. It had a very interesting color, now the amazing smell reached my nose. Eating it was a pleasure, the consistence was also very interesting. Somehow sticky but in a very enjoyable way! It was so good that next time when I make rice I will direct prepare it that way. Sometimes coincidence, the circumstances and experimenting, maybe a bit luck and faith leads to the best things in life. Well, let’s see if this can proof itself in another way.

My head is so full, so many going on. One day you have to read it all. I have to laugh about all this now. Life is an amazing thing, my life right now acts very .. mmmh…. very wow. My few friends, when we sit together just ask me and try to get a little bit of this out of me, you have to feel this when I tell you all the things. Life…

But for now. I promised myself not to sleep before ten, so I have another hour. Can’t waste my day, and night with sleeping. I was in a very bad rhythm but now it is fine. I do want to keep this up, yes I do!

I would love to tell, but there will always be a secret in the next time. It’s all so wild. : )

I wish all of you a good night!! See you soon! Hope you had a good Christmas!

All the best, your

Marco

It’s a beautiful Saturday but I still can’t decide to leave the house. This weekend my love is so far away, but I can still feel her. What’s she doing? I might use this chance to write some random stuff, something that couldn’t find a place here. I know so much time passed and I was waiting, she was as well. I don’t know. It feels like everything is gone now. Can’t really believe that she will still look at me the way I’m used to it. Even if I never realized it until the last weekend. Or maybe I realized it but couldn’t figure it all out. A little hint from a friend made me think. Last week, I felt somehow we came really close. But now? Did we miss it? I couldn’t talk, couldn’t ask, she didn’t either. So am I right – was this it?

Some say I should wait, be patient, give time and don’t give up, some say I still have to apologize, some say it’s awkward and this has to go away, some say I should respect, leave her alone. Most of the people I was talking to don’t even know what I was talking about but some knew, I could see. Random questions because I can’t answer them myself anymore. That’s what I thought. But finally, I’m thankful for all what’s said but I can’t follow anything but me. I just have a feeling, maybe just need some little incitement to do the right thing. In this time of trouble, in the middle of all this thoughts from everywhere it seems I found something strong, something that feels right. It’s hard to explain. It’s easy to feel. I know she was watching me, I know she was reading and I know how it could be now or soon. Don’t even know if this still has any meaning for her. Why was she reading, coming back and thinking? Was she looking for something, something that never came? Now it’s getting less intense, maybe boring and the repeating of the same again and again. It’s loosing it’s value. But I still feel the same! It’s not longer pain, it doesn’t hurt. You just see and think ‘aha’. So many times I was afraid to feel this emptiness myself. I was afraid to find myself in nonsense. No sense at all. But for me, doesn’t matter what she’s doing, somethings still hurt, even if it doesn’t mean anything, it’s even worse. Talking about the flies and it still hurts. When comes the part when I say ‘I just don’t want to know anymore?’ So far nothing helped. Do I actually want to get out? I walked not without a reason into this labyrinth, and it had a reason that I never walked out. I experienced so much, including the greatest thing, called love. But also lots of other stuff. So many pieces.

It really feels so empty right now. To know that she’s not around is hard. Can’t explain. I feel OK and actually very light, I could jump trough the streets but somehow in my imagination there is a little thing missing, the little thing that makes my jumps high and long. It’s seems I’m glued to the ground and just walk around. So I might just do my stuff, go to the movie tonight and imagine you with me, imagine you coming back the next day, so that we can at least share the same town. At least for a while.

Now, some random thoughts. Things I was thinking about, things I wrote down.

First of all, the safety pin I’m wearing tight around my neck at least three to four times a week, depends where I am, depends who is around. For me it has a reason, the whole story about is a secret – might be a mystery - and means something to me. How I got to it, why I’m wearing it, who’s involved, what it means shall remain a secret for know. People can think. But I would like to share my experience since I’m wearing it. I got a lot of comments about it and people kept asking questions - what is it about? In the beginning I could sneak around the answer, didn’t want to tell, didn’t know what to say. Well, one day Shawn, one of my managers came into my little windowless office, or was it the windowless lunchroom? Don’t remember. He had something in mind and was walking a bit strange. Then he told me… he had to leave the sales floor quickly (I call it dance floor and still hope one day we get a little disco ball) because his zipper was wide open… This was the moment as I knew the answer, that’s how knowledge came/comes to me… I said immediately and proud, ‘Hey you see! That’s why I wear this safety pin!! In case my zipper doesn’t hold anymore!!” Hahaha, what a story when I think about. Since this moment I say it all the time, so many asked and all where laughing and happy about the answer, no one really asked again about the real reason. I was free. The thing is, of course it isn’t the reason, not really, but the more I think about… lol. It might be part of it too.

Now I’m going to tell you another story. I expected to embarrass myself one day and I almost did but I could safe me in the last minute, sneak around. I wanted to look good for her - just for her! So, I liked myself in new jeans, I guess this still was OK. I liked to see me in my new jeans. As I bought them I thought I might go out, but no – I decided I don’t want to. At work, many might know we collect money for this kind of Special Olympics thing and when you give $5 you can come three days in jeans or so. Well I thought already a few weeks ago, I might want to do this and payed for it. I was already just thinking about her. To be honest - that’s what you do when you l… l.. l. like someone. Everyone should know. So, two days were great, I felt quiet good, in the beginning a bit strange. I expected attention from her. I guess I got at least some. OK, but more then two days jeans wouldn’t be good. I had this idea, I just got my nice dress pants from the dry cleaner and never wear my new dress shirt. Well, why not? I was in a hurry in the morning, got everything together and left for work. It felt already too strange, something was wrong, I lost so much weight, my pants were now too loose and the belt not tight enough, everything was hanging deep down, my shirt was looking to large with my cloth, my hair was doing all kind of shit, my boxer shorts were sitting too high and very tight around my little me, don’t know why this happened and now I started sweating, nothing fit right. I felt like a clown. What was I thinking?? How can I embarrass myself like this? What can I do? I know she would see my first when I come into the store. I know I have to wear this pants the whole day. I was thinking about sneaking into the tech room and fixing my belt with screwdriver and cutter knife. I just wished I wouldn’t have done this! I wished ‘please just ignore me, don’t look at me’ My ego was down. Please accept that I do stupid stuff. I felt so embarrassed already and was going crazy about this thought. What can I do to fix this. Short before I arrived I took some time and organized myself a little bit, just enough to pass her and go fast into the back of the store. As I came in I said in my thoughts to her ‘just don’t look, leave it, it was stupid and it’s already embarrassing enough for me’ I seemed almost that she knew and she didn’t look. Thank god! I passed behind her into the back. Here I could change most of my cloth except the pants. Somehow with my red shirt it wasn’t that bad, pants were sitting a bit more tight. But I still didn’t want to be in her sight for the next few hours. What was I thinking? The funny thing is, as I got changed I found out that my zipper and not just this, also the top button came loose. I had to laugh. ‘Today I might need my safety pin’ if it happens again. But it didn’t. The day was actually OK. Finally I was brave enough to risk something and delivered my message in form of an symbol. The message she maybe never got, it’s still there. Her door was just open and I had to put it in. Even if I break some rules. But sometimes you have to break them if you want to be heard. Yes, this was a strange day. The funny thing is, later as I left work everything was fitting better, now people asked me if I’m going on a date. I liked the idea that people would think this, I was thinking about her, but I said no. Some didn’t believe I guess. So yes, I went to work styled and dressed up like seeing the Phantom of the Opera at the Majestic in New York. All just because of her. Now, I can laugh about it. It’s such a silly love story. I remember once telling her about something that could have been a cheap Hollywood plot, she was laughing as I said it happened to me. That makes live and the movies much realer I guess. Well and now, I’m ‘writing’ my story again. It happens all exactly this way. Again: “It really happens!”

Things that follow me since a while. The keys, don’t know since when this is a important part of my life, but it’s coming back, it’s always here. Let me quote what I wrote a few days ago. One of the more boring days. It started with a short line.

“The once you ignore start to like you,

the once you adore send you away.”

another version:

“The once you ignore

start to adore.

The once you adore,

start to ignore”

Before I get to the keys. I was thinking about a few things, actually I wanted to write this since weeks. It’s about how man and woman handle the get together thing. Woman most likely judge and test their man before they even go into a relationship. That means man have to encounter a lot of stuff before they even get close to her. Well that’s how female wants to make proof if her future maybe partner is right or not. This might be a reason why woman can much easier choose to like guys in a good working relationship. Because it’s just the best proof for her. Well, but you never can look behind the doors. For man it’s the hardest time. It’s when we are forced to be more then 100%. But somehow many woman are very disappointed with their man after they started a serious relationship. Because man might call it pay back, but it’s actually something else. I think man can’t judge a women before a relationship. We just decide to like, to adore her. We don’t think ‘hey she’s seems to be too …’ whatever. No, we just love her the way she is. For now(?), we don’t even have the chance to think about her because she makes us think about our selfs all time. It seems to be the only major topic. Well, but as soon as this is over and she made her decision to go for him. Well, now the guy has some air and room to breath. Now it’s his job to find out if the woman is actually right for him. Now the woman has to encounter all this stuff that seems just not logic to her. How can he now question this relationship? I mean she just decided after this long fight that it will be good, that he’s the right one, so what is this now about? I guess female might be lucky if male can decide quick and doesn’t let her feel everything that she let him feel before. That’s the time when she claims that he’s not like before. Of course he isn’t, how can he? : P Anyway. It’s just a theory. There are exceptions, I still heard stories about people falling in love and having this kind of long ongoing love story. Walking together in parks, going to the cinema and that kind of stuff. I guess that’s why it just never fits. We might all be the same but the timing is just not right. : 0 So, girls out there! Don’t make it too hard for the guys – we all try our best! And all the guys out there! Don’t be too much an dick-head because she finally let you into her pants, I mean she finally decided for you!! : P

Now about the key. I wrote it direct after it happened, nothing special, just thought it’s a nice little metaphor but…

“Do you know this when you want to unlock a door but somehow you got the key wrong. You turn it all around until your wrist hurts. It’s just a little bit left and the door would open, you try your best but you can’t. The only thing you can do is let it loose and try again. It’s so much easier the second time”

…somethings else happened.

“Is it coincidence that a few moments later, as I was trapped in the thoughts of this door, the lock broke? [It really broke!] You could open it from the inside but the key wasn’t working anymore. That means as soon as everyone would be out, no one could go back in. The only thing we could do is use some tape to keep it open. Well now it’s unlocked, everyone can go in and out. I was asking to get a guard from the aisles in front of the door. Someone to watch my little windowless office… The broken door… mmh??”

Well, I don’t know. Was this coincidence? Was this a sign?

The stuff that’s going on is too strange. Sometimes I would like to keep this out, I would like to experience a ‘just normal’ love story. But it’s part of it. And now it’s a good time to bring it in.

I know there was more I wanted to talk about. But it’s lost now. It’s time to do some work anyway. I might add more later.

Bye for now.

Marco

PS: And actually I like it that way.

Some music from Alanis Morissette:

>> Ironic

>> You learn

>> Thank U

Some from the Stones (Quote: Q: you like the rolling stones? A: Yes I do. You just need to listen to the songs… It’s so much more then you hear in the radio… I like his arrogant appearance and the man who is really behind.”

>> Gimme Shelter

>> You Can’t Always Get What You Want

>> Wild Horses

…I can melt!

The last few hours before I leave. I got my keys, saw my new room again. It’s even smaller then I remembered it. Hope everything will fit inside. I hope the internet will work already. If not, what can I do? I can’t imagine this. But actually it wouldn’t be too bad. A few days off the line. Meeting myself and other things in life to do…

I’m happy that she wrote yesterday. I’m glad to her from you! It seemed such a long time. There were so many different shades since we met the first time. So many different lights causing this shade. How many nuances of life?

I’m going to cook the last time here for now. It’s just simple pasta with pre made sauce. I just finished bringing the water to boil. It took ages, about twenty minutes. There’s almost no cooking equipment left and I had to use this too little pot. Don’t know if it is because of that or something is wrong with the stove. Anyway, now the pasta is in. Will take probably another half an hour before I can eat. After this I help my roommate to unbuild his room, made out of panels. After that, I’m going to move. Still hope I can get a bed before the night.

My computer will be the last thing I take out of here. So there might be time for a short ‘good bye and see you soon’.

Bye now,

Marco

My last post!

Now It’s time to say good bye. I know it seems so stupid. I move just into another place but somehow changes means something to mean. Somehow you always have to leave behind. I say not just good bye to you, it’s probably a good bye for this time. A place where I grow, where I had to survive, where I lived just with the light in my imagination, just the light that came from far away to me. It’s a good bye to a special time. I will welcome what it new. It thought my computer will be the last thing I put away, but I guess it’s my little radio. I love the music, I need it. It’s part of me. Good bye Corktown, maybe one day you will be a great place to stay. I see the dreams here but also most of the people still sleeping. Wake up and grow. Remember me. I say good bye.

Your Marco.

(*hahaha I almost forgot the best part…)

It was a challenge. It took her ages to make the first contact and it took her much longer to ask, but finally she came and was listening with her pretty face. With her beautiful lips she gave me the OK and went away. From now on everything happened so fast. It took her not long and she was back giving me what I should call – my quest and dare. People were looking at me and asking “How??” “Do you?” “Woooow!!!” “Are you really going to do it??” ‘Yes’ I said and here I started. Applause and cheering form everyone around. To fight this piece of hell I had to become the devil – or a at least a daemon. But I did it and I made it. The girl next to me went down to my jeans and opened my belt while the others were watching. It had the length of an girls underarm and so much flesh I never had between my own teeth before. It was a massive Texas style rib as I got it and what I’ve left was just a piece of bone. God help me - I need to eat more healthy! I said if there was one more reason why I was fasting on the weekend, it was this piece of meat. Yes it was meat!

Why is all the time this huge amount of flesh involved when I somehow meet up with friends from work?? BBQ party, the infinity of all you can eat chicken wings and now this piece of flesh??! It’’s all not bad but I would prefer something that’s not as heavy in the body and something that at least seems a bit healthy. But it seems such get-together’s are more rare and reserved for special moment with special people. So far it’s funny. It’s funny how things are, over the time you get people from work to know and you see more and more what’s going on under the surface, you know more and more what some interactions between them mean. You experience the secrets, the dark sides, the things that should remain unknown and untold. You discover things you wouldn’t expect, you get confirmed the things you knew even before you even really met the person. People become people, people become real. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I wish I could stay far. Everyone seems to have some kind of secret and you get to know. I’m just glad nobody knows me so far. : )

After the beautiful morning yesterday, of course I didn’t expect the day to be the same. Work was a bit boring and later on I got tired too. Sometimes I missed, sometimes I thought I need but it was OK. And at least everything was working fine. Later there was this birthday party where I had this rib. On our way back I ask in respond to a question “And I ask myself – how did I get here??” I didn’t take long before we got the melody and started making sounds, then we remembered some of the lyrics and started singing… “dumm dumm dumm dumm dumm… lalalalala… once in a liiife tiiiime…” “lala lala lala”

Talking Heads – Once in a lifetime

“And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
Wife
And you may ask yourself-well…how did I get here?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…

Water dissolving…and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? …am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!…what have I done?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…”

There are little things, really little things that could mean nothing but mean a lot to me. Little things that are important and have a meaning. things you give when you decide to keep silence. I couldn’t life without them – I can not life with them. That’s how confusing it is.

And finally… Yes - once in a lifetime! This all is something that happens just once. It will never be the same as it was yesterday, as it is today, and as it will be tomorrow. Even if it is the same. Now I have to go working. When I look around in my room, well I made a freaking mess here. I need to clean up a little. Sheets of paper, pens, washed and used cloth, more paper and all kind of stuff. It seems it reflects the mess I left behind in my head as I just left, the mess I ignore just to be myself again and go forward as a quiet happy person. Well. I still miss sometimes. It’s rare and soon the last glowing will be gone.

See you soon.

Marco

The End

from The Doors

”This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
Ill never look into your eyes…again

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need…of some…strangers hand
In a…desperate land

Lost in a roman…wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah

Theres danger on the edge of town
Ride the kings highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby

Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake…hes old, and his skin is cold

The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and well do the rest

The blue bus is callin us
The blue bus is callin us
Driver, where you taken us

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and…then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door…and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother…i want to…fuck you

C’mon baby, take a chance with us
C’mon baby, take a chance with us
C’mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin a blue rock
On a blue bus
Doin a blue rock
C’mon, yeah

Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

It hurts to set you free
But you’ll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die

This is the end”

Since my English is better and I can understand most of the songs I hear and sometimes I’m really surprised. I rediscover all the music I was listening as I was younger. It’s sometimes amazing how different the music is, now when I understand, compared to the time as I just got one or two lines right and maybe just liked the melody. I was never a very big fan of the Doors, I never was a big fan of Jimmy Hendrix. Compared to the other music I was listening to. There was just one Doors best of compilation and the Jimmy Hendrix ‘Life from Woodstock’ album I had in my shelf. Somewhere at home laying around under all this mess. It was not even a CD, I had it on tape. Jimmy on the one and the Doors on the other side. But I remember the song. I remember the situations related to it. The one endless night in the car as this songs changed my life. Where did time go? It’s a kind of dark memory. But a good one too. It was the tape I was listening to as everything began. I shall discover more of this songs soon.

Can’t believe I slept from the late afternoon until now. It’s 3:30AM. I’m sure I can’t sleep again now. I just give me an hour and then I’ll try it again.

The end. The end of our great childhood and youth we were able to share for so long and the beginning of a sometimes destructing thing called love and life. I should write another post for my best friend too. If everyone deserves this, for still after all this years, still and again - being my best friend. I love you for holding on to our friendship even as it was hard. Thank you! I understand you now more then ever, you know more about me then ever before. Danke für alles! Ich hoffe zu guter letzt ist alles Teil eines Plans und wir finden alle das Leben wieder. Hoffe bei dir läuft alles trotz der Umstände ganz gut. Bis bald mal!

Good night you all, in deep memory..

your Marco

Quote from today: “Everyone has/needs his own ‘juice’”

I like the Stones, the same as the Bee Gees and a few other old timer and I know being Aerosmith fan seems to be an old hat too. But since I developed a kind of extended interest in rock in the last year, God knows why, I discover from time to time really cool things. So the last thing I discovered was the well known Aerosmith album Pump. I was never a Aerosmith fan and as I was younger, listening to Manson on the one and Lacrimosa on the other side. I couldn’t understand some of my, mostly female, friends who went crazy about this band, especially about him. They all had a time as they went crazy about almost every long haired rock star. But I really remember Aerosmith. I thought it was stupid and of course I never listened the music and I wasn’t sure if the music was dark enough for me at this time.

But this changed. My black cloth are gone since years, my music taste changed from dark, Gothic to alternative stuff like Counting Crows, 3 Doors Down and singer and songwriter aka Heather Nova, Alanis Morissette, etc. Somehow I think it was all a kind of soft, but in this time I was in a kind of permanent ‘in love with someone’ phase of my life. Yes I was emotional and maybe a bit too sensitive.

Whatever. Then there was electronic and house music afterward. Too many excessive parties, too long weekends, horrible weekdays after. It was fun in the beginning but at the end… Anyway as this part of my life was over as well I had to go back first before I could discover something new. I needed to rediscover things I lost before. So I was back into singers and stuff like that. Much more emotional then before but I think more happy as well. Sheryl Crown was singing C’mon Cmon and I liked it.

After that I changed a lot between the old stuff I liked before the electronic excursion and stuff I just found. I named my self since I was young a Rolling Stones fan but actually I really discovered the Stones just about two years ago for myself. Since then I love them. But now somehow since I’m on the road, no influence from home and things I know, most of the time without my own music collection, I had to listen to the music I had available. It was all kind of stuff but I had to find out that I reacted more on rock and alternative and that I really don’t like electronic anymore. I really hate going to clubs because it’s everywhere the same. The house is no longer fun and it started to be too monotone, even aggressive – everywhere. Most of the people is see there are just lost. I went to clubs in most of the Big Cities I’ve visit. Let’s say from whatever in Paris to Pacha in New York and I have to say it’s really everywhere the same. I can’t help it but I guess that’s done for me. I liked the dancing and I think I was quiet good but with this music they play right now and most of the people you’ll find there… My pleasure and motivation to dance and be there is gone after less then 30 minutes.

But back to rock. For me rock looked so mainstream that I never thought I could somehow like it. But it seems I like it. I remember in a little town in Portugal, I still say the best place I’ve ever been, we went every night out for our favorite Australian bar called Three Monkeys and I was listening every night to rock and first time ever it wasn’t boring anymore. This kind of music got a meaning for me and I explored first secrets hidden in it. Secrets related to parts in my self. Things that just fit this time. I’m not talking about the Satanic touch even if I like ‘Sympathy for the Devil’. I’m talking about the stories been told in the music, the stories that just fit to the easy life I had this time. But still I wasn’t a rock fan back in Lagos and I’m not a rock fan now, neither a Aerosmith fan.

As I said, my black cloth where gone and house lost his beat for me as I saw on the boat together with the Captain the Making of pump movie. I enjoyed watching it. I enjoyed seeing Steve Tyler conducting the other band members. I liked to see this hyperactive, high intelligent person doing his job in a very creative way. It was impressive and of course I also enjoyed the music samples in between. I was anxious to listen to the album but I wouldn’t get it for the next few month. It took me a while to get it but as I finally had it I was disappointed because I didn’t like it. It seemed all the same and boring for me. I couldn’t remember why I actually liked this music and I couldn’t remember what I liked on it either. So I forgot more or less about it. I was again more into my singers, songwriters, alternative and stuff I was listening a few years ago.

But then since Toronto I had again no possibility to listen to any music except the radio over my cell phone. So that’s what I did. Most of the stations I got where just crap except the one rock station, of course. And I think that was the moment as I found out for my self that I do like rock. Again, how did this happen? But that’s it, I can’t help it. So I didn’t know most of the artists and songs and in the beginning everything was new, I liked almost everything. Now since a while I made differences. Some stuff is just overplayed or starts to be boring, some I don’t like even if it’s new. I can hear the differences between the songs and also start to recognize most of the popular artists. Of course everyone knows the cawing of Kiss, the arrogantly voice of Mick Jagger and the memory awaking sound of R.E.M but I never realized Aerosmith. I just found out that I have a few songs I really liked, a few songs that really moved – rocked me, a few songs that gave me power and energy and somehow I didn’t realize that most of them sound similar until or that some of them might be from the same artist.

I got my new computer, I got my stylish white retro headset and I was bored. I thought let’s listen to some music. I was in a good mood, or let’s say I had an intense background feeling for something like that. I was ready to discover. I started with the good old stuff but somehow it almost pushed me away from it. It looked weak to me and almost disgusting. I needed something new, something that keeps my good mood and doesn’t drag me down into some kind of emotional swamp. I needed rock! …that was for sure. But unfortunate the only rock, alternative rock I had was Die Happy – not this time… REM - no time for memories and pump …mmh? Last time I thought it was boring, but let’s give it another try. OK you can guess what comes now.

Wow! All this songs I learned to love in the last month are on this particular album! All the songs I hoped to catch the name one day because I wanted to get them are on this album! I loved it and I love it since then. I like his voice as I like every detail in this songs. When you really listen to this album you will understand why I call him high intelligent. It needs almost a genius to make this songs. I say if you have the resources, just get the Making of first. It’s worth it even if you are not into rock, I wasn’t as I saw it, I’m not into it now. Later on try the CD. Like me maybe you need a few tries before you really like it but then you will have a good time. As I have! : )

Can’t believe I wrote more then one page about an Aerosmith album… Hope I didn’t bore you, if I did … it might be time now for some music experiments. Discover something new in your life. Since music is not just a little bit connected, related to feelings, emotions. It can be worth to variate a bit. Music is the undertone of your young life. Think about it.

…something else in my life? Yes actually there are three things I’m concerned about.

Number one, let’s call it:

- SLOW -

This week I have to say work is not as good as before. Everything is going very slow and that’s working on me but I hope it will be busy soon.

- GUILT! -

Another thing I can’t help myself is that I get angry almost every morning on the way to work. Or let’s say this I’m just starting to help myself because I’m writing, thinking about and I just watch myself and the others. Every morning o the way to work and now also in the evening on my way back. I just can’t stand this people who think they don’t need to make space on the sidewalk. It seems that some idiots think they are special, not just man also some womans in their business dress. I get angry every morning and I know I have to take care with this anger. Yesterday I brought some of this feelings to work, normally no problem because I need just a few minutes to acclimatize. But as I came in on this morning one of the managers told me in front of some other employees I’m fired. I was shocked and couldn’t react, I thought he was serious and didn’t know why. Then he said it was a joke, bad joke but normally I would get it but with this feelings, bad emotions in my head it would make sense even if it wasn’t related. I think our brain can’t make the difference. That means even if you are good at work and never did anything wrong as long as you do wrong in your life outside your work and you feel that you do wrong you will feel a kind of guilt at work as well. …

Almost every morning I hit someone with my elbow or shoulder because I just don’t make space anymore. This idiots. But as I said I have to take care because I feel that exactly this actually makes me to one of this idiots. In the beginning I made no space for the idiots now I almost make no space for anyone that means some of the good guys might think now that I’m one of the idiots. Damn. This is a vicious circle! How can I get out of there without giving up against the ones who think that they don’t need to make space. I hate all this mental disease all the people including me get after a while in a big city like Toronto. I remember a quote from the movie Crash, that played in the City of Angels, that said: “It’s the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.” Great movie bye the way

- LOVE? -

I mention it already in my shout box but here again. Since I made me free from some things, someone… life became better, I felt energy. But we are all very lazy so I experience that I fall back a little into old emotions. That can’t be. I can’t allow this. Everything was good in the beginning. I could undisturbed express my anger and disappointment, could make some bad comments about the puss – what I really enjoyed. I still hate his face and I still hate the thought that she is such a looser to hook up with someone like that… damn.. sorry for the looser. I feel that I get angry again. But that’s what I wanted to say. I could ignore her, lost almost interest but since a few days she shows interest in what I’m doing. She’s coming after work to my room and asking about how things are going. Then this kind of silence and she’s playing with something that hangs on the door as she is expecting something. I don’t like this. I remember I went to her room from time to time and I hated this silence and I hated when she showed me that she actually didn’t want to talk. I was the one playing with her fucking door. What’s this all about? Is she tempted to proof something, does she want to know that she can do it? I say: Get lost! I feel great, I’m on my way and I deserve something more demanding. I don’t like this kind of games. Now I feel again that I’m somehow interested in what she is doing. It seems that I’m tempted to watch up when she’s coming home and that now I’m again the one standing in her door hoping that she will have a short conversation with me that would lead to a sleepless night with talking and so. But this wont happen. My company has a value and I don’t like this to be ignored for some kind of stupid game. I know my value! If she doesn’t – get lost again! I feel angry. **** *** **** ***** *****

But there is just one thing to do. I just need, I hope the last time, to step back a little. That means, I just have to ask here again. I know everything is in the very beginning but before everything makes any serious progression I will, need to ask here the again. I just need to hear this NO again. It needs to be quick. I hate to wait, to waste my time and energy. Since I’m on my own again, I jumped into another sphere of being. I lost worries about stupid stuff. I learned to understand myself again. But to do this everything needs to be clear. That can mean, being together, having great sex and discovering each other OR on the other hand and I’m pretty sure that’s were we are heading to, being on your own. Having a clear line and staying as friends and nothing else. No compliments, presents, silence and playing with the door. So be aware that I will ask you in the next days.

Have a good night you all and ROCK ‘N’ ROLL!

Marco

Everyone would like to be a writer from time to time. You do as well as I do.

And this movie tells the story about a young man who wants to be a writer and started working as an assistant for a quiet famous children’s book writer. He went into this with great expectations but I guess finally it didn’t work out as he wanted it to be. Instead of being full time assistant he got full time experience in life. Not a less important element if you really want to be a good writer. A great emotional; very close to ‘real life’ story.

I won’t tell you much more. Based on one of John Irving’s bestselling novel “A widow for one year”, directed by Tod Williams and starred by Jeff Bridges, Kim Basinger, Elle Faning and Jon Foster; a movie I would recommend to everyone with link and love to writing, photography, art and art of love.

Enjoy!

Marco