Freiraum | Open Space

It’s a beautiful Saturday but I still can’t decide to leave the house. This weekend my love is so far away, but I can still feel her. What’s she doing? I might use this chance to write some random stuff, something that couldn’t find a place here. I know so much time passed and I was waiting, she was as well. I don’t know. It feels like everything is gone now. Can’t really believe that she will still look at me the way I’m used to it. Even if I never realized it until the last weekend. Or maybe I realized it but couldn’t figure it all out. A little hint from a friend made me think. Last week, I felt somehow we came really close. But now? Did we miss it? I couldn’t talk, couldn’t ask, she didn’t either. So am I right – was this it?

Some say I should wait, be patient, give time and don’t give up, some say I still have to apologize, some say it’s awkward and this has to go away, some say I should respect, leave her alone. Most of the people I was talking to don’t even know what I was talking about but some knew, I could see. Random questions because I can’t answer them myself anymore. That’s what I thought. But finally, I’m thankful for all what’s said but I can’t follow anything but me. I just have a feeling, maybe just need some little incitement to do the right thing. In this time of trouble, in the middle of all this thoughts from everywhere it seems I found something strong, something that feels right. It’s hard to explain. It’s easy to feel. I know she was watching me, I know she was reading and I know how it could be now or soon. Don’t even know if this still has any meaning for her. Why was she reading, coming back and thinking? Was she looking for something, something that never came? Now it’s getting less intense, maybe boring and the repeating of the same again and again. It’s loosing it’s value. But I still feel the same! It’s not longer pain, it doesn’t hurt. You just see and think ‘aha’. So many times I was afraid to feel this emptiness myself. I was afraid to find myself in nonsense. No sense at all. But for me, doesn’t matter what she’s doing, somethings still hurt, even if it doesn’t mean anything, it’s even worse. Talking about the flies and it still hurts. When comes the part when I say ‘I just don’t want to know anymore?’ So far nothing helped. Do I actually want to get out? I walked not without a reason into this labyrinth, and it had a reason that I never walked out. I experienced so much, including the greatest thing, called love. But also lots of other stuff. So many pieces.

It really feels so empty right now. To know that she’s not around is hard. Can’t explain. I feel OK and actually very light, I could jump trough the streets but somehow in my imagination there is a little thing missing, the little thing that makes my jumps high and long. It’s seems I’m glued to the ground and just walk around. So I might just do my stuff, go to the movie tonight and imagine you with me, imagine you coming back the next day, so that we can at least share the same town. At least for a while.

Now, some random thoughts. Things I was thinking about, things I wrote down.

First of all, the safety pin I’m wearing tight around my neck at least three to four times a week, depends where I am, depends who is around. For me it has a reason, the whole story about is a secret – might be a mystery - and means something to me. How I got to it, why I’m wearing it, who’s involved, what it means shall remain a secret for know. People can think. But I would like to share my experience since I’m wearing it. I got a lot of comments about it and people kept asking questions - what is it about? In the beginning I could sneak around the answer, didn’t want to tell, didn’t know what to say. Well, one day Shawn, one of my managers came into my little windowless office, or was it the windowless lunchroom? Don’t remember. He had something in mind and was walking a bit strange. Then he told me… he had to leave the sales floor quickly (I call it dance floor and still hope one day we get a little disco ball) because his zipper was wide open… This was the moment as I knew the answer, that’s how knowledge came/comes to me… I said immediately and proud, ‘Hey you see! That’s why I wear this safety pin!! In case my zipper doesn’t hold anymore!!” Hahaha, what a story when I think about. Since this moment I say it all the time, so many asked and all where laughing and happy about the answer, no one really asked again about the real reason. I was free. The thing is, of course it isn’t the reason, not really, but the more I think about… lol. It might be part of it too.

Now I’m going to tell you another story. I expected to embarrass myself one day and I almost did but I could safe me in the last minute, sneak around. I wanted to look good for her - just for her! So, I liked myself in new jeans, I guess this still was OK. I liked to see me in my new jeans. As I bought them I thought I might go out, but no – I decided I don’t want to. At work, many might know we collect money for this kind of Special Olympics thing and when you give $5 you can come three days in jeans or so. Well I thought already a few weeks ago, I might want to do this and payed for it. I was already just thinking about her. To be honest - that’s what you do when you l… l.. l. like someone. Everyone should know. So, two days were great, I felt quiet good, in the beginning a bit strange. I expected attention from her. I guess I got at least some. OK, but more then two days jeans wouldn’t be good. I had this idea, I just got my nice dress pants from the dry cleaner and never wear my new dress shirt. Well, why not? I was in a hurry in the morning, got everything together and left for work. It felt already too strange, something was wrong, I lost so much weight, my pants were now too loose and the belt not tight enough, everything was hanging deep down, my shirt was looking to large with my cloth, my hair was doing all kind of shit, my boxer shorts were sitting too high and very tight around my little me, don’t know why this happened and now I started sweating, nothing fit right. I felt like a clown. What was I thinking?? How can I embarrass myself like this? What can I do? I know she would see my first when I come into the store. I know I have to wear this pants the whole day. I was thinking about sneaking into the tech room and fixing my belt with screwdriver and cutter knife. I just wished I wouldn’t have done this! I wished ‘please just ignore me, don’t look at me’ My ego was down. Please accept that I do stupid stuff. I felt so embarrassed already and was going crazy about this thought. What can I do to fix this. Short before I arrived I took some time and organized myself a little bit, just enough to pass her and go fast into the back of the store. As I came in I said in my thoughts to her ‘just don’t look, leave it, it was stupid and it’s already embarrassing enough for me’ I seemed almost that she knew and she didn’t look. Thank god! I passed behind her into the back. Here I could change most of my cloth except the pants. Somehow with my red shirt it wasn’t that bad, pants were sitting a bit more tight. But I still didn’t want to be in her sight for the next few hours. What was I thinking? The funny thing is, as I got changed I found out that my zipper and not just this, also the top button came loose. I had to laugh. ‘Today I might need my safety pin’ if it happens again. But it didn’t. The day was actually OK. Finally I was brave enough to risk something and delivered my message in form of an symbol. The message she maybe never got, it’s still there. Her door was just open and I had to put it in. Even if I break some rules. But sometimes you have to break them if you want to be heard. Yes, this was a strange day. The funny thing is, later as I left work everything was fitting better, now people asked me if I’m going on a date. I liked the idea that people would think this, I was thinking about her, but I said no. Some didn’t believe I guess. So yes, I went to work styled and dressed up like seeing the Phantom of the Opera at the Majestic in New York. All just because of her. Now, I can laugh about it. It’s such a silly love story. I remember once telling her about something that could have been a cheap Hollywood plot, she was laughing as I said it happened to me. That makes live and the movies much realer I guess. Well and now, I’m ‘writing’ my story again. It happens all exactly this way. Again: “It really happens!”

Things that follow me since a while. The keys, don’t know since when this is a important part of my life, but it’s coming back, it’s always here. Let me quote what I wrote a few days ago. One of the more boring days. It started with a short line.

“The once you ignore start to like you,

the once you adore send you away.”

another version:

“The once you ignore

start to adore.

The once you adore,

start to ignore”

Before I get to the keys. I was thinking about a few things, actually I wanted to write this since weeks. It’s about how man and woman handle the get together thing. Woman most likely judge and test their man before they even go into a relationship. That means man have to encounter a lot of stuff before they even get close to her. Well that’s how female wants to make proof if her future maybe partner is right or not. This might be a reason why woman can much easier choose to like guys in a good working relationship. Because it’s just the best proof for her. Well, but you never can look behind the doors. For man it’s the hardest time. It’s when we are forced to be more then 100%. But somehow many woman are very disappointed with their man after they started a serious relationship. Because man might call it pay back, but it’s actually something else. I think man can’t judge a women before a relationship. We just decide to like, to adore her. We don’t think ‘hey she’s seems to be too …’ whatever. No, we just love her the way she is. For now(?), we don’t even have the chance to think about her because she makes us think about our selfs all time. It seems to be the only major topic. Well, but as soon as this is over and she made her decision to go for him. Well, now the guy has some air and room to breath. Now it’s his job to find out if the woman is actually right for him. Now the woman has to encounter all this stuff that seems just not logic to her. How can he now question this relationship? I mean she just decided after this long fight that it will be good, that he’s the right one, so what is this now about? I guess female might be lucky if male can decide quick and doesn’t let her feel everything that she let him feel before. That’s the time when she claims that he’s not like before. Of course he isn’t, how can he? : P Anyway. It’s just a theory. There are exceptions, I still heard stories about people falling in love and having this kind of long ongoing love story. Walking together in parks, going to the cinema and that kind of stuff. I guess that’s why it just never fits. We might all be the same but the timing is just not right. : 0 So, girls out there! Don’t make it too hard for the guys – we all try our best! And all the guys out there! Don’t be too much an dick-head because she finally let you into her pants, I mean she finally decided for you!! : P

Now about the key. I wrote it direct after it happened, nothing special, just thought it’s a nice little metaphor but…

“Do you know this when you want to unlock a door but somehow you got the key wrong. You turn it all around until your wrist hurts. It’s just a little bit left and the door would open, you try your best but you can’t. The only thing you can do is let it loose and try again. It’s so much easier the second time”

…somethings else happened.

“Is it coincidence that a few moments later, as I was trapped in the thoughts of this door, the lock broke? [It really broke!] You could open it from the inside but the key wasn’t working anymore. That means as soon as everyone would be out, no one could go back in. The only thing we could do is use some tape to keep it open. Well now it’s unlocked, everyone can go in and out. I was asking to get a guard from the aisles in front of the door. Someone to watch my little windowless office… The broken door… mmh??”

Well, I don’t know. Was this coincidence? Was this a sign?

The stuff that’s going on is too strange. Sometimes I would like to keep this out, I would like to experience a ‘just normal’ love story. But it’s part of it. And now it’s a good time to bring it in.

I know there was more I wanted to talk about. But it’s lost now. It’s time to do some work anyway. I might add more later.

Bye for now.

Marco

PS: And actually I like it that way.

Some music from Alanis Morissette:

>> Ironic

>> You learn

>> Thank U

Some from the Stones (Quote: Q: you like the rolling stones? A: Yes I do. You just need to listen to the songs… It’s so much more then you hear in the radio… I like his arrogant appearance and the man who is really behind.”

>> Gimme Shelter

>> You Can’t Always Get What You Want

>> Wild Horses

Ingredients:

[ no wtf added ]

recommend daily dose / per serving (reading)

Love: 12 / 34

Pain: 3 / 37

Happiness: 40 / 12

Her: 100 / 50

Hey what the FUCK?? I decided to end it. I decided it is better. But why do I feel so bad? Why does it hurt, why does anything I see, read, imagine hurt so much? I thought there should be no feeling? What’s going on. You don’t even know what I’m writing about. I need to show you…

My last days in words:

I started writing already this but couldn’t finish it because I was talking to you. What I liked. But things were changing after this…

…

I don’t know what else I can do, how I can show here that I like her. Time goes by and I know soon it will be to late. But it’s so hard and I’m afraid of loosing something. There is always a chance of loosing something when you really tell or show the truth. But she doesn’t make it easy for me. It seems that we already going apart. Maybe it’s done already. Maybe there was never anything. Maybe I was right and she was wrong. Again the same thoughts. Again I don’t want to give up. I feel too much but can’t say what. Is it just the feeling of loosing that causes the pain – but this can’t be. It can’t be it – it can’t be all. Some words out of my journal follow. I know I’m not good in this and if she’s really playing. She’s playing good. I wanted her to play – to play me. That’s what I told her. Maybe that’s what I need to understand. It’s probably easier to hide a good feeling even for myself. But she’s playing just from time to time the good and a many times a lot of my deeper melodies. The melodies that shows – I have something for this music. Here some words:

[this was before I actually wrote my last two posts]

I felt misplaced in the last time. Somehow it seems I just need to give me up – just a little. I should spend some of my time for others. I should dedicate some parts of my life others. Instead of selling me under the price. There are strength I discovered in other people. I should give them just more attention, sacrifice something. Some seem or live unhappy but I know they can be happy. [...] My destination is to make them – her happy. And I know I can [as well as she could make me happy]

Why is it different this time? I reached a point of change. While all the others destructed my life and brought me away from my self and my doing so that I needed, it needed to be ended to go forward. This time I need to go forward. I can’t go ahead without her. It would slow me down, give me a deep break. If there needs to be a better reason to get the girl and to not waste her then this is one! Maybe there was never one before. OK I could agree it was for my best. But now. My best is together with her.

[Here is a part as I really started writing ... but that's what I wont show now. So, a time later, under people...]

My strongest weapon, maybe the only one.

Writing.

Why to hell is it all so difficult? Why can’t I get a clear answer, clear information, insight of something I would like to know? Why can’t I get a straight line? Why seems everything to change all the time. I don’t know what I expected today. I don’t know what I expected again! I have expectations. I can’t believe how painful life shows me again and again, ever repeating in more embarrassing, more hurting ways… I just can’t believe that she fucking prefers to play [...] instead of giving me some attention. It wouldn’t be to bad and I could accept all this but it’s one fine thing – she rejected a look, a glimpse from me. She showed me not to look. She rolled her eyes as she shouldn’t. It was not even me who started looking. It was not even me starting something. But probably I’m the one who’s finally schizophrenic, the one who gets everything wrong. I am not compatible. There wont be anyone compatible. But still I’m not a game – I am real! What was it what I expected. It’s not about sex, yes agreed I think about it. [...]

Lie!

[...] and bye the way. I don’t play games either. But maybe I should. But it’s leading again and again to the same, trying, being an asshole, pretending.

What about love? One the one side people lie about love because it isn’t there – some lie about love because it’s there.

And me? I try not to talk – not to think about because both ways I don’t want to lie about it. But probably I would be the one lying that it isn’t there. Because to talk about love now, she wouldn’t like it. That’s what I’m sure about and as soon as I think about, as soon as I make myself ready and free for love. It’s gone. I can’t hold anything. Even if I wished. There’s no love. Maybe a feeling, maybe a glimpse of it but love. So finally as soon as it would be my part saying it. I would lie – I would say.

Yes – I love.

This night, is it because she’s drunk, is it because I’m not fulfilled? I like the place, I like my surrounding, most of the people. But everything seems so far. Except her, and except the mute, thinking and in thoughts like me, sitting next to me, sitting next to her but she’s away right now. She’s friendly now, just polite. I still like this short moments when she might talk.

[Finally I pulled myself out of it and helped myself as I gave her something later that night. So finally I seemed in a better mood and somehow, she was just left I got payed for it... The next days were good days...]

Good feelings have me back this morning

it seems to be a better world

I’m excited!

Pain transforms to love

Fear becomes pleasure

I look forward seeing you

I’m dreaming of feeling you

I’m shy like the first sunbeams

warming my neck on this beautiful morning

Not sure if they can reach me

not sure if they should but

as long as earth is turning

- they will -

- I will -

- I would -

[Sometimes I think about sex...]

It’s already hard enough for me, for man in general because of course I want to have sex with a attractive woman. I just feel I somehow need this. [...] To handle this needs, that’s already hard. But then you meet a woman you really like, a woman you want to have close to you, a woman you want to care for, a woman you would like to adore in what she’s doing. You’re completely attracted to her. You can’t keep a clear thought and of course you want to have sex with this attractive woman but you also want to have sex with this special person you discovered, with who you see in her. The first feeling is already quiet intense for me but now there are two, there is a second. Having sex and not just this, having sex with someone you really like – you really want to have sex with.

Yes you can say we think about sex, yes we want sex but if it seems that this is the only thing we, I want then that’s wrong. It’s just because the feeling here is much stronger then normal.

[time passed, I was excited because we where going somewhere. I was thinking about the sunbeams all day. But... I can't tell what exactly happened. But at least we had a talk and I wrote about it afterward - but again, right now it doesn't fit in here. It's about me, her and our different 'me's' Who we are, who should we be, who think we are, what do we present, what do we hide? ...]

and finally who we are is not just what we want to show. It’s not just the good. We all have things we would like to hide, bad moments, stupid moments. But after all - that’s what makes us real. That’s what you get with the whole package ‘me’

[It seems long but it felt like a too short time of happiness. It came back what was supposed to come back. I went down, went crazy, I'm confused. As feelings got stronger and out of control.]

I love

I do not

I love

I do not

I love …

I’m in pain right now.

I feel so strange, like on drugs and something else. I need to tell her, I need to feel her. I want to kiss her – hold her close. I don’t even know if she wants it. I was so sure but now – since it is pain…

[it's coming to an end. It's to heavy. I wake up and start to see clear. Awake from a dream...]

She’s not longer a stranger

I’m not longer strange to her

Time is getting tight!

[...]

It’s all so crazy and mixed up. I have great times when everything is right and in order. I feel good but it is normally direct followed by absolute chaos. When I loose myself, can’t get a straight thought. It seems that hell is going on in my head. The only thing others can see is that I might write a bit different – more philosophical, messed up. I make mistakes more often. Mix things up, get confused. I know it’s a sign that something is going on. It doesn’t need to be something in my surrounding. Things can be great but in my head they get out of control. Normally I find a way out – normally I would find something strong in myself to heal for a while but it’s all the time coming back, it’s coming back, it’s coming back, it’s coming back. And finally if I wouldn’t make it. If it just didn’t work out, there is just one solution.

To give up, to break out. This time I recognized – I lost my self already – I can’t explain why it is like this, why it is so painful. I thought at the end, I was afraid I don’t feel, was lying to myself – but still it hurts. It means there was at least something. Let’s get back to normal. This should be real for now. Of course I am lonely – I’m lonely like hell. But being lonely will just hurt less, be much easier when I’m not wanting you. I wanted you, you wanted someone else. Don’t let us play this game, maybe it not just hurts me, maybe it could hurt you too and probably you are lonely as well. It doesn’t make sense to extend this loneliness for both of us. I wasn’t telling the truth as I said in what I believe. I believed it will be different, end up different. I believed in you, in me, in us. But I wrote it myself not long time ago. Believing alone isn’t enough if the little feeling inside says, cries ‘no’

My own words, my own guides come back to me to hit me hard and ‘cold’. This is a fire where I never had faith, this will be a fire where I always get burned. Sure it was different a bit, but never is anything really the same – it’s different all the time. I’m surprised, even smile a little bit that I did it again. I started with pleasure and ended in pain. I’ll find myself and might grow again. I mean I knew all this since the beginning, all the time. I knew it, I wrote about it, we even talked about it, more then once. You doubt it but there are bigger things I guess. I stayed right. It happened again.

But I have no regrets, not for one day, one second, one moment – good or bad.

[...]

I just passed the airport

I’m tired and on my way home

My work is behind

So will be you

I’m leaving this sunny day

Go into the underground

A guitar player plays his lonely songs

I don’t give him money this day

I probably would

I’m here now where things started

I’m sitting here and write

Without any relations

A monotone ground

With just little adventures

Nothing far

Everything close and near

Everything happens now

Nothing is later

That’s why I like it here

I feel like in Paris

or any other lonely town

I miss home

I might miss you

But at least

I’m awake

[...]

It was supposed to be finished here. Supposed to be an end but I couldn’t stop thinking about this situation – about us. I mean we are both really difficult, hard to understand and different – and that’s why I think it could work. It would just fit. If we could forget about this destruction I, we might experience now and just think how it could be. I see you and I see what you’ve done to me in the beginning. I liked to surprise you with words and ideas. I liked to be the person I wanted to be and you brought this forth in me. But I also love seeing you. I like what you’re doing and I’m impressed. It would just fit because we’re both on the one hand so similar and on the other hand so different. I would like to experience how it would be if we would come together.

But I want to take care, I don’t want me to lie about anything. I should just stop, we should just stop before we’re going to lie to each other and our selfs. Not again something based on lies. Maybe we could be even stronger then this and create something that takes more then just two common people. We are both intelligent, let’s create something that fits us! I would like to work on something like that. I would like to work one something that has a special meaning and character in our but not just only our life.

Sometimes I think all this is not normal. Is it just me who looses any relation to anything that’s supposed to feel normal. I mean, can you watch me doing this? How can you watch someone going so crazy? But maybe that’s what it is all about. Going crazy and still keeping a clear mind. Maybe that’s when you get the chance to experience something like this, you get the chance to leave your normal life for a while. You get the present of this little journey. It’s hard to take a deep breath and keep a clear thought. I’ll will try my best to stay as clear as I can for now, from now on. I don’t want to get lost in this. I don’t want you to get lost in this. We shouldn’t just use our strength of thinking just to create this labyrinth. Let’s use it here to treat this in a better way. Let’s have a quick look at the plan. Don’t take things bad or too serious. I really like you and this wont change but I can promise you there wont be anything that shouldn’t be as long as you don’t want to. Just promise, silent, that you will be honest with me and yourself – if you can. I know it can be hard. Be honest and believe in me!

Have a good night – have a good day.

Marco

PS: I guess, I will soon knock on your door and we will talk…

The blood starts to taste sweet and what I want is a lot but I might not get it and maybe I shouldn’t take it. So what I want and what I get can be just one thing. I want to write. I really feel like writing but somehow I feel that there is still something missing. I got so much in the last years. I know I’m not far but somehow… there is one important thing missing. Something that makes the final cut into the bloody flesh of my soul. I wrote what I want and I want it all. I want it black on white and show to everyone. While I’m writing for people here in my blog it seems easy. I’m creative and more or less productive – or the opposite. When I’m writing in my journal something that I plan to write here the same day or a few days after it works. But as soon as I try to write something bigger, something that need more work and attention I loose the relation to it and can’t even finish the first page. Maybe it’s not something in myself missing, maybe there are things in my surrounding missing, maybe it’s a person I need to write for. Someone who can read it and I can talk about. Maybe that’s what I feel, that it might be close but still far away from reached.

But for now, I need to be patience and I wont give up. As usual. There are a few things in the last years I gave up and most of them because I finally didn’t need them or because things, we where hurting each other. Even if we didn’t know. Hurting could also mean that we don’t know where to go and lied because of that. We lied so many times that we destroyed more and more our base. But that’s a while ago. I’m still giving up things. Actually it became quiet an art for me. The art of fighting for what I want and giving up what I don’t need. I can’t call me master of that but I’m mastering my sword when I need it.

But for now I feel like writing some stuff I wrote in my journal. It was meant to be published after I wrote it but sometimes I don’t feel like that. I felt so different after writing this that it wasn’t true anymore. It wasn’t me anymore. Now I would like to write this down here because I feel to show how I might think from time to time. I want to show, to say. Yes I can be difficult. We all are – that’s for sure. We talk about one life but live the other. That’s how we are and actually, since I found love to people again, I like it that way. I like to see and understand people. I like to see the strength as well as the weak in us, under us.

It’s normally a good sign when I feel like that. It shows me something is going right in my life. Today I was thinking about this and it’s true. I think it’s great right now. I would almost say it’s close to be the zenith of the phase I’m in right now. I would be surprised if it would become better. Actually I prepare myself already for the downfall. It wont be as hard because I know how it is and I feel that I can still live from this good time here for a while even if it’s over. I know there are completely new things coming. Probably not sooo new but different. And actually even if I prepare my fall there is still this little thought. Maybe it might be different this time. Maybe there is no circle, maybe there is no spiral to follow. I never knew what the line meant I draw in the middle between circle and spiral. Now it seems to make sense. This is the way from the one, unaffected by the endless turning. But now, it’s time to share my confusion from the last weeks. You will see. I’m a hard fish but deep inside it should all be logic and rational! Just think about. It’s all a reaction and I know for sure. I can react good, I learned to react good.

I start with the next after I wrote first about THE JOKER and I wont correct stuff here because it would change the real meaning. Even if it sounds even for me somehow – illogic – it’s just the chaos of my mind.

“

[...]

I’m surprised myself how much this violin plays my emotions. I’m surprised myself how she’s playing my heart. I want to get more from here. I’m jealous to everyone else who gets the joy of listening while I’m mute and deaf.

I want to see her on stage, I want to be her maestro. I want to see her fine string swinging, I want to feel her body vibrating while she’s playing just for me at night. I want her sweet sound to be the one waking me up in the morning. I want her to be the first sound I’ve got to know like my own,

in my new life in my new world.

But for me. I just enjoy, let the feeling flow. For me this time, I allow you to play my heart. I’m your melody.

(She’s playing my soul, she’s playing the war I’ve to fight. She’s playing the love that keeps me alive. She’s playing hard and strong and keeps me going. She’s playing soft and slow to calm me down. She’s making me done, leading to trance, She’s making my tears, she’s waking my fears. She’s playing my growing hope.)

[a few pages later...]

I am the thief – I stole from you.

I could blame you for your ego that seems to feel the need to protect you from devotion. I could blame you for little things that affect me from time to time.

But I wont. Because I accepted it as how, who you are. It’s part of the person I slowly learned to know. It is what is you and it is why I decided to like you in the first place. And this are things I count for you even after it came stronger in my life. I can’t blame you just because it seems to hurt now. It wouldn’t be fair, wouldn’t make sense to abandon that for what I decided for you. Instead it’s today my mask I have to take off. It’s my mask today that busted into million different pieces. I was fast in collecting most of the pieces but I knew it was broke. I’m surprised myself. I have to take off the cover of lying, pretending. Even now! Just blind loud talking… just talking. I want you to know me. What I showed you was much more then I can possibly be. I’m here. By myself much less – just me. I want you to get to know just me. Why? I can’t stand lying anymore. I can’t stand dying any other day. Sometimes complete, sometimes death in pieces. I don’t know what’s up with me in the last time. I think I lost everything including me, probably you. I don’t know where I was in the last days. In the beginning it was easy. I felt free but then… It was a pain, a room of not knowing that kept me awake, that kept me from working, being part of normal life. Maybe you have gotten to strong in me. Maybe I’m surprised myself how intense my feelings can be. Sometimes I feel happy and start smiling, emotions from the other side come up and I just can imagine how it would be to be as lucky as in this short moments. But maybe this wont happen since you get to know me now. Since it seems that I can’t fight anymore. I was fighting too long!

I wished I would know, know anything. Maybe I’ve gone to far while you.. don’t even know if you know. I will go through it again and just ask you to let me at least do this.

Things will repeat, happen again. That’s what I know. But I accept this as my way. I accept this pain. Don’t take this away and leave me here in loneliness. This would burn me out and, make me dead even before I die. Dried out I don’t want to be.

[...]

Tomorrow will be a different day. A new day, a new part of my life. Everything will stay the same, nothing will change except my thoughts about me and you. Finally I will take it easy and let it go, there will be a time when I start thinking [...] after that I’m pretty sure it will be OK. [...] I will grow again but probably different then before, it will happen again to me … but I’ll be gone.

Have a good night, have a good day. I look forward last time seeing you as we are, we were.

I see stars but it seems to rain [It was really raining, but not one cloud!]

Everything will be fine.

I’m after all, especially now – ME - [...]

[next page]

Q: What is life?

A: People don’t slip when the floor is wet.

Instead they fall over the yellow warning!

[And here is a last short thought that finally lead to my last blog and the picture for it. Or here I just felt that something started...]

I’m just afraid of the day when I don’t care anymore about my feelings. It seems this day is not far away. Should I be afraid???

[...]”

Well and there is more coming but I feel right now there is no time, it’s not the time to write about this. It’s interesting for me to read all this because somehow it shows how I dealt with a situation that became too strong for me, seemed too strong. Right now things are changed. I’m over myself. I went down to some strange roads. I needed to find a creative way to heal my soul. I think I was quiet successful. Even if things are confused they are going to be more real now. It’s a complicated way. But I’m here now as the one I am! I enjoy things as they are right now.

And by the way - I wont regret about things I said, wrote and even thought or I’ve done! I might have people right now that don’t like me, they now why. They just have to accept. I just watched the Dixie Chicks documentation and have to repeat: “I wont keep my mouth shout!”

But anyway. It’s time to sleep – maybe not just literally.

I still haven’t wrote about my last cooking! Damn. I was cooking! And that’s not all! I had someone trying my food! And even if it was reheated – she liked it! Except the olives in my sauce, but I think this was the hidden highlight of what I’ve done. OK, I will tell you short.

Again, I’m more and more surprised, inspired by my old Captain. I made his and my new – Wold Famous Tomato Sauce – with spaghetti. Yes not the opposite! The sauce took me around one hour and 45 minutes!! I will tell you what was in the sauce. It’s a great recipes and almost fail-save!

Let’s start with the base for the sauce. Of course I wanted to save some time, and it was a good idea since it took already ages. So I started with a solid tomato paste base. I used the little cans, two of them, one large glass of essential tomato sauce and the only thing that had already a few spices added - another glass of traditional tomato sauce. So far, a boring and tasteless red ground mix. I used a wok for my composition!

Now I started with the real ingredients. First I cut two garlic toes with a sharp knife into little very thin slices! This was work, you wont believe it! After that I cut a huge, very huge white onion. I was actually surprised I didn’t have to cry. Not a bit… I miss crying. I cut the onion into little pieces because I don’t want that you actually have the onions hanging on the fork… I put a bit less then three quarters into the pot and kept a quarter for later. After that I cut three good looking tomatoes in pieces almost as little as the onions. I found out tomatoes with the stalk are really easy to cut, you just hold them on the stalk and your finger wont be hurt.

Well, now it was almost ready for the stove. Just a lot of salt, pepper and Italian spices. I just put it on low heat because of course there is one important thing missing. The meat! What would be a good tomato sauce without the meat?

I had 400g ground meat waiting to be prepared. I used half of the remaining onions and cut them again into smaller pieces. Then I worked them together with salt and pepper into the meat. Finally I fried the meat until it looked quiet dark and brought it together with the red sauce. Somehow the sauce made strange things. I think the wok was to small for all the sauce. It started exploding like a Hawaiian magma lake…

Oh and I forgot to write about my so beloved olives! In the beginning I thought I just try half of the glass that I actually bought to eat in front of the TV. I had green manzanilla olives stuffed with pimento paste. Again in little pieces a perfect hit! After I tried the sauce it was sure that the whole glass needs to go. After a while the sauce developed an incredible good smell! I was sure that this was the right thing.

The spaghetti were quick. I bought not the cheapest since they swell up to much. To make sure that the spaghetti went out right I tried every few minutes a couple. I didn’t want to destroy my good sauce with bad made spaghetti.

But finally I didn’t. So everything went out great! I was so confident with my sauce I had to write Winnie. And she had to try next day. I already wrote about that… It wasn’t as good as fresh but I think great for a microwave reheated meal. Good appetite! I’m still eating on the sauce. Including all the ingredients I put in there I made more then 2,5l of my World Famous! I’m sure I will make it again. It saves me a lot of time cooking for this week. Yes I’m sometimes lazy. : ) Bye the way – I will move soon. Winnie and me move together, or I move into her apartment since her friend is moving out. So since she liked my first ‘public food’ she has to try more often. I look forward to this. Actually since I’m getting better in cooking, I really get a value in the roommate and single market! “He can cook!?” ; )

Have a good night you all and good appetite again! It’s time now, it will be a long day tomorrow…

Marco

* sometimes a bit crazy – sometimes a cook *

…Never mind for all the untold things. Never mind for the secrets and lies. Never mind for poems about violins we just wrote but kept in the dark because it’s just not the time. Never mind that I feel like more. Never mind that there is something strong that’s hard to control. Never mind how I felt today not just because I was tired. Never mind how everything changed a few hours ago. Never mind about the million things I have in mind. Never mind that my head was turning and spinning last night before I went to bed. Never mind what I decide tonight. Never mind that it is sometimes hard. Never mind that I want to know. Never mind that I can be happier. Never mind that I feel. Never mind that I wont give up. Never mind that cooking is not as easy as it seems. Never mind that I still like cooking. Never mind that I would like to be! Never mind that I like you! Never mind about the flower. Never mind that . . .

From here it’s up to you. To all my friends and guests - feel free to extend.

Have a good night.

Marco

It’s Sunday Morning and I need to go working in about an hour.

People ask me to write more WTC and less philosophical – deep, stuff. Sure I think I will as soon as I feel like doing it. Right now, I had a very interesting time. Deep thoughts, I felt a bit melancholic, almost dark-red romantic but also from time to time a bit demotivated. I would like to write about life hidden in my cooking adventures but somehow I never experienced the power of the question more then now. The question of course is – What to cook? I don’t know right now. Somehow I feel I found a person that gives me inspiration. I appreciate this. Thanks life for giving me this. But when it is about what to cook, can she help me out of here? I’m done with all this pan fried steaks, fish, turkey, butterflies. I’m done with potatoes, doesn’t matter if the normal, the French or the little one. I’m done with tomatoes and finished with rice. So it’s a serious question. It’s a serious thought. I need to see what’s out there on the tables. I need to know what I can do – and I know I can do more then I’ve done. So please help me out and lead me to the answer to the question you always talking about – What to cook?

Besides that. Yesterday, and the night from Friday to Sunday was the time of pain. I woke up in the middle of the night and had the devil of a toothache. I couldn’t sleep anymore I was pressing my pillow against my mouth to stop it, I went from bed to couch from couch to bed but it didn’t stop. I almost went to the Hospital but after hours I slept in from exhaustion. Saturday morning I went to see a dentist. In the beginning it wasn’t that painful, I liked watching TV in the dentist chair while I was waiting for the examination but then as they really started it was pain again. They had to pull the nerves of the tooth that made me problems. It was like hell. In the background there was some kind of talk show about cats where people could call and they gave stupid answers about how to do this and that with a cat. Instead of helping me to forget the pain it made it worse. If I’m in an active pain like that I need to concentrate about it so I can handle it better. But with the stupid soft meaningless, just for seniors meaningful, voice of this talk show host I couldn’t fight against the pain. All the time the dentist had stopped producing pain in my mouth this talk show was calming me down and all my adrenalin went away in seconds, but adrenalin is the best painkiller humans have. So as soon as the dentist started again it was hurting like the first time. And it was even worse, the dentist started talking with her assistant about her cat and that she’s afraid of the noise from trucks on the street since she got hit by one. I couldn’t stand it. If I did anything wrong in the last time, if I maybe ask God and the Devil, can I see how heaven and hell looks like before I decide who gets my soul. This was the outlook I needed. This was hell. Now I’m looking forward to see heaven! I was bending and shaking for pain. But finally even the dentist decided that this show isn’t the right background so they changed the channel and I got now together with another injection the full attention I deserve because I was the patient! After that I got painkillers and even more painkillers. I felt like on drugs all day and had also a very good sleep.

Now I have to make myself ready for work. Right now I work around six days a week, that makes around 45 hours. That’s good, I need this right now to get my head clear and some different thoughts. Sometimes I felt like I was walking the same path again and again and I don’t like walking circles. It’s actually part of my being, my quest to leave the circle again and again so I can go to different places while I’m walking up and down my golden spiral. 06

Have a good day you all and if you don’t have to work – enjoy your remaining weekend and if you work, if you work at my place. See you there!

Marco

PS: Probably there will be an update of this post this afternoon. I just want to give a visual element for my creative motivator, my muse, my Greek Deity.

Part two. Sunday early evening.

About the joker’s faces and living with my Greek Deity in a perfect circle.

Sometimes I’m afraid things will end up all the same. That some things I have to experience again and again. It seems that I never learn to stop playing with the fire. Yes I had some trouble and it was actually not really a new theory. So you were right with that. You were right as you said it seems to be the same, it seems to happen again. You doubt it – I was sure. It’s worthless even trying, right now I prefer to give up. I said I take things easy if it works and I’ll be gone as quick as possible if not. Well, I still stayed quiet long with this one. But now, I think it’s time again to move on. Even if this time I don’t feel like doing it. It seems that I loose to much this time. I feel I’m in an almost perfect circle, but not the kind of circle that keeps me from going on, more this kind of perfect surrounding. Things are pretty good and I feel energy everywhere. Things are going forward and I think this time things can get even better, everything can be close to perfect. Maybe I shouldn’t give up. Maybe I should fight. Maybe I should show what it means to be. Maybe I should be . . .

Live can give us difficult situations to deal with from time to time. Life brings us sometimes together. All of us. Life brings us things you don’t even know if it means anything in the future. Sometimes you’ll get empty persons and still get to like them but you let them go quiet fast but sometimes life brings you persons, individuals that are part of you. Because you just know and see and feel it. You see it in you and you see it in them. I just hope we’ll understand what to do with this situations. I hope we don’t waste because we think we know. The got the lines of the following piece of writing together as I walked home today. It actually integrates a lot of thoughts, worries and feelings. A lot of things I experienced in the past and I feel right now came in to it. So it’s mixed up and is not there to describe one specific situation it’s more here to give hints in different meanings. It’s part of me and part of the ones supposed to understand. We all live in secrets but we all know how to talk. The following is my secret my lie I live everyday to remain me. To keep what I am. We all wear our mask and we might all be masters in it. So is the joker – but at least he’s showing us his mask. We keep even hiding this. Here is my lie:

- THE JOKER -

*

The joker knows

how many faces he shows

It’s the jokers art of lying

the little things that make my mind crying

my soul seems dying

I sit here alone

8

Captured once

forgotten forever

No soul to give

no soul to get

8

I need to stand up

against the valueless being

I’ll show him the mirror

I’ll show him his face

The mirror is empty

his self even less

*

Thank to my inspiration to give my thoughts a face – thank you for providing me with this marvelous photography, with this marvelous image. Now I met the joker – I saw his face . . but where is the thief?

Have a nice remaining Sunday.

Marco

*

It’s all about sexuality, nude, gender

It’s all about hate, competition, envy

It’s all about love, forgiveness, devotion

It’s all about us and what we are as humans

*

In the beginning I planed to dedicate this post to the piece of flesh that someone - God knows who - gave us before we were born. The piece of flesh that separates us man, the male from woman, the female. The piece of flesh that takes control from time and time and leaves us either with pleasure and satisfaction…

I love you!

… or chaos and guilt.

What have I done???

What the F*CK is going on? The reason for this short journey into our pants today is that I wanted to make a point as an response to a topic that came up as I was talking with a female yesterday. I quote just three pieces from this conversation:

“mans misperception of women’s penis envy

…

after all, it’s just a piece of flesh that tries to look macho for god-knows-how-long

…

but I do appreciate it when it comes to Da Vinci’s drawings”

But I decided, not today! So, let’s look macho and get out of here as quick as possible.

Today was a slow day, I made me a slow day. I woke up late but I don’t feel bad about it. I need to enjoy this here as long as it lasts. For example next week might be pretty busy for me. But that’s cool. I went shopping for some fish because I planed to cook. I got two fish fillet, flour and this time red instead of the white mini potatoes. It started raining as I walked back. It was so heavy but somehow I liked it. Even if I got really wet. I had to change all my cloth including boxer shorts afterward!

The cooking toady. I have to say I wasn’t so happy with the results. I mean the taste was OK actually surprising good. But the look. But the potatoes looked burned and the fish felt apart. So it was a mess and since I have in mind to cook for someone else it’s not just important that it tastes good now it also needs to be good looking. Somehow the flour I put on the fish disappeared and this time I tried a tomato with flour and it went out to be the same. I made something wrong. But as I said the taste was good. That means if I have company I need to cook something that was working before. I’m still thinking about the turkey. It was already working twice. So it should be fine.

Another thing. Do you know this moments in life when some things appear more often then normal. It starts that you have memories, thoughts about one thing. A part of a song lyric for example. Then you start writing about it. You use it more often. You use it in conversations, when you write and when you make jokes. Then you see it from other people. It’s seems they have the same thoughts like you do. But you can’t explain because how can they know? Then there are more things that start to be like this and somehow it’s more and more connected. And one day something really extreme happens. You see something, someone tells a story. Everything comes together. It’s a story about something big. It’s a story about things that start to be clear. And then when this story has you, when you really into it. It starts to be even more unbelievable. They start playing a melody all the time, but you don’t know what it is. The same with the persons in the story, they don’t know what it is. Then somehow the first person says something that’s almost the same what you say from time to time and you start laughing about this coincidence. You are impressed by this coincidence. But then it goes on. The persons in the story try to find out whats wrong here and what this melody is all about. Then the next starts saying something. Something that’s the next part of the lyric you had in mind. Something you never said but you were thinking since weeks. Now you ask yourself, how is this possible? But it’s not done, the other persons complete the lyrics to this song, one after the other. And it doesn’t fit into this story. It’s something the person who wrote this story would never write because it just doesn’t fit into it but it still happens. Finally they all meet in a room where they get the answer and now the melody starts to be a song. You recognize the song and now you’re flashed! It’s so unnatural and incredible, it’s like you are with them in this room. You feel like as you were class moving with your friends. Your head starts spinning because you are looking for a explanation. You feel a presence, but you can’t explain. It’s like you are home, it’s like you are together. With them, with you, with everything in your surrounding. You are one! Then you look around and everything makes sense. Things you put in your room because they somehow looked right for you. Things you painted, things you said, things you wrote. Everything came together in this one moment. Everything. You start to be afraid but you calm down because you believe that something that feels so good and right can’t be wrong and bad. Things are start to be different after this moment. It seems that things that were an important part for your self are now something bigger. You are somehow on hold for what will come. You start missing this extreme feeling and the day after you hope that you can memorize and reproduce this feeling and situation. That’s what you wish. But it’s not done. Strange things happen afterward. It seems that you made noise. It seems that you called attention to yourself. But you still have this doubts. You are still afraid. I was still afraid and so I ignored to protect me. To stay myself, to stay in my world with my believes. Things happen in life. I would like to quote from the movie Magnolia “It really happens” And actually Magnolia is the movie that shows exactly one of this situations. Magnolia is one of this stories!

All this makes me wonder, sometimes it makes me afraid. I end my post today with another quote below. I think this are all moments worth thinking about it but in my experience, you need to take care. You can get lost in this faster then you think. What does it mean? Aren’t we ready to experience . . .

Have a good night and

see you later.

Marco

*

“There must be some kind of way out of here
Said the joker to the thief
There’s too much confusion
I can’t get no relief

8

Businessman they drink my wine
Plow men dig my earth
None will level on the line
Nobody of it is worth
Hey hey

8

No reason to get excited
The thief he kindly spoke
There are many here among us
Who feel that life is but a joke but uh
But you and I weve been through that
And this is not our fate
So let us not talk falsely now
The hours getting late
Hey

8

Hey

8

All along the watchtower
Princes kept the view
While all the women came and went
Bare-foot servants to, but huh
Outside in the cold distance
A wild cat did growl
Two riders were approachin
And the wind began to howl
Hey
Oh
All along the watchtower
Hear you sing around the watch
Gotta beware gotta beware I will
Yeah
Ooh baby
All along the watchtower

*

I like the Stones, the same as the Bee Gees and a few other old timer and I know being Aerosmith fan seems to be an old hat too. But since I developed a kind of extended interest in rock in the last year, God knows why, I discover from time to time really cool things. So the last thing I discovered was the well known Aerosmith album Pump. I was never a Aerosmith fan and as I was younger, listening to Manson on the one and Lacrimosa on the other side. I couldn’t understand some of my, mostly female, friends who went crazy about this band, especially about him. They all had a time as they went crazy about almost every long haired rock star. But I really remember Aerosmith. I thought it was stupid and of course I never listened the music and I wasn’t sure if the music was dark enough for me at this time.

But this changed. My black cloth are gone since years, my music taste changed from dark, Gothic to alternative stuff like Counting Crows, 3 Doors Down and singer and songwriter aka Heather Nova, Alanis Morissette, etc. Somehow I think it was all a kind of soft, but in this time I was in a kind of permanent ‘in love with someone’ phase of my life. Yes I was emotional and maybe a bit too sensitive.

Whatever. Then there was electronic and house music afterward. Too many excessive parties, too long weekends, horrible weekdays after. It was fun in the beginning but at the end… Anyway as this part of my life was over as well I had to go back first before I could discover something new. I needed to rediscover things I lost before. So I was back into singers and stuff like that. Much more emotional then before but I think more happy as well. Sheryl Crown was singing C’mon Cmon and I liked it.

After that I changed a lot between the old stuff I liked before the electronic excursion and stuff I just found. I named my self since I was young a Rolling Stones fan but actually I really discovered the Stones just about two years ago for myself. Since then I love them. But now somehow since I’m on the road, no influence from home and things I know, most of the time without my own music collection, I had to listen to the music I had available. It was all kind of stuff but I had to find out that I reacted more on rock and alternative and that I really don’t like electronic anymore. I really hate going to clubs because it’s everywhere the same. The house is no longer fun and it started to be too monotone, even aggressive – everywhere. Most of the people is see there are just lost. I went to clubs in most of the Big Cities I’ve visit. Let’s say from whatever in Paris to Pacha in New York and I have to say it’s really everywhere the same. I can’t help it but I guess that’s done for me. I liked the dancing and I think I was quiet good but with this music they play right now and most of the people you’ll find there… My pleasure and motivation to dance and be there is gone after less then 30 minutes.

But back to rock. For me rock looked so mainstream that I never thought I could somehow like it. But it seems I like it. I remember in a little town in Portugal, I still say the best place I’ve ever been, we went every night out for our favorite Australian bar called Three Monkeys and I was listening every night to rock and first time ever it wasn’t boring anymore. This kind of music got a meaning for me and I explored first secrets hidden in it. Secrets related to parts in my self. Things that just fit this time. I’m not talking about the Satanic touch even if I like ‘Sympathy for the Devil’. I’m talking about the stories been told in the music, the stories that just fit to the easy life I had this time. But still I wasn’t a rock fan back in Lagos and I’m not a rock fan now, neither a Aerosmith fan.

As I said, my black cloth where gone and house lost his beat for me as I saw on the boat together with the Captain the Making of pump movie. I enjoyed watching it. I enjoyed seeing Steve Tyler conducting the other band members. I liked to see this hyperactive, high intelligent person doing his job in a very creative way. It was impressive and of course I also enjoyed the music samples in between. I was anxious to listen to the album but I wouldn’t get it for the next few month. It took me a while to get it but as I finally had it I was disappointed because I didn’t like it. It seemed all the same and boring for me. I couldn’t remember why I actually liked this music and I couldn’t remember what I liked on it either. So I forgot more or less about it. I was again more into my singers, songwriters, alternative and stuff I was listening a few years ago.

But then since Toronto I had again no possibility to listen to any music except the radio over my cell phone. So that’s what I did. Most of the stations I got where just crap except the one rock station, of course. And I think that was the moment as I found out for my self that I do like rock. Again, how did this happen? But that’s it, I can’t help it. So I didn’t know most of the artists and songs and in the beginning everything was new, I liked almost everything. Now since a while I made differences. Some stuff is just overplayed or starts to be boring, some I don’t like even if it’s new. I can hear the differences between the songs and also start to recognize most of the popular artists. Of course everyone knows the cawing of Kiss, the arrogantly voice of Mick Jagger and the memory awaking sound of R.E.M but I never realized Aerosmith. I just found out that I have a few songs I really liked, a few songs that really moved – rocked me, a few songs that gave me power and energy and somehow I didn’t realize that most of them sound similar until or that some of them might be from the same artist.

I got my new computer, I got my stylish white retro headset and I was bored. I thought let’s listen to some music. I was in a good mood, or let’s say I had an intense background feeling for something like that. I was ready to discover. I started with the good old stuff but somehow it almost pushed me away from it. It looked weak to me and almost disgusting. I needed something new, something that keeps my good mood and doesn’t drag me down into some kind of emotional swamp. I needed rock! …that was for sure. But unfortunate the only rock, alternative rock I had was Die Happy – not this time… REM - no time for memories and pump …mmh? Last time I thought it was boring, but let’s give it another try. OK you can guess what comes now.

Wow! All this songs I learned to love in the last month are on this particular album! All the songs I hoped to catch the name one day because I wanted to get them are on this album! I loved it and I love it since then. I like his voice as I like every detail in this songs. When you really listen to this album you will understand why I call him high intelligent. It needs almost a genius to make this songs. I say if you have the resources, just get the Making of first. It’s worth it even if you are not into rock, I wasn’t as I saw it, I’m not into it now. Later on try the CD. Like me maybe you need a few tries before you really like it but then you will have a good time. As I have! : )

Can’t believe I wrote more then one page about an Aerosmith album… Hope I didn’t bore you, if I did … it might be time now for some music experiments. Discover something new in your life. Since music is not just a little bit connected, related to feelings, emotions. It can be worth to variate a bit. Music is the undertone of your young life. Think about it.

…something else in my life? Yes actually there are three things I’m concerned about.

Number one, let’s call it:

- SLOW -

This week I have to say work is not as good as before. Everything is going very slow and that’s working on me but I hope it will be busy soon.

- GUILT! -

Another thing I can’t help myself is that I get angry almost every morning on the way to work. Or let’s say this I’m just starting to help myself because I’m writing, thinking about and I just watch myself and the others. Every morning o the way to work and now also in the evening on my way back. I just can’t stand this people who think they don’t need to make space on the sidewalk. It seems that some idiots think they are special, not just man also some womans in their business dress. I get angry every morning and I know I have to take care with this anger. Yesterday I brought some of this feelings to work, normally no problem because I need just a few minutes to acclimatize. But as I came in on this morning one of the managers told me in front of some other employees I’m fired. I was shocked and couldn’t react, I thought he was serious and didn’t know why. Then he said it was a joke, bad joke but normally I would get it but with this feelings, bad emotions in my head it would make sense even if it wasn’t related. I think our brain can’t make the difference. That means even if you are good at work and never did anything wrong as long as you do wrong in your life outside your work and you feel that you do wrong you will feel a kind of guilt at work as well. …

Almost every morning I hit someone with my elbow or shoulder because I just don’t make space anymore. This idiots. But as I said I have to take care because I feel that exactly this actually makes me to one of this idiots. In the beginning I made no space for the idiots now I almost make no space for anyone that means some of the good guys might think now that I’m one of the idiots. Damn. This is a vicious circle! How can I get out of there without giving up against the ones who think that they don’t need to make space. I hate all this mental disease all the people including me get after a while in a big city like Toronto. I remember a quote from the movie Crash, that played in the City of Angels, that said: “It’s the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.” Great movie bye the way

- LOVE? -

I mention it already in my shout box but here again. Since I made me free from some things, someone… life became better, I felt energy. But we are all very lazy so I experience that I fall back a little into old emotions. That can’t be. I can’t allow this. Everything was good in the beginning. I could undisturbed express my anger and disappointment, could make some bad comments about the puss – what I really enjoyed. I still hate his face and I still hate the thought that she is such a looser to hook up with someone like that… damn.. sorry for the looser. I feel that I get angry again. But that’s what I wanted to say. I could ignore her, lost almost interest but since a few days she shows interest in what I’m doing. She’s coming after work to my room and asking about how things are going. Then this kind of silence and she’s playing with something that hangs on the door as she is expecting something. I don’t like this. I remember I went to her room from time to time and I hated this silence and I hated when she showed me that she actually didn’t want to talk. I was the one playing with her fucking door. What’s this all about? Is she tempted to proof something, does she want to know that she can do it? I say: Get lost! I feel great, I’m on my way and I deserve something more demanding. I don’t like this kind of games. Now I feel again that I’m somehow interested in what she is doing. It seems that I’m tempted to watch up when she’s coming home and that now I’m again the one standing in her door hoping that she will have a short conversation with me that would lead to a sleepless night with talking and so. But this wont happen. My company has a value and I don’t like this to be ignored for some kind of stupid game. I know my value! If she doesn’t – get lost again! I feel angry. **** *** **** ***** *****

But there is just one thing to do. I just need, I hope the last time, to step back a little. That means, I just have to ask here again. I know everything is in the very beginning but before everything makes any serious progression I will, need to ask here the again. I just need to hear this NO again. It needs to be quick. I hate to wait, to waste my time and energy. Since I’m on my own again, I jumped into another sphere of being. I lost worries about stupid stuff. I learned to understand myself again. But to do this everything needs to be clear. That can mean, being together, having great sex and discovering each other OR on the other hand and I’m pretty sure that’s were we are heading to, being on your own. Having a clear line and staying as friends and nothing else. No compliments, presents, silence and playing with the door. So be aware that I will ask you in the next days.

Have a good night you all and ROCK ‘N’ ROLL!

Marco

Superman versus Superhomer. The beginning of a theory.

It’s a much easier job to be a girl / woman. They have nothing to do in the MAN-WOMAN case except being pretty. They don’t even need to make any afford. It’s working even better in MAN’S mind if they don’t. So we are more intended to get what we can’t get. Everyone knows this game and everyone seems OK with the rules. We want to be in charge, here we are – we are in charge. That’s at least what we should think. But is this for real?
Now let’s see what duties come with our leading role. What do I have to be and to do to actually make an counterpart to the womens pretty being?
We, I have to be smart. I have to be intelligent and educated. I have to be experienced, I have to be funny, I need to be successful. She wants me strong and soft the same time! And of course after this basic needs are fulfilled, of course we should still be pretty as well. Next thing I have to make the afford. I have to jump. I have to risk everything, to give everything, to play my cards open and finally…
Even if I give my best in all disciplines - I still get rejected because they choose the number one top guy - or, and that’s the funny part of the whole story, they chose some kind of almost retarded farmer boy who can’t even spell his last name if someone ask him for!
Who can me explain this??? Is there something wrong with the average man? Is it so difficult to make a ‘in between’ decisions besides ‘the simple’ and ‘the best’? I mean I’m really open for every explanation that shows me a deeper truth in that. I know there are some ideas out there. I have some my own, some you hear all the time. But is this the truth? Is it so simple and calculated? Who needs to be the prettiest and smartest in an relationship, or at least who wants to be seen as this, adored from someone who actually doesn’t share the same needs for self-affirmation? What ever, let’s ask now.
What went wrong? I think we man are much easier, at least I am. I mean if I had a few seconds to choose THE girl. *thinkthinkthink* Million pictures running through my head…I googled a few of my favorite movies and actresses with the image search, added nude to the keywords…Catwoman…Catwoman nude…Sin City…Alexis Bledel…what was the name from the one in…mmh… Screw it! I don’t know!
I feel a need to think about this confusion. (J. Hendrix says: ) “There must be some kind of way out of here…”

Have a good night you all.

Marco

PS: Unfortunately I ‘just’ came from work a few hours ago an was going to change my cloth but I never came that far. I just had to realize I sit here in front of my computer screen just in boxer shorts and an open shirt. Does this mean anything? If yes .. mmh. At least I have a higher possibility to be the chosen one and it shows that I don’t suffer under this superhero complex, being afraid to be naked in front of people. Has ever anyone realized that Batman, Spiderman, Superman and even Captain America, they all wear long sleeved cloth. In the winter, in the summer, in the dessert and if they had to go into a Swedish sauna they would still wear long sleeved cloth. It’s getting worse, most of them wear there dress all day long under their normal cloth. Have you ever worn a glove all day or a bandage.. you know how this smells. I just don’t understand…
Again have a good night!
I’m going to watch Galactica now … are you a Cylon???

Today was a wired day from the first breath I took this morning. First of all I have to apologize for some things. I know I can’t all the time do stupid stuff and then just write about it, write how I feel and think and everything will be good. I understand that but sometimes and especially in the last time I just don’t find the right words when I’m talking to someone. It’s much easier to explain a printer to a blind then yourself to someone who is supposed to see much more then you sometimes like. The end of the day was that I made a very bad joke, it was not even a real joke, not even a bad German joke, and it went absolutely wrong. I apologize to you again for this. I wasn’t thinking. I told you a few days ago I got in contact with an old friend again, let’s say what we had was a very close friendship but also wired and strange. It’s actually not the first time that I just take things for normal that happened in this friendship. But to be realistic, there wont be anything similar to this. It was unique, we were just lost and found, somehow reborn out of our past, it was just special. When you can think, say and do almost everything and the other just knows. It was great for a while but it’s still part of me. I risk that my bad excuse will sound with every sentence more stupid but somehow I count this for myself as an compliment for you that even if we just met around half a year ago I see you almost as close as she was. If not I wouldn’t make such bad comment. It might be wrong but that’s what I have in mind right now. Sorry again. Just forget what I said, there is no explanation.

Where are we know? I guess farther then ever before. It seems we are really just roommates and we will remain as just roommates. It just don’t fit. You don’t feel the same as I feel, we aren’t that open minded friends. I knew we came close to at least number two, but I think that will be difficult after today, the whole day. Actually today as I was waiting for your answer of my letter I hoped you don’t say something like ‘You are just a friend’. But now I wish you said at least that but I got ‘we are just roommates’. Just roommates. Yes we life in two different worlds. My world is the one where I like you and have you as a friend, your world… I don’t know your world. I wish I do but I don’t and actually I’m afraid to know your world, I’m afraid to experience what I sometimes feel. Me dear friend. Accept me as a friend, accept that I like you more then a friend. I hope somehow you can understand me. I apologize that I write here so public but somehow, I can’t write you personal again. Not now. It was all planed different.

Have a good night if your still reading, have a good day if you just got up.

Marco

This time I started earlier thinking about what to cook. All the way to the supermarket I made plans for my Canada Day dinner. I knew it will be chicken this time. How ever this likes to be prepared…

In the supermarket. First of all I was looking for some vegetables. I also knew it will be potatoes again - I need to practice! But this time I took the ‘for mash potato’ kind of potatoes, because they look more like to ones I know from Germany. After this I went to the carrots. I wanted to make something like mixed vegetables but since I couldn’t find the other stuff I would need for it I decided potatoes and carrots is just fine. A strange situation happened there with a girl in around my age.

I was heading in her direction, she was heading in my direction and then we both stopped in front of each other. I was looking at her without saying anything and she was somehow looking at me without really looking at me. She did this kind of absence thing that just womens can do. This was wired, I had to do something and so I just turned to the left and grabbed another kind of carrots and checked very professional the quality of them. The ’situation’ was still present and I was looking at her reaction. She seemed pleased and liked this situation as much as I did. She checked some vegetables behind me and then we both left for our primary destination. This was in my case the potatoes I was talking about earlier. I liked to think and pretend I’m this kind of successful and cool active guy who’s cooking every day direct when he comes from the fitness center or something like that. : ) I tried to catch another glimpse from her but she was already leaving the veggie section. It was already over anyway. But back to my dinner.

Next was the chicken. I found quiet quick something I liked, so I ended up with five Chicken drum sticks for a reasonable price. Now I needed some kind of sauce. I went to the instant sauce section again, even if I actually had no good feelings with this. I actually had no good feelings with my whole plan. Plain carrots and potatoes, chicken and some kind of sauce. I don’t know. I found a kind of chicken sauce, it was the same brand like the one I had before, just for chicken. It wasn’t to bad, but do I really want to do this again? I just run over the instruction as I saw to my right blue boxes with different kind of chicken wing preparations printed on the cover. Mmh??

This looked good, it looked actually exactly like that what I had in mind. Cool! I grabbed on of them, some kind of spicy mix but I didn’t want this, then I saw a kind of BBQ mix and this was almost exactly what I wanted. I remember I had BBQ wings at Hooters as we went with Staples one day to the ‘all you can eat chicken wing’ special. It was good but I felt sick next day, after who knows how many wings… So I remembered that was good, I should do this. The box landed in my basket.

Well but know all my plans changed. Since my own plans for the Dinner where so uncreative. In a few seconds I knew exactly what I really wanted to do! This are very rare moments in life! Because I know exactly what I would like to do one day but what to do know?? It was almost a philosophical thing. Since it seems that I can’t create anything creative - ‘a priori’ I have to use all my ‘empiric’ experiences. That means I can’t make anything up, I had to do something that I already experienced in life, something I saw, heard, made myself.

1. So the BBQ chicken similar to the one from Hooters was number one.
2. Number two I saw on the chicken sauce package. I decided to make French fried potatoes! That meant I had to change my potatoes.
3. Number three was again something that my Captain made on the boat from time to time and he was not just talking how good it was, it was also very good and should fit perfect. Number three will be fried tomatoes. Sounds simple but is much better then plane boring carrots and can be a surprise if I get it done right. And the carrots went back right away.

Finally I took a bottle of natural oil, salt and pepper. Unfortunately at the cashiers I had to find out I didn’t have enough money with me to pay for all my dinner and my normal groceries. It took over half an out to cancel some product from the receipt! Finally the manager had to come because the cashier couldn’t do it right. I had to leave the salt and pepper as well as the oil and some other stuff behind. That will mean I need to ask Clem again…

I finished working around 7pm and came home past 10pm, but I was in a good mute. Even if I had to find out that I’m not as creative as I wish to be. Just today I was talking at work to one of our customers about this. He was a blind piano teacher buying a printer. It was a very interesting experience to ’show’ and explain him the printer. He needed a good laser printer to print envelopes. I had to lead his hands to the important parts of the printer and showed him how to do all the adjustments. Finally we found the right printer for him and he was very thankful for my help. He was impressed from my clear way to explain him all the functions. He said that’s typical German and that was what he expected.

On the way to the cash register he asked me a question. First he started to tell me that all Germans are so straight and exact and that we build good products and so on but on the other hand we have creative musicians like Beethoven, Bach etc. with so many emotion in the music. How is this possible?

I said to him that not all Germans are that straight (anymore?). Then I said let’s say in Germany 99,9 percent of the people are like that - typical Germans, but the other 0,1 percent are the ‘rebels’, the ones who swim against the stream, even if they just swim with their creativity. Maybe it needs millions of stereotype German people to bring forth a few of the ‘exceptional’ - in this case exceptions.

But let’s say this, as I said it’s just a stereotype point of view anyway. That means (to clean up with the German facts), besides that we aren’t that exact and straight:

• Germans are funny! Our humor is just so language related that it is not possible to translate it into another ’simpler’ language without loosing the point. Every language has it’s strong and weak side. One of the strong side of the German language is that you have a much richer vocabulary to express little details. And yes I have to agree, one of the weaknesses is that especially the spoken German word sounds almost emotional dead! If you compare it to Spanish or Italian, actually you can’t.

• The next fact, not all Germans are Beer drinking, sausage eating, leather pants wearing BMW driver! … Some of us drive Audi!

• The next fact comes from the US. Not all German girls are pretty and not all of them are easy to get (especially if they are the pretty ones)! Trust me, I’m sure! I saw and experienced both facts! : / … ; )

• Not all Germans are Nazis, just the ones who can’t afford BMW or Audi!

• Not one German likes David Hesselhof! But we all adore Juck Norris! As half Europe and North America does as well. “When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris!“

• and there are many more unresolved facts that need to be straighten out!

Hope that wasn’t too much about the German race.

Bye the way, I’m 24 years old and I feel free to say what I want! Sometimes direct, sometimes somehow different.

But back to the blind piano teacher. I was also impressed that he was so in the life and active. He gets my great respect for that. Afterward I was thinking that I would ask him a question as well but it was to late. I wanted to know if he had a happy life, if he enjoyed his life. I don’t know but it seemed so. Before he left somehow the topic helping came up. Somehow he misunderstood something I mentioned and he started talking. He said that some blind people are offended as soon as you ask them if you can help them. But he said that’s a gift if someone helps him. It’s all a gift and not many people can feel compassion. Compassion is something that needs to be trained like other virtues. Then he looked inward before he continued. “It’s also my gift to others to allow them to practice, perform there compassion.”

I knew already what he meant as he was speaking. I had to give him right. It’s not just that we do good for him, that I did good for him. He also gave me the gift to let him help and let me be – good.

I felt a little angry as he left because of what he said. I couldn’t explain it to myself but I understood it. I understood me anger. He really got me in this case. This are thoughts you just can’t clothe in words.

It was an interesting day. I don’t know right now if I’m in the mute to prepare my ‘Empirical dinner’ today on Canada Day or a few days later. I might join Clementine later for the fireworks at the beach. I’m excited to see a second firework with Clem together, but this time it’s supposed to be a real one and not her anger. : ) Let’s see… I will tell you about.

Have a nice day and enjoy life!

Marco