Freiraum | Open Space

I drop my pants in the subway!!!

It was an amazing even, I had difficulties to find the words for it, I will just paste and copy what I just wrote in a forum:

‘: )) I had a lot of fun. And why they asked on their website that people should leave their cam at home was more because they actually wanted you to have fun! Of course many brought the cam and sometimes I wished I had my cam too but it probably wouldn’t be that cool with my cam in the hand.
After the official even was over I ended up with a smaller group of people walking downtown Toronto to find some food… unfortunately (of course) not many restaurants and food courts like people w/o pants… : ) Finally we got something at the new mall on Dundas Square. The security guy gave us enough time to eat but warned us that he has to throw us out in about 10 minutes.. After that our group was diminished to around ten hardcore people. Somehow, a long and hilarious subway ride later we ended up in a bar in Scarborough where we after a few more little adventures, finally around 10PM got back into our pants… Well, I can say this was one of the most wicked, most weird, most funny and definitely in between of my legs the most freezing day in Toronto …. so far! : ) You can’t believe how many people actually joined us on the street or in the subway as we asked them to take their pants off as well! This was definitely a unforgettable experience of freedom, another kind of freedom for sure. I can say I saw the city with different eyes that day, and even now, the city I’m living in is not longer the same. More fun, more excitement, new people I meet and always the memory: There was a day as I dropped my pants in the subway! Ten years from now on I will say! That day - I was there!!! : ))’

This was the very short story of my experience of Toronto’s 2nd Annual No Pants! Subway Ride.

A mission of:http://improvintoronto.com/

Thanks to Beverly for the pictures and of course for her hot appearance! ; )

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Something you should read at night…

Everything that happened, it seems to me it’s such a long time ago. But now I found out, it’s not even a month since I told you. All this, and it’s not even a month since we didn’t talk. I can’t believe it. It’s such a long time. I miss you, I can’t do anything against. Being normal, being friend, just small talk. I would love to but there is so much. I can’t. I see how I feel and I see you. I see everything and much more and I know, because what I see, it’s just a part of myself. I see your reactions when you have to control, your reactions when you can let go. I see you and I see me. The only thing I don’t see are your thoughts. Maybe you look the same in you? I try to grab moments, some glimpses of love. When will it be over, when will it be right? There is so much that happened since then and I just want to share with you. All the people I met, all the friends I discovered. It’s so much I have to tell you, I know you could share. I would love to talk to you, would love to be relaxed and feel this kind of confidence of sitting together. Knowing and just talk. A few days ago, Saturday night. I had big plans but dropped them all, I was still hoping that something else would happen. Something my feeling tells me. But is it then really true? I was sitting alone in this place. It was raining, the light off, the rooms were empty. I was looking out of the window, watching the rain and the street. I love the sound of the rain. I love the feeling I have when it’s raining. I was in my thoughts, thinking about all kind of stuff. Then I tried to imagine you with me in this room, sitting on the other side of the couch, sharing the same warm light blanket. I tried to imagine the feel, but I couldn’t. It didn’t feel right. I can imagine everything with you, but not to share this real moment of being me, this moment of confidence together safe under this shelter. I didn’t know if this feeling was right. I just couldn’t relax, couldn’t trust. I had other people in my mind, quiet sitting there as friends and it was OK. But why not you? Why can’t I gain this trust? As I was sitting there I had no mask, wasn’t playing a game, I was just sitting as my self. I wish it would be you, getting home and taking the mask off, I wish it would be you sharing the real me. I don’t want to know you just as the Queen, I don’t like me to be the King at home. It has to be me.

It’s funny. First time here in this place I was alone in this room too, talking to a dear friend online. I had to think and was just looking at this room. All the lights were off again and I could see more then ever before. It was as I understood, it was as I saw, I felt it and it was true. I really do love you. It is really you. It was the same moment, the moment we can’t share. The moment when I see my love to you so clear, the moment when I can’t imagine you. There is love, true love waiting at this spot where you can’t be. What can I do? Is there anything to fill the gap?

Is there anything I could do?

Except going ahead and …… …!?

>> Listen to Colorblind by Counting Crows

Your Marco

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*

Every love I give, is love that belongs to her

Every feeling I feel, is a feeling that I feel for her

Every time I breath, I breath because of her

I look in love, full emotions in peoples eyes

Can’t you see it deep inside?

It isn’t me

it’s her you see!

8

I’m watching the few things she says

the few things she writes

A little ‘hello’, once a short little smile

It made my heart fly – I could cry

for this little luck - a few seconds of love

*

I miss her smile. I wish she would give it to me more often. Seeing her sad, seeing her laying on her arms like me when she’s not watching makes me weak, makes me soft. If she would know what I still feel for her. It’s stronger then before. I miss her so badly.

*

I want to smell her skin

I want to feel her amazing hair

I want to get lost in her deep black eyes

I want to hold her close and never let go

I want to close my eyes and be with her

No sound, no talk, no writing

nothing then being just with her

Being together, being one

*

She doesn’t know how much I miss and how it feels. She doesn’t know that I was sitting there and started to cry. Did I make everything wrong? I have to apologize. I was pushing her. It wasn’t me but still it was. I was afraid of loosing her. Now I lost, more then I could imagine.

*

When did I ever cry?

When did I feel the last tear?

Is it the weather,

is it the time of the year?

*

I’m this strong guy going trough life but in still moments I fall into a chair, holding my heart and feel it’s overwhelming me. I wish I could cry more, could cry so long that I feel better afterward. But I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!

*

I leave my past behind

forget everything before because there is nothing

Everything is here now

I’m here and if I should ever say it again then now

Call it lie, blind or not true

But I want to say

I want to say what I feel

I want to say what I should do

*

I love you!

*

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*

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DAY ONE

- MEETING THE PAIN AND CRAZINESS -

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*

SATURDAY MORNING – 09:03AM

It’s Saturday morning. I couldn’t sleep long. It was about 8:45am as I woke up. I’m already weak and powerless. But the night felt good. It was a very balanced sleep and no laying around as I woke up. Last time I was eating was yesterday around 2pm. I expect to clean myself a little today and tomorrow.

About her, I follow what she’s saying and writing. I can’t really understand. I seems in the same post she uses unclear words like ‘him’ for me and someone else. Just separated trough a few sentences. I wish my Chinese translation skills would be better, so I would know if I read this right. Anyway. It’s probably worthless anyway. But what I feel is that she’s angry at me, that she fights me and all my words and thoughts. She doesn’t want to listen is afraid my words make her change. My words don’t change anything, it’s just me! I haven’t give a reason to fight me, there is no reason to show where love is. I think I understand this. If you feel like to cling on something, to push something – I don’t care. I mean yes I do care and still - it hurts and takes a lot not to feel – but that’s the way.

Just think about. What’s wrong? What are you mad at, why do you keep fighting? Why do you have to push some things that are going on? I see how everything changed, you writing, your reaction since – unfortunately that night. You said you wanted to help as good as you can. Be there for me as a friend… Well, it seems you prefer to hurt, you want me to pay back for my self. Payback for things that aren’t supposed to feel like that. Well I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not my responsibility what you feel, . . . what you love, hate, miss or just lost. If you would just understand a bit more, if you would just be a bit easier, not so complicated and fixed to something that doesn’t do anything good for you. Thing could be so easy – special. Not we have to go through all this again.

I feel actually quiet good just my body is shaking a little because of all this thoughts. I even started building my new website. It’s a nice design. I had the draft already drawn before I had the one right now. I almost didn’t want to do it but still I feel it’s time. I might work on this toady to keep myself focused on something else. I might go for a walk if all power is gone. I’m looking forward to see you, even just for a bit. Just to loose a bit this monotone feeling I get here from the internet. Screen addicted I guess. If you prefer to meet earlier, would be fine with me. Just give me a call but not to late.

I’ll write more later on toady.

Bye now.

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SATURDAY NOON - 12:12PM

In love - for a friend.

Hello Lucy!!

It’s a long long time ago since I wrote you, since our ways went apart. Right now I think it’s a good time to write you. Maybe coincidence or just curiosity what I’m doing brings you back here from time to time. It’s a good time now because things happened as you can see. It’s a good time now because I do my first fasting as I said I would. Even if it isn’t as long as it should. For this is just no time but it’s enough to get an idea. I miss your letters and could need them now. I remember that last one, the one that was supposed to be the first one – the one for today. I remember most of the words, I remember the story you told me about the dark alley. I loved this story, it was so much more. I would like to read it now but somehow I lost a few of you letters and this was one of them. But letters doesn’t matter as long as I still think about you from time to time. I will remember you as the angel who changed my life and was part of me for so long. I remember as the Virgen de la Luz was watching over our heads. The time we had in between was good and necessary. We both knew this, we both knew what was going one. In this case, even if we might have lied. We understood.

I’m looking forward to see you one day when my journey is finished. At least my travels, I guess my journey is never ending. And that is good! I know all this here will shake me a bit more and when I’m close to home I might need some time. I’s just amazing how much happened since I left and I just can imagine the amount that will come. There is almost no time to see through all this. Raw moments of enlightenment show me how far I already went and deep inside I’m already feeling that I’m grown to more then just the person who left a few years ago. It seems I’m more and more my own words, my dreams and my own story. It’s not just simple words anymore. I feel it’s me, I’m so close to myself. I accomplished to finally find what was always there. I wasn’t lying as I said who I am and who I want to be. I never was because now I think I can see. I can see myself in the mirror and start to recognize, almost start to love. I feel a strong heart, a strong brain and mouth and eyes who can show that this is really me. I just imagine how I could feel with my hands and body.

I still dream from the mountains near you. I still need to go. At the end of my journey it will be the right time. It will be lonely but I won’t feel lonely because I will have me and all my thoughts and memories I need to write down. One day I will come down. I guess it takes me a winter and the spring will welcome me as being free. It will be the end of my travel and since the mountains won’t be far you might be the first who can read it. I owe you this. That’s what I know. I hope you will be there.

I wish you something. Be happy and lucky because thats the Lu I met!

My Lucy Lu!

Your Marco

…your Mr. Marco B : ) I probably can’t wait until you’ll find it by chance…

[Lucy I just found this letter - you wrote it so much earlier then I thought!! I'm going to read it right now!!]

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SATURDAY EARLY AFTERNOON – 2:04PM

Back from the shower, cleaned from the dirt and smell of last night. It’s time to get out of here. I need something else to see. Sun would be a beginning. I just hope it isn’t too exhausting. I feel powerless from time to time and need to lay down, to rest for a few minutes before I can go on. I have a little headache but I think it’s because of this room here. I liked it so much in the beginning, now I feel stuck in this windowless surrounding. I need light and air! Well let’s see how the city treats me. Let’s see how this day can be my friend.

See you later I guess.

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SATURDAY AFTERNOON – 4:55PM

In the city…

As I left the house I felt weak, not strong and unsure how to handle the day. But some moments where I could show, I can be strong changed everything. I heard music different then ever before. Normally short melodies were extended to long, I was listening what the music had to say and it went direct into me. I became stronger…

Now music is faster, louder. Cuban melodies play my imagination, my fantasy. My memories as I was unbound, stranger on a long undefined road of daylie adventures came back. I’m finally home. People dancing around me. Oh my god, I am dancing – what is happen?? What is going wrong – what is going right?? Sweet music take me away!

The meeting with her was short and friendly. I didn’t want any more. I guess it was supposed to be like that. But it doesn’t matter now. Now I’m here. The sun is hot and heating up my skin. I get burned right now. I love it! Music take me away!

Cuba I never been there but I know it is a place to go. Far away from the tourist beaches, that’s where I will find! That’s where this music really comes from. Many times walked ways but never seen places…

I wish we could share this. I wish you were here and would experience the same! I never had the chance to share feelings like this. This is new for me, less then two years old. I wish we were closer.

I wish we could share the same melody, play the same song.

We should dance! Did you ever dance?

‘De Alto Cedro voy para Marcan
Llego a Cueto, voy para Mayar

El cario que te tengo
No te lo puedo negar
Se me sale la babita
Yo no lo puedo evitar

Cuando Juanica y Chan Chan
En el mar cernan arena
Como sacuda el jibe
A Chan Chan le daba pena

Limpia el camino de paja
Que yo me quiero sentar
En aqul tronco que veo
Y as no puedo llegar

De alto Cedro voy para Marcan
Lleg a Cueto voy para Mayar’

The band is playing a mix between Cuban music and some classic rock.

‘Back magic woman’ with a salsa twist sounds funny to me…

I need to go. But before I will have a look at the souvenirs.

. . .

I just came back…

Well now. Now I got a real issue. I just got the news that the guy who is renting me the room just signed with other people. That means he’s moving out here at the end of this month. That’s what I have to do now as well. So, well, I will be sitting on the street. What kind of faith is this? I just think about, I hope I can get a reservation at the hostel I was staying in the beginning. But I hate this place, this will bring me so far down. I just started to be really productive and so. Now sharing the room with up to nine other guys for a too expensive price. Waste of money, waste of time. What should I do with all my stuff. [Well, but this won't be a problem since I just found out almost every hostel is is for most of the days booked out!!!] Damn! Is there someone else out there looking for a roommate??? Well living with her would be perfect now since the guy is giving most of his furniture away… It never fits. If the one thing is solved the other makes trouble. Damn. This city is pushing me out of here. Damn, what to do? [Now I'm really thinking what to should, can do! Can't believe now that she changed her mind in the last second after everything was so clear and looking good. Head shaking...]

. . .

Chan Chan…

It’s my world… I just feel it

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SATURDAY EVENING - 7:30PM

Hello Tony.

It’s probably unexpected that I write you this way and maybe strange too. But it’s a strange time anyway – not just since a few month. I guess we all could call this a strange time. I said I will write you or stop by and tell you how things are going. I choose this way because I just want her and others to see my concerns right now. It’s important to me. OK, so far… I didn’t get anything related to photography as I wanted in the beginning, not even a job in a camera store. I don’t even think I want to work in a camera store. Actually, no - I don’t want. But I didn’t give up. I gave Toronto a chance. I started washing dishes on a weekend, then packing muffins in a factory outside of the city, and then almost two more month as a dishwasher again. At least the money was good, but the work and hours terrible. Even if I almost needed it, 60 to 70 hours a week seems hard but can be a relief. I call it experience, experience I don’t want to repeat right now. Well but finally since I’m still educated in IT I got a job as technician at Staples. It’s OK, at least I can use my brain, the people are good and I had enough free time to work on my own. I found some very creative people I could share some of my interests. Since a few month then things really got better. I got a kind of life, a kind of life I wished. I started writing again, finished a new website and was working on all kind of stuff. I read books and stuff and finally I had the chance to start with photography again. I’m running around with an old Leika 35mm SLR with a lens that has issues with the aperture, so that I have to shoot everything with F16… But still, I enjoy it because this makes me really think about the results. From time to time I pass your place and I like the pictures you made. I wish I could express myself, me feelings, my hope, wishes and - my ego trough pictures more. Everything that my pictures would show is done and doesn’t need to be a part of me anymore. But I’m working on it. Right now I’m into writing. I guess it’s the best way to express myself right now but it’s sometimes difficult.

I remember as I came to Canada, with big expectations and finally I had to lower down a bit. Keep it real I guess. As we met I was a kind of impressed by your appearance. To be honest I was disappointed not to learn from you. I’m not just talking about photography. There are many photographers out there. I saw something different. I guess it’s my search for some kind of father person. Even if I don’t like to admit it. I wish from time to time that other people, people I can valuate highly could have a stronger influence on me. But I guess we’re all on our own when it comes to the important questions in life. After we met I was talking to some friends in the hostel I was living and told them I found a great person.

Strange, I just feel like talking about all this right now. I have a hard time because everything seems to fall apart. I decided not to eat over the weekend just to get my brain clear. I guess that’s part of it.

I was just thinking how would things be. Would it be different, would I be a better person, or let’s say would things be better if I had the chance to learn from you or strong people like you? I don’t know. Can’t tell for sure. Things never end up as we want it. They end up always different. There is never a big change in our life except if we fight for it, if we are willing to give up for it. Sometimes I still hope from time to time things will be different. It would be cool if you have time to drop a few lines, write me a message, you have my address or leave a not here if you want to.

Ich rufe von Zeit zu Zeit hinaus in die Stille und hoffe auf Antworten, Loesungen, vielleicht auch nur auf die richtigen Fragen. Es passiert selten das etwas kommt zurueck, wenn nicht nur das Echo.

Meine Gruesse,

Marco

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SATURDAY LATE EVENING / NIGHT – 9:19PM

She couldn’t give me an answer. She just left.

It was such a long day. Can’t believe that all this happened today. It’s a endless story and this was just day one. Tonight it will be the end of something. Last week I told a friend this week, everything will be rebound, from shoes, over feelings and foot to people and especially me. Rebound cats, rebound pasta, rebound hope, rebound love, rebound me. A few people even got me to know as Marco Rebound Boerner. Haha. But now he just told me today, or was it yesterday? It isn’t allowed for me to be REBOUND for more then a week. So this night - midnight - I will be just Marco Boerner. I’m happy with this. At least I am. ; ) …I AM

Now it’s time for me to get out, I need a walk, some fresh air before I might try to sleep. I’m sure I will wake up earlier then today and the day will be harder. It will be an endless forth and back. I’m looking forward to some pasta, tomato sauce, maybe a steak with rice for tomorrow night, as soon as the sun went down.

I don’t know about all this, I just know it doesn’t matter what I do I still like her. Can’t even think about my living situation right now, can’t even think about anything else even if it would be important. Can just think about her. All day, all night. Take my love and give me a friend – be more! Why can’t it work like this? I still keep it quiet. I know, hard to believe. You saw someone great, someone special and I wanted you to get to know who is behind, how deep it can go. You met me now. I think I know you as well. I wished I could look behind your dark eyes. I wished I could see, could be part of what’s there. I would like it. But right now. Looking in your eyes would be enough. Just for a second, another glimpse. Another part of you, another part of what is mine.

Have a good night 0%

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SATURDAY NIGHT – 10:37PM

From the bridge where I was going…

‘THE RIVER I STEP IN IS NOT THE RIVER I STAND IN’

I walked over this bridge looking for silence but stayed over the highway in the middle of the lanes. The cars went so fast, hundred of souls. I was watching the movement, looking into the lights. As I left I saw the river, better a dirty channel, the quiet railroad, a dark street with just a few cars, artificial green illuminated gardens surrounded by high fences. Also the bridge was busy. Streetcars made the ground quaking, more fast cars, people and me.

I’m so hungry now. I don’t think I can sleep.

Just on the other side of the bridge there was nothing, a big empty field and some green. I could hear the locusts and felt the silence over there. I would enjoy silence.

Helicopter, lights on the sky, everything is moving. I’m not part of this city – it drives me crazy! I wish you were my retreat. I need you as the person to go and let go. To take it easy, light and soft.

Back in the building everything smells good. I can smell the food from every door.

It’s silly that I still hope one day she might want to talk a bit more, about something more. And I wished she would knock on my door one day – since I knocked on hers for too long. She does not even know where I life. If you ever want to talk.. don’t even know the number, big building on St Lawrence Street and King - #108 . . It’s silly to write this but it’s a kind of faith thing I have in mind so long. I just needed to write this.

Have a good night again and if you really feel as I do now. I’m sorry again!

Marco – someone who needs you!

*

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DAY TWO

- THE FINAL DAY -

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*

SUNDAY MORNING – 9:50AM

I woke up 7:45 but stayed in bed until 9:15. Today I didn’t want to get up because I was afraid that things are like at the end of yesterday. I felt it was terrible. Except the feelings for her… First of all today, my internet wasn’t working, this was a shook but I could fix it. Some very nice mails where waiting for me and made the beginning of this new day much better.

I’m a bit worried this morning about my living situation. I need to make a plan. I hope I can find something not to far from work. Winter is coming and if I’m planing to stay I don’t want to walk for ages trough the snow. But it’s not easy to find something. Especially if you had already what you needed. I’m just not good at this. I can find you everything in the internet, from electronic, downloads, a good dentist, the cheapest flight etc. I’m actually pretty good in research – that’s what I did from time to time for my old employer in Germany, before the army… but I never had luck in finding longterm accommodations. I’ll look for hours and nothing shows up. I have a kind of bad luck with this. Unfortunately.

Let’s see how this day is going. I’m hungry and look forward for tonight.

See you soon!

Marco - not longer rebound.

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SUNDAY NOON – 12:35PM

I go crazy with her! It seems we just follow some kind of pattern. Nothing is real anymore. We handle as we told to do, we handle as we saw it somewhere but nothing is true. And the bad thing is – we do remember the patterns but we don’t know how to go from the one to the next. Somehow this information is missing in our brain. We can’t even tell if anything will be the right thing. There is no proof because all this is made out of someones fantasy!

Now I’m threaten her. The best moment for me is the worst for her. It’s like to little points coming together in the universe, they came closer and closer, crossed each others way but we were to fast, wrong timing, the angel was wrong. So we couldn’t hold each other and make our ways to one strong line. We both went apart as fast as we were coming together. No turnaround now. Distance will grow and grow. Our ways, thoughts – everything more and more different. We missed the point and drift away, shoot away into the infinity.

What a bad end.

…I just wanted to know the truth but from everywhere things show up and tell a different story.

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SUNDAY EARLY AFTERNOON - 1:11PM

You know, long long time ago there was a girl and she took me one thing. She took me the believe in messages. I can’t believe in the untold hidden things anymore. Since then there was just one way, I became the messenger. To still keep believing in this I had to write. Everything I wrote has it’s message because that way I know it isn’t just imagination. I see the messages because I write them. But since I lost this believe I won’t see what other trying to say in between the lines. I’m fighting for the clear truth against every feeling that shows different things, because the things between made me crazy ones, even if I still try to find. I’m not open for anything else and I’m not sure if this will ever heal. I’m going to write my messages but it will take a lot to ‘talk’ to me. It seems I lost one of the most exciting, most hidden parts of interhuman communication. At the cost of very valuable persons, friends, . ..

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SUNDAY EARLY EVENING - 6:55PM

She was looking good today! Fresh and pretty like newborn.

I just came from the city. Had an exhausting walk to downtown behind me. I felt really powerless this time. I was a kind of nervous. I was thinking I hope my condition doesn’t screw anything but I also thought if I can make it like that I can achieve much more. So and I think things went out good. It seems, call it faith or not.. Can’t talk about believing right now. But I just payed first and last for the my new room in Chinatown, close to the Kensington area where I wanted to be. Close to things I like.

I’m close to happy now!

Can’t believe all that what happened so far. It’s been around 53 hours without food, it’s been around one week since the one night, it’s been around a month since it came stronger, it was more then two month ago since I realized you and since got you to know, it’s around four month ago since I saw you first, for seven month I came to Canada, eight month ago I left the boat, over a year ago I left Africa, before that I left Europe and it was in August 2006 as I left Germany to experience something completely new and different.

…A few hours left before I can eat. I’m looking forward to this special “What to cook” because I already know. I smelled every little source of food on my way back home, I’m so excited how it will taste! It should be great! I don’t even cook something special, just something easy and good!

So things went out OK - finally. Thanks to some good friends, thanks for all the mails. Thanks that others could believe as I was struggling!

They are going to break a window in my new room! It was windowless but I will get some light and green in front of my new place!

As I went back everything felt good, light and easy. A baby was looking at me and smiling. I could understand in this moment and would take the life as easy as this little human can do. If you feel good, just don’t think – feel good. I followed the baby’s eyes and was looking at the sky. A beautiful blue sky with little white clouds. It’s so long and it felt so good.

I just enjoy this feeling for now.

And you.

. . .

Thank you!

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SATURDAY NIGHT – 9:12PM

It is done now!

It was exactly 9PM as I finished with my dinner. Wow, I feel different now. It was good. I feel like sleeping and going to bed. I eat so much, almost too much. I just found out I guess I was a bit blind as I started cooking. My roommate offered me some food because he cooked for all but I was so eager to get enough food that I said no. I made pasta and tomato sauce, over this I put three slices of cheese and I can’t believe it myself, over this three eggs over easy. I mean I have to say everything went out great but I felt already guilty while I was eating it. (I almost think it was against faith. I’m afraid to ask if it could show me that is was OK and exactly the right thing to do…) But still I was so hungry. I just forget about the dinner and feel good now. I feel good. Let’s see how my body will take it. What he had to offer, by the way. It sounds now perfect to me. He had about seven of this little gourmet potatoes left, one slice of fish and a whole pot with mixed salad. Good salad, looking very fresh and crunchy. It might have been the better meal. But that’s done. I guess I’m going for a walk, maybe take a streetcar downtown and come direct back. In the next time. I will eat healthy. This experience showed me this. It’s the better way of life. So far, amazing weekend. It was endless long and it’s still not over.

---

SUNDAY BEFORE MIDNIGHT – 11:50PM

I walked again the long way along the streets of the town. Just to meet your number. I had again in mind where my window will be. I didn’t want to knock on your door this time, didn’t want to call. I was just the messenger and it wasn’t just a dream. I was really there. Not noticed by you like the other day before we met in the park, but this time I came alone.

On my way back I went the way pass the park. First I wanted to walk trough it again but then I decided just to pass, just to have a look. But as I saw this place it seemed to be magic. I saw the bench where we were talking under the warm yellow light. I just had to go in. Now I sit here at the same place, get bitten by mosquitoes again. I did not even notice that last time until the next day. It’s a mystic place, so powerful and romantic. I don’t think about the past. I just imagine you were here. But the place is empty, just the green bench reflects the yellow light and makes a glowing spot where you were sitting that night. I don’t even remember that light was there before, not as bright as today.

Yes you gave me something that day. You don’t need to feel bad about it, not angry nor sad. You really gave me a souvenir. You don’t need to be angry because I asked you. I need to be thankful because you gave. That makes you a good person, instead of me. There is no reason to be awake. You have the right to sleep because even if you doubt it you heart is on the right spot. Thank you my girl!

---

SUNDAY - MIDNIGHT

Sit me on a park bench by midnight and moonshine and I will be a romantic!

I like the noise that silence makes

Pasta, cheese and the eggs. Actually it was the right decision! Man that was just good! As a man I need this food.

I like this energy now. Making step by step and no need to worry about.

My conclusion for the weekend – WOW!

Tomorrow I will get me one of these super tasty $8 chicken sandwiches from the coffee shops. Yummy!!

The radio plays:

“I’m still alive

Hey I, I, I, I’m still alive, yeah”

Keeping balance while dancing over the stones in front of my place. No problem!

“I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, but, I’m still alive”

Now the day is over, the day is done. Thanks again to who was with me that days!

Your Marco – reborn and flying around. It almost feels as I would get my wings back!

*

“Alive”

Son, she said, have I got a little story for you

What you thought was your daddy was nothin’ but a…

While you were sittin’ home alone at age thirteen

Your real daddy was dyin’, sorry you didn’t see him, but I’m glad we talked…

Oh I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey, I, I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey…oh…

Oh, she walks slowly, across a young man’s room

She said I’m ready…for you

I can’t remember anything to this very day

‘Cept the look, the look…

Oh, you know where, now I can’t see, I just stare…

I, I’m still alive

Hey I, but, I’m still alive

Hey I, boy, I’m still alive

Hey I, I, I, I’m still alive, yeah

Ooh yeah…yeah yeah yeah…oh…oh…

Is something wrong, she said

Well of course there is

You’re still alive, she said

Oh, and do I deserve to be

Is that the question

And if so…if so…who answers…who answers…

I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, oh, I’m still alive

Hey I, but, I’m still alive

Yeah I, ooh, I’m still alive

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

*

*

---

- THIS IS THE END . . . MY ONLY FRIEND … -

THE END

---

*

I was motivated a few weeks, days ago and then it started eating myself.
But now. I think I’m coming closer to something that’s called balance. First I was deep down then jumped up into the sky. Today was crazy again until I let go some of my thoughts. I couldn’t let go because I thought giving up my thoughts means I will lose control over the situation, maybe over her. It was really schizophrenic at the end. Now I feel a bit better. I mean yesterday I wasn’t feeling good. (*) I was just in some kind of orbit, who knows where. I want to share some thoughts but not go too far again…. It was finally as I understand…

You know, I just screwed it. I went crazy at the end. I loved what we had and loved this little – short glimpse as we both felt the same but we lost, missed it. I tried everything, afterwards I was desperate to build on this short glimpse. I really messed around, went crazy as hell. I guess that was what this kiss was all about. Something I could hold on to, I guess that’s why I wanted it. I knew in this moment holding your hand is not enough.

I felt I was not sure, not direct enough and hoped to reproduce just to make it right this time. But it was all stupid. You were not. I apologize if I couldn’t give up that night, the last days. I just saw no other way. I know I used your trust but can’t even tell my self ‘trust in what?’ (Actually I think I know but feel that I can’t agree completely. But this doesn’t matter now.) I’ll keep my words short since they destroy myself and you are reading with different eyes. Not writing helped me actually to think – I was thinking a lot.

I just went into the subway station. The guitar player was there again. This time I was sure and it felt right. I opened my pocket and he stopped playing. I thought ‘please play, don’t stop now when I want to give you a dollar’ But he was looking around, seemed unhappy, a bit angry and was searching something. Then I saw a string must have broken. But I was sure and still gave him the dollar, actually two. I threw the coin in his cap on top of a few other one and two dollar coins as I passed him. He said ‘thank you’ with a raw deep and slightly romantic voice.

Understanding and surprise.

He looked at the coin and confirmed that it was me – who it was. I upraised my hand a bit to show him ‘OK’ (my thanks to him) while I was already walking away. I didn’t want to get much more.

It’s not about his playing. It’s about him.

The day before yesterday. This where my worries, I hoped, I wished I wasn’t right.:

‘It will end that you go and I stay, I will stay longer until I know you’re not coming back’

I should feel bad now, should be in pain as I said I would. I should feel lonely and down and in the beginning as I started my long way home – thats what I felt. I had to rest, wanted to wait a little bit – didn’t want to let go. I went to my favorite place. A hidden labyrinth between buildings, far away from the noise of people and street. I always thought one day I will walk this labyrinth. I always thought one day the time will be right. Today I was ready. It took me many steps to get there and every single step brought new thoughts and made me think. I passed my worries, I passed my fear, I passed my lies, my hopes, my wishes, my dreams and finally, it took me much longer as I thought, I arrived in the middle. Now everything was clear. Everything that shouldn’t be in my head was gone, everything I wanted to have in my mind was close. I wished a bit closer. I could see the stars and the clear sky, it was a special night like no other night before. The moon was shining on the trees around me and from this moment. Everything seemed to be fine. I can’t explain it – probably it was destiny. I was laying down and thinking for a while before I left the labyrinth. I didn’t walk the same way back to get out, I just walked over it. So I’m still in this labyrinth and I’m going to stay. Maybe one day if I feel the need for it then I will leave this construct of circles but right now. . . As I walked home the night was different then before. I was thinking about her, I was in a good mood. I hope she’s feeling the same, I hope she’s good too. My heart is warm and I can feel her close. I don’t want to hurt her and don’t want her to hate herself for anything. I hope I can show her, that there wont be any reason – I wont give you a chance to hate you. I want that you trust me and I want that you believe in what I’m saying, I want you to believe in what I believe. Words can lie quiet easy, but feelings can not. And my feelings say that this is right! I miss you and I feel good whenever I think about you. I feel my heart, I missed this feeling.

I wish you a good night and just like the new day!

Marco

---

I have physical pain…

It broke this morning, it hurts - it’s pain I can’t explain. I can’t stop writing, I can’t stop thinking about it. It would be so easy, It would be the right thing. But we choose to remain in pain. It’s a pressure I feel in my chest and it’s glowing and I hold it with both hands to keep me from dying. I thought it will be something that I get into that will burn me but it’s my own heart that seems to burn my self from the inside. I wish it would be a pain I could just treat in a hospital - with some pills and medicine. I don’t know what you feel and I can’t guess anymore. I wished you would feel the same, I wished you would understand that I make you lucky already. I don’t want to loose you - I don’t want you to loose me. Don’t watch it break. Please - just believe in me.

---

Normally it helps me a lot to talk to people but now. I almost don’t know how to do it. It seems it’s just up to me. No one can help me, except with being my friend and listen. But there is one person I want to talk to and I feel I could talk to her but it seems wrong. It seems to far away right now. I don’t want to loose any feeling but right now this feelings, this situation we’re in doesn’t allow us to have a good conversation. I don’t know where to go, I don’t want to fall into something that makes everything meaningless and not longer intense. I’m afraid that feelings get lost. I don’t want to be where no feeling is. I don’t want to be someone without this feeling anymore. I wish I could enjoy it.

Yesterday night and also this day I was thinking about something. Getting a souvenir, something I can remember even if it would mean that it would be much more painful. No I don’t want a souvenir! I want something else. A souvenir is a thing that means an end, a little thing you’re looking at to remember where you have been. But that’s not what I want. I want something that means more. I want something that shows what we are able to feel. I would like to give you something and I would like to get something from you.

I was thinking about the beings from the other planet who were watching us from far away. I know, now they had a chance to see us, even if they couldn’t hear. But that’s good because I guess they know much more then we do. They saw what they needed to see, probably they saw what was right – where we are, what we are, what we feel and think. But they didn’t understand the end, they didn’t know why we both went… I wished sometimes this would be the only truth. But we’re able to create – so that’s what we do. I wished at the end I wouldn’t have talked so much, I wished I would have followed your eyes.

I know I shouldn’t write, I know I should stop but… I wrote this morning on my way to work. If you wish me to stop – then you should not read, you should not talk, you should never see me again. I give you the dagger. Now it’s up to you how you decide. Maybe you just need to hurt me, need me to hurt. Hurt me - this seems to be the only way and use the dagger deep! See me crying while you’re doing it, see how the last life is leaving my body while my blood vanishing hand is trying to reach you for the last time. See a last tear in my eyes. See how my last living - loving part burns out and see how my eyes get cold and far. If you have to do it, do it soon and quick. I love you and I want no one else. I want you to be the one who’s breaking my heart if she can’t feel anything for me. Do what you have to do.

[this morning on my way to work]

*

I’w walking on a long way

It seems I walk since hours

It seems I walk since days

A long way of never changing pain

Hundred of different songs where playing

But all sound the same

I’m still not there

I’m still not gone

She’s here with me

But she isn’t close

Not as close as I wish

I wish the same again and again

8

Please hear me

Please feel me

Please be with me

Please hear me

Please feel me

Please just be with me

Please hear me

Please – just – be with me

Please hear me

Please feel me

Be with me!

Please feel me

Hear me

Be just with me

8

I can’t lay down my pen

Can’t lay down my words

Can’t lay down the love I feel for you

8

Please I just wished

. . .

Please

8

I’m not longer me

Not longer part of my life

My emotions are out of this life

I’m part of my emotions

It’s not the same world I feel

Around me it’s just a part of myself

It’s the part that belongs to you

8

I see couples on my way

Different people feeling the same

And I see me and you

I want to share me feelings

I want to share my world

I want to share my love for you!

*

I’m in the middle of this labyrinth and I just found out. Doesn’t matter what comes I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to go back. I’m in this labyrinth and that’s what I take with me.

---

Here something else. Something to please a friend:

A short journey into WTC!!! What to cook!

I thought it will be easy. I thought it shouldn’t be a big deal. I had it since a while and wasn’t worried about it because I still have time to use all of it until next month. So I was lazy and not motivated. But now, hungry as I was and too lazy for pasta, to bored about pasta. My plan was fried eggs! Should be one of the simplest things of the world. But I still had to struggle. I think I’ve never seen anyone preparing eggs. Or it seemed so normal that I just never played attention. So I had to follow my inner feeling. A kind of caveman instinct – how to make eggs over easy! The suggest we should call it the sense of egg!
Well, I put the pan on the stove and put it on a bit more then middle heat. So far so good. But I wasn’t sure when to put the eggs in. My instinct told me I should wait until the pan is hot. Somehow I remember the change of color from clear to white when you finally put the eggs in. But I ignored what helped us since million of years to survive. I put the eggs on the still cold pan. (I have to laugh now while I’m reviewing what I’ve wrote…) Well. Now I’m going to tell you what actually happens when you do this. Because as unexperienced I am in cooking as unexperienced are you in doing it wrong! Now I will tell you the secret, I will show you a different world. The just created mystery of the cold egg – over easy! Maybe it wasn’t the right question to ask what was first, the egg or the chicken. Maybe we’re now much closer to the real question of life! Will a cold fried egg -  over easy be the same as a regular fried egg- over easy??? So… I put it in the pan and…. …. …. nothing happened! Yes, you read it right! Nothing happened! Just as the pan got hotter it started bubbling a bit and some thin parts got burned a bit while the middle was still not done. But that’s it. I think the only thing it does is making it hard to clean the pan and bad air because of the burned egg-white. That’s really it. Well, for all of you who were thinking about trying this once in a life time just to know what would happen. That’s solved, not worth trying it. Don’t overrate this experience! Even if it was great fun for me! Yeeeehaaaa! I don’t know if scrambled eggs will be more fun but I doubt it. No heat – no fun! So let’s get this poor chicken baby burned! (It’s at least not a turtle.. yummy!)
I used this kind of flat fork thing to bring the remaining clear egg-white in a position where it actually got a bit more heat and my eggs seemed to be finished. By the way, can please someone post me here how you call this kind of flat fork thing? I don’t even know the name in German. You use it to turn hamburgers, steaks or to take the eggs out of the pan… It’s important! It’s a secret you should share with me now! Tell me – I need to know! And while you’re writing maybe you can add some other instruments I should know. Like the thing you squeeze garlic with, or the one to peal a potato! … What I also found out, at least it’s a guess. I think you almost can’t burn eggs. Everything thats to much burned will just stay in the pan and wait for you until you’re going to clean it later. So, you will get a good egg anyway. Cool. Maybe I’m wrong with it, let’s see how it works next time. Oh and I added an extra egg as the pan was hot! Finally I couldn’t taste a different between this eggs either. So no matter how you do it – just do it. But of course you should wait until it’s hot since it’s less work and less burned stuff. With salt and pepper, a class of water. A good meal! Yummy again.

He’s a cook!
He’s a chicken??
He’s just lonely…
He’s a rebound…
…
OK you eggs out there. Bye for now, have a good night and read you soon!

Marco the cock – never peacock

Ingredients:

[ no wtf added ]

recommend daily dose / per serving (reading)

Love: 12 / 34

Pain: 3 / 37

Happiness: 40 / 12

Her: 100 / 50

---

Hey what the FUCK?? I decided to end it. I decided it is better. But why do I feel so bad? Why does it hurt, why does anything I see, read, imagine hurt so much? I thought there should be no feeling? What’s going on. You don’t even know what I’m writing about. I need to show you…

My last days in words:

I started writing already this but couldn’t finish it because I was talking to you. What I liked. But things were changing after this…

…

I don’t know what else I can do, how I can show here that I like her. Time goes by and I know soon it will be to late. But it’s so hard and I’m afraid of loosing something. There is always a chance of loosing something when you really tell or show the truth. But she doesn’t make it easy for me. It seems that we already going apart. Maybe it’s done already. Maybe there was never anything. Maybe I was right and she was wrong. Again the same thoughts. Again I don’t want to give up. I feel too much but can’t say what. Is it just the feeling of loosing that causes the pain – but this can’t be. It can’t be it – it can’t be all. Some words out of my journal follow. I know I’m not good in this and if she’s really playing. She’s playing good. I wanted her to play – to play me. That’s what I told her. Maybe that’s what I need to understand. It’s probably easier to hide a good feeling even for myself. But she’s playing just from time to time the good and a many times a lot of my deeper melodies. The melodies that shows – I have something for this music. Here some words:

[this was before I actually wrote my last two posts]

I felt misplaced in the last time. Somehow it seems I just need to give me up – just a little. I should spend some of my time for others. I should dedicate some parts of my life others. Instead of selling me under the price. There are strength I discovered in other people. I should give them just more attention, sacrifice something. Some seem or live unhappy but I know they can be happy. [...] My destination is to make them – her happy. And I know I can [as well as she could make me happy]

Why is it different this time? I reached a point of change. While all the others destructed my life and brought me away from my self and my doing so that I needed, it needed to be ended to go forward. This time I need to go forward. I can’t go ahead without her. It would slow me down, give me a deep break. If there needs to be a better reason to get the girl and to not waste her then this is one! Maybe there was never one before. OK I could agree it was for my best. But now. My best is together with her.

[Here is a part as I really started writing ... but that's what I wont show now. So, a time later, under people...]

My strongest weapon, maybe the only one.

Writing.

Why to hell is it all so difficult? Why can’t I get a clear answer, clear information, insight of something I would like to know? Why can’t I get a straight line? Why seems everything to change all the time. I don’t know what I expected today. I don’t know what I expected again! I have expectations. I can’t believe how painful life shows me again and again, ever repeating in more embarrassing, more hurting ways… I just can’t believe that she fucking prefers to play [...] instead of giving me some attention. It wouldn’t be to bad and I could accept all this but it’s one fine thing – she rejected a look, a glimpse from me. She showed me not to look. She rolled her eyes as she shouldn’t. It was not even me who started looking. It was not even me starting something. But probably I’m the one who’s finally schizophrenic, the one who gets everything wrong. I am not compatible. There wont be anyone compatible. But still I’m not a game – I am real! What was it what I expected. It’s not about sex, yes agreed I think about it. [...]

Lie!

[...] and bye the way. I don’t play games either. But maybe I should. But it’s leading again and again to the same, trying, being an asshole, pretending.

What about love? One the one side people lie about love because it isn’t there – some lie about love because it’s there.

And me? I try not to talk – not to think about because both ways I don’t want to lie about it. But probably I would be the one lying that it isn’t there. Because to talk about love now, she wouldn’t like it. That’s what I’m sure about and as soon as I think about, as soon as I make myself ready and free for love. It’s gone. I can’t hold anything. Even if I wished. There’s no love. Maybe a feeling, maybe a glimpse of it but love. So finally as soon as it would be my part saying it. I would lie – I would say.

Yes – I love.

This night, is it because she’s drunk, is it because I’m not fulfilled? I like the place, I like my surrounding, most of the people. But everything seems so far. Except her, and except the mute, thinking and in thoughts like me, sitting next to me, sitting next to her but she’s away right now. She’s friendly now, just polite. I still like this short moments when she might talk.

[Finally I pulled myself out of it and helped myself as I gave her something later that night. So finally I seemed in a better mood and somehow, she was just left I got payed for it... The next days were good days...]

Good feelings have me back this morning

it seems to be a better world

I’m excited!

Pain transforms to love

Fear becomes pleasure

I look forward seeing you

I’m dreaming of feeling you

I’m shy like the first sunbeams

warming my neck on this beautiful morning

Not sure if they can reach me

not sure if they should but

as long as earth is turning

- they will -

- I will -

- I would -

[Sometimes I think about sex...]

It’s already hard enough for me, for man in general because of course I want to have sex with a attractive woman. I just feel I somehow need this. [...] To handle this needs, that’s already hard. But then you meet a woman you really like, a woman you want to have close to you, a woman you want to care for, a woman you would like to adore in what she’s doing. You’re completely attracted to her. You can’t keep a clear thought and of course you want to have sex with this attractive woman but you also want to have sex with this special person you discovered, with who you see in her. The first feeling is already quiet intense for me but now there are two, there is a second. Having sex and not just this, having sex with someone you really like – you really want to have sex with.

Yes you can say we think about sex, yes we want sex but if it seems that this is the only thing we, I want then that’s wrong. It’s just because the feeling here is much stronger then normal.

[time passed, I was excited because we where going somewhere. I was thinking about the sunbeams all day. But... I can't tell what exactly happened. But at least we had a talk and I wrote about it afterward - but again, right now it doesn't fit in here. It's about me, her and our different 'me's' Who we are, who should we be, who think we are, what do we present, what do we hide? ...]

and finally who we are is not just what we want to show. It’s not just the good. We all have things we would like to hide, bad moments, stupid moments. But after all - that’s what makes us real. That’s what you get with the whole package ‘me’

[It seems long but it felt like a too short time of happiness. It came back what was supposed to come back. I went down, went crazy, I'm confused. As feelings got stronger and out of control.]

I love

I do not

I love

I do not

I love …

I’m in pain right now.

I feel so strange, like on drugs and something else. I need to tell her, I need to feel her. I want to kiss her – hold her close. I don’t even know if she wants it. I was so sure but now – since it is pain…

[it's coming to an end. It's to heavy. I wake up and start to see clear. Awake from a dream...]

She’s not longer a stranger

I’m not longer strange to her

Time is getting tight!

[...]

It’s all so crazy and mixed up. I have great times when everything is right and in order. I feel good but it is normally direct followed by absolute chaos. When I loose myself, can’t get a straight thought. It seems that hell is going on in my head. The only thing others can see is that I might write a bit different – more philosophical, messed up. I make mistakes more often. Mix things up, get confused. I know it’s a sign that something is going on. It doesn’t need to be something in my surrounding. Things can be great but in my head they get out of control. Normally I find a way out – normally I would find something strong in myself to heal for a while but it’s all the time coming back, it’s coming back, it’s coming back, it’s coming back. And finally if I wouldn’t make it. If it just didn’t work out, there is just one solution.

To give up, to break out. This time I recognized – I lost my self already – I can’t explain why it is like this, why it is so painful. I thought at the end, I was afraid I don’t feel, was lying to myself – but still it hurts. It means there was at least something. Let’s get back to normal. This should be real for now. Of course I am lonely – I’m lonely like hell. But being lonely will just hurt less, be much easier when I’m not wanting you. I wanted you, you wanted someone else. Don’t let us play this game, maybe it not just hurts me, maybe it could hurt you too and probably you are lonely as well. It doesn’t make sense to extend this loneliness for both of us. I wasn’t telling the truth as I said in what I believe. I believed it will be different, end up different. I believed in you, in me, in us. But I wrote it myself not long time ago. Believing alone isn’t enough if the little feeling inside says, cries ‘no’

My own words, my own guides come back to me to hit me hard and ‘cold’. This is a fire where I never had faith, this will be a fire where I always get burned. Sure it was different a bit, but never is anything really the same – it’s different all the time. I’m surprised, even smile a little bit that I did it again. I started with pleasure and ended in pain. I’ll find myself and might grow again. I mean I knew all this since the beginning, all the time. I knew it, I wrote about it, we even talked about it, more then once. You doubt it but there are bigger things I guess. I stayed right. It happened again.

But I have no regrets, not for one day, one second, one moment – good or bad.

[...]

I just passed the airport

I’m tired and on my way home

My work is behind

So will be you

I’m leaving this sunny day

Go into the underground

A guitar player plays his lonely songs

I don’t give him money this day

I probably would

I’m here now where things started

I’m sitting here and write

Without any relations

A monotone ground

With just little adventures

Nothing far

Everything close and near

Everything happens now

Nothing is later

That’s why I like it here

I feel like in Paris

or any other lonely town

I miss home

I might miss you

But at least

I’m awake

[...]

It was supposed to be finished here. Supposed to be an end but I couldn’t stop thinking about this situation – about us. I mean we are both really difficult, hard to understand and different – and that’s why I think it could work. It would just fit. If we could forget about this destruction I, we might experience now and just think how it could be. I see you and I see what you’ve done to me in the beginning. I liked to surprise you with words and ideas. I liked to be the person I wanted to be and you brought this forth in me. But I also love seeing you. I like what you’re doing and I’m impressed. It would just fit because we’re both on the one hand so similar and on the other hand so different. I would like to experience how it would be if we would come together.

But I want to take care, I don’t want me to lie about anything. I should just stop, we should just stop before we’re going to lie to each other and our selfs. Not again something based on lies. Maybe we could be even stronger then this and create something that takes more then just two common people. We are both intelligent, let’s create something that fits us! I would like to work on something like that. I would like to work one something that has a special meaning and character in our but not just only our life.

Sometimes I think all this is not normal. Is it just me who looses any relation to anything that’s supposed to feel normal. I mean, can you watch me doing this? How can you watch someone going so crazy? But maybe that’s what it is all about. Going crazy and still keeping a clear mind. Maybe that’s when you get the chance to experience something like this, you get the chance to leave your normal life for a while. You get the present of this little journey. It’s hard to take a deep breath and keep a clear thought. I’ll will try my best to stay as clear as I can for now, from now on. I don’t want to get lost in this. I don’t want you to get lost in this. We shouldn’t just use our strength of thinking just to create this labyrinth. Let’s use it here to treat this in a better way. Let’s have a quick look at the plan. Don’t take things bad or too serious. I really like you and this wont change but I can promise you there wont be anything that shouldn’t be as long as you don’t want to. Just promise, silent, that you will be honest with me and yourself – if you can. I know it can be hard. Be honest and believe in me!

Have a good night – have a good day.

Marco

PS: I guess, I will soon knock on your door and we will talk…

The blood starts to taste sweet and what I want is a lot but I might not get it and maybe I shouldn’t take it. So what I want and what I get can be just one thing. I want to write. I really feel like writing but somehow I feel that there is still something missing. I got so much in the last years. I know I’m not far but somehow… there is one important thing missing. Something that makes the final cut into the bloody flesh of my soul. I wrote what I want and I want it all. I want it black on white and show to everyone. While I’m writing for people here in my blog it seems easy. I’m creative and more or less productive – or the opposite. When I’m writing in my journal something that I plan to write here the same day or a few days after it works. But as soon as I try to write something bigger, something that need more work and attention I loose the relation to it and can’t even finish the first page. Maybe it’s not something in myself missing, maybe there are things in my surrounding missing, maybe it’s a person I need to write for. Someone who can read it and I can talk about. Maybe that’s what I feel, that it might be close but still far away from reached.

But for now, I need to be patience and I wont give up. As usual. There are a few things in the last years I gave up and most of them because I finally didn’t need them or because things, we where hurting each other. Even if we didn’t know. Hurting could also mean that we don’t know where to go and lied because of that. We lied so many times that we destroyed more and more our base. But that’s a while ago. I’m still giving up things. Actually it became quiet an art for me. The art of fighting for what I want and giving up what I don’t need. I can’t call me master of that but I’m mastering my sword when I need it.

But for now I feel like writing some stuff I wrote in my journal. It was meant to be published after I wrote it but sometimes I don’t feel like that. I felt so different after writing this that it wasn’t true anymore. It wasn’t me anymore. Now I would like to write this down here because I feel to show how I might think from time to time. I want to show, to say. Yes I can be difficult. We all are – that’s for sure. We talk about one life but live the other. That’s how we are and actually, since I found love to people again, I like it that way. I like to see and understand people. I like to see the strength as well as the weak in us, under us.

It’s normally a good sign when I feel like that. It shows me something is going right in my life. Today I was thinking about this and it’s true. I think it’s great right now. I would almost say it’s close to be the zenith of the phase I’m in right now. I would be surprised if it would become better. Actually I prepare myself already for the downfall. It wont be as hard because I know how it is and I feel that I can still live from this good time here for a while even if it’s over. I know there are completely new things coming. Probably not sooo new but different. And actually even if I prepare my fall there is still this little thought. Maybe it might be different this time. Maybe there is no circle, maybe there is no spiral to follow. I never knew what the line meant I draw in the middle between circle and spiral. Now it seems to make sense. This is the way from the one, unaffected by the endless turning. But now, it’s time to share my confusion from the last weeks. You will see. I’m a hard fish but deep inside it should all be logic and rational! Just think about. It’s all a reaction and I know for sure. I can react good, I learned to react good.

I start with the next after I wrote first about THE JOKER and I wont correct stuff here because it would change the real meaning. Even if it sounds even for me somehow – illogic – it’s just the chaos of my mind.

“

[...]

I’m surprised myself how much this violin plays my emotions. I’m surprised myself how she’s playing my heart. I want to get more from here. I’m jealous to everyone else who gets the joy of listening while I’m mute and deaf.

I want to see her on stage, I want to be her maestro. I want to see her fine string swinging, I want to feel her body vibrating while she’s playing just for me at night. I want her sweet sound to be the one waking me up in the morning. I want her to be the first sound I’ve got to know like my own,

in my new life in my new world.

But for me. I just enjoy, let the feeling flow. For me this time, I allow you to play my heart. I’m your melody.

(She’s playing my soul, she’s playing the war I’ve to fight. She’s playing the love that keeps me alive. She’s playing hard and strong and keeps me going. She’s playing soft and slow to calm me down. She’s making me done, leading to trance, She’s making my tears, she’s waking my fears. She’s playing my growing hope.)

[a few pages later...]

I am the thief – I stole from you.

I could blame you for your ego that seems to feel the need to protect you from devotion. I could blame you for little things that affect me from time to time.

But I wont. Because I accepted it as how, who you are. It’s part of the person I slowly learned to know. It is what is you and it is why I decided to like you in the first place. And this are things I count for you even after it came stronger in my life. I can’t blame you just because it seems to hurt now. It wouldn’t be fair, wouldn’t make sense to abandon that for what I decided for you. Instead it’s today my mask I have to take off. It’s my mask today that busted into million different pieces. I was fast in collecting most of the pieces but I knew it was broke. I’m surprised myself. I have to take off the cover of lying, pretending. Even now! Just blind loud talking… just talking. I want you to know me. What I showed you was much more then I can possibly be. I’m here. By myself much less – just me. I want you to get to know just me. Why? I can’t stand lying anymore. I can’t stand dying any other day. Sometimes complete, sometimes death in pieces. I don’t know what’s up with me in the last time. I think I lost everything including me, probably you. I don’t know where I was in the last days. In the beginning it was easy. I felt free but then… It was a pain, a room of not knowing that kept me awake, that kept me from working, being part of normal life. Maybe you have gotten to strong in me. Maybe I’m surprised myself how intense my feelings can be. Sometimes I feel happy and start smiling, emotions from the other side come up and I just can imagine how it would be to be as lucky as in this short moments. But maybe this wont happen since you get to know me now. Since it seems that I can’t fight anymore. I was fighting too long!

I wished I would know, know anything. Maybe I’ve gone to far while you.. don’t even know if you know. I will go through it again and just ask you to let me at least do this.

Things will repeat, happen again. That’s what I know. But I accept this as my way. I accept this pain. Don’t take this away and leave me here in loneliness. This would burn me out and, make me dead even before I die. Dried out I don’t want to be.

[...]

Tomorrow will be a different day. A new day, a new part of my life. Everything will stay the same, nothing will change except my thoughts about me and you. Finally I will take it easy and let it go, there will be a time when I start thinking [...] after that I’m pretty sure it will be OK. [...] I will grow again but probably different then before, it will happen again to me … but I’ll be gone.

Have a good night, have a good day. I look forward last time seeing you as we are, we were.

I see stars but it seems to rain [It was really raining, but not one cloud!]

Everything will be fine.

I’m after all, especially now – ME - [...]

[next page]

Q: What is life?

A: People don’t slip when the floor is wet.

Instead they fall over the yellow warning!

[And here is a last short thought that finally lead to my last blog and the picture for it. Or here I just felt that something started...]

I’m just afraid of the day when I don’t care anymore about my feelings. It seems this day is not far away. Should I be afraid???

[...]”

Well and there is more coming but I feel right now there is no time, it’s not the time to write about this. It’s interesting for me to read all this because somehow it shows how I dealt with a situation that became too strong for me, seemed too strong. Right now things are changed. I’m over myself. I went down to some strange roads. I needed to find a creative way to heal my soul. I think I was quiet successful. Even if things are confused they are going to be more real now. It’s a complicated way. But I’m here now as the one I am! I enjoy things as they are right now.

And by the way - I wont regret about things I said, wrote and even thought or I’ve done! I might have people right now that don’t like me, they now why. They just have to accept. I just watched the Dixie Chicks documentation and have to repeat: “I wont keep my mouth shout!”

But anyway. It’s time to sleep – maybe not just literally.

I still haven’t wrote about my last cooking! Damn. I was cooking! And that’s not all! I had someone trying my food! And even if it was reheated – she liked it! Except the olives in my sauce, but I think this was the hidden highlight of what I’ve done. OK, I will tell you short.

Again, I’m more and more surprised, inspired by my old Captain. I made his and my new – Wold Famous Tomato Sauce – with spaghetti. Yes not the opposite! The sauce took me around one hour and 45 minutes!! I will tell you what was in the sauce. It’s a great recipes and almost fail-save!

Let’s start with the base for the sauce. Of course I wanted to save some time, and it was a good idea since it took already ages. So I started with a solid tomato paste base. I used the little cans, two of them, one large glass of essential tomato sauce and the only thing that had already a few spices added - another glass of traditional tomato sauce. So far, a boring and tasteless red ground mix. I used a wok for my composition!

Now I started with the real ingredients. First I cut two garlic toes with a sharp knife into little very thin slices! This was work, you wont believe it! After that I cut a huge, very huge white onion. I was actually surprised I didn’t have to cry. Not a bit… I miss crying. I cut the onion into little pieces because I don’t want that you actually have the onions hanging on the fork… I put a bit less then three quarters into the pot and kept a quarter for later. After that I cut three good looking tomatoes in pieces almost as little as the onions. I found out tomatoes with the stalk are really easy to cut, you just hold them on the stalk and your finger wont be hurt.

Well, now it was almost ready for the stove. Just a lot of salt, pepper and Italian spices. I just put it on low heat because of course there is one important thing missing. The meat! What would be a good tomato sauce without the meat?

I had 400g ground meat waiting to be prepared. I used half of the remaining onions and cut them again into smaller pieces. Then I worked them together with salt and pepper into the meat. Finally I fried the meat until it looked quiet dark and brought it together with the red sauce. Somehow the sauce made strange things. I think the wok was to small for all the sauce. It started exploding like a Hawaiian magma lake…

Oh and I forgot to write about my so beloved olives! In the beginning I thought I just try half of the glass that I actually bought to eat in front of the TV. I had green manzanilla olives stuffed with pimento paste. Again in little pieces a perfect hit! After I tried the sauce it was sure that the whole glass needs to go. After a while the sauce developed an incredible good smell! I was sure that this was the right thing.

The spaghetti were quick. I bought not the cheapest since they swell up to much. To make sure that the spaghetti went out right I tried every few minutes a couple. I didn’t want to destroy my good sauce with bad made spaghetti.

But finally I didn’t. So everything went out great! I was so confident with my sauce I had to write Winnie. And she had to try next day. I already wrote about that… It wasn’t as good as fresh but I think great for a microwave reheated meal. Good appetite! I’m still eating on the sauce. Including all the ingredients I put in there I made more then 2,5l of my World Famous! I’m sure I will make it again. It saves me a lot of time cooking for this week. Yes I’m sometimes lazy. : ) Bye the way – I will move soon. Winnie and me move together, or I move into her apartment since her friend is moving out. So since she liked my first ‘public food’ she has to try more often. I look forward to this. Actually since I’m getting better in cooking, I really get a value in the roommate and single market! “He can cook!?” ; )

Have a good night you all and good appetite again! It’s time now, it will be a long day tomorrow…

Marco

* sometimes a bit crazy – sometimes a cook *

*

My butterfly - my angel!

I had worries while I was doing it.

I was afraid that everything went wrong.

But as my lips, my tongue touched this sweet butterfly the first time -

I got to know: This was not just the first,

it was also the best pork I’ve ever done!

*

• 0.296 Kg PORK LOIN CENTRE CHOPS BUTTERFLY BONELESS

• GOURMET MINI POTATOES

• TOMATOES

• OLIVE OIL, SALT, PEPPER, (GARLIC BUTTER)

It was busy from the first moment but I kept control of it.

Experience came trough.

About twenty potatoes, covered with cold water.

High heat brought the potatoes to boil and ten more minutes made them ready for the next step.

Ten of them cut into half went into a bowl where they got salt, pepper and my good olive oil.

From there they went straight into the little oven. Twenty minutes by 350F on the rack where planed.

My old frying oil I kept from the last session got another use today. The remaining ten potatoes, five of them in half, five of them uncut, went into the wok.

Also the tomatoes I had left from last time were not forgotten. Today was their day. At least for one of them. This time I cut the tomato in fairly thick slices. Strong enough to hold against the heat.

Now I had to wait and watch my potatoes in different locations.

So far everything went lovely. But now my karma seemed to change a bit…

Then as time became tight I started with the tomatoes and the same time I put my butterfly into the pan. It needed so much of the oil that I had to pour more into the pan. Half a minute later I turned the tomatoes the first time and put some salt and pepper on top. I cut into the pork to see how it is. But I couldn’t see any difference. Also the time from the grilled potatoes was over but they still looked not right. So they got another five and a bit more heat, later on they would get another five. I turned the pork since it started to shrink - somehow. It wasn’t flat anymore, it started to be round. The side I was frying now had almost no contact. The same time the first load of the wok potatoes looked done so I took one out for a try. But first I turned the tomatoes again. Put salt and pepper on the other side and waited around ten seconds before I took them out. I think as soon as you see the water in the tomato cooking you should take it off the heat. That’s what I did. It was the right time, a few seconds more and they would fall apart - again. Now I tried the potato I took out and immediately I felt in love with … her? Wow this was great. So I took all of them out of the wok and some of them got already their place into the sun - on my plate, where the tomatoes where waiting to mingle. But there was still the pork, still in his strange shape. I checked the underside and was shocked as I saw that it was burned like after a short visit in hell. So I turned it around. I also put another load of oil into the pan because I think that was the reason why it burned. I said already good bye to the pork. But at least I had my potatoes. The ones in the mini oven where done now but I let them in there for a while. My butterfly started to look normal again. So it got it’s old shape. Now when I think about it, it was really a butterfly and this was it’s last wing stroke. But it also got a place on the sun. So no worry it’s just fine now. I cut again into it but this time it struggled a bit but as it gave up I came through quiet quick. So it just has to be done. It also looked now burned on both sides. After the butterfly I put my last potatoes on the plate and my dinner was prepared. I was still very worried about the pork. But as you could read at the beginning I had to declare love with my dinner. It was so great. I thought the pork will be chewy and hard to cut but as soon as I came through the crust it was soft. And the taste was great. All three kinds of potatoes came out great. But I think the cut ones were a bit better then the others. But just slightly. Finally I put some garlic butter on top of my butterfly and this made the whole thing perfect. It was just perfect! I couldn’t believe it. I’m almost thinking about to invite someone for my next dinner. Am I ready for the crucial test of ‘What to Cook’ for someone else???

*

It’s the last stroke of my wings.

It’s the last throb of my heart.

8

As angel I was born,

pushed out,

fallen down into fire

8

Fighting for love and life,

hoping and dreaming for salvation,

begging for forgiveness for what I’ve become

8

A million times I tried to come up

A million times I reached for what was me refused

I tried to fly with what was left

I tried to catch the last breeze up

8

But today is the day, today is the last

I’m giving up fighting - I’m giving up hope

8

I’ve never understand your sentence,

I will never understand your law.

You punished me without any reason,

the only I can tell sounds foolish - it’s just because

I loved!

*

Have a good night you all.

Marco

I’m really into my life in the last time. It seems to be that somehow I proofed that this way, rhythm of life is able to keep me alive from now until the day I die. My life is so strong, has such a strong influence on my self that even if I run some risks it’s hard to get lost. I will stay like I am, where I am. Everything remains the same. That’s somehow great. I had some situations in the last time, some changes but the main remains the same. I actually like my job, that’s a big surprise for me. I really like it working at Staples. The people there are great and as long as it stays busy I have really fun. My personal life, most of the time I stay at home. Sitting in front of the screen. But this doesn’t bother me so much since I’m working around 40 hours a week. From time to time I go out, do this and that. I also started cooking from time to time. So everything seems to be OK.
But somehow, there are things missing, certain things are difficult to do right now. Changes, new things, creativity. I have some bad habits I would like to change but there is no power, no motivation t do it. There is no reason to do it since everything is working so good.
Things I planed to do are just forgotten.
Things I wanted to do as I came to Canada are far away.
Things I hoped to do as I left Germany for my big self finding trip are almost lost.
What was it, why was this? I’m afraid. I know I had big plans, I had expectations and I believed, had almost knowledge that I will reach all my goals because I had this goals in mind every day. I was working on this goals since years before I even left Germany. But now? When I see my life now, I see the life of others in a similar position and I start to be afraid. Is this it? Is this now my life? I will slowly move on in my job, get promoted every couple of years, get more money, improve myself. Build my life… I also started thinking about family, I never thought so serious about family. I developed a deep wish to have children. I thought about living my life like that. It doesn’t sound so bad, actually it sound good, I grow up but I feel from time to time a strange uncomfortable feeling in the background thats knocking on my door louder and louder.
Then I started thinking about my dreams, my hopes and all the great things that are supposed to be the main part of my life. Then I thought how this main parts move from the walls of my apartment into the basement of my future house and then I saw myself packing up this dreams into boxes to make space for garden equipment, tool and the bicycles from my kids. Later on I put this boxes into the attic and I almost forgot about them as my almost grown up children ask my about it as they put there old schoolbooks into the attic. Here they were again, my dreams and hopes. I opened this old boxes and looked at all this drawings, notebooks, things that meant all to me as I was young and I just had to cry because I knew they were lost. Forgotten, a part of my past and a big piece of my heart. Who would, could I be if I had followed my dreams? Who is the person I had become? What happened to me in the last 25 years? Where is Marco Boerner???
Now I’m here. I still have my drawings, notebooks and it still means a so much me. I like my job, my apartment, my surrounding, even some parts in my self are so good as never before. For example this morning, beginning with last night I almost experienced something that I have to call self-awareness. That was new, I had really great insights in the last years but this was spacial because it seems to heal a scar from the very beginning of my young life. And this are scars that sometimes keep us our whole life from being.
But even this, since a few weeks I rethink, I recalculate my possibilities or I just feel something and somehow I know I need to find my way. I need to find my strength, my confidence and believe that everything will be OK if I try. I’m not as faithful as I was but there is still something glowing, something alive in me that keeps me going, trying, willing to risk again, to give up again, to finally grow again.
I can’t allow myself to waste anymore - I need to experience. I wish I had some kind of mentor that can show me my way. I met just a very few people on my journey able to be my mentor or at least a influence in my life. I stopped looking for this special kind of people since a while ago. The last one I met was in February and even if I wished from this person to influence my life, it didn’t work out. Maybe that’s what brought me down. Things just didn’t work out in the beginning. I didn’t get the experience I wanted as easy, or actually not at all. So I gave up. I headed into another direction. Of course, when I see it now. Dish washing, factory work and now my new apartment and the great job at Staples. Somehow it’s a great experience and opportunity. Sometimes life might know better what experience are from higher value and more important to make right now then the one I think. That’s what happened. But it’s not enough. I WISH I CAN GO BACK. I wish I could track down my old trail. I wish I could go back with the knowledge I got in the last weeks, month, years.
Let’s forget about the girl stories, the cooking and stuff like this. I would love to be back in school. Back on the road, let me be freshman again. How far back would I go. What would I change. Maybe nothing, but I just would like to have more time, more of the early days.
I compare my life right now with walking in the streets of cities. I liked Toronto in the beginning. The way from the bus station to the hostel was great. I couldn’t sleep in the bus from New York to Toronto so I was a kind of tired. It was six in the morning and winter. Still used to the weather in Spain and still the freezing New York in my head I expected it to be like in a frozen hell. But I was surprised. It was short past six in the morning and a few degrees over zero, it felt much warmer then in NYC. The streets were calm and the city looked very clean, also the buildings looked better, all was new and had this positive influence on my mute. But after a while Toronto started to be boring. When you walk from A to B it’s almost impossible to get lost, you almost wont discover anything new or exciting.
I remember one day I found a little hidden park with a little labyrinth in the middle and a church, called Trinity Church close by. I felt in love with this little place, it was so different. It was green, cars were far away and I could hear birds. First time since month I started writing again and first time since month I felt myself. It’s difficult to explain but it seems that here in the city you are just so used to keep a kind of distance to everyone because everywhere is someone around and next to you. You are so used to this distance that you loose not just the contact to the others you might as well loose the contact to your self and wont realize it, until you find yourself accidental - first time after a long period. Like in this park. I went since then every couple days to this park. I took of my headset, turned the music of and when the street noise disappeared and I heard the trees and first birds I could breath deep. My knees started to be soft like I was walking on a holy ground. It was a holly very magic place. Sometimes just a few seconds there gave me so much energy back, I was relaxed, myself again. Bye the way until today I never walked that labyrinth. I said I will keep this for a special moment. Unfortunately I live now in another area, the funny thing is not far from here there is another little church, also called Church of the Holly Trinity. Like the last days in Tarifa and around as the Virgin de la Luz was watching over me, here it seems to be the Holly Trinity. … One day I will walk this labyrinth.
But back to the streets of Toronto and not just Toronto, almost every Street in North America. It’s impossible to get lost. Everything is organized in squares and parallel roads. There are just four directions to go. North, South, East and West. So even if you missed a street you just take the next and you are back.

A few hours later*

Where is the adventure, the challenge of this? I like to get lost a bit from time to time. I like to follow a small path to another part of the city. I love to discover secrets, something I haven’t seen before, something that seems like no one ever experienced this as I do in this moment. That’s what I love on European cities. There are secrets and a kind of personality and character in every street. There are small ways, old buildings, rivers, hidden parks, and more little streets. You just walk and you can get lost in a second if you want and follow the footsteps of people who walked there hundred years ago. You can find lost history, you will be part of the history, an individually part. … You got it, I miss Europe. But what I mean is I need more then four times 90 degrees, four directions in my life – my head. I need this hidden parts, surprises, and things to discover. That’s what gives me motivation, that’s what gives me creativity.

* Well now, what happened in this hours in between of my post. I had enough from writing and my nice but windowless room. So I went to Chinatown. My plan was more or less to buy some fruits but actually I just wanted to be out and I like the Kensington area. It was a bit of an achromatic day, the weather said thunderstorm but it stayed dry and I found it quiet nice. I really enjoyed to be out. As I got there I discovered a little grill and BBQ bar. There was a rock band playing. It was nice. I sat down on a post mailbox and was listening to the music. The band members where all older, some kind of ‘basement band’. We had that topic already today but it was nice to see and even more a pleasure to hear. Somehow it sounded like a collage rock band. The guitar wasn’t that clear all time, sometimes they missed the score but overall I loved it, maybe because of that. I almost got depressive. I was thinking about going back to University just to get the chance to go to concerts like that. But then I remembered a time back in Germany, it was a great time.
We were young, everything was new and fun. We were not thinking about the serious side of life, didn’t had to think about future. I was listening to Manson, walking around in black cloth, had long black hair shaved on the side and in my with patches covered backpack you would find some kind of bong or similar thing to get stoned. Yes it was a funny time. We had some nice moments. My best friend was playing in a band called Polyamory, I’m not even sure how many people still remember this band from time to time, if any. But I loved the sound, I loved the concerts. Rest in peace Polyamory. Rest in peace good old time. The good old time - before everything went crazy in our own small universe. I hope we will one day find the joy again we lost somewhere on the road. I hope one day it will be like that again.
Sometimes on my travels I had moments similar but it never came close, it never last for as long. Sometimes I miss this time and I like to think back.
I stayed for a while an listened to a few songs before I went away for some strawberries and a melon. In the beginning I was unhappy that I thought I missed things in my life. As I remembered I had this but I just forgot this time I was melancholic. Now as I went back home I felt good – in peace because I remembered this great time, because I remembered this time as a good time. And all the chaos afterward? It seems now so ordinary. But it wasn’t, that’s for sure. (I just put the Supersonic Speed album from Die Happy on, this brings back old memories too)
Back in the apartment. I was hungry. Mmh? I was thinking about cooking because I bought some turkey a few days ago but I thought it will be to much things to do now. So I just started making me some rice. But since I had time left… OK, I would make the turkey. The rice needed 15 min, so I started 5 min before the rice was done with the turkey. I fried both sides around 2 minutes in a pan with my good olive oil. I cut into the flesh to see how it looks but it was still raw inside. So I turned it again and both side got another minute. The rice was now ready as well. The good thing was I didn’t have to worry about the sauce. Last week we had a good bye dinner at work and a lot of some kind of sweet cherry sauce was left over. Smart as I am, I had already my rice at home in mind. And that was how it finally ended up. Rice with the sweet cherry sauce, some soja(!!) sauce and two stripes turkey. The turkey looked lovely, the white from the outside was gone and most of the bird pieces had a slightly fried almost golden color. I also put some soja over the bird. The whole meal looked great. It was a less then 20 minutes dinner for less around two dollars. As I tried the rice and then the bird I was shocked - for sure this was the best I’ve ever made! Wow! It was great, lovely, delicious! My last dinner was a little disaster but this was like a gift from paradise given down to me on my plate. Wow again! I was proud. First time that this worked out. (And yes Daniel, soja sauce is a great addition…)
Bye the way. Forget about the French toast I planed!
Next time I’ll try pork. I think with rice again. I liked the rice thing. It’s cheap, quick and as long as you put about 50 percent more water in the sauce pan then it says on the rice bag, it will be great! I have to admit, it wasn’t the first time I made rice. I did it already on the boat and of course I followed the instruction and burned the rice. But this time I was smarter. I also recommend a clear cover to see what’s going on with the rice.
So… that was my day. A bit of a queer (queer as extraordinary) way of writing, thinking, whatever but that’s me. Marco Boerner

“are you ready for a ride with me??” is playing over my white retro headphones.

Have a very good night / Sunday!

Marco

Bye the way because I was just writing about special people: My best regards, wished and thanks to some of the people who have been a big influence on me, on my way. I think from time to time it’s just necessary to say thank you.
I remember crazy ; ) Kathleen who gave me motivation to write and helped me to develop some of my first characters. Even if writing goes slow in the last time. I just can’t tell what’s missing.
Absolut Atman who likes active fighting sport but as well as meditation because he’s a kind of Buddhist. Thanks for making my backpack lighter!
Captain Eugene, I hated him at the end but I made experience for life, stories I will tell to my children and grand children ONE DAY. I really miss the boat. Hope everything worked out for you.
And Lucy who I love in my own way. I’m just afraid to write her because I don’t want to find out that we don’t fit anymore. But I will write you!
And of course there are some more…
Also love back home to family, friends and the rest.

PPS: Mouse pads is for people with complexes. Be brave try something new today. Wearing boxer shorts instead of tight briefs, wearing just boxer shorts at home and using no mouse pad is the first step to a new limitless life!!!

; ))

. . .

Have a good night!