Freiraum | Open Space

THIS WEBSITE IS HISTORY!!!

VISIT: WWW.MARCO-B.NET

It’s no movie, no silly song, it has a much deeper impact - almost like reality! I’m even scared to show it here, but once in a while you have to risk, once in a while you have to sacrifice for the sake of … !

Spring ‘09

*

Once there was a time as I loved you.

Today I am sad.

Empty is the space where you once sat reading your books,

listening to music,

my voice while I was talking to you.

It didn’t work out, nothing did.

This world, this city in particular - just chaos. Squares of tension, no curves of serenity.

I feel sorry - at the end there was just giving up.

I can still feel this hands reaching out, fading away in it’s own dark.

It is over, ‘is so quiet now.

No question about what’s been done.

Just a starring at the result.

A unmovable feeling, a feeling becomes reality, a permanent state of mind.

Rather cold and numb then vivid alive.

What is done is been done.

And we never talked about.

*

Rock ‘n’ Roll!

(*updated)

Be greeted my followers!

It was about time. Today I had the right mood (after a weird and slow start of the day) to process and upload a few more pictures. Click on one of the four images to get to the gallery. Most of them are shot in late 2008 and early 2009, maybe a little later…

!!!! ALL NEW GALLERIES HAVE BEEN DELETED ON MY OLD BLOG AND ARE NOW AVAILABLE ON MY NEW WEBSITE: http://www.marco-b.net/xart/photography/non-featured-galleries/ !!!!

Have fun! …and Rock ‘n’ Roll!!

Okay, now both galleries are online! As I wrote already, no Photoshop or any kind of editing software is been used. Just my cam and a RAW converter. Lots of experiments on my way to find and develop my own style, and just because sometimes something looked cool and worth shooting. : ) So have fun, enjoy, here again the links:

!!!! MY JAMAICA GALLERIES HAVE BEEN DELETED ON MY OLD BLOG AND CAN NOW BE FOUND HERE: http://www.marco-b.net/xart/photography/non-featured-galleries/traveling/ !!!!

Your Marco

It’s about time. It took me a while to even get started, so many things to do. Moving, getting organized, getting my PC to work and of course working itself. But in the last two weeks, every few days a few hours and finally all my pictures are processed. (Not one saw PS or GIMP)

Here we go, the first few pictures of my Jamaica trip in February. This are all black and white as well as sepia toned pictures. The rest comes tomorrow. And I might add a little story to it. But let’s see. Have to do some mans work, need to fix a closet that looks like sh*t. So don’t really wait for it. : )

Okay, now here we go! Have fun with:

!!!! MY JAMAICA GALLERIES HAVE BEEN DELETED ON MY OLD BLOG AND CAN NOW BE FOUND HERE: http://www.marco-b.net/xart/photography/non-featured-galleries/traveling/ !!!!

Your *Penwald ambidextrous* Marco

It’s one of the coldest days today. I’m looking out my window of the place I don’t even like. What I see is part of my only goal. But why? Does this make any sense anymore? What’s wrong with this city? It feels like I failed. Is it just a period or wasn’t I ready enough? Ready in pieces but at the end there was always something missing. A few minutes ago, writing for myself, crying about all this bullshit. Complaining about the friends I have, more arrogant people then real friends, more interested in treating me low to feel higher, and mire interested in their own part in this screwed up world. And the others, friends that give up, always a victim, never their fault, listening to the scum again. I spit on you, stay down where you are! I could vomit on every faked smile, don’t you see I hate you for that! Wrong believer, not able to understand. Why should anyone even try? Life your own life, stay away from mine! I was screaming so many times for someone to come, someone else to talk, someone who would understand. I thought I found this person once, wrong, I was lying to myself. And then I had big hopes in someone else, but even worse, the worst of them all. Educated, might be, intelligent – no way. Polite won’t bring you salvation. See you own lie, liar! But why should anyone question themselves? I can’t even scream anymore, can’t even ask for anyone to understand, for any close friend, for any help. I miss my friends back home, my best friend. As far as we were sometimes, it was never as cold and death as it is here. How naive it was to even think anything could come close to this. No one even knows, has experience what it means. Friends for a lifetime. But home is so far, home is no place where I am able to go in the next years. I don’t want to. But where should I go? Living this year here in this empty town, then going south, going east? Where did faith go. Faith, this pretty smart girl who left this town long before me. I never understand how it can break again and again with us? Are you waiting for me somewhere else? This dammed city here! I came so close, so close to archive my goals, one goal was life! But somehow, great expectations, every week seems worse. Yes I failed, I did not archive anything! I failed my goal! I failed myself! Where is my passion? Where is my love? I was strong, I was someone able to forgive. I was able to give someone advice and my hand. But now? I am crying for advice and as far as I reach out in the dark, there is no hand for me. I don’t even know myself anymore, with my last power I fight to keep up with my ideals. Love, God and everything is gone but I still keep up the few last things that make a difference. I don’t want to go down, let myself down. My life had a value and I just can’t give it up, can’t give it away to addiction and all the weak. I rather stay alone, hate is a strong word but I do hate all this disgusting way of lives I see here. All this pretending, lying, how people influence others just to benefit them selfs, just to keep control over themselves and others. And no one seems to think anymore. I’m so on my limit. The edge again? Did I ever leave this spot? Maybe it’s just me, maybe I do not fit. It’s the easiest to say about me and it’s the easiest to say for others. Always a freak. A long time ago I was called bitter, well at least live had some taste that time. Now it’s not bitter, neither sweet. It is tasteless, it is grey, and it is cold. I’m giving up running behind anyone. I’m giving up wanting anyone to understand me, to recognize me as who I am. I don’t want to be part of this anymore. I was never able to stand it, how people could organize and live there life like that. There is no real action, nothing that is done because they like it. It’s just planing, the one do because they have complexes, because they are much weaker then they would admit and they are nothing of what they try to present. And the others, they don’t even think, things are being done just that they are done. There is fucking no sense behind.

I would swear loud and say ‘Fuck!!’ / ‘Jesus Christ!!’ but he can’t/won’t help anyways. Right now if he would be back here on earth, I would be the first one asking ‘Hey why don’t we nail him again??’ and he would be the first saying ‘YES!’ People don’t understand it anyways. Of course they always pretend. And the closest have the strongest lies. It all sucks! I’m so down, I rather send everyone away, the once that are far and the once that are close enough to be called friends. I don’t want anyone around me anymore. I rather be myself, my own. Leave my life alone, accept we are done! Don’t even try to come closer, not anyone! I tried it long enough. I won’t do anything for a girl anymore, nothing for a friendship, not a bit for any kind of supernatural. At the end all it does is taking away from me, make me feel hurt, in pain, low an less every day. Leave me alone! The only one I’m interested in is myself. I’m so sorry that I gave myself up and away for anything/anyone of the above.

Adios!

Your Marco - driven by the same as you

I somehow lost it, I run into a mess, maybe it was supposed to be like that. It’s weird, I don’t even care, numb I’m watching everything go by. How did I get here. I really can’t explain. Everything happened, one thing after another, one causes the other, nothing able to make me think, stop, no more self-control. Why should I? In this moments, very very seldom in the last time, there is no faith. Away is what I thought I felt for sure. I guess after all this I’m fallen by the first quest, the first challenge. I feel good now, I always do in the beginning, but where do I go? Just a few days ago… well maybe not.. I wanted to say I remember the strong guy, I remember how I was and how I’m not now. But I remember it wasn’t like this anymore. Something went wrong in a strange way. Somehow… maybe I felt long before I thought I did. Maybe I’m just diggin in the dirt because I have to get up. I’m just afraid to break down, not now, not where I am right now. But how can I get up? Do I have the power to do it all myself. Should I do it or should I rest, find some quiet spot, free off the big picture, the trouble, the insanity of being so close to everything. I was close, but I couldn’t reach it. The moment before, I didn’t make, I couldn’t do the next step, to slow, chaos reached my mind before. Now here I am, down, no need to stand. Sitting on the ground, leaning on a three. Watching over the field, looking down the hill where the city is hiding. No way, I won’t run fast now. I should stay here. It’s a good spot. I have to say, well I was close but there is no point in crying about this or even to try to reach out for anything. I should look into my pocket and see what I got. It’s not nothing. Am I able to be happy? Sometimes I surprise myself, yes I am, I am not just able, I really am happy. Isn’t it strange? Sometimes you really think you lost something, when it becomes to big, it grows faster then you do, it leaves the save world of your mind, it’s not longer the heart you’re talking to, it’s the sky. There is nothing in the sky, maybe there is but don’t look up to find it, look inside. My neck hurts, so long was I looking up but couldn’t find again. Anger because of this poisoned myself, no way to find. Now I’m here, had to cut a few ropes, had to let go, friends and lovers, mingling with the people, people I don’t know, people that are far. Far in a different sense - just physical, personal related - they seem much closer to me then anyone. Say hello to the stranger. Say good bye to your love. And to be honest it felt good, I found something, it was me. I was afraid of pain and suffering but surprised of the strong side of myself. Did I learn this on my travel, it is definitely something new. Hello my old friend, hello myself! Being on my own, I think it’s the only way for now. I can’t reach out anymore, can’t grab for any hand in the dark, why do I even close my eyes and dream? Open them and you will see! And I do see, this sellout of my soul has to stop. There are moments when I like to jump into the waves, into the cold water if you want. But I was long enough out there. Time to realize who I am again, time to realize what I deserve. Too many credits have been given from me. Sorry but that has to stop. I reached the border with experience and little adventures on the one and a senseless addiction-like behavior on the other side. It’s not always easy. Sometimes it’s really hard to say what is right or not, I can just listen to what I feel and what I think. So many thoughts are somewhere there in my head, I would like to bring them all on this paper right now but I can’t. That’s why I need this time, let’s see what me and myself is making out of it in the next weeks. One more thing, actually I would like to have one thing, one hand reaching for me, I do not think about anyone particular, not even about the circle of people I know. It’s just I do need a reason, there are a few little things that disturb me. Show me that I sit under this three, show me that I left the filthy ground, show me that I am here and now. I will probably skip something tonight. Another broken promise, two in this short time. I know, but I am tired. Writing all this words and finally I end up where every day begins. I would love to make a promise, but not tonight. I can’t I am too afraid of breaking it again. I would like to believe in my own promises, It would feel so good to promise now and to believe in it. But this week, it did not even survive seven full days. Not even close. Maybe it is meant to be. I don’t go to the gym when I’m sick, today I’m not sick but need some kind of healing. Maybe that’s it. I was so afraid of this day when I can’t do it anymore, when the only way to feel better is giving it up. It never happened that the resistance in me vanished, it was more the opposite, it felt always better as I overcome myself and finally did what I had to do but it became always harder as well. Let’s see how much will be left at the end. Weird last words, I know. … not meant to be for anyone reading this.

Marco

‘See, I wanna jam it wid you’

I drop my pants in the subway!!!

It was an amazing even, I had difficulties to find the words for it, I will just paste and copy what I just wrote in a forum:

‘: )) I had a lot of fun. And why they asked on their website that people should leave their cam at home was more because they actually wanted you to have fun! Of course many brought the cam and sometimes I wished I had my cam too but it probably wouldn’t be that cool with my cam in the hand.
After the official even was over I ended up with a smaller group of people walking downtown Toronto to find some food… unfortunately (of course) not many restaurants and food courts like people w/o pants… : ) Finally we got something at the new mall on Dundas Square. The security guy gave us enough time to eat but warned us that he has to throw us out in about 10 minutes.. After that our group was diminished to around ten hardcore people. Somehow, a long and hilarious subway ride later we ended up in a bar in Scarborough where we after a few more little adventures, finally around 10PM got back into our pants… Well, I can say this was one of the most wicked, most weird, most funny and definitely in between of my legs the most freezing day in Toronto …. so far! : ) You can’t believe how many people actually joined us on the street or in the subway as we asked them to take their pants off as well! This was definitely a unforgettable experience of freedom, another kind of freedom for sure. I can say I saw the city with different eyes that day, and even now, the city I’m living in is not longer the same. More fun, more excitement, new people I meet and always the memory: There was a day as I dropped my pants in the subway! Ten years from now on I will say! That day - I was there!!! : ))’

This was the very short story of my experience of Toronto’s 2nd Annual No Pants! Subway Ride.

A mission of:http://improvintoronto.com/

Thanks to Beverly for the pictures and of course for her hot appearance! ; )