Written for NO ONE!!!!!
It’s one of the coldest days today. I’m looking out my window of the place I don’t even like. What I see is part of my only goal. But why? Does this make any sense anymore? What’s wrong with this city? It feels like I failed. Is it just a period or wasn’t I ready enough? Ready in pieces but at the end there was always something missing. A few minutes ago, writing for myself, crying about all this bullshit. Complaining about the friends I have, more arrogant people then real friends, more interested in treating me low to feel higher, and mire interested in their own part in this screwed up world. And the others, friends that give up, always a victim, never their fault, listening to the scum again. I spit on you, stay down where you are! I could vomit on every faked smile, don’t you see I hate you for that! Wrong believer, not able to understand. Why should anyone even try? Life your own life, stay away from mine! I was screaming so many times for someone to come, someone else to talk, someone who would understand. I thought I found this person once, wrong, I was lying to myself. And then I had big hopes in someone else, but even worse, the worst of them all. Educated, might be, intelligent – no way. Polite won’t bring you salvation. See you own lie, liar! But why should anyone question themselves? I can’t even scream anymore, can’t even ask for anyone to understand, for any close friend, for any help. I miss my friends back home, my best friend. As far as we were sometimes, it was never as cold and death as it is here. How naive it was to even think anything could come close to this. No one even knows, has experience what it means. Friends for a lifetime. But home is so far, home is no place where I am able to go in the next years. I don’t want to. But where should I go? Living this year here in this empty town, then going south, going east? Where did faith go. Faith, this pretty smart girl who left this town long before me. I never understand how it can break again and again with us? Are you waiting for me somewhere else? This dammed city here! I came so close, so close to archive my goals, one goal was life! But somehow, great expectations, every week seems worse. Yes I failed, I did not archive anything! I failed my goal! I failed myself! Where is my passion? Where is my love? I was strong, I was someone able to forgive. I was able to give someone advice and my hand. But now? I am crying for advice and as far as I reach out in the dark, there is no hand for me. I don’t even know myself anymore, with my last power I fight to keep up with my ideals. Love, God and everything is gone but I still keep up the few last things that make a difference. I don’t want to go down, let myself down. My life had a value and I just can’t give it up, can’t give it away to addiction and all the weak. I rather stay alone, hate is a strong word but I do hate all this disgusting way of lives I see here. All this pretending, lying, how people influence others just to benefit them selfs, just to keep control over themselves and others. And no one seems to think anymore. I’m so on my limit. The edge again? Did I ever leave this spot? Maybe it’s just me, maybe I do not fit. It’s the easiest to say about me and it’s the easiest to say for others. Always a freak. A long time ago I was called bitter, well at least live had some taste that time. Now it’s not bitter, neither sweet. It is tasteless, it is grey, and it is cold. I’m giving up running behind anyone. I’m giving up wanting anyone to understand me, to recognize me as who I am. I don’t want to be part of this anymore. I was never able to stand it, how people could organize and live there life like that. There is no real action, nothing that is done because they like it. It’s just planing, the one do because they have complexes, because they are much weaker then they would admit and they are nothing of what they try to present. And the others, they don’t even think, things are being done just that they are done. There is fucking no sense behind.
I would swear loud and say ‘Fuck!!’ / ‘Jesus Christ!!’ but he can’t/won’t help anyways. Right now if he would be back here on earth, I would be the first one asking ‘Hey why don’t we nail him again??’ and he would be the first saying ‘YES!’ People don’t understand it anyways. Of course they always pretend. And the closest have the strongest lies. It all sucks! I’m so down, I rather send everyone away, the once that are far and the once that are close enough to be called friends. I don’t want anyone around me anymore. I rather be myself, my own. Leave my life alone, accept we are done! Don’t even try to come closer, not anyone! I tried it long enough. I won’t do anything for a girl anymore, nothing for a friendship, not a bit for any kind of supernatural. At the end all it does is taking away from me, make me feel hurt, in pain, low an less every day. Leave me alone! The only one I’m interested in is myself. I’m so sorry that I gave myself up and away for anything/anyone of the above.
Adios!
Your Marco - driven by the same as you
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