self
I somehow lost it, I run into a mess, maybe it was supposed to be like that. It’s weird, I don’t even care, numb I’m watching everything go by. How did I get here. I really can’t explain. Everything happened, one thing after another, one causes the other, nothing able to make me think, stop, no more self-control. Why should I? In this moments, very very seldom in the last time, there is no faith. Away is what I thought I felt for sure. I guess after all this I’m fallen by the first quest, the first challenge. I feel good now, I always do in the beginning, but where do I go? Just a few days ago… well maybe not.. I wanted to say I remember the strong guy, I remember how I was and how I’m not now. But I remember it wasn’t like this anymore. Something went wrong in a strange way. Somehow… maybe I felt long before I thought I did. Maybe I’m just diggin in the dirt because I have to get up. I’m just afraid to break down, not now, not where I am right now. But how can I get up? Do I have the power to do it all myself. Should I do it or should I rest, find some quiet spot, free off the big picture, the trouble, the insanity of being so close to everything. I was close, but I couldn’t reach it. The moment before, I didn’t make, I couldn’t do the next step, to slow, chaos reached my mind before. Now here I am, down, no need to stand. Sitting on the ground, leaning on a three. Watching over the field, looking down the hill where the city is hiding. No way, I won’t run fast now. I should stay here. It’s a good spot. I have to say, well I was close but there is no point in crying about this or even to try to reach out for anything. I should look into my pocket and see what I got. It’s not nothing. Am I able to be happy? Sometimes I surprise myself, yes I am, I am not just able, I really am happy. Isn’t it strange? Sometimes you really think you lost something, when it becomes to big, it grows faster then you do, it leaves the save world of your mind, it’s not longer the heart you’re talking to, it’s the sky. There is nothing in the sky, maybe there is but don’t look up to find it, look inside. My neck hurts, so long was I looking up but couldn’t find again. Anger because of this poisoned myself, no way to find. Now I’m here, had to cut a few ropes, had to let go, friends and lovers, mingling with the people, people I don’t know, people that are far. Far in a different sense - just physical, personal related - they seem much closer to me then anyone. Say hello to the stranger. Say good bye to your love. And to be honest it felt good, I found something, it was me. I was afraid of pain and suffering but surprised of the strong side of myself. Did I learn this on my travel, it is definitely something new. Hello my old friend, hello myself! Being on my own, I think it’s the only way for now. I can’t reach out anymore, can’t grab for any hand in the dark, why do I even close my eyes and dream? Open them and you will see! And I do see, this sellout of my soul has to stop. There are moments when I like to jump into the waves, into the cold water if you want. But I was long enough out there. Time to realize who I am again, time to realize what I deserve. Too many credits have been given from me. Sorry but that has to stop. I reached the border with experience and little adventures on the one and a senseless addiction-like behavior on the other side. It’s not always easy. Sometimes it’s really hard to say what is right or not, I can just listen to what I feel and what I think. So many thoughts are somewhere there in my head, I would like to bring them all on this paper right now but I can’t. That’s why I need this time, let’s see what me and myself is making out of it in the next weeks. One more thing, actually I would like to have one thing, one hand reaching for me, I do not think about anyone particular, not even about the circle of people I know. It’s just I do need a reason, there are a few little things that disturb me. Show me that I sit under this three, show me that I left the filthy ground, show me that I am here and now. I will probably skip something tonight. Another broken promise, two in this short time. I know, but I am tired. Writing all this words and finally I end up where every day begins. I would love to make a promise, but not tonight. I can’t I am too afraid of breaking it again. I would like to believe in my own promises, It would feel so good to promise now and to believe in it. But this week, it did not even survive seven full days. Not even close. Maybe it is meant to be. I don’t go to the gym when I’m sick, today I’m not sick but need some kind of healing. Maybe that’s it. I was so afraid of this day when I can’t do it anymore, when the only way to feel better is giving it up. It never happened that the resistance in me vanished, it was more the opposite, it felt always better as I overcome myself and finally did what I had to do but it became always harder as well. Let’s see how much will be left at the end. Weird last words, I know. … not meant to be for anyone reading this.
Marco
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