[anal : anal, Anal-, den After betreffend, pedantisch, pingelig{ugs.}]

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008 @ 11:31 pm | *all*, daily life, myself, work

Someone asked me a couple times, ‘Why??’ ‘Why??’ ‘Why did you do it??’ My answer was ‘I don’t know, I needed it, and you know. I feel much better this way!!’ And it’s still what I would say. Seeing her furious, reacting, me ignoring, even changing her name. It was what I needed, I needed this response, better then nothing. Better this then nothing at all. From now one she can be quiet if she wants to. [ - But you know – actually you shouldn't be quiet at all!!! - ] And finally, she should keep it, I hope she doesn’t bring it back, if she does she can direct break it, tear it apart. Finally she took it home. How did I enjoy to look at her today. Something changed. It was as I could…, I could see her! Even if she pretends to hate me now. I could see. You know girl, you’re a tough nut!

My day started too crazy. I started late and as I came in I was confronted by hectic and chaos. Everything seemed to be messed and screwed up. Very angry people where calling, or came angry into the store. Things got lost, everything was on risk. Million people called, paged, talked to me at the same time. I was turning around like a male ballet dancer, or better a ice figure skater. It was so much trouble and all happened the same time. Phone was ringing in the pocket while Tim handed me another one, important pending paperwork in the left hand, a computer under the right arm, the same arm I tried to open the door with Shawn’s keys. To be honest, I liked this morning. It was so much fun! Making all this screwed up things straight. Showing what I could do. Showing that I can handle it. And yes, I handled it very well. One business guy, he seems in the mid 30’s, quiet young and looks very smart. He’s getting all the time so angry and is making a big story. Somehow I know how to handle him. At least he likes my explanations. He’s getting all friendly as soon as I joined the conversation with Tom and after all the air is out. I guess he likes my explanation of things. Well, I knew his laptop might be physically lost but I could please him for now and he walked out with a smile. He was happy that he could express his anger and ego so freely, he leaves always with a smile, still in hectic. I guess that’s what makes us guys happy. Letting the air out and saying things you wouldn’t say normally. It’s really something to express yourself! Just thinking about was worth a deep breath. Another women who took about an hour of my time was also very pleased with me. I was climbing on ladders to get her some instructions. Well, the first time I was really weak, somehow I felt quiet some fear. But there was just no time for it so I had to go. Well this cleaned my head. I found the right thoughts. Later one I was happy every time I could climb up, did not even ask for any support. It was exciting to feel the deep beside of me, it was exciting to feel the risk. If I had the chance to go higher, I probably would. But the building sets me some limits. : ) I was actually amazed by myself how much I had under control. I was just thinking, ‘Well, now I have to fix this mess, I have to stay calm and clear’ It took me a while to organize and find the right thoughts again, already the second time. The thought that said, ‘you’ll just do it’, ‘you’ll just handle it!’ It was such a rush, three hours later, almost everything was done. I was excited, full of euphoria. I had to smile myself now. It was time for lunch.

A curiosity happened. Something small I feel to mention here. As I was waiting for my cheeseburger I was leaning on a wall and looking at myself in a big mirror on the opposite wall. I was reflecting about myself and also just watching me. (lol… I remember something now…) So, I was in my thoughts as some guy came and started weaving over the mirror, he started cleaning it. He was cleaning just one spot, it was exactly me. He cleaned ‘me’ in the mirror! I felt that seems right. I was pleased. What a strange morning, what a strange day.

Now, the thing I just remembered. Haha… Fucking language barrier! There was a very hyper woman in the store a few days ago. She was complaining about some ink she bought the other day. I was talking to her for quiet a while. She told me the whole story… as usual. It was actually a funny conversation. In the last time I like to talk to the customers. It’s not so formal anymore. It’s somehow personal. That’s cool. Being human and not some kind of machine. I know, I know. I called myself many times a Cylon, and probably I am. But we are like humans, even more! Don’t you know, don’t you understand it?? : ) Anyway. She was talking and talking and between she had to explain herself, had to excuse her talking. She would say stuff like: ‘I’m very pedantic’ and similar. One she repeated again and again and I didn’t even respond, didn’t react but in the hurry of the situation I couldn’t make my mind up about this, what it means. I also had to think about something I read once that someone wrote. She kept repeating that she’s very anal. Why is she anal?? My vocabulary wasn’t sufficient enough to get it right. She repeated it all the time but didn’t say it loud, she was more talking to herself and just me. No one but her and barely me should hear her confassion/self-criticism. And even if I didn’t think about it. I don’t know which part of my brain, the subconsciousness or the more conscious part was asking if she’s really saying she’s anal, while the other part knew it can’t mean that. I have to laugh now… ahaa… I translated it a few minutes ago. Hahaha…. [anal : anal, Anal-, den After betreffend, pedantisch, pingelig{ugs.}] Well, sometimes language is so useless and dispensable. A friend said once to me ‘Language is just there to lie to themselves’ Maybe it’s true. At least in this case it caused a very interesting situation. To bad actually… : P

What a strange day, oh and by the way. Something I might have seen today, I saw it already, I knew already… anyway..

Have a nice night. Read and SEE you soon!

Your Marco.

Winnie – …still love you! THIS is no LIE!!!

PS: I liked this morning so much, why isn’t it all the time like this? I’m in the wrong business! I need some challenge, I have so much potential and can’t use it. I was doing so much better under this stress. My English was great, I was quick and made things just right. If there is no such pressure it seems things are just less important and you screw up just to kill some time. I should look around, keep my eyes open and think about this.