Freiraum | Open Space

The blood starts to taste sweet and what I want is a lot but I might not get it and maybe I shouldn’t take it. So what I want and what I get can be just one thing. I want to write. I really feel like writing but somehow I feel that there is still something missing. I got so much in the last years. I know I’m not far but somehow… there is one important thing missing. Something that makes the final cut into the bloody flesh of my soul. I wrote what I want and I want it all. I want it black on white and show to everyone. While I’m writing for people here in my blog it seems easy. I’m creative and more or less productive – or the opposite. When I’m writing in my journal something that I plan to write here the same day or a few days after it works. But as soon as I try to write something bigger, something that need more work and attention I loose the relation to it and can’t even finish the first page. Maybe it’s not something in myself missing, maybe there are things in my surrounding missing, maybe it’s a person I need to write for. Someone who can read it and I can talk about. Maybe that’s what I feel, that it might be close but still far away from reached.

But for now, I need to be patience and I wont give up. As usual. There are a few things in the last years I gave up and most of them because I finally didn’t need them or because things, we where hurting each other. Even if we didn’t know. Hurting could also mean that we don’t know where to go and lied because of that. We lied so many times that we destroyed more and more our base. But that’s a while ago. I’m still giving up things. Actually it became quiet an art for me. The art of fighting for what I want and giving up what I don’t need. I can’t call me master of that but I’m mastering my sword when I need it.

But for now I feel like writing some stuff I wrote in my journal. It was meant to be published after I wrote it but sometimes I don’t feel like that. I felt so different after writing this that it wasn’t true anymore. It wasn’t me anymore. Now I would like to write this down here because I feel to show how I might think from time to time. I want to show, to say. Yes I can be difficult. We all are – that’s for sure. We talk about one life but live the other. That’s how we are and actually, since I found love to people again, I like it that way. I like to see and understand people. I like to see the strength as well as the weak in us, under us.

It’s normally a good sign when I feel like that. It shows me something is going right in my life. Today I was thinking about this and it’s true. I think it’s great right now. I would almost say it’s close to be the zenith of the phase I’m in right now. I would be surprised if it would become better. Actually I prepare myself already for the downfall. It wont be as hard because I know how it is and I feel that I can still live from this good time here for a while even if it’s over. I know there are completely new things coming. Probably not sooo new but different. And actually even if I prepare my fall there is still this little thought. Maybe it might be different this time. Maybe there is no circle, maybe there is no spiral to follow. I never knew what the line meant I draw in the middle between circle and spiral. Now it seems to make sense. This is the way from the one, unaffected by the endless turning. But now, it’s time to share my confusion from the last weeks. You will see. I’m a hard fish but deep inside it should all be logic and rational! Just think about. It’s all a reaction and I know for sure. I can react good, I learned to react good.

I start with the next after I wrote first about THE JOKER and I wont correct stuff here because it would change the real meaning. Even if it sounds even for me somehow – illogic – it’s just the chaos of my mind.

“

[...]

I’m surprised myself how much this violin plays my emotions. I’m surprised myself how she’s playing my heart. I want to get more from here. I’m jealous to everyone else who gets the joy of listening while I’m mute and deaf.

I want to see her on stage, I want to be her maestro. I want to see her fine string swinging, I want to feel her body vibrating while she’s playing just for me at night. I want her sweet sound to be the one waking me up in the morning. I want her to be the first sound I’ve got to know like my own,

in my new life in my new world.

But for me. I just enjoy, let the feeling flow. For me this time, I allow you to play my heart. I’m your melody.

(She’s playing my soul, she’s playing the war I’ve to fight. She’s playing the love that keeps me alive. She’s playing hard and strong and keeps me going. She’s playing soft and slow to calm me down. She’s making me done, leading to trance, She’s making my tears, she’s waking my fears. She’s playing my growing hope.)

[a few pages later...]

I am the thief – I stole from you.

I could blame you for your ego that seems to feel the need to protect you from devotion. I could blame you for little things that affect me from time to time.

But I wont. Because I accepted it as how, who you are. It’s part of the person I slowly learned to know. It is what is you and it is why I decided to like you in the first place. And this are things I count for you even after it came stronger in my life. I can’t blame you just because it seems to hurt now. It wouldn’t be fair, wouldn’t make sense to abandon that for what I decided for you. Instead it’s today my mask I have to take off. It’s my mask today that busted into million different pieces. I was fast in collecting most of the pieces but I knew it was broke. I’m surprised myself. I have to take off the cover of lying, pretending. Even now! Just blind loud talking… just talking. I want you to know me. What I showed you was much more then I can possibly be. I’m here. By myself much less – just me. I want you to get to know just me. Why? I can’t stand lying anymore. I can’t stand dying any other day. Sometimes complete, sometimes death in pieces. I don’t know what’s up with me in the last time. I think I lost everything including me, probably you. I don’t know where I was in the last days. In the beginning it was easy. I felt free but then… It was a pain, a room of not knowing that kept me awake, that kept me from working, being part of normal life. Maybe you have gotten to strong in me. Maybe I’m surprised myself how intense my feelings can be. Sometimes I feel happy and start smiling, emotions from the other side come up and I just can imagine how it would be to be as lucky as in this short moments. But maybe this wont happen since you get to know me now. Since it seems that I can’t fight anymore. I was fighting too long!

I wished I would know, know anything. Maybe I’ve gone to far while you.. don’t even know if you know. I will go through it again and just ask you to let me at least do this.

Things will repeat, happen again. That’s what I know. But I accept this as my way. I accept this pain. Don’t take this away and leave me here in loneliness. This would burn me out and, make me dead even before I die. Dried out I don’t want to be.

[...]

Tomorrow will be a different day. A new day, a new part of my life. Everything will stay the same, nothing will change except my thoughts about me and you. Finally I will take it easy and let it go, there will be a time when I start thinking [...] after that I’m pretty sure it will be OK. [...] I will grow again but probably different then before, it will happen again to me … but I’ll be gone.

Have a good night, have a good day. I look forward last time seeing you as we are, we were.

I see stars but it seems to rain [It was really raining, but not one cloud!]

Everything will be fine.

I’m after all, especially now – ME - [...]

[next page]

Q: What is life?

A: People don’t slip when the floor is wet.

Instead they fall over the yellow warning!

[And here is a last short thought that finally lead to my last blog and the picture for it. Or here I just felt that something started...]

I’m just afraid of the day when I don’t care anymore about my feelings. It seems this day is not far away. Should I be afraid???

[...]”

Well and there is more coming but I feel right now there is no time, it’s not the time to write about this. It’s interesting for me to read all this because somehow it shows how I dealt with a situation that became too strong for me, seemed too strong. Right now things are changed. I’m over myself. I went down to some strange roads. I needed to find a creative way to heal my soul. I think I was quiet successful. Even if things are confused they are going to be more real now. It’s a complicated way. But I’m here now as the one I am! I enjoy things as they are right now.

And by the way - I wont regret about things I said, wrote and even thought or I’ve done! I might have people right now that don’t like me, they now why. They just have to accept. I just watched the Dixie Chicks documentation and have to repeat: “I wont keep my mouth shout!”

But anyway. It’s time to sleep – maybe not just literally.

I still haven’t wrote about my last cooking! Damn. I was cooking! And that’s not all! I had someone trying my food! And even if it was reheated – she liked it! Except the olives in my sauce, but I think this was the hidden highlight of what I’ve done. OK, I will tell you short.

Again, I’m more and more surprised, inspired by my old Captain. I made his and my new – Wold Famous Tomato Sauce – with spaghetti. Yes not the opposite! The sauce took me around one hour and 45 minutes!! I will tell you what was in the sauce. It’s a great recipes and almost fail-save!

Let’s start with the base for the sauce. Of course I wanted to save some time, and it was a good idea since it took already ages. So I started with a solid tomato paste base. I used the little cans, two of them, one large glass of essential tomato sauce and the only thing that had already a few spices added - another glass of traditional tomato sauce. So far, a boring and tasteless red ground mix. I used a wok for my composition!

Now I started with the real ingredients. First I cut two garlic toes with a sharp knife into little very thin slices! This was work, you wont believe it! After that I cut a huge, very huge white onion. I was actually surprised I didn’t have to cry. Not a bit… I miss crying. I cut the onion into little pieces because I don’t want that you actually have the onions hanging on the fork… I put a bit less then three quarters into the pot and kept a quarter for later. After that I cut three good looking tomatoes in pieces almost as little as the onions. I found out tomatoes with the stalk are really easy to cut, you just hold them on the stalk and your finger wont be hurt.

Well, now it was almost ready for the stove. Just a lot of salt, pepper and Italian spices. I just put it on low heat because of course there is one important thing missing. The meat! What would be a good tomato sauce without the meat?

I had 400g ground meat waiting to be prepared. I used half of the remaining onions and cut them again into smaller pieces. Then I worked them together with salt and pepper into the meat. Finally I fried the meat until it looked quiet dark and brought it together with the red sauce. Somehow the sauce made strange things. I think the wok was to small for all the sauce. It started exploding like a Hawaiian magma lake…

Oh and I forgot to write about my so beloved olives! In the beginning I thought I just try half of the glass that I actually bought to eat in front of the TV. I had green manzanilla olives stuffed with pimento paste. Again in little pieces a perfect hit! After I tried the sauce it was sure that the whole glass needs to go. After a while the sauce developed an incredible good smell! I was sure that this was the right thing.

The spaghetti were quick. I bought not the cheapest since they swell up to much. To make sure that the spaghetti went out right I tried every few minutes a couple. I didn’t want to destroy my good sauce with bad made spaghetti.

But finally I didn’t. So everything went out great! I was so confident with my sauce I had to write Winnie. And she had to try next day. I already wrote about that… It wasn’t as good as fresh but I think great for a microwave reheated meal. Good appetite! I’m still eating on the sauce. Including all the ingredients I put in there I made more then 2,5l of my World Famous! I’m sure I will make it again. It saves me a lot of time cooking for this week. Yes I’m sometimes lazy. : ) Bye the way – I will move soon. Winnie and me move together, or I move into her apartment since her friend is moving out. So since she liked my first ‘public food’ she has to try more often. I look forward to this. Actually since I’m getting better in cooking, I really get a value in the roommate and single market! “He can cook!?” ; )

Have a good night you all and good appetite again! It’s time now, it will be a long day tomorrow…

Marco

* sometimes a bit crazy – sometimes a cook *

 

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