PUMP
I like the Stones, the same as the Bee Gees and a few other old timer and I know being Aerosmith fan seems to be an old hat too. But since I developed a kind of extended interest in rock in the last year, God knows why, I discover from time to time really cool things. So the last thing I discovered was the well known Aerosmith album Pump. I was never a Aerosmith fan and as I was younger, listening to Manson on the one and Lacrimosa on the other side. I couldn’t understand some of my, mostly female, friends who went crazy about this band, especially about him. They all had a time as they went crazy about almost every long haired rock star. But I really remember Aerosmith. I thought it was stupid and of course I never listened the music and I wasn’t sure if the music was dark enough for me at this time.
But this changed. My black cloth are gone since years, my music taste changed from dark, Gothic to alternative stuff like Counting Crows, 3 Doors Down and singer and songwriter aka Heather Nova, Alanis Morissette, etc. Somehow I think it was all a kind of soft, but in this time I was in a kind of permanent ‘in love with someone’ phase of my life. Yes I was emotional and maybe a bit too sensitive.
Whatever. Then there was electronic and house music afterward. Too many excessive parties, too long weekends, horrible weekdays after. It was fun in the beginning but at the end… Anyway as this part of my life was over as well I had to go back first before I could discover something new. I needed to rediscover things I lost before. So I was back into singers and stuff like that. Much more emotional then before but I think more happy as well. Sheryl Crown was singing C’mon Cmon and I liked it.
After that I changed a lot between the old stuff I liked before the electronic excursion and stuff I just found. I named my self since I was young a Rolling Stones fan but actually I really discovered the Stones just about two years ago for myself. Since then I love them. But now somehow since I’m on the road, no influence from home and things I know, most of the time without my own music collection, I had to listen to the music I had available. It was all kind of stuff but I had to find out that I reacted more on rock and alternative and that I really don’t like electronic anymore. I really hate going to clubs because it’s everywhere the same. The house is no longer fun and it started to be too monotone, even aggressive – everywhere. Most of the people is see there are just lost. I went to clubs in most of the Big Cities I’ve visit. Let’s say from whatever in Paris to Pacha in New York and I have to say it’s really everywhere the same. I can’t help it but I guess that’s done for me. I liked the dancing and I think I was quiet good but with this music they play right now and most of the people you’ll find there… My pleasure and motivation to dance and be there is gone after less then 30 minutes.
But back to rock. For me rock looked so mainstream that I never thought I could somehow like it. But it seems I like it. I remember in a little town in Portugal, I still say the best place I’ve ever been, we went every night out for our favorite Australian bar called Three Monkeys and I was listening every night to rock and first time ever it wasn’t boring anymore. This kind of music got a meaning for me and I explored first secrets hidden in it. Secrets related to parts in my self. Things that just fit this time. I’m not talking about the Satanic touch even if I like ‘Sympathy for the Devil’. I’m talking about the stories been told in the music, the stories that just fit to the easy life I had this time. But still I wasn’t a rock fan back in Lagos and I’m not a rock fan now, neither a Aerosmith fan.
As I said, my black cloth where gone and house lost his beat for me as I saw on the boat together with the Captain the Making of pump movie. I enjoyed watching it. I enjoyed seeing Steve Tyler conducting the other band members. I liked to see this hyperactive, high intelligent person doing his job in a very creative way. It was impressive and of course I also enjoyed the music samples in between. I was anxious to listen to the album but I wouldn’t get it for the next few month. It took me a while to get it but as I finally had it I was disappointed because I didn’t like it. It seemed all the same and boring for me. I couldn’t remember why I actually liked this music and I couldn’t remember what I liked on it either. So I forgot more or less about it. I was again more into my singers, songwriters, alternative and stuff I was listening a few years ago.
But then since Toronto I had again no possibility to listen to any music except the radio over my cell phone. So that’s what I did. Most of the stations I got where just crap except the one rock station, of course. And I think that was the moment as I found out for my self that I do like rock. Again, how did this happen? But that’s it, I can’t help it. So I didn’t know most of the artists and songs and in the beginning everything was new, I liked almost everything. Now since a while I made differences. Some stuff is just overplayed or starts to be boring, some I don’t like even if it’s new. I can hear the differences between the songs and also start to recognize most of the popular artists. Of course everyone knows the cawing of Kiss, the arrogantly voice of Mick Jagger and the memory awaking sound of R.E.M but I never realized Aerosmith. I just found out that I have a few songs I really liked, a few songs that really moved – rocked me, a few songs that gave me power and energy and somehow I didn’t realize that most of them sound similar until or that some of them might be from the same artist.
I got my new computer, I got my stylish white retro headset and I was bored. I thought let’s listen to some music. I was in a good mood, or let’s say I had an intense background feeling for something like that. I was ready to discover. I started with the good old stuff but somehow it almost pushed me away from it. It looked weak to me and almost disgusting. I needed something new, something that keeps my good mood and doesn’t drag me down into some kind of emotional swamp. I needed rock! …that was for sure. But unfortunate the only rock, alternative rock I had was Die Happy – not this time… REM - no time for memories and pump …mmh? Last time I thought it was boring, but let’s give it another try. OK you can guess what comes now.
Wow! All this songs I learned to love in the last month are on this particular album! All the songs I hoped to catch the name one day because I wanted to get them are on this album! I loved it and I love it since then. I like his voice as I like every detail in this songs. When you really listen to this album you will understand why I call him high intelligent. It needs almost a genius to make this songs. I say if you have the resources, just get the Making of first. It’s worth it even if you are not into rock, I wasn’t as I saw it, I’m not into it now. Later on try the CD. Like me maybe you need a few tries before you really like it but then you will have a good time. As I have! : )
Can’t believe I wrote more then one page about an Aerosmith album… Hope I didn’t bore you, if I did … it might be time now for some music experiments. Discover something new in your life. Since music is not just a little bit connected, related to feelings, emotions. It can be worth to variate a bit. Music is the undertone of your young life. Think about it.
…something else in my life? Yes actually there are three things I’m concerned about.
Number one, let’s call it:
- SLOW -
This week I have to say work is not as good as before. Everything is going very slow and that’s working on me but I hope it will be busy soon.
- GUILT! -
Another thing I can’t help myself is that I get angry almost every morning on the way to work. Or let’s say this I’m just starting to help myself because I’m writing, thinking about and I just watch myself and the others. Every morning o the way to work and now also in the evening on my way back. I just can’t stand this people who think they don’t need to make space on the sidewalk. It seems that some idiots think they are special, not just man also some womans in their business dress. I get angry every morning and I know I have to take care with this anger. Yesterday I brought some of this feelings to work, normally no problem because I need just a few minutes to acclimatize. But as I came in on this morning one of the managers told me in front of some other employees I’m fired. I was shocked and couldn’t react, I thought he was serious and didn’t know why. Then he said it was a joke, bad joke but normally I would get it but with this feelings, bad emotions in my head it would make sense even if it wasn’t related. I think our brain can’t make the difference. That means even if you are good at work and never did anything wrong as long as you do wrong in your life outside your work and you feel that you do wrong you will feel a kind of guilt at work as well. …
Almost every morning I hit someone with my elbow or shoulder because I just don’t make space anymore. This idiots. But as I said I have to take care because I feel that exactly this actually makes me to one of this idiots. In the beginning I made no space for the idiots now I almost make no space for anyone that means some of the good guys might think now that I’m one of the idiots. Damn. This is a vicious circle! How can I get out of there without giving up against the ones who think that they don’t need to make space. I hate all this mental disease all the people including me get after a while in a big city like Toronto. I remember a quote from the movie Crash, that played in the City of Angels, that said: “It’s the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.” Great movie bye the way
- LOVE? -
I mention it already in my shout box but here again. Since I made me free from some things, someone… life became better, I felt energy. But we are all very lazy so I experience that I fall back a little into old emotions. That can’t be. I can’t allow this. Everything was good in the beginning. I could undisturbed express my anger and disappointment, could make some bad comments about the puss – what I really enjoyed. I still hate his face and I still hate the thought that she is such a looser to hook up with someone like that… damn.. sorry for the looser. I feel that I get angry again. But that’s what I wanted to say. I could ignore her, lost almost interest but since a few days she shows interest in what I’m doing. She’s coming after work to my room and asking about how things are going. Then this kind of silence and she’s playing with something that hangs on the door as she is expecting something. I don’t like this. I remember I went to her room from time to time and I hated this silence and I hated when she showed me that she actually didn’t want to talk. I was the one playing with her fucking door. What’s this all about? Is she tempted to proof something, does she want to know that she can do it? I say: Get lost! I feel great, I’m on my way and I deserve something more demanding. I don’t like this kind of games. Now I feel again that I’m somehow interested in what she is doing. It seems that I’m tempted to watch up when she’s coming home and that now I’m again the one standing in her door hoping that she will have a short conversation with me that would lead to a sleepless night with talking and so. But this wont happen. My company has a value and I don’t like this to be ignored for some kind of stupid game. I know my value! If she doesn’t – get lost again! I feel angry. **** *** **** ***** *****
But there is just one thing to do. I just need, I hope the last time, to step back a little. That means, I just have to ask here again. I know everything is in the very beginning but before everything makes any serious progression I will, need to ask here the again. I just need to hear this NO again. It needs to be quick. I hate to wait, to waste my time and energy. Since I’m on my own again, I jumped into another sphere of being. I lost worries about stupid stuff. I learned to understand myself again. But to do this everything needs to be clear. That can mean, being together, having great sex and discovering each other OR on the other hand and I’m pretty sure that’s were we are heading to, being on your own. Having a clear line and staying as friends and nothing else. No compliments, presents, silence and playing with the door. So be aware that I will ask you in the next days.
Have a good night you all and ROCK ‘N’ ROLL!
Marco
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